Donna, I wish I had the words that worked to help you.
I'm in similar feelings and came here to open a post about my tale of woe.

I saw your title and said "hey that is me" -- no haha there

My analogy for where I'm at is " life is a lot of flights, you sometimes pick the schedule and sometimes the weather or other things change the schedule and or destination,
As my wife and I were landing on the last flight I didn't know that she made solo arrangements for her next flight and for me the plane crashed during the landing,
I'm still in accident site, for a long tune I was just lying there hurt dazed and confused from the impact, eventually I came to and crawled ever so slowly out of the wreckage, note that still in mental fog so how does one think clearly, now I'm pretty much level headed but I stay at the accident site looking fur reasons the plane crashed, and sometimes hoping that my wife is at the crash site either wandering in a fog from which I'd help get wake or looking for me.


ThAt hope is wasted as she had more than a solo ticket , she plans to travel with a scumbag.

I know that there is no why, no deserve, no fairness, no justice, no remorse from her.
Knowing does not equal accepting.
But we don't have a choice.

I have a thought that I trying to work through.
Instead of accepting, I think resignation from my past life is required.
That is not surrender, I'll resign what I thought my life would be and who I'd be to fate.
Not that I'm a victim if fate, bit that I'm a victim at all, I did my best to do what is right in our marriage as a man, friend, lover, partner, husband and father. Whatever failings I had are well below the worse part of for better or worse. I can't help that for my wife she needed me to make her happy, I don't know was and is lacking inside of her thAt she needs to be made happy.

I'm sad for her. A constant need to be made happy means that at your core you are not happy, I'd help anyone in anyway face that as such a void can only be fixed from within.


Anyway back to the resignation ... I guess I need to resign to take another position but for now I don't see one for me. So do I continue to shift through the wreckage or do I just keep breathing, breath to stay alive and breath to let my thoughts wander, if I let them wander long enough they will get tired of the wreckage and new potentialities will seep into my thoughts. I'll let them germinate.

I don't know how long this will take, I m resigned to jetting it take the time it ( it being I) need.

I hope the best for you

I'm not surprised that you are feeling some anxiety. Whenever there is big change during the divorce process, it can cause tremendous anxiety. I remember how nervous I was about buying a new house. It was the first piece of property I had ever purchased by myself--I was terrified! But you know what? The feeling of accomplishment that I got from doing this made up for all the anxiety.

I will offer this advice with much love: While family should be supportive in a time like this, you have to remember that they have lives of their own. They can support you and love you, but cannot become your life. Perhaps this is a good time to start building new friendships with single folks. Check out meetup.com and other sites where you can join people who share your interests and make some new friends. While you can still have a good relationship with your family, you do need friendships and activities of your own.

Stay strong. Hang in there. There is a good life after divorce.

Big hugs!!!!

Oh, Donna. I'm so sorry. I can truly empathize with what you are saying. I had been feeling very strong and felt that I was pretty much over my ex. Then, things with my daughter brought up a lot of pain and fear, as you know. Last night, I went out with a man I've seen once before. We had a good time. I kissed him goodnight, then proceeded to cry all the way home. All I could think of was how much I missed my ex. I know some of it is the familiarity. When you are comfortable with someone, even if they aren't good for you, you crave that comfort. The more I cried, the more angry I got with myself for crying. When I got home, I sat down and took several deep breaths and tried to recenter myself. I've felt these feelings before, many times. You will too, and sometimes when you least expect to. But, you just keep picking yourself back up and marching forward. I think that it's important to remember that love does not die. Love is the strongest force in existence. You can and will love people, even if they are not meant to be a part of your life. Your heart will continue to love your ex, just as mine does for my ex. That's okay. Being a loving person, even toward someone who does not deserve the love at present, just shows that you still use your heart. We live in a world where so many people have closed their hearts. Keep yours open, and wonderful things will begin to happen for you. Hey, I kissed a cute guy last night!!! Miracles do happen!

I'm very proud of you that you are taking big steps for yourself in moving and getting your own place. I do think that will be a good thing. It will be scary and lonely at first. I know all too well. But, after a while, you grow to enjoy having your own space and the ability to do what you want when you want. It's very freeing. I wish you great happiness in your new home. Make it your own. I went out and bought all furniture that I liked in a style my ex hated. :) I love it! Decorate with things you love. Create spaces that make you feel happy and comfortable.

I've been doing a TON of meditation and positive affirmations. They really do help. Sometimes, I feel like a lunatic repeating things over and over to myself. But, there's a scientific reason to keep doing it. It retrains your brain to think more positively. I have noticed that I can bounce back quicker now than I did before. So, it's working. Perhaps it might work for you, too. Maybe you've already tried it.

Sending you hugs and love,
Kim

Awww honey - I'm so sorry that you are feeling this - but it happens - will happen for a long time I'm afraid. You'll get through it. It does seem so overwhelming doesn't it? Just think how you'd feel if your ex, was off with his new swinger mate, off on cruises with their swinger friends. Swinging their brains out LOL....

Who knows, maybe that would make it easier for you. This is all going to take a lot of time. I know you miss him, but you really don't. What you miss is what you "thought" the relationship was - not the reality of it. It was all an illusion.

Someone once said - "Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you". That rings very simple and very true. Although sometimes the simplest of things are sometimes the most difficult aren't they?

I understand exactly what you are feeling. Loss, grief, abandonment - all of those things that happen to us through divorce. It does get better, but there will be times when you are having lows. It's just part of the ride.

You are doing fine - just keep putting one foot in front of the other honey - and come here - where people understand and will always be there to talk to. I was on here for 2 1/2 years non stop!!! Now I come on maybe 1-2 times a week. That's progress :) You'll get there.

I completely understand. The fear of the unknown and of severe change can be paralyzing. But....women do it all the time....YOU CAN TOO!!!!!

I like what Kim says "Love doesn't die". If you are religious, remember that the bible says "love never fails". So in that light, YOU did not fail and YOUR love for your husband isn't tainted. He failed. He killed his love for you. That doesn't define you. It defines him.

It's ok to love the memories. It's ok to still feel love for him, the man you knew him as. But he is no longer that man. So its also ok to NOT love this new man.

Sometimes, in a twisted way, it helps me to think of my ex as dead. If he had died, I wouldn't have such a hard time loving the good memories or moving on. Having them leave us without that closure is like getting stuck in a quicksand. You have to change your position in order to free yourself. :) <3

Sorry for your pain, Donna. No way around it unfortunately, just through it, and it takes a long time. Incrementally, though, things do get better. When my husband left me after a 30 year marriage, I'd never lived alone and I was terrified. Smart professional middle-aged woman, but there I was, terrified of living alone. It was difficult at first largely because it hit me like a truck. One minute I was living with a man who I loved and I thought we were happy, and then, one evening, when I asked him if he would take the cat to the vet the next day, he said no, because he was leaving. He already had his bags packed, and off he went. So living alone was a very abrupt transition and it was difficult. Two years later, I still miss the stbx, but living alone has lost its terror. In fact, there are many times that I enjoy the freedom it gives me to live how I like.
Do you have any pets? My two cats and my dog help keep loneliness at bay. If you don't have a pet, think about whether it might help. Also, try to prepare proactively for the experience of living alone, and don't be afraid to ask friends and family to help you by coming over to visit frequently. When you go out yourself, leave some lights on and even the TV - that helped me a lot at the beginning. ( I still put theTV on when I come in, even if I have no interest in watching it!). Also, the first time I went on vacation, I was filed with dread at the thought of coming home to an empty house, so I told a friend, and she offered to be at my house waiting for me! Other things that helped- I made sure I had flowers in the house and scented candles, so that I felt pampered in my home and that even alone, I was good enough to have nice things and a welcoming environment. Also, if like me you have no idea how to do anything practical to fix things, get the number of a good handyman you can call when you need help. ( I'm surprised to find now that there are many things I can actually do myself! )
I hope this helps. Really, if I can live alone, anyone can, I was such a scaredy-cat! You will be OK, really you will.
Big hugs,

I'm having computer problems and using my cellphone. To reply .
it's hard to type, so ill be breif. Items ok and expected to get down
Again here and there.............just don't stay there. Heck I've. Been
Going through this kind of Feelings for 7 her now. I'm souse to these. Down feelings
I sit there........ ...go through. My sadness. Ritual and say....ok
I'm. I done yet !!!!!! . I know that it's just an emotional thing. That I'm
Experiencing and that it will end..........
so my dear friend, go ahead and feel bad for a (short)
While............ it's. Ok........



You'll

God bless you .....Bob

Wish I had words of wisdom for you-hope you feel better

Honey, you are being so hard on yourself. Step back and breath. It has not even been a year. During the first year I, too wished that I could go back and be with him. The life he is living now is of his own making. You are not resposible for him. They are responsible for their own happiness and life. It takes one year for every 5 years of marriage to really move forward. I cried so much that the Kleenex factory could not keep up production. I could have moved back home, looking back now. I am glad that I did not. I needed my peace and quiet. You are not really alone. You have yourself and that is more than enough at times. I wish there was a magic pill or a wand that we could use to fast forward all that pain and anxiety. I am doing great now. Bought my second condo and anxiously waiting for my retirement. You will be fine. hugs

Donna, sorry to sound like a broken record, but this IS normal. Like someone else wrote here...there is no way around it...you got to go through it. You will reach the other side. I think our EX is trying to gain sympathy with your daughter. I feel sorry for her because like you said, she has her hands full and now has him moaning to her and she can't do anything about it. When you have your own space it will be better and maybe you can have the grand-kids over without their mom.

Like MsTerey says, Now is not forever

Hugs...I sooo understand where you are at. This little house I'm in now is the first house I ever bought on my own...I too was terrified and had no idea of how I was going to do all the reno's on this fixer upper...but I'm doing it and oh my gosh it feels so good. I proved to myself I am not a victim of my ex's choices...I've actually turned his decisions into my own. Trust yourself Donna...you are so much stronger than you feel...even though you cant see it...you are forging ahead and that takes strength and persistence...you truly do have it going on!

In the beginning I did the same thing Kim is doing...actually...I still do it...positive affirmations. It helps shift your thinking. Even though you cant see it and maybe cant feel it...it will work.

Another thing I did to help lift myself out of those dark days is...I made myself smile even though I was sad...there were times where I could not muster it up so I put a new pencil sideways in my mouth which forces you to fake a smile...studies have shown...when you smile your brain releases feel good hormones...your brain does not recognize whether it is fake or not...so on those bad days...put a pencil in your mouth several times a day for a minimum of 15 minutes...you will feel the shift.

Another really good trick to lift your spirits is to blow bubbles...you know those bubble kits we bought our kids when they were small? Ya....get yourself one...the bigger the bubbles the better. Studies have also shown that blowing bubbles makes you breath deep and blow out hard...it relieves stress. Another side effect is you see the beauty of the bubbles so you feel good...also...the bubbles have rainbows...so the feeling of wonder happens...and they float away into the air along with your troubles temporarily! Do it!

As far as your ex is concerned...I gave myself permission to love my ex forever if I needed to. He may of had control of the direction our marriage went in but he has no control over my emotions...they are mine not his. Besides..for me...I would much rather have love in my heart than anger and hate. Its ok to still feel love for your ex...you just cant act on it...Big Hugs...Kathy

Donna, I'm coming in late and so I'm just going to write without reading any other posts.

I know the prospect of living alone is really scary. I was afraid as well. Very shortly after I moved out into a rental home, I had to move in with my daughter and her DH and new baby because she had to have a sudden operation. I lived with them for 6 weeks, and by the end of the 6 weeks, it was obvious they wanted to be on their own. Unbeknownst to me, my ex had been telling them lies about things I'd said about him - using parental alienation to get me out of his and their lives. It worked, and I had no idea what was going on. Suddenly, I was cut off by both of my daughters, even though I'd been living with one of them and had not badmouthed my ex the whole time.

I'm here to tell you that the process of buying and establishing your own home will give you self-confidence. Time spent on your own, working out who you are and who you want to be, will bring you a self-awareness which will lift your self-esteem. That time on your own will also be a welcome relief after the busyness of a house with twins and a toddler, while you worked full-time and also tried to deal with the early days of separation and divorce.

I also wanted to return to the old comfortable unhappiness that was my marriage - a number of times - usually when the going got tough. Every time I got like that, something would happen to remind me that I really didn't want to live with him again, and so it got easier to accept my new life, let the old one go, and make the best of the new life. I had a list I could refer to if I 'forgot' what it was really like, too.

Change is usually a bit of a struggle. Sometimes it's a big struggle. You'll be so proud of yourself once you've made the move and settled in.

The loneliness prospect is also daunting, and I reckon the best thing you can do to counteract loneliness is to learn to like yourself. Discover what you like to do, your favourite music, your favourite foods, what you think about the price of eggs in China etc etc. Make contact with your new neighbours wherever you move to. Call old neighbours and arrange to visit. Call old friends and ask them to a movie or a coffee. Start doing things you enjoy like playing a sport or join Red Hats.

It'll be hard at first and very scary, but you'll be ok.

love and hugs
kamary

I am so sorry but I understand what you are going through. I think I have it together one day and the next I'm falling apart. Mine gave me the final I'm not coming back and I don't want you anymore today at the therapists. I think I knew that was going to happen. So my rollercoaster ride just got crazier and I know I have some hard times coming for sure. Nothing really helps, but I have learned to try not to feel guilty when I have setbacks. That was really getting me down when he first left, why I couldn't keep my emotions together. Forgive yourself for the lapses. They are going to happen. Sometimes not so often, and sometimes way more than you want. I'm told it will get better and I'm hanging on to that - like a lifeline.

Thanks to all of you who have provided me with so much love and support. I have wanted to reply back earlier but I have been so depressed (to the point of thinking today that I don’t feel like trying to live like this is worth it but I would never hurt myself). I am also overwhelmed and busy at work and helping my daughter with her babies and son. I will continue to trust the process as you agree that it does improve eventually. My sister is divorced over 11 years and never felt bad or had any regrets. She is as happy as a clam so she really doesn't understand what I am going through and really does not have much patience to listen to me. She feels that I should consider this the best thing that ever happened in my life and have fun! Her whole life has always been about having fun. Maybe I could feel a little bit of that attitude someday. Maybe she is so ok because she wanted it for years whereas most of us were the ones who were left. But she denies this and says it is all about attitude.

I want to thank each one of you individually:

Broken- I am so sorry that you are suffering so much and share so many of my painful feelings. Your plan to resign yourself to this situation is part of acceptance and so you are moving toward healing. I hear it in your tone of writing that you are still so very angry. Do you talk to a counselor? I plan to keep going especially since both of my divorce support groups have ended this week. It really helps me. Thanks for your best wishes and I wish you all the best as well.

Hurtin’ – Thanks for your advice to understand that my family has lives of their own. I know that intellectually but I am so codependent and need to work on that in myself. I can’t deny that my sister hurt me when she said she would rather live with her friend because we are not that close and have a strained relationship which I plan on working on. I am trying to make new friends and attend some meetup groups.

Kim – Glad you had some fun and went out on some dates. Keep us posted about how that goes :)

Thanks for writing that you are proud of me moving into my own place. I truly value your opinions. I thought about trying meditation and positive affirmations but have been having a hard time getting started. I will try thinking about it in the summer when I am off from school and have more free time. I am also taking an online course to teach science online to supplement my income.

KRK – What you wrote about “Why would anyone want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you”? is absolutely true but very hard to accept. I am glad that you understand that because I can’t get over the fact that my husband (who I thought loved me the most in the entire world) stopped loving me but I still love him. I cry more now the past 2 months than I did the first 6 months. Not happy you did too but it helps me know I am “normal” even though I don’t feel that way many times.

Timeman – my dear friend – thank you for always being there. God bless you too.

Lori – I hope you enjoy your time back home and things go well. Thanks for your support especially since you have so much of your own things to think about.

Knuckle – You are so strong and I love reading your wisdom. Thanks for reiterating that it takes time and that you also cried a lot. I guess we can cry a lot and still be strong :)

Misred – You are not a “broken record”. I need your words because sometimes I am resistant and need to hear things over and over again. I appreciate you saying that what I am feeling is normal.

Kathy (Dairytech) – Thanks for your always great insight. I do try to appear positive and cheerful most of time even when it is hard but I will be more mindful of this now. A coworker told me on Friday that he noticed that I had changed for the better and appeared more calm and cheerful. Some days it is a real struggle with anxiety and trembling inside my body.

Psi Chi – You have seemed to greatly move in the direction of acceptance. Your progress is amazing. I agree wholeheartedly that it would be easier if my husband had died because I could move on better. I have written that before. I wish I never knew that he stopped loving me – that is the major factor in my pain and struggle to rebuild my life.

Sarahleah- Thanks for encouraging me that it will be ok living alone. Loneliness is my biggest fear in life and ALWAYS has been. My entire family (including him) has always known this about me. I have said all of my life that I would rather have a terminal disease than be lonely. But I will get my 2 dogs (Shih tzus) back from my husband now that I have my own place next month. It has been 8 months since I saw them and I love them so very much. They are very old (13 & 14) and I dread the day they leave me again for good. I never wanted to leave them with him but I had no choice – too long of a story – but now he is willing to give them back to me because they are a lot of work for him since he says he works all the time and has to come home from work to let them out when he has long hours.

Terrijw – I feel so much empathy for you since you are also in such fresh pain. I agree with you that the roller-coaster is a terrible thing. I am also trying to hang onto the fact that it will get better but I know the pain may never completely go away. I hope you move along as quickly as it is possible in this process.

Kate (kamary) – You are one of the sweetest people I “know”. It is a pleasure reading your posts. What you say about loving yourself and your own company is so true but my problem is just that and I am trying to fix that (along with a million other goals) :) I am trying to make new friends since I am in a brand new city but it is not easy because everyone has their own life or if I do meet someone I connect with it seems that they live about 1 – 1 ½ hours away so it is hard to get together. I will keep reaching out to others and try to love myself more. Thanks for always being a positive influence on me!

I hope I didn’t leave anyone out. I just really wanted to thank you all for taking your time to help me and others on this site.
Have a wonderful rest-of-the-weekend.
Love and hugs,
Donna