Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
I'm not new here. This site was my lifeline when I was going through my divorce 4 years ago. I was devastated by the divorce. It was messy and ugly and very hurtful. It took me years to "get over" it. My ex left me when I was 3 months pregnant with his 3rd child for my best friend. I was taken completely by surprise and was even more traumatized by the way the ex and his family treated me after he left. You would have thought I had done it to him.
Like I said it was such a messy divorce made more complicated by numerous errors on the part of the attorneys and the judge. So much so that 4 years later I am still trying to get out from under his poison.
About 2 years ago I started talking to someone I met on eharmony from another state and we got to know each other over the phone for about a year. Finally when I felt it was the right time I invited him and his 2 kids to move in with me. They did and next thing I know I'm in love with him.
For the sake of keeping this short, I am leaving out all the details but a lot happened in the 4 years since the divorce. There was and still is a custody battle going on. We still own the home I live in together and that is now an issue. The ex has gotten remarried to the woman he cheated with and they are now about to have a baby. Anyway, there's so much to tell.
When the new bf moved in with me he was going to school and was only able to get a part time job paying very little so I supported us. I knew when he came out that he was in school so I was okay with supporting them. Unfortunately about 3 months ago I was fired from my job. At the same time the ex served me papers to go back to court to for custody of the 4 year old and claimed I owed him money. It was laughable because he has been behind on his child support and he was ordered to pay me a portion of his retirement which he had not been doing. After a couple of months my money was gone and I was unable to pay the mortgage on the house and so that also became an issue for the courts. As this was happening my bf informed me that he and his kids where moving back to their home state. I was devastated. He gave me a weeks notice and then moved out the weekend before I had to start moving out. Instead of a hearing we decided on a settlement conference that did not go well. Some how I came out owing him like 7 thousand dollars! This is the second attorney I've gone to and I can't seem to get any justice. I've totally lost any faith in the justice system. I live in AZ which is a no fault divorce state so no matter what he did it doesn't matter.
Right now I am feeling broken and defeated in so many ways I can't even find the strength to get out of bed in the morning. It has taken me a week to find the strength to write this. I do suffer from depression but since I lost my job, I also lost my medical coverage and can't afford to pay for my medications. I am moving back in with my parents who live an hour away but that is a problem because the kids go to school here. We alternate week to week with the older kids and the 4 year old is yet to be determined. My ex harasses me constantly through texts, email and face to face when we exchange the kids. I want to get a restraining order on him but like I said, I have no faith in the justice system.
I have to be out of my house in 2 days. The house I have lived in and raised my kids in for 15 years. Packing has been so hard. I feel so much loss. But I am also eager to get away from the memories of the ex and our life together. I am completely at a loss as to what to do financially. I owe so much on credit cards that I haven't been able to pay for months and I don't know what to do about them. My financial situation is a mess. I am an emotional mess and can't even imagine getting another job right now. I'm an RN but I know I could never do the job right now in the condition I am in.
The BF leaving was the straw that broke the camels back. He had not discussed it with me until after he left. Everyone I know says I'm better off without him and that he used me for a year and then left when things got tough and I needed him the most. I don't want to believe that. He says that he left because he couldn't live with me anymore not being married and he wasn't ready to get married. He still wants to stay together and get married when he graduates from school in 3 years. I've told him that I can't and don't want to wait that long, nor do I think it's reasonable to think we would stay together that long. He says he thinks we can do it.
I'm so lost. I am so depressed and I feel so hopeless. My life as gotten completely out of control and I don't know how to handle it.
I worked so hard my whole life to do the right things so I could have the life I wanted. Then the divorce happened and everything I had worked for was for nothing. I somehow struggled and fought my way back to what resembled a functional life. For a little while it seemed like things were going to work out and we were going to be okay. Now all this.
The MOST important thing to me are my kids. My ex used them in such nasty ways during the breakup and then didn't even have anything to do with the baby until she was 2 years old. Now he doesn't want to pay child support so he wants her more often. They have been through so much and I am filled with guilt that I was not able to stop what happened. I am only alive today because of my kids. I will admit that. I did go through extensive therapy during and after the divorce. It saved my life then.
Everyone tells me that this will be a new start again for me. I just don't have the heart to tell them that I don't have the strength to do it again. My heart was shattered with the divorce and I somehow managed to pull the pieces back together again and then it happened again. I don't think I can stay with the BF after what he has done, leaving me like that when I needed him most but I still love him. I talk to him every day because I need some support but sometimes when he tells me the things he is doing it just makes me feel worse. I had hoped that he would go and be so miserable being apart that he would come back but he is actually quite busy over there and even having fun. He says he misses me but it certainly isn't to the extent that I miss him.
Today I got an email from the ex saying among other things that he was glad he left me and that the BF was a smart man to leave me too. I don't understand where his hatred for me comes from. In his book EVERYTHING that happened has been my fault. He even justifies his infidelity that way.
I am so utterly broken I can't function. I hate my life and see no good coming my way. I know that getting back on me feet is going to take a lot of hard work and a few miracles but I just don't feel like I have it any me anymore. I just want to curl up and die. I have no hope left and though I pray daily I don't know that my prayers are being heard. Things just get worse and worse. Yesterday even my 12 year old car started giving me problems. I had to replace the tires and now one of the windows won't roll up. I don't even have enough money for food much less car repairs.
I'm in total crisis but I can't do anything about it. I've even considered going to a crisis center for help but then I would lose my kids for sure.
I'm having anxiety and panic attacks left and right and I'm barely holding on. Barely.
Like I said it was such a messy divorce made more complicated by numerous errors on the part of the attorneys and the judge. So much so that 4 years later I am still trying to get out from under his poison.
About 2 years ago I started talking to someone I met on eharmony from another state and we got to know each other over the phone for about a year. Finally when I felt it was the right time I invited him and his 2 kids to move in with me. They did and next thing I know I'm in love with him.
For the sake of keeping this short, I am leaving out all the details but a lot happened in the 4 years since the divorce. There was and still is a custody battle going on. We still own the home I live in together and that is now an issue. The ex has gotten remarried to the woman he cheated with and they are now about to have a baby. Anyway, there's so much to tell.
When the new bf moved in with me he was going to school and was only able to get a part time job paying very little so I supported us. I knew when he came out that he was in school so I was okay with supporting them. Unfortunately about 3 months ago I was fired from my job. At the same time the ex served me papers to go back to court to for custody of the 4 year old and claimed I owed him money. It was laughable because he has been behind on his child support and he was ordered to pay me a portion of his retirement which he had not been doing. After a couple of months my money was gone and I was unable to pay the mortgage on the house and so that also became an issue for the courts. As this was happening my bf informed me that he and his kids where moving back to their home state. I was devastated. He gave me a weeks notice and then moved out the weekend before I had to start moving out. Instead of a hearing we decided on a settlement conference that did not go well. Some how I came out owing him like 7 thousand dollars! This is the second attorney I've gone to and I can't seem to get any justice. I've totally lost any faith in the justice system. I live in AZ which is a no fault divorce state so no matter what he did it doesn't matter.
Right now I am feeling broken and defeated in so many ways I can't even find the strength to get out of bed in the morning. It has taken me a week to find the strength to write this. I do suffer from depression but since I lost my job, I also lost my medical coverage and can't afford to pay for my medications. I am moving back in with my parents who live an hour away but that is a problem because the kids go to school here. We alternate week to week with the older kids and the 4 year old is yet to be determined. My ex harasses me constantly through texts, email and face to face when we exchange the kids. I want to get a restraining order on him but like I said, I have no faith in the justice system.
I have to be out of my house in 2 days. The house I have lived in and raised my kids in for 15 years. Packing has been so hard. I feel so much loss. But I am also eager to get away from the memories of the ex and our life together. I am completely at a loss as to what to do financially. I owe so much on credit cards that I haven't been able to pay for months and I don't know what to do about them. My financial situation is a mess. I am an emotional mess and can't even imagine getting another job right now. I'm an RN but I know I could never do the job right now in the condition I am in.
The BF leaving was the straw that broke the camels back. He had not discussed it with me until after he left. Everyone I know says I'm better off without him and that he used me for a year and then left when things got tough and I needed him the most. I don't want to believe that. He says that he left because he couldn't live with me anymore not being married and he wasn't ready to get married. He still wants to stay together and get married when he graduates from school in 3 years. I've told him that I can't and don't want to wait that long, nor do I think it's reasonable to think we would stay together that long. He says he thinks we can do it.
I'm so lost. I am so depressed and I feel so hopeless. My life as gotten completely out of control and I don't know how to handle it.
I worked so hard my whole life to do the right things so I could have the life I wanted. Then the divorce happened and everything I had worked for was for nothing. I somehow struggled and fought my way back to what resembled a functional life. For a little while it seemed like things were going to work out and we were going to be okay. Now all this.
The MOST important thing to me are my kids. My ex used them in such nasty ways during the breakup and then didn't even have anything to do with the baby until she was 2 years old. Now he doesn't want to pay child support so he wants her more often. They have been through so much and I am filled with guilt that I was not able to stop what happened. I am only alive today because of my kids. I will admit that. I did go through extensive therapy during and after the divorce. It saved my life then.
Everyone tells me that this will be a new start again for me. I just don't have the heart to tell them that I don't have the strength to do it again. My heart was shattered with the divorce and I somehow managed to pull the pieces back together again and then it happened again. I don't think I can stay with the BF after what he has done, leaving me like that when I needed him most but I still love him. I talk to him every day because I need some support but sometimes when he tells me the things he is doing it just makes me feel worse. I had hoped that he would go and be so miserable being apart that he would come back but he is actually quite busy over there and even having fun. He says he misses me but it certainly isn't to the extent that I miss him.
Today I got an email from the ex saying among other things that he was glad he left me and that the BF was a smart man to leave me too. I don't understand where his hatred for me comes from. In his book EVERYTHING that happened has been my fault. He even justifies his infidelity that way.
I am so utterly broken I can't function. I hate my life and see no good coming my way. I know that getting back on me feet is going to take a lot of hard work and a few miracles but I just don't feel like I have it any me anymore. I just want to curl up and die. I have no hope left and though I pray daily I don't know that my prayers are being heard. Things just get worse and worse. Yesterday even my 12 year old car started giving me problems. I had to replace the tires and now one of the windows won't roll up. I don't even have enough money for food much less car repairs.
I'm in total crisis but I can't do anything about it. I've even considered going to a crisis center for help but then I would lose my kids for sure.
I'm having anxiety and panic attacks left and right and I'm barely holding on. Barely.
Here's a little hope for you... Sarah Ban Breathnacht was a multimillionaire, lost it all, including her marriage, wound up on her sister's doorstep with a suitcase and a cat. She started over and is doing ok... you can too. Check with that crisis center, ok?
The house, the money, the boyfriend and the X mean nothing in the big grand scheme of things. What is important is your kids and your health.
The way I see it, you have a LOT going FOR YOU - let's break it down:
You have your children - BLESSINGS OF BABES.
Your Mother and Father are still alive and are willing to take you in - WONDERFUL BLESSING OF A FINE LOVING FAMILY.
The boyfriend - left - GOOD THING HE DID - HE WAS LIVING OFF OF YOU AND WHEN THE GOING GOT TOUGH - THE PUSSY GOT GOING. FORGET HIM.
Your X is simply an hateful ass - LEARN FROM HIS IDOIOCY... how to never put yourself in that position again.
I know how hard it is and I'm so sorry that you are going through this rough patch, but after the divorce while being pregnant - this is nothing, compared to all of what you have already gone through. You just have to get your head on straight. Your an RN - you'll be able to find work ANYWHERE... Great proffession to be in. Safe and in demand. You'll find something.
Your a fighter girl - you can do this and you can come out on top. Have confidence in yourself. You are tougher than you give yourself credit for!
(Hugs)
My mother was an alcoholic and attempted suicide many times when I was a kid. Every time she made those attempts, I blamed myself. I truly believe those experiences as a kid were to save me today. I know what it feels like to be a child of attempted suicide. My mother passed away when she was only 51 from lung cancer. I think she just stopped wanting to live. My dad left her for another woman 4 years earlier - one who was younger and rich, but definitely not prettier or loving.
Look at all you've done up to this point. Everything from this point on is for YOU and your kids, take care of just yourself and your kids. I lucked out and found a program associated with a med school in my area where I get counseling from a 4th year psychiatric resident. I can meet with her once a week if need be. I have learned so much and I've been helped tremendously. I've gone to counseling over the years, but I've recently learned I'm co-dependent - I tend to take care of people better than I ever have taken care of myself - what an eye-opener. I'm learning to be a good person but I make sure I take care of myself too.
I'm strong. So are you with all you've endured. Today is just a bad day - it will be better tomorrow. You will have good days and bad days. I also have fibromyalgia which has taught me about good days and bad days. It's hard, but we can do it. We are not quitters and we never will be. We need to count our blessings - some days, it's hard to see them. Come to this site and vent as much as you want, it's a lifesaver. You'll get hugs and pep talks and you will get your strength back. My mom always said it gets worse right before it gets better.
We can do this together along with all of our friends here.
I will be holding you in my thoughts and prayers. Please say a few of your own tonight -- God delivers!
You have many blessings, and you have to start counting them.
The children are your number one blessing.
The house can be replaced.
The job can be replaced.
YOU cannot be replaced, and your children are counting on you. You will come out of this better and stronger and so will your childrens
Hugs & Prayers
Your X is abusive and you are his target. Time to cut that off. People like that don't change they just look for different targets. Don't allow him to talk to you about anything other than the kids. You don't need input or commentary from him. Personally, I would have never seen the extent of the abusiveness in my marriage if I hadn't been in counseling. (Why does he do that? by Bancroft is a good book to describe abuser/abused relationship)
You have probly read that it is important to work on yourself before getting into another relationship. You don't think you can handle the current circumstances- maybe that isn't true. You may not want to, but you probly can handle it. It is important for you to build your self esteem up so you don't need a man when times are tough. I mean that you can handle your life and won't be dependant on unreliable men. (Safe People by Cloud- another good book)
You did what you thought was right and look at the mess. Many here have been there too. You don't deserve it. It isn't a reflection of your value. No, no, no. Put up a stop sign to those negative thoughts.
Just take one thing at a time. Dave Ramsey has a program for people working their way to Financial Peace. check out his website and see if there is a course coming near you.
peace
I am up late, and have to go to bed, but I want to say I am pulling for you. Many people have been at what seems like the bottom, and got up and started again. You can also. We all can. I swear for some, it just gets worse before it gets better. Lots of support from others here and I am so glad you came back.
I offer this.. suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Please call a hel[ line if you are even considering it. If you go to the main page of DS there are some listed. A help line will have information and some free help no matter where you live in the country. We are pulling for you, and you know you have friends and support here. HUGS
Try and work on what you can right now.. and let the rest go. Crisis mode is just that. Please know that we care and you have to get up for your children. They need you and love you. Go to your parents and start over. I know it hurts about the BF, but let that go right now also. Shelve it as they say.
I also thought if therapy helped you with the divorce, call your therapist.. no matter that you do not have insurance, make a crisis call and I am sure they will talk to you on the phone. No matter how long it has been since you were in touch.
I offer this.. suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Please call a hel[ line if you are even considering it. If you go to the main page of DS there are some listed. A help line will have information and some free help no matter where you live in the country. We are pulling for you, and you know you have friends and support here. HUGS
Get tough with that ex--tell him you will only communicate through email and only discuss the kids. Period.
Sending loads of hugs and prayers!!!
The level of commitment you are willing to accept depends on QUALIFYING your suitor's actions in respect of keeping the physical relationship intact and having [adequate] support is a "must have". It's quite the reverse of womens invitation and consent. Its best to allow your suitors to initiate, for it shows the extent of their desire and cost to be with you.
You have an employable skill which can solve your immediate day-to-day money issues. People interactions can be a healthy distraction for you and helps forms new relationships. Bankruptcy is an option to consider.
Regarding your ex, don't engage. Remind yourself, people outside of yourself do not define you.
When I'm not in this frantic state of anxiety and depression I can imagine a better life for myself.
When I have yhe energy to move myself I do volunteer work every week, take walks at the local wetlands, and Try to take care of my health, too.
Please don't make ANY permanent decisions when you feel this way. Just get through the day 1 hour or even 1 minute at a time.
Depressions, I've been told, are self-limiting, although the unresolved issues leading to the depression do have to be dealt with---just not right this minute..
Now is about trying to soothe yourself.
Keep posting. I always find this group is the most caring group, no matter what issue you are facing, and you will get the support you need.
I'm thinking about you and sending you big hugs.
You are a strong woman, especially reaching out for help. Please call the crisis center. That's their job. They will be able to guide you. We all have ups and downs through this process. It's not easy and it's definitely not easy alone. The ex is an ass, and you know that. The BF, you don't need that crap in your life after what you have been through. A true man sticks with a woman through the hard times. He is truly a user and coward. Look within and find the strength that propelled you forward 4 years ago. This is only a bump in the road. It's okay to seek out help. Hugs!