I've come to the point in my healing process where it's important for me to fully understand how I came to be in this place at this time in my life. I really want to move forward and start to leave the painful past behind me. But, I feel the weight of intense loss pushing down on me. Lately, it's been particularly difficult, and I am determined to understand why so I can move on. Although I'm a very sensitive person, I'm also very analytical. I need to understand the how and why so I can finally put something to rest. I realize that in divorce you don't always get that sort of closure. But, I needed to try and find it for my own peace of mind.

Cmonge posted about her efforts to redecorate her home and also mentioned the loss of the shared history in the divorce and how that affects us all. That loss is what I grieve the most. I suffer from a type of PTSD where flashbacks of moments and events flood in at very random and often inopportune times and escalate my anxiety and trigger intense emotional pain. These are all tied to that shared history. Some of them go way back, especially since I met my ex when we were only 15. So much of those memories and our history, in my mind, are based on what I perceived as a real connection and genuine love. But, I've come to understand that this may not be the case at all. With therapy and the use of other techniques, I've managed to somewhat diminish the relative trauma of the flashbacks. However, they tend to flare up during highly stressful times. I'm getting ready to graduate and there's a lot of uncertainty in my life right now, so this is one of those times. In my quest for answers, I happened across an article on Psychology Today that discussed the fantasy bond. When I read the description, the hairs on the back of my neck stood on end. Here is the link to the article if you'd like to read it: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-human-experience/200812/the-fantasy-bond-substitute-truly-loving-relationship

Essentially, the fantasy bond is illusory and based on routines, established roles, and shared history. It often occurs when one or both partners have been hurt or neglected in childhood. It's usually a defense mechanism designed to create a more secure environment by perceiving a connection even when there isn't one. It tends to happen when an individual is in the process of becoming more independent of his/her parents (as in an overly emotional and hormone driven 15 year old). As you might imagine, this is a house of cards that will eventually crumble. According to the research behind this concept, relationships built on fantasy bonds (and not just romantic ones) are frighteningly prevalent. I was so intrigued by this that I ordered the book, The Fantasy Bond, by Dr. Robert Firestone. I'm still reading it, but already I think I see the pattern that evolved in my relationship with my ex. It's hard to rationalize and accept how someone who once loved you so strongly could just walk away after so many years. I know many of you have struggled with this in your divorces. But, if the bond you thought you had wasn't based on reality and was, instead, a very unhealthy mirage, that makes a whole lot more sense. Somehow, that's easier for me to accept and much easier for me to let go.

Similarly, I read about the betrayal bond. These are bonds formed after traumatic events or circumstances, like divorce, where emotions are incredibly intense and there's an exploitation of trust or power. This creates a link between a victim of abuse or betrayal and the person(s) who have harmed them that is very strong and often incredibly difficult to break. I understand the forces of energy, and how you can manifest certain things simply by focusing on them. So, this makes sense. I haven't read the book yet (The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships by Patrick Carnes), but I suspect it will help to explain why these intense feelings keep lingering and make it hard for us to heal and move on.

Perhaps this won't help everyone. But, it has already helped me. It's easier for me to let go of my ex and our life together if I know or suspect that what we had wasn't the genuine and loving connection I perceived it to be. This would certainly explain why it was so easy for him to walk away and why none of our history together seems to matter to him at all. Weak bonds break easily. It's basic chemistry. The danger in this for anyone who may have had such a bond is that the still broken parts of us will attempt to relive the past and keep trying to establish new fantasy bonds. The book offers detailed help on how to break this cycle. I know that's important for me. I thought it might be helpful for many of you, too.

I hope this might shed some light on the how's and why's of the losses we've suffered in divorce. Perhaps it will help some of you to let go and move on, too. It certainly helps me to know that although I definitely made mistakes in my marriage, the relationship I thought I had with my ex wasn't a healthy one and was destined for failure regardless of all my years of trying to make things work. This is emotionally freeing for me. I no longer have to beat myself up for not trying harder or allow insidious thoughts that I'm not good enough to erode my mind and heart. In the very least, it's another tool in the toolbox to learn and grow from this ordeal so we can build better futures for ourselves.

Hugs to you all,
Kim