Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group

I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...

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fatallove 03/02/2009

Although the final divorce decree hasn't come through yet, the judge's ruling regarding support has taken effect. Up to now, my stbx has been having his entire check deposited into the joint account we shared and then on payday he would take out the amount he needed and leave about $2000.00 for me and the children. But the judge dropped that to $1200.00 starting February. So this payday he left $600.00. I am job searching but with half the hospitals over here having hiring freezes I'm not able to just start working right away. My mortgage is $1200.00 a month. That leaves all the utilities, food, gas, and everything else for me to pay for. I had hoped that the stbx would see how impossible it is going to be for me to live on what the judge ordered until I get a job and continue to support us a little longer. I just looked at the account and what I hoped was just that, hope. He left $600.00 and nothing more.

I'm so disappointed. I don't know why I was expecting anything more but I am so saddened that he could care less about us. How do they live with themselves. I have a baby here. As it is I think I am going to have to ask him to keep custody of the older children until I can afford to take care of them. I am going to have to get credit cards just to charge the house bills and buy food for the baby. It's so unfair! He left ME! FOR ANOTHER WOMAN and while they live in a nice big house nice and comfortable I am going to have to have to sell half the stuff I own at a yard sale to buy formula! I just don't understand the legal system. Why am I being punished for this? I didn't do anything wrong except love the wrong man.

I know about WIC and food stamps and will end up doing it if I can't find a job right away. I can't survive for very long. They say that most people are only a couple of paychecks from homelessness and that's where I am. I have family near so I can reach out to them but I'm so hurt and angry and desperate and sad. I'm about to lose everything. What kind of society is this? I've tried every avenue, military connections, civilian connections, the legal system. No one cares and no one is willing to do anything. WTF??? I'm sorry, I can't stop crying and I'm just venting and .... How do I go on with everything going against me?

MsTerey 03/02/2009

I feel for you. Is this temporary child support until the divorce comes through? You should be getting child support or at least family support, which is maintenance and child support combined. Tell me more.. Is 2000 a month about what he takes home, what is his income? I remember you posted that you have joint custody of the other children, that is why he doesn't pay CS for them. He gave you 600 dollars out of his paycheck and are you going to get another 600 in two weeks assuming he is paid bi-weekly? What about your house, are you ordered to sell it. If you got child support of 1200 a month that is good, the trouble is you have to support yourself.. and that is hard. Someone on here was an R.N.. was that you?

This is hard, the very toughest. You can do this, I promise. Pull yourself up, assess your skills and get out there and look. You can go on, you have a baby, children and support you said from your family. He is not worth it, you can do it! Hugs

deleted_user 03/02/2009

I would sign up for WIC and food stamps NOW. Usually takes time for that stuff to kick in. And even if you find a new job tomorrow, your first paycheck might not be for 3 -4 weeks.

I know you want to know WHY. But this is the way it is. You can do this.

fatallove 03/02/2009

The $1200 is the total child and spousal support together and it's for one year and then it drops even lower to $800 a month for a year and then hopefully his retirement will kick in and I will get that. The $2000 he was a little less than half his take home a month. I am supposed to keep the house for 15 more months and then have it reappraised and sold hoping the market gets better. And then he gets half of that profit but he is not required to put anything in to maintain or upkeep the house. We do have joint custody of the older kids so there is no support for them. I am an RN but I was out of work having the baby and now with the economy the way it is, it isn't as easy to get a job.

I know that in the long run I can make it but in the mean time I'm going to lose everything!!! I am even considering going to him and asking him to support us and I would pay him back but that is sooooooo not what I want to do. Right now I'm just so sick of it all. So sick of being the responsible one.

deleted_user 03/02/2009

I am so sorry. It's so amazing how these decisions affect us in so many different ways and the unfairness of it is sometimes so amazing. You sound like you have a good attitude, regardless of the sadness that he doesn't see the need to support his kids. It's something I don't think any of us on this site understand. It's so opposite of how we would react. But that's the challenge, realizing that they ARE different. They don't even THINK like we do or with the same rationale. They have moved on with their new lives and we're supposed to be happy and supportive. Unbelieveable. Big hugs my friend.

MsTerey 03/02/2009

They go by his gross pay... not his net From you told me, you got the standard child support, at about 800 a month. Because you had a work history prior to the birth of your baby, that is what figures in in the spousal support and the earning potential of a R.N.

I looked for many months for a job and all I saw were RN positions or health care postitons that required an RN in administration. Although that has changed a bit, I am sure that you with experience and a work history should have no problem finding a job. I know that overtime for a lot of nurses have been cut, I have a friend who works at a hospital and another who is an administrator at another. She said they are still hiring with a sign on bonus for RNs as they are demand, and can work a schedule of 3 days or 4. You may not be able to work overtime anyhow. Have you thought about the home health care field for an RN or a nursing home where the hours might suit you more with your baby. I remember that you wrote that once. Believe me, you have a work history, an professional Certification and you can do this.. dust yourself off, find a good child care solution and do it! Hugs

deleted_user 03/02/2009

It's so hard to believe that the court system allows this. The courts never helped me either. Anything that amounted to anything, I did myself. You will do fine though. Don't give up. So what if you have to ask for some help to get you through this - do it.

I agree with MsTerey - about the only jobs still available around here are for the health care industry. (probably because the economy is making everyone sick!) If anyone has a good chance of landing a job, it's you. Don't despair - just look for a good job. Actually, getting out there might help you in many ways. I know it's not what you want to do, but it may be very life changing for you mix with others right now. Good luck in all you do. Prayers and warm thoughts are with you.

queendy 03/02/2009

It doesn't seem right to me, it's like you don't have a lawyer, nor do you have submitted an income statement.
The divorce should not put you in hardship, so you have to appeal with your current situation, also stating the reality of your life. If you choose to stay home with the baby, he should provide spousal support. This law does not makes sense to me, so you need to check with a lawyer.

deleted_user 03/02/2009

Don't Panic! As I just came from your great post of Duct Tape to this. I am so sorry you are going through this but you are much stronger than you think. As Zen said go to WIC or any other services you can get and do not be ashamed to use them. Get yourself together to get that job. You can do this. Be glad you are in a field where you can find a job.
You may have to take something that is not perfect at first but then you can look for something better when you are on your feet. You may have to talk to the people holding your mortgage to see if your payment can be lowered. If your husband can afford to loan (Not support you) the difference 800 you have been getting and making it on till you can get your job or take it off your half when you do sell your home.(He would also benefit as to lose your home.) Maybe even think of taking in a boarder.
But darling don't panic and get so overwhelmed to jump to the worse situation and think you will even have to give up your children's custody. Breath and remember one day at a time. Yes, it is hard and if you defeat yourself in your thinking then you are really in trouble. Get out that duct tape and remember your glass may be half empty but you still have half a glass. Hold on and count your blessings. You are in my thoughts & prayers.

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