Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group

I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...

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pickingup 10/07/2015

I know my struggle. I met my husband when I was 20 years old. I was beautiful, free, so full of life. I was looking to find someone to love. The thing about me that makes me unique is my capacity to love. I love fully, completely. I give everything. And I loved him. Still love him. I would have stayed by his side. I would have done anything for him. We lived in 2 different marriages. Mine was different. Mine was one where I spent everyday of my life with the man I loved. Financial problems, medical problems, family problems, life, fights and quarrels all seemed doable because at the end of the day I crawled into bed with him. I could hug him when I wanted to. I could call him when I wanted to. It was a life of love for me. I was willing to let everything go because for me, love and being with the person you love is all that mattered. But now I realize he must not have been with the person he loved. He must have fallen out of love with me. The truth is you can't leave someone you love. You stay and fight. You don't cheat on them, buy condoms and plan and have sex, you don't bring them to my home and plan dates. You don't sleep over with them. You do those things to people you no longer love. You do it when you want out. So, here I am understanding and trying to accept for the first time in my life that he does not love me. Everything is an excuse for the reality that he will not say. He no longer loves me. He wants to have another life. He thinks he can do better than me. I am old shoe. BUT HE IS WRONG! Me, I am amazing. My capacity to love fully and completely is what makes me amazing. He may not have returned my love. Maybe it was not enough. For whatever reasons, he does not love me. But I am capable of great love and I hope one day, God has mercy on me and sends me someone who can appreciate it. So goodbye, my precious love. Goodbye. I have to find the strength to carve a new path without you because I can no longer live with not being good enough. I can no longer live with being second best and not worthy.

pickingup 10/07/2015

And I want to live. I don't want to wake up every morning with anxiety, numb and sad. I don't want to cry tears in public anymore. I don't want to be afraid to watch certain tv shows. I no longer want to hate tall, black hair 30 year olds who are pretty and sweet and give you everything you need. I don't want to be a prisioner to anyone anymore. I want to be free. You are free. You can't wait to begin your new life. You're busy negotiating the settlement, rushing to file the divorce, returning my books. You can't wait to get on with your life. I now pray. I get down on my knees and beg the Lord to free me too. To free me so I can move on. So it won't torture me to think of you meeting the love of your life, getting married, having children, growing old. I beg the lord to make he brave, to make me strong, to make me withstand what is coming my way. A lifetime of knowing how happy you are. How it worked out for you that you left me. How in love you are and how all of your dreams come true. I just beg the lord for strength and fortification, to have mercy on me, to stop sending me these trials to go through. I beg the lord to remember I have always loved him and please remember to spare me. If the Lord gives him a new life, please allow me to have to strength to face mine. Please lord do not leave me now

startingover2011 10/07/2015

Pickingup,

Your post was perfectly written. I could have written that myself about my first marriage. We, too, were 20 when we met and I love him completely. What you said about people being able to do bad things to the person they are married to does prove that they don't love you. Plain and simple. You put into words the truth of it all.

I understand completely your ability to love fully. I do as well and you will again. Continue to turn to God. HE DOES have a plan for you. This is the verse I repeated to myself over and over during my divorce...

Jeremiah 29:11: For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

And, out of this nightmare, you will become stronger than ever before...ready to face whatever comes your way. My prayers are with you...

caligirl92354 10/07/2015

Pickingup,

Your post was me 8 years ago. I could not understand how he made the choice to leave. But as I did extensive research and read all the things that people posted here on DS, I realized, that it's not about us. It's about them and their inadequacies. It's a deficiency in them. It's not your fault. Through my reading, I found out that the reason we are in so much pain when they tell us they want out is that it's a shock to us. But to them, they have been doing their own separation from us in the 2 years prior to when they asked for a divorce. So, it's not a shock to them. The reason it hits us so hard is that for those 2 years while they were pulling away from us, we were still engaged, even though for me, I was wondering what in the world was going on, he had changed so much.

Runaway husbands is a great website to read, reading "Love must be Tough" was powerful for me to get my head screwed on straight. It doesn't even begin to heal your heart, because that will take a few years, but it gets you started and starts to quiet the "what if's" in your head. Keep reading for information, healing and how to move forward. It will truly save your life. And keep posting your feelings and hurts and thoughts on here or journal. It is powerful to move you out of this, but just remember, you are in the most gut wrenching pain you will probably ever be in. Sometimes, I wondered if I'd survive the day. Sometimes I wondered if I could take it another day. But each day, as I read and quit blaming myself, I started to have hope.

Big huge hugs to you. We all know right where you are at. That's the beauty of DS. We have been where you are. We will be here for you as those ahead of us were here for us.

sciteacher 10/07/2015

I also completely understand where you are and how you feel. I had written to you earlier that your husband doesn't love you anymore (because I went through the same thing only 2 years ago) because if he did he wouldn't treat you the way he did at the end. Mine did the same thing and I was clueless. I still have trouble understanding how he could have stopped loving me when I loved (and still do) him so very much. I would have done anything for him and he threw all that love away. I also feel like you do that I have so much love to give to someone who will appreciate it and feel the same way about me. I feel that someday we will be happy again maybe with another love. But first you must do the work - the grieving and pain and grow stronger emotionally. It just takes time. That's the hard part because we want to speed that process up. But there is no set time frame and it will take whatever time you need. Just accept this and time will pass and the pain will subside a little day by day. I know that you will feel better a little bit at a time. You already sound better and you will continue to improve.

What a huge trauma so many of us have gone through! Those of us on this site really understand and support each other. It is great to have such concern and support. Just keep posting and embrace the support and advice from so many wise people!

Hugs to you,
Donna

refurb 10/07/2015

he will always have his first love
his only love
himself

Thank God that you can see how amazing you are, hang in there

dairytech 10/07/2015

Awww hugs pickingup...you have captured your heartache so well with your words...it brings tears to my eyes...like the others...that was me 6 years ago so I completely understand. I echo the others responses...its just so hard to get our heads around the fact that we loved so deeply and they simply did not...for what ever reason. Actions have always spoken louder than words.

You are reaching acceptance...although it can wain...you know the truth to get yourself back on track. Its a tough road but I assure you...there is light at the end of this tunnel. Great Big Hugs...Kathy

trisha9054 10/07/2015

I have been keeping up with what you have written. My take on this is that he treated you very cruelly and played games with you. He knew he wanted out and could have told you sooner. It would have hurt but not as badly as the way he did finally tell you. My ex is a pathological diagnosed Narcissist and he wasn't as cruel as your stbx is.

I agree with refurb. Your stbx loves hisself more than he will ever love anyone else.

The best thing to help you is to print your I don't want portion of this post. Put it on the bathroom mirror. Remind yourself every morning how cruel he was and what you do want in your new life. Turn it into a what I don't like about the stbx. This was an exercise we did in one of my Divorce Care sessions. It did help so much and motivated me to move into a new life.

It will take time but you will have a new life and I think you will find a new love.

caligirl92354 10/08/2015

Trisha9054. Great advice on posting what you don't want on your bathroom mirror. I did it in a journal but every time I had doubts or hurt, I'd go to my journal, read the list, let it sink in and moved on. I think it helped me process faster because I didn't get stuck in the merry-go-round in my brain.

MNMama 10/08/2015

Reading this, I'm seeing the first glimmers of light, sneaking around the shock, the pain, to touch on what makes you such a special, wonderful, gift to this world.
"I am amazing." You are!
"I am capable of great love..." You are!
"I want to live." Yes! Live to pray, to love, to heal, to build your better and stronger self. With your faith, time, and doing the work inside to move forward through this, you will look around one day and realize you are really living.... no, make that LIVING!
I still hurt, sometimes cry, but know that I'm living in a much better place, and have grown into a much more loving and compassionate person than before.
It's too bad he doesn't love you, but it's HIS LOSS. And you are finding the path back to the light. Amen!

kamary 10/08/2015

Good on you, PU!!!!! Your name says it all. You're going to be just fine, my dear. It's always a long haul forward from divorce with ups and downs, backwards and forwards, but eventually, you will have lots of good days in a row. It's so good to see you making the steps that carry you forward.

I also felt as though you were writing my story. I so loved the ex that I stayed far too long thinking he would be like that young man again one day if I only loved him enough. Now I know it wasn't meant to be. We can't make other people be or do anything. It's always each person's decision who they are on a daily basis.

I love who you are today!! You're inspiring me!!!

love and hugs
kamary

yougospam 10/09/2015

Thanks for your inspiring post!!! That is why I love and depend on this site, it has helped me through so many dark times and what has kept me going. I never knew that men/women just pick up and leave but the same thing happened to me in Feb. 2014. I never knew about emotionally unavailable men either so I have learned a ton through this journey. It's been hell, but being the fighter I am I am slowly getting my life back. Good luck and know we are here whenever you need us. What I've learned the most is this "It is their loss". I have to tell myself that a lot, especially early on, now I really believe it! You sound so good, that makes the rest of us happy. Hugs~

kaycarol 10/10/2015

I am new to this group and have been reading posts for the last several weeks. My husband decided 6 weeks ago that he no longer wanted to be married. Yesterday was our 22nd anniversary. Reading all your posts has given me hope. I will survive.

missd12932 10/10/2015

You are doing great PU. I was the one who left and at first I regretted it no end. I sat here and cried for months on end. But thank goodness for this group who showed me how to leave the past behind little by
little. And I also had a good therapist. She encouraged me to cry and talk about all my bad feelings to
get them out in the open.
I feel like [almost] a new person. I had a crying spell yesterday but worked through it and learned a little more about myself.

Hang in there you will make it. Kamary is right we want what we thought we had not what we really had.

Hugs

iammine 10/11/2015

Pickin up, the pain is so visceral in your posts that it made the hair stand up on my arms. It's so hard for some of us who;ve been on the site for years now, survived and thrived as it were, to see new members who are in so much emotional turmoil. We've healed, and you will heal, but you don't forget.

Keep up the positive self-talk, that is wonderful therapy for you. Also, if you haven;t yet done so, join a support group to connect with others who are also going through painful divorces. It really helps to have that real-life connection with others during this time. This site is GREAT and we are all real people who've been through difficult divorces but it and we can't replace real life real time support. Get out there and join - I promise you will be glad that you did.

Hugs of support - there is life and happiness on the other side sister!

Time4Kim 10/12/2015

Pickingup, my heart aches for you as I read your post. It's as though you were living inside my head and heart. My story is very similar to yours. Only, you have already made the discovery that took me more than 2 years to finally accept: that he didn't really love me. He sent me signals all throughout our marriage, but I was so young and naive that I failed to see them. And, even when it started to register, I didn't want to accept the painful truth so I buried it with excuses for his behavior and overeating and a host of other self-destructive behaviors of my own. I contemplated suicide many times, the pain was just too great. But, when I finally realized that he never really loved me, except for maybe pockets of time when our children were young, I felt more free and the terrible loss I had been mourning suddenly felt less overwhelming. It helped me to see just how unhealthy and unhappy my marriage really was. I lived in a fake fog of happiness that I created to mask the reality.

I applaud your ability to see the beautiful and wonderful person you truly are. Never lose sight of that. You already have great advice from the others here. I do agree that in person counseling or a support group would help quite a lot. I went to two different therapists, and I know they both helped me tremendously.

Sending you hugs and love. You will not only get through this, you will flourish!

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