I am grateful that this past week I had my son and my daughter together for the first time in 3 years. It's been 3 years since that dreadful Mother's Day when my ex announced to me that we were separating. In that time, we've been divorced, he married the OW, and has now celebrated their first anniversary. My son, now 22, llives in CO near his father. I am in MO, midway between him and my daughter. I see my daughter fairly often. I usually only see my son once a year. I am lucky that I got to have him twice in the last 7 months.

We had some laughs though at times it felt awkward and strange. We used to laugh and cut up together. It used to feel so natural and happy. Those days are gone, I fear. I did get to spend a lot of time talking with my son. He's feeling very alone and struggling to make his way in the world. It certainly doesn't help that his father does nothing to help him when he needs it. While he may be 22, and a man in the eyes of the world, he's still very young inside and scared. He got thrown out into the world sooner than he was ready because of his father's affair and the destruction of our family. Now, he tells me that he's never going to get married, that marriage is a ridiculous institution. He then said, "nobody should have to be shackled to another person for the rest of their life." I know exactly where that comes from. I recognize his father's poison tongue when I hear it. This isn't the first time he's said something like this. He's told me a few times that if a marriage isn't working it's okay to walk away and do what you want. My sweet boy, who used to climb in my lap and tell me how much he loves me, has drank his father's toxic Koolaid. He's angry and bitter and seems to direct his anger more at me than at his father, even still. He bit my head off a few times for silly things. Now, to be fair, he's always done this. But, I thought he had turned a corner and gotten better. Now, I see that he's right back where he was before. At least he does recognize it and is taking some steps to work on it. So there's hope.

After I put him on the plane, I cried all the way home. I was so angry at my ex for what he did to our children and to our family. I haven't wailed in anger and sadness like that in quite a while. It didn't escape my notice that my ex is a hypocrite. On one hand, he's justifying what he did by saying he shouldn't have to stay in a marriage if he's unhappy - something he never said to me until the day he threw me out of our home in front of our children. Yet, he didn't waste any time marrying the OW and is now prancing around town showing her off and telling his children how wonderful life is now that he's with her. It makes my daughter sick how often he says stuff like that to her. My son doesn't say much about the OW. Thankfully, he usually only mentions how he had dinner with his father and doesn't mention HER, though I know she's there each time. I think he does that to spare my feelings. He did seem concerned for me when I shared some of my dating stories and showed me ways to protect myself.

Bottom line, I think my son is torn. He deeply admired his father and believed he was a good man. Then, all hell broke loose and he's conflicted. When I start to get close to my son, my ex starts up the toxic engine again and my son pulls away. My ex got what he wanted. He has her. He's rid of me. Why does he still keep spreading his poison? I guess it's not enough that he took away our family, which mattered most to me in the world.

I hate that my family is broken and will never be as it was again. I hate that my son doesn't believe in marriage and sees it as a burden, a prison, or worse. I hate that having my son and daugther together is so rare and awkward now. Divorce is such an insidious monster. It chews up all that is sacred and good and spits out torn and tattered pieces that we are left to put back together. Meanwhile, the persons responsible for the destruction move on with not a care or thought about what they have done. My mother keeps saying to me that Karma is a bitch. I can't wait for her to visit my ex and teach him a few lessons.

In the meantime, I have to pick up the pieces, lovingly hold them together, pray for peace and guidance, and keep moving forward, one day at a time.