Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
I'm not new here. This site was my lifeline when I was going through my divorce 4 years ago. I was devastated by the divorce. It was messy and ugly and very hurtful. It took me years to "get over" it. My ex left me when I was 3 months pregnant with his 3rd child for my best friend. I was taken completely by surprise and was even more traumatized by the way the ex and his family treated me after he left. You would have thought I had done it to him.
Like I said it was such a messy divorce made more complicated by numerous errors on the part of the attorneys and the judge. So much so that 4 years later I am still trying to get out from under his poison.
About 2 years ago I started talking to someone I met on eharmony from another state and we got to know each other over the phone for about a year. Finally when I felt it was the right time I invited him and his 2 kids to move in with me. They did and next thing I know I'm in love with him.
For the sake of keeping this short, I am leaving out all the details but a lot happened in the 4 years since the divorce. There was and still is a custody battle going on. We still own the home I live in together and that is now an issue. The ex has gotten remarried to the woman he cheated with and they are now about to have a baby. Anyway, there's so much to tell.
When the new bf moved in with me he was going to school and was only able to get a part time job paying very little so I supported us. I knew when he came out that he was in school so I was okay with supporting them. Unfortunately about 3 months ago I was fired from my job. At the same time the ex served me papers to go back to court to for custody of the 4 year old and claimed I owed him money. It was laughable because he has been behind on his child support and he was ordered to pay me a portion of his retirement which he had not been doing. After a couple of months my money was gone and I was unable to pay the mortgage on the house and so that also became an issue for the courts. As this was happening my bf informed me that he and his kids where moving back to their home state. I was devastated. He gave me a weeks notice and then moved out the weekend before I had to start moving out. Instead of a hearing we decided on a settlement conference that did not go well. Some how I came out owing him like 7 thousand dollars! This is the second attorney I've gone to and I can't seem to get any justice. I've totally lost any faith in the justice system. I live in AZ which is a no fault divorce state so no matter what he did it doesn't matter.
Right now I am feeling broken and defeated in so many ways I can't even find the strength to get out of bed in the morning. It has taken me a week to find the strength to write this. I do suffer from depression but since I lost my job, I also lost my medical coverage and can't afford to pay for my medications. I am moving back in with my parents who live an hour away but that is a problem because the kids go to school here. We alternate week to week with the older kids and the 4 year old is yet to be determined. My ex harasses me constantly through texts, email and face to face when we exchange the kids. I want to get a restraining order on him but like I said, I have no faith in the justice system.
I have to be out of my house in 2 days. The house I have lived in and raised my kids in for 15 years. Packing has been so hard. I feel so much loss. But I am also eager to get away from the memories of the ex and our life together. I am completely at a loss as to what to do financially. I owe so much on credit cards that I haven't been able to pay for months and I don't know what to do about them. My financial situation is a mess. I am an emotional mess and can't even imagine getting another job right now. I'm an RN but I know I could never do the job right now in the condition I am in.
The BF leaving was the straw that broke the camels back. He had not discussed it with me until after he left. Everyone I know says I'm better off without him and that he used me for a year and then left when things got tough and I needed him the most. I don't want to believe that. He says that he left because he couldn't live with me anymore not being married and he wasn't ready to get married. He still wants to stay together and get married when he graduates from school in 3 years. I've told him that I can't and don't want to wait that long, nor do I think it's reasonable to think we would stay together that long. He says he thinks we can do it.
I'm so lost. I am so depressed and I feel so hopeless. My life as gotten completely out of control and I don't know how to handle it.
I worked so hard my whole life to do the right things so I could have the life I wanted. Then the divorce happened and everything I had worked for was for nothing. I somehow struggled and fought my way back to what resembled a functional life. For a little while it seemed like things were going to work out and we were going to be okay. Now all this.
The MOST important thing to me are my kids. My ex used them in such nasty ways during the breakup and then didn't even have anything to do with the baby until she was 2 years old. Now he doesn't want to pay child support so he wants her more often. They have been through so much and I am filled with guilt that I was not able to stop what happened. I am only alive today because of my kids. I will admit that. I did go through extensive therapy during and after the divorce. It saved my life then.
Everyone tells me that this will be a new start again for me. I just don't have the heart to tell them that I don't have the strength to do it again. My heart was shattered with the divorce and I somehow managed to pull the pieces back together again and then it happened again. I don't think I can stay with the BF after what he has done, leaving me like that when I needed him most but I still love him. I talk to him every day because I need some support but sometimes when he tells me the things he is doing it just makes me feel worse. I had hoped that he would go and be so miserable being apart that he would come back but he is actually quite busy over there and even having fun. He says he misses me but it certainly isn't to the extent that I miss him.
Today I got an email from the ex saying among other things that he was glad he left me and that the BF was a smart man to leave me too. I don't understand where his hatred for me comes from. In his book EVERYTHING that happened has been my fault. He even justifies his infidelity that way.
I am so utterly broken I can't function. I hate my life and see no good coming my way. I know that getting back on me feet is going to take a lot of hard work and a few miracles but I just don't feel like I have it any me anymore. I just want to curl up and die. I have no hope left and though I pray daily I don't know that my prayers are being heard. Things just get worse and worse. Yesterday even my 12 year old car started giving me problems. I had to replace the tires and now one of the windows won't roll up. I don't even have enough money for food much less car repairs.
I'm in total crisis but I can't do anything about it. I've even considered going to a crisis center for help but then I would lose my kids for sure.
I'm having anxiety and panic attacks left and right and I'm barely holding on. Barely.
Like I said it was such a messy divorce made more complicated by numerous errors on the part of the attorneys and the judge. So much so that 4 years later I am still trying to get out from under his poison.
About 2 years ago I started talking to someone I met on eharmony from another state and we got to know each other over the phone for about a year. Finally when I felt it was the right time I invited him and his 2 kids to move in with me. They did and next thing I know I'm in love with him.
For the sake of keeping this short, I am leaving out all the details but a lot happened in the 4 years since the divorce. There was and still is a custody battle going on. We still own the home I live in together and that is now an issue. The ex has gotten remarried to the woman he cheated with and they are now about to have a baby. Anyway, there's so much to tell.
When the new bf moved in with me he was going to school and was only able to get a part time job paying very little so I supported us. I knew when he came out that he was in school so I was okay with supporting them. Unfortunately about 3 months ago I was fired from my job. At the same time the ex served me papers to go back to court to for custody of the 4 year old and claimed I owed him money. It was laughable because he has been behind on his child support and he was ordered to pay me a portion of his retirement which he had not been doing. After a couple of months my money was gone and I was unable to pay the mortgage on the house and so that also became an issue for the courts. As this was happening my bf informed me that he and his kids where moving back to their home state. I was devastated. He gave me a weeks notice and then moved out the weekend before I had to start moving out. Instead of a hearing we decided on a settlement conference that did not go well. Some how I came out owing him like 7 thousand dollars! This is the second attorney I've gone to and I can't seem to get any justice. I've totally lost any faith in the justice system. I live in AZ which is a no fault divorce state so no matter what he did it doesn't matter.
Right now I am feeling broken and defeated in so many ways I can't even find the strength to get out of bed in the morning. It has taken me a week to find the strength to write this. I do suffer from depression but since I lost my job, I also lost my medical coverage and can't afford to pay for my medications. I am moving back in with my parents who live an hour away but that is a problem because the kids go to school here. We alternate week to week with the older kids and the 4 year old is yet to be determined. My ex harasses me constantly through texts, email and face to face when we exchange the kids. I want to get a restraining order on him but like I said, I have no faith in the justice system.
I have to be out of my house in 2 days. The house I have lived in and raised my kids in for 15 years. Packing has been so hard. I feel so much loss. But I am also eager to get away from the memories of the ex and our life together. I am completely at a loss as to what to do financially. I owe so much on credit cards that I haven't been able to pay for months and I don't know what to do about them. My financial situation is a mess. I am an emotional mess and can't even imagine getting another job right now. I'm an RN but I know I could never do the job right now in the condition I am in.
The BF leaving was the straw that broke the camels back. He had not discussed it with me until after he left. Everyone I know says I'm better off without him and that he used me for a year and then left when things got tough and I needed him the most. I don't want to believe that. He says that he left because he couldn't live with me anymore not being married and he wasn't ready to get married. He still wants to stay together and get married when he graduates from school in 3 years. I've told him that I can't and don't want to wait that long, nor do I think it's reasonable to think we would stay together that long. He says he thinks we can do it.
I'm so lost. I am so depressed and I feel so hopeless. My life as gotten completely out of control and I don't know how to handle it.
I worked so hard my whole life to do the right things so I could have the life I wanted. Then the divorce happened and everything I had worked for was for nothing. I somehow struggled and fought my way back to what resembled a functional life. For a little while it seemed like things were going to work out and we were going to be okay. Now all this.
The MOST important thing to me are my kids. My ex used them in such nasty ways during the breakup and then didn't even have anything to do with the baby until she was 2 years old. Now he doesn't want to pay child support so he wants her more often. They have been through so much and I am filled with guilt that I was not able to stop what happened. I am only alive today because of my kids. I will admit that. I did go through extensive therapy during and after the divorce. It saved my life then.
Everyone tells me that this will be a new start again for me. I just don't have the heart to tell them that I don't have the strength to do it again. My heart was shattered with the divorce and I somehow managed to pull the pieces back together again and then it happened again. I don't think I can stay with the BF after what he has done, leaving me like that when I needed him most but I still love him. I talk to him every day because I need some support but sometimes when he tells me the things he is doing it just makes me feel worse. I had hoped that he would go and be so miserable being apart that he would come back but he is actually quite busy over there and even having fun. He says he misses me but it certainly isn't to the extent that I miss him.
Today I got an email from the ex saying among other things that he was glad he left me and that the BF was a smart man to leave me too. I don't understand where his hatred for me comes from. In his book EVERYTHING that happened has been my fault. He even justifies his infidelity that way.
I am so utterly broken I can't function. I hate my life and see no good coming my way. I know that getting back on me feet is going to take a lot of hard work and a few miracles but I just don't feel like I have it any me anymore. I just want to curl up and die. I have no hope left and though I pray daily I don't know that my prayers are being heard. Things just get worse and worse. Yesterday even my 12 year old car started giving me problems. I had to replace the tires and now one of the windows won't roll up. I don't even have enough money for food much less car repairs.
I'm in total crisis but I can't do anything about it. I've even considered going to a crisis center for help but then I would lose my kids for sure.
I'm having anxiety and panic attacks left and right and I'm barely holding on. Barely.
Prayers and hugs
Cheryl
I'm going to say to you what my counsellor said to me : "Considering what's happening to you, I'd be worried about you if you didn't feel this way."
Please call a crisis centre or a therapist. Failing those, make an appointment with your GP. Find someone to talk to rather than stay at home. Even if you go outside and simply share talk of the weather with a neighbour, make some human contact.
You've made it through difficult times before, from what you say. You can do it again.
Talk here some more. Let us know what's happening and how you're going.
love and hugs
sending prayers for you
kamary
Losing yourself or breaking down is not a weakness. That what breaks you will only make you stronger. Please don't ever give up no matter how bad it gets or how long it takes. You are a caring and strong woman-you must be to be a mother and a nurse. Focus on the good things you are and what you still have to hold onto.
I hope you recognize that your bf is part of the problem. Do not trust him please. Find your support elsewhere.
It concerns me that you have not check back. I do realize that you are involved in this move, but we are all very concerned. Will you get back when you can please? We are all on your side, with you.