Divorcecare says that it takes 1 year for every 4 years you were married to recover from the divorce. I can I do wish my son and his family didn't have to deal with a divorced situation of holidays, not saying things, etc. But as for me, I am not sad anymore. My life was sad the last 10 years I was married to him and horrible the last 4 years. So, I feel such relief sometimes that I am almost giddy. I have worked REALLY REALLY hard with counseling, reading, getting new interests, remarried, and continuing to take classes to improve my knowledge and expand my horizons. It has paid off but it wasn't easy.

I had to work through my codependence, not just in my marriage, but also my life. I am a giver (as most of us that get left usually are) and so at the end of my marriage, I was giving too much of myself away. So, I had to work through what caused me to do that. But it was such a relief to get answers and work through the process. One of the biggest gifts I gave myself was reading and continuing to reread "The Language of Letting Go". It continues to be a beacon of light for me to strive to forgive, let go, improve, be empathetic, etc. Love that book.

The thing my counselor told me that was kind of the "aha" moment towards my climb out was that while I had worked through a lot of stuff, I hadn't grieved "the loss of the dream". Once I did that and worked through that (after 32 years it was a lot of work) it was the catapult towards a new life.

Big hugs

Thank you all for your words of heartfelt, honest, and hard-won wisdom. I find myself relating in some way to each post here. I have reached a point where I think I may be approaching being ready to join a support group :-) but the Divorce Care groups in my area are breaking for the summer. Just as well... when they start back in August maybe I will be well and truly ready. I have plenty of work to do on my own until then!

Julie, I just started divorcecare and I'm two years out. I knew it was out there and I did get their daily emails early on, just not ready for the class. One day while searching once again for self help Articles, I saw that the classes were starting and I signed up. I have to say the class is really helpful so even if you feel well by Aug, it won't hurt a bit to take them. I have learned lots and they have brought up much needed emotions. Its nice to be among folks who are dealing with the same things that I am.

I'm almost 8 years out from separation after 39 years together. I still have occasional bouts of sadness but they don't last long. It does get easier. You come to your own understanding of what happened and why. Best of all, you come to understand that this is how it's meant to be and you come to know that you are ok, you will be ok , and you can be there for yourself through anything. For me, I lean on God and the Angels and they do not fail me. If I am totally honest, I am glad I am no longer living as I lived for so many years of unhappiness and confusion, putting up with things because of false hope and a sense of commitment he did not share.

Boydie I'm sorry you continue to struggle. I hope you find your way clear. The feeling of freedom after you let it all go is so peaceful. It's worth doing the work whether through a support group or a counsellor or psychologist. My heart and prayers go out to you.

Also all the best to all who are healing.

Love and hugs
kamary

5 years in now and I am not sad anymore

Do I have moments when I see a happy couple or even worse a happy family. Yes I do

But I think those thoughts are no different than when I was married and at times I would look at other families and this wow why don't I have that.

The sadness for me ended somewhere in year three. Now do I wish I was married, I do wish I had someone

But I also know that it isn't for me at this moment. My kids are teens and it would be hard to meet someone and have it go smoothly

I tell my kids that the minute they leave for college, I will be out there and they better be ready to meet a man in my life.

I do struggle with being a single mom since their dad dropped out of the picture. I miss my free weekends.
I get tired of doing it "all"

Just this week sons tutor told me how great a job I am doing. She didn't realize that dad is not helping in anyway. I am the cook, cleaner, taxi, soccer coach, drain cleaner, lawn cutter, snow shoveler, dentist, doctor, school, homework, tryouts, games, practices, tournaments, hotel booker etc.

I do get sad when I just really need to be alone, somedays I just want someone to take the kids for a day or an afternoon. But they are mine and I have to do it all

For me, it took awhile to realize for myself this causes emotional dilemma and effects my relations with those who "do have". When you are being cognizant of your girlfriends having procession of family, their "having" is not the problem. You might can say, you are mentally confirming that it is YOUR EX who did not share the same sediment or might not have shared nearly the same intensity of the importance of having family unit.

We do have to be careful as to not displace THE EX'S lack of sediment to cause our "envy" of someone else's having the blessings of family...hence our supposed sadness. Because our thoughts can be tricky, be careful and be aware of it. This is really not about you....!!!!!

Don't know if I'll ever stop being sad about the death of my marriage. That doesn't mean I'm stuck in the same place, not growing, not learning and doing more, new things, going new places, living my new life, just that it was sad that it died.
My daughter would have been 20 last year and I'm still sad that she's gone.
I grieve, I live, I mourn, I move through it and get on with getting on. I'm not there all the time.
It's part of me, but not all of me.

toby has a really good point...one that is easy to forget.

Been thinking about julie how are you doing?

Many on here have Walked the same path, did
we really know what Was brewing in their heads?

Now after finally detaching with 10 months of
No contact under my belt, i am seeing clearer
And much more. He hid himself from me what
Was really going on. Denial or dishonesty i am
not sure A little of both maybe.

This is a long hard Road. I still ride the emotional
roller coaster daily.

In support of you

(((((( julie))))