Honey, I was more miserable and lonely when I was with that man than I am now. It was hard, but I made it. Being alone does not mean being lonely. You have so much to figure out. I cried so much that the Kimberly-Clark factory could not keep up production on Kleenex. One thing, that you should do, is get a good lawyer and a therapist. Those are priceless. The no contact rule is golden. Daughter is old enough to make her own arrangements if she wants to see her father. My kids do not ask me to arrange anything for them. Just hang on for that emotional roller coaster ride. You will need time to refocus and recharge. Start looking after number one, that is you. One thing for sure, he will try to sweet talk you into giving up what is rightfully yours. Mine did, but failed miserably. They will try to rewrite history. Stand tall and firm. I love being by myself. It gives me the time that I need to pamper and love myself. Hugs

I was not working at the time my husband left, but was in the middle of training for a part time volunteer job at the local hospital. The volunteer time and getting out with meetup groups have helped to combat the loneliness, but I still have a lot of time by myself. Was very uncomfortable to start, but I have used the time to read (more self help books than I knew existed!), journal, deal with emotions, get my financial and estate matters in order to the best of my ability, and really think out how I want to go forward. Time to myself to do what I want or need to do has truly been a gift.

Very good point, knuckle, about being lonelier married. I certainly was. At least now, I don't feel trapped like I did.

We're desperately trying to keep this amicable(mostly for our daughter's sake). She's an only child and special needs. So far, we have been successful. There's just no way "no contact" will work for us. It would be easier for sure but it is important to us for our daughter to see us getting along as we move forward.

Tell me more about the "sweet talk." We're still in the midst of finalizing a settlement agreement. I already know that I cannot trust anything he says when it comes to money. And I do have a great attorney, with whom I have shared everything, all my concerns, suspicions, etc. And a therapist, who I went to see in the beginning just because I was experiencing a very high degree of anxiety. She was great. Unfortunately, because of our high deductible, I was having to pay out of pocket for her so I had to stop. But, I know she's there if I really need her again. So, give me some examples of the sweet talk…I'm seeing a little bit of that but would like know what you and others have experienced…I feel so naive!

Texlube, are you working with a financial planner to get your financial stuff done or are you doing that by yourself? That's a huge source of anxiety for me. Just have no clue about finances…husband did it all for 23 years...

My divorce lawyer has had suggestions as to how to proceed. My estate lawyer helped some more. My accountant also has been a help. a large part of it is becoming familiar with the laws and realizing what is to be expected with the divorce. I have an advantage in that I was the one who handled all of the bills, taxes, etc. over the past 30+ years. You will probably have to get a financial disclosure from your husband. Your lawyer can help you sort this out. In the meantime, it would be a good idea for you to work on creating a budget for yourself so you have some idea about what your needs/expenses are. Put everything in there from housing to routine haircuts to vet expenses if you have pets. Budgeting is a great use of your time and knowing what you need and what you are entitled to will help to lessen the anxiety.

Learning to be alone is just something that takes time. I wish I had better news, but it's not all bad. This is a time in your life now when you can put yourself first. Think of your life before you were married--did you have any hobbies or interests that you put aside once marriage and kids came along? It may be time to start those again.

Try meetup.com--it's not a dating site but a site that connects you with people who share common interests. It's a great way to meet people. My first summer of separation I did volunteer work at the local hospital and the library--both gave me a reason to get up and get out, I met people, and shelving books was quite therapeutic for me. I'm not sure of your financial situation, but maybe this is a good time to consider taking a class at a local community college--maybe get some retraining to help you get back into the workforce. Just a thought.

Like you, I remember facing being alone and thought it would just kill me. Now I relish my alone time because it's an opportunity for me to recharge my batteries. Yes, sometimes I get lonely, but then friends are a click or a phone call away.

Sending healing hugs!!! Hang in there.

Thanks for the advice, hurtinandhealin. Everything feels a bit overwhelming at the moment. Sometimes, I just want to crawl under my quilt and hide. But, I know that I need to make myself do just the opposite.

You mentioned alone but didn't say you were lonely. That's a plus. I was alone and lonely for a lot of my marriage. The ex didn't socialize and he didn't do much with our two girls either so I did it all. I handled all the money and paid all the bills. If he wanted something we sat down and reworked the budget. Then he took a temp job overseas that lasted ten years.

I had to tell his atty. how much money the ex had and what the bills were. The ex never even looked at his 401K's and retirement accts. I did all of that so I knew where the money was. We all knew he had money hidden overseas but it wasn't worth trying to find.

Just sit down and gather up all your bills and see what you will need to live without your stbx in your life. Don't short yourself at all. Its really not that hard if you think about each purchase as you make it. Write down each purchase in your checkbook, including those paid with a debit card. Don't let your stbx try to rush you to hurry with the financials you will need.

Meetup groups are a great way to find friends with the same interests you have. Also look into a Divorce Care Group at one of your local churches. Those 13 week sessions helped me a lot and I learned so much. I even made a couple of friends while I attended those sessions. The group I was in was not heavy on religion.

I don't have time to be lonely. I also finally own the farm I started while we were married. It's spring and I have horses that I take care of in the summer for extra income. A lot of them have special needs and I love learning from each new horse that comes on this farm. Staying busy is key to not feeling so alone. I cherish my alone time at the end of a long day dealing with horses that have the mentality of three year old children in 1100 lb. bodies.

You can do this and you will learn quickly about your bills and the money you will need. If you need a job you will find that too. You will survive and thrive.

trisha - why do say that you all knew he had money hidden overseas but it wasn't worth finding? i suspect my husband does as well but my financial planner has advised me not to go after it. she says that it might cost me more to go after it(in attorney's fees, forensic accountant's fees) than what will be found, if anything. my husband is about to have to pay me half his large income plus a lot more in assets for the rest of his life and yet he doesn't seem terribly concerned. that is why I think he has money hidden. he should be angry and resentful at this point, in my opinion, and he isn't, just kind of weird.

I didn't go after his overseas money for the same reason your financial planner stated. The ex worked in China three times, the Phipippines, Singapore, Maylasia and the Sahara in North Africa when we divorced. He was also in Trinidad. So finding that money would have cost more than it might have been worth. As it is I got more than half the assets before I managed to get his name off the deed to this farm. He defaulted on my alimony three times and we hit him hard in court. I think he had to pay the back alimony with some of that money he had hidden. Twice!!!

The ex gave me everything I asked for including tax free alimony. I could have had life time alimony but I knew he was going to get ugly and I wanted to be independent of him. The divorce was easy but the 6 years post divorce was Hell. He tried every stunt he could to cause me financial harm and to try not to pay my alimony.

While your stbx is being so agreeable make sure you cover the cost of Cobra health insurance for three years. At the time "him again" was overseas his salary was huge and I got at least a third of that and he had to continue to pay that after he decided to come back to the states. If your stbx is not that concerned make sure you get a non modifiable clause in your decree. One that states the only way the settlement can be changed is thru the court and if you both agree. The ex also had to pay nearly all my atty fees to take him back to court for contempt. We were in court three times over four years. I live in an equitable distribution state that does consider fault.

You don't say whether he has someone else to fall back on. The ex had committed bigamy and had a new wife wanting to come to the states. That is why he was agreeable until the money started running short. She is high maintenance and baby likes things. She had to have a car and wanted that big house in TN. LOL

That is my greatest fear moving forward that he will default on his alimony payments or stretch them out so he's not paying as much or something. However, a CPA friend told me that you can set things up so that the money will be taken directly from his checking account so we're certainly going to try to do that. My attorney thought that was a good idea. What did your ex try to do to cause you financial harm and not pay alimony?

I don't think he has anyone to fall back on but not really sure. Here in SC, neither of us is supposed to even date until the divorce is final, which is a year from when you officially separated.

I'm in SC near GA. We divorced in Dec and by the end of the month he tried to keep me from getting my Cobra health insurance. It took me almost two months to get that corrected. He backed up our divorce date so I wouldn't be eligible. There were many other things like that. He caused me a problem at the bank and I had to send him a check we were to split. It took me three months to get my half of that money. Our daughter is a daddy's girl. I lost almost all contact with her for three years. He did that too. I think he tried to get in the house just before a court hearing. I have a keypad lock and he knew how many numbers to input but didn't get the right ones entered.no one else knew that. He reduced or quit paying my alimony three times.

My alimony went from his acct directly to mine until he decided to start writing checks. I knew he would eventually do this so I saved every bit of the money from boarding horses on this farm to pay the bills and my atty. Each time it took many months to get him served. He had to pay the back alimony and the atty fees.

My atty covered all those what ifs I had and the ex tested every one of them. I knew my atty was humoring me but at the end of this he said he would believe whatever I told him. The fifth court hearing I asked my atty if he would go to court with me one more time...that I thought the ex would default again. He said yes and we did make that sixth court hearing this past July. I don't think the ex can try anything else. He had to deed the farm over to me so I am now totally free of him.

Listen to your gut instincts and cover what you can in your divorce decree. Try to save enough to pay several months bills if you do have to get him back in court.

oh trisha - you have really been through it. how awful. i'm glad you are finally free of him.

Thanks for that advice Trisha. I'm hoping the stbx doesn't pull that stuff but since we haven't even filed, and he's already denying things he's already agreed to, I think he probably will. I'm drinking in all the stories and past experiences of all of you here. I want to have a civil "no fault" divorce but I will bring out the adultery if need be. I already know that I have the irrefutable proof and can actually get way more than I'm asking for but I really don't want to go there.

Paramom I see you are in LA and that may help you. Make sure the adultery can be used. South Carolina is one of a few states that still considers who was at fault when divorcing. They don't play with cheating spouses. Man or woman the one who cheats will never receive alimony. I could have gotten more too but I wasn't greedy and took short term alimony. I didn't want to be tied to the ex for the rest of my life. I just wanted the ability to be self supporting and a chance to make this farm pay for part of the expenses. I'm not quite there yet. He's so mad about the last court hearing I have heard nothing from him. That's a blessing