Financially you will be better off settling with her before the courts get involved. I just finished my divorce but we have kids. If she is having the affair then you can dictate the terms of the divorce. Just sayin'.

movingon - yes I agree. We've talked about the divorce in the past, and if I can keep my head, we'll be ok. Neither of us wants it to go to court. She does not want spousal support (HOPE that doesn't change). No kids to fight over. I'm hoping it goes quick. The lawyer I talked to thought it should be pretty straight forward if she doesn't fight. I basically come up with a settlement offer, she can tweak if she wants, and then we're done. Looks good on paper - we'll see how it plays out.
The ol' stress meter is pegged now....

I had my mom meet me when I met with a lawyer. Glad I did because I cried and cried. It was almost surreal and it brought back the sock of it all. But I knew I had to do it. I hope you two can hash out a settlement.

As hard as this is to get your head around...the OM does not have any power over her...this is her choice...her decision...her fantasy...eventually her downfall. No one is breaking her arm so try your best not to blame the OM...its a waist of energy...place the blame squarely on your ex's shoulder. She is not doing anything she does not want to do...Big Hugs...Kathy

Just Duci:
I feel for you. It took me 9 long months to finally get so angry with the assclown's behavior and actually file for divorce. But at that point I was absolutely SO DONE with his b.s. and couldn't wait for things to be over.

While I feel you have reached the point of acceptance, you still are letting her well-being tug at your heartstrings. I feel for you. Divorce after a long-term marriage is tough -- I know it's the toughest thing I ever had to deal with in my life so far. But she seems to have made it pretty clear that she doesn't want to reconcile with you. Yes, it's a shame, but she wanted this. She will also have to live with the CONSEQUENCES of her actions and her decisions. I hope you can stop fretting about HER and put your focus on YOURSELF where it belongs!

Follow this link and EDUCATE YOURSELF on divorce law in your state BEFORE you go to the attorney. He/she will appreciate your preparation and answer any detailed questions you may have.

http://www.divorcesource.com/ds/minnesota/minnesota-alimony-4835.shtml

I'm hoping this goes well for you and doesn't turn into the battle of wills that I had with my runaway husband. And appreciate the fact that you live in an Equitable Distribution State and not a community property 50/50 one.

As far as that you wrote " She does not want spousal support (HOPE that doesn't change)." what they SAY and what they end up doing can be completely different. The information in that link I posted above will answer some of your initial questions about whether or not you would be ordered to pay spousal support IF you two can't work out an agreement between the two of you.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Thanks for the replies. My head is still spinning over this whole deal...
I understand what you're saying about letting her go, and I'm trying like hell to do that. But I do have a lot of blame for the OM. We have mutual friends, and he had made a comment (I believe before any of this happened) that all of the women he meets are married, but he's going to get one of them yet... (or words to that effect) So I believe he orchestrated the whole things, and my wife is a bit on the naive side (OK - REALLY naive), so she fell for his lines. Don't get me wrong, she's definitely a willing participant, and does not get a pass on this. But he had to be pretty crafty for her to do a 180 like this- abandon her sense of values and morals and throw caution to the wind. That is SO not her. But you're right - she made the choices to go down this path (and continue down it). There is no way I could have seen this coming, or done anything to stop it (IMO) - so I just have to come to grips with it. I just hope we can play nice though this so I don't get taken to the cleaners. If we can settle pretty much 50/50 with no spousal support, I'd be ok with that. It would be fair considering what she brought to the marriage, and what I had for income for most of these years. Here's hoping!

JustDuci- we do live in an 'equitable distribution' state (thanks Cowgirl!). You need to tell your attorney about any 'cheating.' Anything spent on 'non-marital' cheating can be reimbursed. When I found out (from my SON!) about my stbx' 'secret phone line,' you bet your ass I will be asking for reimbursement for that! Not to mention the fact that it opened the door to all his little Vegas vacations without me. He needs to pay me back for that shit too. The bad thing is - we live in a "No Fault state." Therefore we cannot SUE the home wrecker. But that doesn't mean we can't SUE our spouse!

So you've launched off the ledge, Duci? Straight onto the slippery slope? Good on you, mate. I don't know much about the legal side of things, especially over there, so I'll just wish you all the best.

love and hugs
kamary

When I brought up the infidelity to my lawyer she said don't bother. The courts had heard everything before, unless it was something outrageously unique it's not worth bringing up. I suggest you channel your energy in getting a fair settlement for your life post divorce. Yes, it's not fair...but it appears that everyone's "doing it" so the odds at getting sympathy from someone other than us here; and helping your case are slim. It will only aggravate your emotions over it. ((((HUGS))))

Changeforbetter:
Just to clarify something you wrote -- you refer to suing the homewrecker. That can only happen in states that still recognize the "Alienation of Affection" law (very damned few). It has nothing to do with Fault or No-Fault and I am yet to come across anyone who actually pursued the Alienation of Affection thing. Trust me, though, if Maryland still had that law on the books I would have sued Sausage Patty for everything she was worth. She didn't have much, though, because when her X divorced her for cheating some 6 years earlier, she got just about nothing.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I divorced last year after 23 years of marriage. It was quite unimaginable. I wanted to add a comment here because you mention how difficult these days are. The actual filing for divorce. You have to do it to protect yourself, but you don't want this to be happening. It is gut wrenching and ever so emotional.

Now, it has been two years since I filed and the day of actually meeting with the lawyer still stands out as traumatic. I mean.... trauma! Something that I have to address in therapy. It is one of the toughest parts of this whole awful thing. I say this to encourage you that recovery is a long road but you will get there. This will pass. Take good care of yourself. Ask yourself what you need right now and do your best to provide that for yourself.

Hugs

My ex and I had no lawyers. I drafted an agreement outlining how we'd split everything (kids were over 18), and he agreed. Then we filled out all the paperwork ourselves - which took time but wasn't all that daunting. Our divorce cost us $120 or something like that. I am relieved that we didn't have to go to court over and over and give money to lawyers. I realize this is rare, but not out of the question at all.

Good luck.

And away we go.....
We'll the ball is officially in motion - well kind of. Met with the shark, and that went pretty well. She agreed that based on what I told of her our situation, we should be able to wrap this up pretty quickly and (hopefully) fairly inexpensive - relatively speaking. Obviously the bulk of the work is on us to come up with a list of assets and debts and decide how to split the personal property and the house. The stbx and I talked about that again a bit this week, and I still don't see any major issues there. She just wants out, doesn't want to drag it out any longer than necessary, and there is very little stuff she actually wants. And she's sticking to the no spousal support, so here's hoping.
I'm going to look into doing this without the lawyer like cmonge did. Would be nice to save the money.
But now the roller coaster is in full swing. After the meeting with the lawyer, I was actually in a really good mood, as was for most of the day. Today the reality is hitting me again, and I'm zooming DOWN the rails again. The sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, the pain in my chest, the sadness for what's been lost... That's all back again. I know it's only temporary, but it still hurts like hell. But it's hockey night tonight, maybe I can take out some of this aggression...

Hockey sounds like a great distraction. Who can think or be sad when you're moving at that pace? But, I hate to say it, you still have a lot more "downs" coming. :( There is just no way around that. hugs.

I'm so very sorry that you are going through this. I know it hurts, I wish I could find words to comfort you, but I think hockey is a good thing to help with the stress. Just don't beat up too much on your team mates.