I just went through something similar with my daughters graduation. Although I'm 3 years into it...it was still hard to go. Once I got there and I was able to feel my way around...it was fine. I had my moments but mostly I had a good time and I did it for my kids. You should go...this is one of those firsts we talk about on here. Once its over...its over. Hold your head high...put on your happy face even if you dont feel that way...show him your doing just fine without him. You may feel some awkward moments and even the odd desire to punch him in the face but I think those are normal feelings. If you dont feel your ready for that yet...thats okay too...next time...its up to you. Big Hugs...Kathy

I feel like my X is getting away with everything too-being the 'cool' parent while I'm the one who does the day-to-day parenting.
Anyway, can you go with your kids and not be too upset? I know at three months I wouldn't have been able to. As Kathy said, if you can go and hold your head high-show him how strong you are. If you are not ready, don't force it.
Hugs to you-whether or not you go, you are doing great and hanging in there!

I think as this is so early, you need less contact. You need to disconnect from his side a bit. BUT if you do go, prepare yourself for the emotions and feeling that you may have. I do get it, because you want to see him and I went through that, it takes work to not go and not set yourself up for exposure and hurt. You are already hurt you did not get a call. The dynamics of these occasions have changed. What we are all told, is that no matter how close or how good the cousins are.. believe this, life has changed.

Look at it this way.. GO because in your case, until the wheels come off, and you figure out that things are not as you think in divorce, it may help you for the next time. You said you are hurt and emotional. IF you do go, do as Dairy said, put on a fake happy face and do not talk about the divorce. This is his family and believe us, no matter what they are going to if not take sides, your relationship with them has changed.. forever.

I often looked at things like this while I was getting divorced as what does this do or not do for me? Can I handle this? Why do I want to go.. and be honest, it was to see him for me. I then if I did not go, found something to do for me and let it go. Believe this, not showing up shows him you are not pining and mourning him. BIG HUG. and you get to decide in this!

Can your kids go with stbx? I still cannot be in the presence of stbx. I had an event I attended on Sunday where I saw my two brother in laws with their wives for the first time since September. It was hard. I had to walk away a few times. The brothers look very much alike. I sat and talked with the wives and told them everything that's been going on. The brothers walked away. When they were leaving, not one of them asked if I needed anything. I felt like I was just pumped for information. They all know what a cruel mean, selfish person he is. No one wants to get involved - they close their eyes.

My in-laws idolize the sons - they can do no wrong. It's all my fault. The older brother has cheated on various long-term girlfriends - it's never his fault. The girlfriend wasn't fulfilling his needs, so it's okay for the men to do whatever.

With my last setback, I wanted to call the brothers and scream at them and tell them why don't you beat the crap out of your brother, you know how irresponsible he's being. Our son wants nothing to do with his father. Of course, that's my fault - me and other people won't let my son hear his father's side of the story.

I survived the party, but felt betrayed again. I did it for my niece. I wasn't sure if I was going to attend, but I bucked up for my niece. I don't think I want to ever see any of them again - not healthy for me. Not one of them has reached out to me. I told them about my car and how I have no money to get it fixed because of the legal tactics of their brother - not one of them cared.

I miss my nieces and nephews too, but I do what I need to do to keep myself healthy. My nephew, who I;m very close to, got engaged last week. His mother is one of my best friends. That's how I met my stbx. She had kids with his older brother, but never married him. I cried because I knew I won't be able to attend the wedding, because my ex will be there flaunting his latest conquest. I love my nephew very much. My daughter and him are very close, they grew up together. We lived 5 minutes away and they would spend weekends at my house or my best friend's house. He's like a son to me.

If it's too emotional for you to go, don't go. Do what is best for you and your healing. Unfortunately, we're no longer part of their family. It's a hard pill to swallow, but I'm learning to accept it as time goes by. Your kids will understand, just explain it to them. I have always been honest with my kids and they are honest with me. They appreciate that I respect them.

Whoever is still in contact with my stbx, if they are having an event, I explain I cannot attend if stbx will be there. I'm not forcing them to choose, I just tell them my feelings. I understand if stbx needs to be there. I'm not hurt by it, I just accept it.

I think it's too early. It will be a load off of your mind as soon as you make up your mind. My suggestion? Email your SIL (the one who called or another) and inform that you're aware of the get-together, and although you'd love to see everyone and really miss the kids, you think it's best if you 'skipped' this occasion. Send your love and best wishes.

I like the word 'skip' because if doesn't indicate that you or anyone else is 'ending' anything for good.

I think if you go it will be a lot of upset for you and possibly make others uncomforrable too. It's NOT YOUR FAULT if others get uncomfortable, but I think it is only fair to acknowledge that these are 'his' people.

What do you think of that? Your kids will understand..they need to know that things are different now too, and this is one of those first times I guess. I've had a few myself lately!

Best wishes Kelly, and if you do NOT go, make some plans for yourself okay? Don't stay home alone! hug

Kelly, I have been there on many occasions. I am extremely, extremely close with my in-law family. My SILs and I are best friends. I do attend things where he will be there, but it is difficult. Over the last few years, his involvement at family functions has been less and less, and it is much better for me. Two weeks after he left, we went to his nephew's wedding. It was our anniversary the day after as well. I balled my eyes out the entire time. It wasn't worth it. As much as I love my nephew, I should have stayed home, but it was a lot of money and I didn't want to be the bad one. As I have grown, I have learned to ask if he is going to be there, and choose whether or not to attend. His family understands. I do different things with them that do not involve him. Good luck. This is a tough one!

I personally think you can do it. Look your best, tell yourself your the best and be the awesome, cool chick you are. Easy for me to say, as I don't do anything with my ex. We will be at the kids sports events, but he will be awkward and go on the other side of the field.
Unfortunately with the separation and divorce came separation of friends and family. His family has never called or inquired from me how me or the kids are doing. They cut the rope as to keep their son, brother happy I think. My mom was still sending my ex emails before the divorce and they were faith based emails. Emails about being a good person and whats important in the world. He ignored them and his GF made fun of the emails because they were faith based and she is an aetheist. :(
I say If your feeling confident that day then go, and share some laughs with the people who support you. I wouldn't feel comfortable spending time with my ex family in laws, and that's the lack of grace they showed me over the past 2 years.
hugs

(((Kellyb)))

This is a hard decision to make so soon. I'm not sure if I could have done it that soon after our breakup, and I was the one who left. If you think you can do it and you feel it's right, do it. It is one of the firsts, and you are very fortunate that you've been invited.

I wouldn't worry about the fact that the family ran it through your stbx. That's courtesy to him and I hope your family would do the same for you if they wanted to ask him to something.

It's all about finding the smoothest path into the new normal for everyone, and the less tension between all the family members, the better it seems to be all round, particularly for the children.

There'll be a lot of sadness, confusion, hurt, anger, resentment etc for quite a few years. If you can find a way to maintain a line of communication with love and compassion, I think it would be for the best in the long run.

love and hugs
kamary

I am 100% with iammine's response. Do not communicate with your stbx about this event -- take it straight to the sister-in-law. This way, you can tell her YOURSELF and put in or leave out as much "detail" as you would like. If the kids want to go, they can go with their father. I believe it is way too soon for YOU to even think of attending a "family function" and maintain your composure.

Unfortunately, this is just the tip of the iceberg, but it's time to get used to the idea that the extended family dynamic has changed forever.

Plan to do something with a girlfriend or by yourself for the hours the kids will be at the gathering. Don't sit home and weep about it -- you have to take good care of yourself beginning right this minute!

My thoughts and prayers will be with you.

I know I could not of done it, I in fact had to cut my ex mother in law out of my life because hearing about my ex all the time hurt way to much in the beginning. I do have his two brothers , his nephew and sister in law on my FB but we don't chat much, they all think he is really being stupid i think. He doesn't even speak to his family, sad...
I would avoid this function at all costs if i were you, i tend not to do things i know in advanced will hurt or make me uncomfortable..

Hugs

I think I would call sil and let her know that you are happy you are included but may sit this one out and please let you know next time- dont be afraid to call etc. Establish some kind of working relationship with her so she can come right to you. That puts it in your hands as to when you are ready to do the family thing.
Hugs
cheryl

I feel for you. I know this is hard. I was dropped like a hot rock when we separated. I maintained communications with his family and friends when we were married. So it is funny that I was left out immediately. He is the golden child can do no wrong. I was also surprised by the lack of care and concern for me and the kids. Well, not really they aren't very caring people, I know that. It still hurt that I was out here by myself (military) with family or long time friends and there wasn't anyone asking how they could help from his family.

I think you should take care of yourself and not go if it will be hard to fake it through. I skipped going out to dinner with X and inlaws on my daughters High School Graduation. I agonized about it for weeks ahead of time and thought I had no choice but to go. I knew I was still a wreck and couldn't be around him. So I took my daughter to tea before graduation, I told her she could invite grandma. It was a nice time and it was just for her. Later, I felt awful to walk away when my whole family was going to dinner without me. But it was real and true to me. Later my xMiL sent me nasty texts about something I had said to my daughter about staying out of her business now that she is an adult. Supposedly, I said this to her. No, I didn't, but what a nut. I invited her to be nice, and she had a good time, hugged me and thanked me before D took her back to her hotel. I guess she couldn't have any good feelings about me and still be ok with her son. Whatever. Not a loss to me. Fractured family, I hate that this is our family, for our kids. But I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, I just have to live with it.

You can do this, just maybe not now and that is ok. If you do decide to go, drive so you can leave when you need to.

(((((HUGS)))) This is a difficult situation. If you decide not to go, I agree that you should make other plans, so you're not home by yourself that day.
Maybe in the future you will be able to go, so I like what roadtosainthood said about making it clear that missing this event doesn't mean to stop inviting you.
If you do decide to go, I agree with Jamama that you should drive yourself so you can leave anytime you feel you need to.

Kelly, I understand your feelings of still wanting to be a part of your x's family because after so much time together you've come to have your own personal relationships and love for them. This was one of the most difficult things that I have grieved afer my split with my husband of 25 years. I cried A LOT during the Christmas season. He asked me to go to his mother's house for Christmas Eve with the kids, but I quickly declined and told him, "We aren't a family anymore. It is not my place to be there". I still have a good relationship with my in-laws (probably in some ways better than his relationship with them), but there are just some events in life that are too painful and awkward to go through. If it were a wedding, funeral, graduation, etc... I might consider going but not a birhtday party. Maybe in time I will feel differently, but my focus now is to try to break those ties that bind instead of reinforcing bonds that will only lead to more heart-ache and pain. If you are still feeling raw from this break-up, I would skip it and let him take the kids. His family will understand, and you will be taking care of you, which is your number one priority right now.
Hugs,
T.

All good advice. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer. I texted my sil on Friday and asked how the family felt about me and she said "we would love to have you there". I had pretty much made up my mind to go but then I talked to stbx yesterday and I was asking what bdays we had in June, he said they're also doing July so that would include my nephews wife - apparently everyone forgot that I'm July too.

It's very hurtful to me. Everyone's life goes on as normal and it's like I never existed.