I think they act like this because they know in their heart how horribly they have acted, I think for them it is a defense mechanism. Hard to feel bad when you are making someone else feel like crap, he has to look at himself everyday and KNOW what he has done.

You go ahead and cry and then tomorrow one foot in front of the other again, and know we are here for you.

Hugs to you.

Oh, sweetheart - he does not hate you, I promise this to you. He may act like he hates you and perhaps even thinks that he does, but he doesn't. This is about him, not you - and he has to project his feelings on to you to make his decisions right. Plus, he can't let himself see your pain - he's just not man enough to grasp what his actions have done to anyone. He wants it to be okay with everyone. Missiann is right, this is a defense mechanism. I know this does not take your pain away, but you need to know in your heart that this has nothing, nothing, nothing to do with you. He is unhappy in his life, he thinks change will fix it - and perhaps it will for a while, but it won't in the long term. I wish I could tell you that desire to understand, to talk, to figure it out goes away - it hasn't for me. I am divorced, my ex living with the OW and I still feel like I have 100,000 questions. I am really so sorry that you find yourself in this horrid space, and I wish I had some good advice for you - but I don't. Just know in your heart that this isn't about you, don't let him and the OW make you go to place where you feel worthless - you are not, and you know that!! Go ahead and cry, you must feel what you need to feel. Love and peace to you.

Hon, I know how you feel. My STBX has never talked to me since the day he walked out. My kids got into his email and found out about the OW. Why bother talking? You won't get the truth. He will hurt you again and again. Everything will be your fault. In their mind they leave because we made them. We never fought and got along good. Had great sex too.

I met with him the other day for the first time. 45 minutes was way more than enough time for me. We were both polite but distant. I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. He called me the next day and was a jerk again. He called today and I didn't pick up the phone. Our life is over. It's time for me now.

Don't bother talking to him. Email him your conditions. It hurts to much to have to deal with them. Hugs to you. I'm having a glass of wine with you. Cheers!!!!

You know, reading sld's post I feel I should add that I did as A LOT of questions in the very beginning and, unfortunately for me, he was extraordinarily honest and I know WAY MORE than I should for my mental health. Sooooooo... I'm going with sld - don't ask questions. I once had a counselor say to me: Don't ask questions you don't want the answers to... I get odd reactions from people when I repeat it, and I understand that - but for me, it was the right advice. I didn't need to or want to hear most of what he had to say and I know an excruciating level of detail about his relationship with the OW and I can't say that it has been helpful at all in the healing process at all.

I'm middle of the road on the asking questions bit. Some answers I got were very painful but I feel I have a bit of closure now. Lots of questions i'm sure were not answered truthfully. I know his pattern and he is lying.
I too felt like nothing but the last counselor we had gone to as a couple is still my counselor. she is a christian counselor and God has made me incredibly strong through her. You are loved and you are important. No one can take that from you, don't let him.

Looking4Me, I wish and hope he doesn't hate me because that would be worse than him leaving for me. I cared for him so much and I valued his opinion and feeling like he hates me is killing me. Everything just feels so out of control!

I know that there may be things I don't want to hear, but I think there are things I NEED to hear in order to help me move on. He said so many horrible things when he left and I need to know if they were true or not. He still hasn't admitted his relationship physical or otherwise but I need to know how he feels about her. I want to know if he has any feelings or care about me at all. I guess I'm just hoping for some closure and to see if it's possible or not to establish a friendship or are we going to always be so bitter and angry. I know that I have way more vested in this than he does and I'm very sensitive to begin with so I may end up getting really hurt, but I thin regardless of the pain, if it's the reality of the situation i have to face it. Don't you think it wil help me let go?

Well, cheleb, I don't know. Not helpful, I know. I will tell you I am a painfully practical person and I felt as you did, that I needed to know - needed to understand. And I still don't. I really shouldn't have told you not to ask questions, I'm sorry. You need to do what you feel is right for you. I will say that I understand where you are coming from because I am the same way. I just have to know. It didn't help me, though. If anything, I think it slowed my acceptance. This may not be the same for you - so don't put all your stock in what I have to say. We are all different, and if you feel you need to ask the questions - you should. I can almost guarantee whatever he said upon leaving was not true. Over time, I realized that my ex was grabbing at straws - he really needed this to be my fault somehow. Even though he had the affair, in his head he had to make it be because of something I had done to make it happen. I don't think this reaction is all that uncommon. So - I don't know if it will help you let go, but I guess if someone had told me not to ask questions I would not have listened to them. It is just the way I am wired. I'm really so sorry. This all sucks so much.

I went to divorcecare. They told me that you're angry, hurt, furious in the beginning. You yell and can't be near each other. They said many people heal in the 3 to 4 year mark and become friends. I don't know if that will be possible for me. If it does, great. If it doesn't, I can live with that too because I'm not the one who had the affair. I don't forgive him and I don't know when I will be able to.

You need to worry about you and the kids and not him. Get ANGRY!!!!!!
Don't give him this power over you. Hugs to you.

I wish there was just something I could say or do that could make us all feel a little less used, a little less hurt and to make us realize that we aren't the worthless, pathetic people that we seem to think we are.
I think the urge to have answers to why is only human. I think if I could just here what he has to say then I won't make the same mistakes over again. I have come to the point where I know my marriage is over - I can't make him love me, accept me or come back. I tried, he left and gave up he quit. He's moved on - he has found a new GF and it hurts to know that you can be replaed so fast after 21 years - but in my heart I know it will not last. He has not faced his demons, his issues - they are all still there - he choses not to talk about it or in my situation he doesn't want to sling mud. I don't understand how you can go thru life and never have to say your sorry for anything, how you can shift blame to be all one sided - it's not. He tells me he cares - and in the last email - he will always love me in his heart - well, it's not enough - does he say those things to ease his guilt to make himself believe that he is saying the right things, he perceives himself doing the right things - he's forcing the bank to foreclose on a house where I and his 2 children live - he pays our daughter support directly - and he tels me he is doing what is right more than what other men would do. I guess we all have different expectations of what is right or wrong.
What hurts the most is after giving him and raising 2 great kids, being a loving, loyal wife, a good friend, I gave him a sense of family, something he never had - that he cannot tell me that I meant something to him in his life. I too have asked for answers, I have written emails apologizing and asking for his forgiveness and what I get is when he sees me to be treated like an acquaintance- someone he doesn't know. God last week - he couldn't even tell me happy birthday himself - he relayed that message thru my daughter and I'm sorry I am an emotional sort of person - that slight was too much to bear - I sent a message back - I admit it was a little sarcastic, okay not a littl it was heavily sarcastic - and he emails me back to say that he I can say what i want, be mean, hateful whatever - but he does care - well I don't see it that way. No matter what goes on now - he will be forever in my life - he is the father of my children. I too would like closure - but the closure I have is my own. I know in my heart that I did my best, I tried gave it all I could - I have to be content with that - I have to go on now and rebuild myself, my life and at 49 boy is that one scary but somehow, someway we will make it. I've had a few good days and then today, well it actually started last night with my kids at one another - I have been on a coule of days of being down - so lets hope tomorrow the sun is shining, we can feel a little bit of warmth and a little bit of light in our souls - my friends we all deserve that.

I am new to this site and I have to tell you that, although it is a sad commentary on middle-aged men, it is comforting to know that I am by far not the only one going through this very same thing. My husband left me after 20 years for a coworker, after lying to me three times about the affair being over. He even lied to the marriage counselor and told her the affair was over...then he filed for divorce. I still feel incredibly hurt and am not sure the pain will ever subside, but friends have assured me it does get better with time. I can really feel your pain. My husband also has turned things around in his head that somehow it is my fault he left. I don't believe him, but it still hurts. I have faith that I will eventually pull through this with the help and support of family and friends. So, chin up, cry when you want to and remember that it will get better.

Funny how that goes. My stbx blew this whole thing up after 32 years and is now spinning that it was all my fault. She is such a bitch, not at all the sweet thing that I married in '75.

I'm very hurt also, and angry. It would be so easy if I didn't care, but I still do...............

I am so sorry you are here, but I guess the comfort I can give you is I feel the same way! I have days or parts of days where I feel strong, but overall, I am miserable! I asked questions and the only thing I got in return is blame and very painful comments, which I can say took me way back! He has really hurt me telling me he doesn't give a shit about me, along with many other things. He is so indifferent to me that it is enough to make me crazy! I will no longer ask any questions. I got no true answers, only stealing my self-esteem! I desparately want to know what can suddenly change a best friend and devoted husband into such a FD, but that isn't helping me to take steps forward. I will always wonder what the hell happend, as will many others on this site, but in the end we can make decisions for our children and ourselves and that is all we have control over! We cannot control our spouses actions or decsions...if we could this site would be not exist! You cry all you need to and I know it gets old, but when you are finshed crying, then you will feel stronger. I am sorry for this painful hell you are in, but hopefully you can have some peace in the fact that you always have support here! Hugs to you!

The commonality of all our stories is so sad. I too get the blame, except when I break down from the criticisms he becomes the martyr and then plays the I(meaning him) am a horrible awful person card, Well yeah you are, not for having problems, not for being lost in this complicated life, but for giving up. for deciding life is better without me than with me. No, I wasnt perfect and I have contributed to this nightmare, but I was good to him and I didnt give up, and never once even when they were at there worst did I think I would be better without him.

I have to try and accept that I may never know the answers and I dont have to understand it, I just have to learn from my part in all of this and become a better me.

Before i found this site I would visit a midlife crisis forum. THese guys are textbook MC. Nothing is their fault, it was all us that drove them to the affair, the wieght loss, clothes, hair, mine got braces too. Thinks he's pretty hot stuff. After 3 years of therapy and him telling what is wrong with me I've learned that if he can walk away from me and our family...I'm gonna let him walk. Why do i want that back? Finally these things are starting to make sense to me. very slowly. I have no regrets, i know i gave it my all and was a loving wife...my children saw that and they watched his behavior as well. I dont' need to say anything to my kids they've got it all summed up.

Oh Celeb...it really isn't about YOU, it's ALL ABOUT HIM and what he thinks he wants. Unfortunately, in my opinion, he can't see past the OW..they are so blinded it's amazing. And yes it hurts but once you start realizing (and this comes and goes just like our feelings towards stbx, just like our tears) that YOU deserve better, then you can concentrate on YOU! YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS...you are EVEYTHING to us here and EVERYTHING to your children...and YES, YOU ARE EVERYTHING TO YOU...you just need to really really look deep down and look in the mirror. See what a beautiful woman you are and how sad it is that HE lost you...and it truly is his loss. I also agree with those that said be careful what you ask stbx because the answers may hurt and words can't be taken back nor forgotten. Remember, it's OK to cry and cry some more, but then get back up and stand tall and start to TAKE YOURSELF BACK....get to know YOU again. HUGS!