Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group

I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...

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/ Divorce after Twenty years together Support Group

Coming out of denial

brokenhearted1220
brokenhearted1220
So how long did it take everyone else to come out of denial and realize that their spouse was gone for good? I guess for me it took until tonight. He didn't want to tell my daughter who is in college before her finals. My son has known for about a week. I held my 16 year-old as he cried. So today was the day for my daughter. I worried all day. And then after a long trip home, he pulls over and tells her. She cries her eyes out the rest of the way. He can't understand why she doesn't want to hold his hand. She walks in the door, and it's just the three of us. My son, my daughter, and me, crying, hugging and holding on tight. He walked away with barely a backward glance. And that's when I knew he was gone for good. If the sight of his children in such grief didn't stop him, nothing would. I asked the kids what he had told them. And he told them that he needed to be happy, that they were big enough to deal with a divorce, and even though he loved them this other life with this new family was what he wanted. This is the same man who promised my kids and me over and over that nothing would ever break our family, and that our family was the most important thing in the world to him.

So I guess I am coming out of denial. None of this nightmare is going to go away. And I'm devastated, and I'm tired, and I'm scared, and I'm hurt, and I'm angry, and I am all out of hope.
iammine
iammine
I don't remember when I "knew" - meaning that I finally accepted that it was over. Like you, I remember an instance at the front door, a few months after he got his "own" place (lol what a ruse THAT was - he just needed space to be alone but was NEVER alone in his little bachelor pad!). Anyway, he was picking up our son for an outing, and I greeted him at the door, then went and sat at the table and cried, my head in my hands...hiding my face.

He must've stood looking at me for awhile, but then I felt his hand on my shoulder, he gave it a little squeeze, then walked away. After he left with my son, I felt....sick. Sick that he PITIED me, sick that I wanted someone who didn't want ME, sick that I cried and showed such weakness in front of him when HE had clearly moved out and on....what an awful memory.

But it strengthened me. I didn't realize it then, and hadn't even though of this for AGES until I read your post brokenhearted! Yep, that's when I knew.

I'm sorry for you and your kids pain. It's so very sad. But you will heal. Your kids will heal. You will help each other, love each other, and one day, you all will "get" it. Whatever "it" is! I guess that ultimately, like a lot of men (and some women for sure) he doesn't want to be in a family anymore. He's not so much rejecting you all as he's rejecting his OWN life, if that makes sense?

Big hugs to you all ((( )))
neverceases
neverceases
Never underestimate the power of denial. I think I always knew deep down in my heart that our marriage was over the day I found out he slept with someone else. I stayed with him for three years while he did absolutely nothing to earn back my trust or even help me feel like I made the right decision to stay. He treated me as if "I was lucky that he didn't leave me." It wasn't luck. He was just too much of a coward to make that decision. As soon as I made the decision to divorce, he was all over it. He was just happy to have me be the one that broke it off.

He was a coward and your soon to be ex is a coward. It's a reflection on his bad character, not yours.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Chump Lady is a big help. Big Jedi hugs to you.

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