Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
I now know fundamentally that my marriage is over. People stay in relationships because how they FEEL. No amount of rationalization or trying to point out the good or bad is going to change that. Fundamentally, my stb ex 3 does not want to be in the marriage because he does not love me. He can't because someone who loves someone doesn't take three months when there is no one else to decide if they want to keep their 22 year marriage. He said to me that he always STAYS TOO LONG. That when he sees the ship sinking that he should leave. He said he overstayed his time at his first job; he should have left with the first sign of trouble and that has cost him. So, now THIS IS THE QUESTION ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP. He is trying to decide if he should leave because there are problems, he is not happy and its better to leave since he doesn't know if anything will change. So, all of the changes he said he wanted, basically doesn't mean shit. He wanted me to drive; got my license. Doesn't mean much. Now, he says he knows I will get a full time job but he KNOWS that I will complain and stress and take it out on him because I don't know the grind of a full time job. So, it's just indeciveness. But to me it's as clear as day.. This is the behavior of someone who does not love me. If he loved me, the decision would be easy. While I was thinking of the 22 year marriage as a success, something to be proud of , he is thinking of it as having stayed too long. It's not about commitment or a life built together, it's he should leave because maybe he can do better (house, new wife, children.) he says the reason he is sticking around is because I am his best friend. Can you believe that? He's not my best friend. He's taken 22 years of my life, my virginity and my hopes of a lifetime together. He has slowly worked on my self-esteem. Even said he has low self-esteem and that why he stays so long.I am so stupid. Here I thought it was because he loved me. But now it's because all these years he didn't think he can do better and these days he thinks he can. I am not a loser. I am actually a very kind, loyal, decent human being. I am smart, and when I put my mind to something I succeed. I am also not bad looking. The only thing I did wrong was love him and believe it when we took our vows. Two years ago I overheard him say he wanted to save the marriage. I guess I have been stuck there. Thinking he wants to save it. Now I know I am second best, something to settle for. And I am pretty sure, he will be back and forth, indecisive EVEN if he choses to stay. I will have no peace and sense of stability in my life. I will never feel loved or a sense of security. My sister pointed out to me that he has basically said that I should provide for myself financially, so no security; he isn't committed, so what is the point of a marriage? He is harsh and unkind when he speaks to me, can't see a single good thing about me so at best, when he interacts with me it is TOLERANCE. The way you treat a pesky, sad puppy. He doesn't appreciate me for who I am. It is time for me to find the courage to let go.
You can do this - many, many women do - lots of us are working and taking care of ourselves just fine - we come and go as we please, go on vacations and even support children alone. This isn't anything new, and you will have lots of emotional support through it all. Who knows you may surprise yourself and as you begin to do more and more for yourself.
I just refinanced my house and brought it down to a 15 year note! - I take care of my yard and for the hard stuff, I have friends who help, a brother who is burdened by me and pay the rest. It's all part of life.
You can get what you want out of it - you just have to figure out what it is that you want!
You've got this. You'll be ok.
You are getting your confidence back. Look what you have already done. You can drive now. Driving a car is the start to working towards life without your stbx and will open so many doors. You need to inform this piece of a selfish man that you had a full time job taking care of HIM.
I started this farm from a piece of land that had nothing on it but oak and pines and a few rattle snakes. The ex was already working his "temp" jobs overseas. Now I have a home, fencing, run in sheds for the horses and I manage to pay my bills each month. Thanks to the ex not paying me three times he had to sign this farm over to me. I paid off the mortgage last year.
Life can sometimes be a challenge and just plain ole hard. You have to make the decision to sink or swim. I think you will swim above all the crap he is handing out, get what you have a right to have from him and make a very good life for yourself.
You can do this.
In a lot of ways, your story reads a lot like my own...it took divorce (and 2 years in therapy) for me to realize that I allowed him to live with one foot out the door for a very long time. He was a true "commitment-phobe" and I should have NEVER married him -- much less stay as long as I did. But that's what is -- now you have to try your best to focus on what CAN BE! This is a chance for you to have a "do-over" - to start fresh and rebuild your life in a positive way.
One thing you wrote "... He's taken 22 years of my life, my virginity and my hopes of a lifetime together..." bothers me. He didn't TAKE IT -- you willingly GAVE IT. No, things didn't turn out like you had hoped, but that's just life. The best-laid plans don't always go according to plan. Accept that you gave 100% to the marriage and the family and he simply did not...or he stopped at some point. Never berate yourself for things you did FROM YOUR HEART! That is part of makes YOU a wonderful person!
I also think that the LESS contact you have with him, the better off you will be. He is pulling all the same punches right out of that book called "The Script" -- all of which are designed to tear down YOUR self-esteem in an attempt to get you to walk away and not get what you are legally entitled to. HANG TOUGH!
If I learned anything from my divorce 8 years ago, it was this - never say NEVER. As long as you are living and breathing on this earth, ANYTHING is possible. You are absolutely correct to leaving it up to the Lord. He picked me right up out of bed on those initial days when I couldn't lift myself up but had to because I had a job and had to work. I FELT HIM do it and will sing his praises to anyone who will listen because without HIM, I hate to think where I'd be. I know HE will do the same for you, so continue to find your strength in HIM and you will be fine. HE will place people in your life to get you through this...I promise. Do NOT allow your stbx to make you feel "lesser than". Keep your faith and you will not only be fine, but stronger as well!
I was you 8 years ago...wanting to die...my life was over...and, guess what? I am now remarried to a man who truly loves me and accepts me...flaws and all. I said I would NEVER marry again and yet, here I am, married 4 years already. I continue to take my foot out of my mouth, so please don't ever say NEVER as I did. It almost embarrasses me to tell people I remarried because I was so adamant about NOT.
You may never love as "innocently" as you did before. You are older, wiser and have been burned. I think most of us here feel the same. I have no idea where I got the courage to marry again. Perhaps the eternal optimist?? I don't know. I just know I let God lead me wherever that is and know HE has a plan for you as well.
HUGSSS
MJ
I too stayed to work on my marriage with my husband, not realizing he wasn't working ON it, just working IT for what it was worth. So sad. But, like Kathi said, I chose to stay and work on it. There is a beautiful part to that choice that you will see one day: you, like I, have done everything possible to make this work. It didn't do it, but we tried and can say that, out loud, to ourselves, our families, our God.
So, now that your marriage is done, you have permission to start taking care of YOU. He is responsible for his miserable existence. You are responsible for taking the reins and seeing that you are taken care of financially, emotionally, professionally, and physically. It may not feel like it now, but you will see there is a freedom in that, a life affirming freedom. It is hard to make the transition, but it's important and so very much worth it. You can do this and you are worth it!!
Take care and keep in touch.
My ex made me do the heavy lifting of filing for divorce, but you know what? That divorce freed me to become the person I was meant to be. I am so much better off now, financially and emotionally. You will get to this place too.
Please put your dream team of lawyer and counselor together, find your strength, and let this man understand that there will be a cost for leaving you this way. They all think they can just walk away with no consequence. Show him how wrong he is.
Sending healing hugs.
Don't let him take any more from you. Get an attorney and make the decision for him. File for divorce. You will finally have some peace in your life.
With the breathing, it helps if you breathe out for longer than you breathe in and count it.
love and hugs
kamary