Are you in therapy? Or a 12 step program?
I think i would be insane about now without
Them and divorce care. My mental state is
Not super strong.

My ex became toxic at the end but it had been
Brewing since 2003. I should have left then and
I knew that. I considered a woman shelter because
I was not working. How i wished i had chosen Me
instead of getting beaten down mentally, emotionally
And morally. This man was not the man i thought i
Married. He was a controlling checked out spouse
in every way possible With poor coping skills.

Do what you can to help yourself, i have not had to
See my ex in 10 months. Not looking forward to it, i
Also am grateful now we did not have any children
For just what you are going thru, family gatherings.

Sending you a big hug

(((( jljl))))

Do you have a therapist? I'm asking, because it would be great if you could sit with someone who knows you fairly well & come up with a plan to make it through the wedding. I know it must be very important to you not to react to your ex in a way that will pressure your daughter & make her special day unpleasant too, which just adds more stress to the situation I know.

I don't personally know what to suggest about getting through the wedding itself, but I do know that having an after care plan in place is going to be vital too. Figuring out how you are going to deal with the feelings that will come in the hours & days after the event so that you are feeling safe is important. You are probably going to have to do some shutting down so you don't rip his head off at the wedding, that kind of thing is sometimes necessary, but there are aftershocks once you're out of the situation. I would want good food, a clean home, a comfortable bed, & some good movies waiting for me afterwards....you probably know what your go-to comforts are, make sure they are handy. Maybe even a number for a crisis line, or set up a time to talk with a trusted friend after so you can let some of it out.

Congratulations to your daughter. Blessings on her and her fiancé.

I agree with the others, working with a good therapist to develop a plan to stay safe and sane through this all is your best bet if you plan to attend.

You certainly have the option of not attending, but would your daughter understand it to be a healthy thing and support you? It seems to me that not attending her wedding is giving your ex even more power over you. I understand a little about PTSD, but if you attend, with a plan, stay polite and distant from the ex, loving to your daughter and family, you will be taking your power back, instead of basing your actions on what he may or may not do. This isn't about him, it's about you.

I don't think we can "shove our emotions back" for any amount of time and still move forward. Working through them so you can behave genuinely, can heal, can be who you are around your daughter would be a much better option in my opinion. I know it's not going to be easy. I believe it will be worth it, for her and for you. Best of health and healing my friend.

Sweetie, I do not think you left anything out, If I remember, I will let you know. Hon, you know that he loves to push your buttons. When my son got married, just months after the divorce was finalized, and I saw him for the first time. I made sure that he saw me smiling laughing and having a great time. One song my son played for me "I will survive" by Donna Summers. He just stood there, angry and just about to blow a gasket too. On the receiving line, he was at the end with his mother and I stood next to my son. My son and daughter in law wanted me there. Anyway, you do not owe him anything. Hold that head up high and smile. When he does approaches you, smile turn around and walk away. That will burn him up more than anything you can say. I was at my granddaughter 2nd birthday and I did the same thing, smiled, turned around and walked away. Maybe I should nominate you for an Oscar in "I cannot believe that I did that" category. Hon, there is nothing you can do to make him grow up, that is up to him. You cannot control his mindset, but you can control your reaction to him. Hugs my friend, you will be fine.

You described my ex very well. Once my therapist explained the ex is a Narcissist that explained everything and I left. A good therapist can help you thru this before and after the wedding.

I don't see how you can not go to your daughter's wedding. That is your incentive to go, mask your dislike of the toad with a polite smile on your face. You can do this for your daughter. Then you can go home and yell to the walls what you really think of that awful toad of a man.

I was thinking about how i would act.

I learned to use a dead look/ poker face
when i looked at him during seperation
and divorce. He always Stayed 10 feet
from me and he made sure He was not
alone near me. We coshared the property.

I have a hard job envisioning my reaction
When i do see him now after 10 months
Of no contact. I hope i behave And act
mature. I still harbor alot of anger And still
some underlying rage.

Hugs for you, i hope you do have a good
Therapist this is to hard to do alone

Yes. I have a psychiatrist. But while he might have book knowledge, the people here have the experienced (been there done that) knowledge.
Thank you all. I am going to try so hard to go. I missed her BRN graduation because of him. I can't miss her wedding. If I cry, people will think they are tears of happiness for my daughter at least.
And I promise not to pass out leaflets describing how he hit his daughter, was an awful father, spent her entire college funds etc.
That's a start!
Janis

Whens the wedding?

Have you done any of those specal
treatments?

I havent just plain old therapist talking

I have a great way of avoiding the abuse
Issue. She lets me lead there when i am
Ready. We discuss it she just does not
Push it.

My ex was not always abusive so my
Reality got very really screwed up.
Detaching and no contact have been
very Healing. Just not ready to see him
Either it would set me back.

((((( hugs )))))

Your ex sounds like a real psychopath! You are SO lucky to be away from him. Calm down. His actions don't define you and he can never ever manipulate you again. Tell yourself that. He can NEVER manipulate you again. He won't. You are a lucky lucky lady to be rid of him.

I'm sure your daughter will work with you to provide you the space you need to have physical distance at the wedding. Like atpeacemary said, you can be at the other end of 'the line' from him. Sit at another table. My advice would be to not even have a hard look at him. Avert your eyes and concentrate on being with and around the many people who will be there whom you love and who love you. Don't forget that part! Yes, it will be your daughters day, but in large part the mother of the bride also shines that day. You created this lovely young woman who is starting a life, and maybe a family, on her own now. That is very special.

You will be surrounded by love. Let your heart sing that day. While you are planning, always focus on all of the good elements. And have someone be by your side for most of the big day...a 'wing woman' as it were. So you will never worry about being alone and having to look at him or be near him.

It will work out fine. I imagine I'lll face this one day too as well, and believe me, I don't relish the idea either!

Congratulations on your daughters impending nuptials. Love and marriage is a beautiful thing - witht he right two people. We don't get to say THAT on this forum very often lol! hugs of support

My daughter got married a year ago and I was very anxious about getting through the day with my ex there. I was seeing a counselor at the time so we used a few sessions on coping strategies that included a lot of visualization techniques. We went through possible scenarios and how I could respond in a positive/constructive way. That helped. i told myself that this was my daughter's wedding day and I was going to do my best to make it a joyous and special day for all concerned. I am happy to report that most of my fears for that day did not come to be. It was a very joyous celebration and I felt at peace. Yes, there was a twinge of sadness that her dad and I were divorced for this momentous occasion of our child, but overall I had fun. My ex and I were cordial, but we each spent most of the time with our own set of family/friends.

Have you heard of or tried EMDR therapy? It has been found to be very effective for treating PTSD. If you haven't, I strongly encourage you to consider it. The negative emotions you have for your ex may be valid, but they are just going to eat away at you if you don't find a healthy way to deal with them. Just my thoughts.

Moscato, I have never heard of EMDR therapy. I am certainly open to try whatever might help me. You are right, the negative emotions are eating away at me. Valid or not, I can't allow them to ruin my health.
I would love to hear what you have to say.

I'm not sure if you see a counselor. If so, ask if he/she is trained/certified to do EMDR therapy or can refer you to one who is. Not all counselors are; in fact most probably are not. If this doesn't work out, go to www.emdria.org and see if you can get some help there.

I can understand your worries about how you'll manage at the wedding. It'd be a great shame if you missed it because of him. Please don't let him take yet another thing from you,

I mentioned mindfulness in another post. The part of mindfulness that helps me deal with seeing my ex is the looking at things objectively bit. My psychologist recommended it to me when I told her I didn't know how to deal with seeing my ex. It helps you maintain inner calm and control over yourself while you clearly see your ex for what he is. You see exactly what he's trying to do if he's being abusive, and that knowledge on its own gives you a confidence that helps you not to react to his goading. I use it everywhere now, in all sorts of situations and all sorts of people. I now know I can stay calm in my ex's presence no matter what. I'm sure it drives him crazy because he tries something every time I see him - and I just don't let him get to me!

It would be good if you can find a self-confidence and self-respect when he's around because your daughter will see that and there will be even more respect coming your way. If anyone spoils her wedding, then, it would be him.

Also, make sure you get yourself an outfit that you really like so you'll feel good knowing you look and feel great,

You can do it.

Love and hugs
kamary

Well, my guess is you have about a year to work on your issues, so get to work! Congratulations to your daughter.

You will be fine. You know, there's a saying - "Worrying works.....90% of what I worry about doesn't happen!"

Lots of good advice here and you got this. You are stronger than you think.

Yes...congratulations on your daughters upcoming wedding! How wonderful!

I married off a daughter in 2014 and it wasn't easy seeing my ex and the OW, but there were enough people there that it didn't seem awkward. We don't speak and I doubt anyone noticed. I had also asked my daughter to place her husband's family's table between her father's and mine which she did. That was the only thing I asked of her and she obliged. My son-in-law's mother even came up to me, hugged me and told me I was "doing beautifully". I had met her the summer before the wedding and told her all about the divorce, etc...

The hardest part for me was listening to my ex's speech at the rehearsal dinner. He talked about how my daughter and her fiancé were so right for each other because they had a lot in common - and not just SEX. Yes...he actually said that. MY stomach lurched like he had just told the entire room of people that that's how he viewed our marriage...just sex. I almost choked. Dh almost did, too and thought his speech was very unbecoming of a father-of-the bride. It really resonated with me as during the divorce he had said that we were just "too different" and he had told me years before the divorce that he didn't think we had enough in common to "go the long haul" and when he asked for the divorce, I asked him how he could want a divorce when we had made love only 2 weeks prior. His response was disgusting. He said, "I'm a man. It was just sex." gross So, listening to him speak and say these things was difficult along with seeing him have his arm around his wife #2 at all times when he never did that with me. I was stupid enough to tell my oldest DD32 that when she asked how it was for me seeing her father after so long. I told her it was hard and her response was, "Gee, Mom...I thought you would have forgiven him and moved on by now." I told HER "Really?? I've remarried. If that's not moving on, I don't know what is." She shut up. But, lesson learned...don't share your true feelings with adult children in regards to the divorce and their other parent.

My advice...look fabulous; focus on the happiness you'll feel for your daughter and agree with iammine...be sure to have a "wing woman". My siblings came to my daughter's wedding and it was wonderful. Even without dh with me, I would have felt surrounded by love from my own family members.