Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
My husband is in rare form with his bizarre behaviors. Over the past couple of years, I have seriously questioned his sanity and tried to get him to go for counseling, but he refuses.
In a previous post, I explained how his mother is seriously ill and he would not share much information or even where she is staying so I could visit or send a Christmas card. I attempted to call my MIL's boyfriend, but was unable to reach him. Then suddenly, my husband decided that it was nice that I wanted to visit, and maybe we could go as a family. (Our kids also asked to visit her and had been excluded.)
A date was set for the family visit, but when the date arrived, he decided we wouldn't be going. He told my son that they would visit on Christmas. My husband did not visit my family on Thanksgiving, and I assumed that he would not visit on Christmas either. I wasn't sure whether the Christmas visit to his family would include me or not. The other day, to my surprise, he told me the plans for his family and that I was welcome to come along. I reciprocated by telling him when my family was gathering (which is the same day/place every year - so no big secret). His reply? "I don't think I'll be going."
My initial thought was that I would not go with him to his family's gathering if he has stopped visiting my family. (Much of our relationship has been about me meeting his needs without much reciprocation.) Then I thought about it, and decided that maybe I could set aside my own feelings and go for his mother's sake. I don't think his mother will live much longer, so I don't see any reason to even tell her about our marital problems. I guess if my husband feels like he "won" some little powerplay because I go with him, so what?
Am I being stupid to go for his mother's sake?
In a previous post, I explained how his mother is seriously ill and he would not share much information or even where she is staying so I could visit or send a Christmas card. I attempted to call my MIL's boyfriend, but was unable to reach him. Then suddenly, my husband decided that it was nice that I wanted to visit, and maybe we could go as a family. (Our kids also asked to visit her and had been excluded.)
A date was set for the family visit, but when the date arrived, he decided we wouldn't be going. He told my son that they would visit on Christmas. My husband did not visit my family on Thanksgiving, and I assumed that he would not visit on Christmas either. I wasn't sure whether the Christmas visit to his family would include me or not. The other day, to my surprise, he told me the plans for his family and that I was welcome to come along. I reciprocated by telling him when my family was gathering (which is the same day/place every year - so no big secret). His reply? "I don't think I'll be going."
My initial thought was that I would not go with him to his family's gathering if he has stopped visiting my family. (Much of our relationship has been about me meeting his needs without much reciprocation.) Then I thought about it, and decided that maybe I could set aside my own feelings and go for his mother's sake. I don't think his mother will live much longer, so I don't see any reason to even tell her about our marital problems. I guess if my husband feels like he "won" some little powerplay because I go with him, so what?
Am I being stupid to go for his mother's sake?
The problem is that I don't know where she is staying. She lives in another town that is a couple hours away. From what little I can gather, she has been going back and forth between a nursing home and a hospital. He is intentionally keeping the locations secret so I can't go on my own.
I do understand that this is all about control. I have been very independent and indifferent to him. This seems to be the one thing that he has discovered that he can still hold over me. However, if I separate my decision from his mental game and just ask myself what "I" really want, it is to visit her. So, why not take the high road and do what I want and also what's in her best interest? I don't believe a couple hours in the car is going to give him any real power over me in the long run. And I truly believe this may be my only opportunity to see her. Plus, once I've seen her, he has nothing left to hold over my head.
Watch for him trying to draw this out to hurt you and be ready to accept that you might not get to see her. Hope for the best but prepare your head and heart for the worst.
You have to call someone in his family or figure out a way to find out where your mother-in-law is. If you want to go see here, figure out a way and just go do it. Someone on his side must know where she is. Make a few calls, ask and go. HUGS
Lily...just be careful, I would hate to see you get hurt all over again. I know the need to see your MIL especially since she is so ill...but...there are other ways to see her without damaging yourself in the process. Phone the hospitals..phone the nursing homes...phone other family members...you will find her. Also, do protect yourself. As Tea4 has pointed out...the reception may not be as you would like. As much as we love our extended family members...divorce changes that. It dosent matter how long you were part of that family....for me it was 24 years....blood is thicker than water. Somehow sides are chosen. Take care and remember...your stronger than you think...Big Hugs...Kathy
I don't think my husband gained anything. He lost what little he had left to hold over my head. I am free of any guilt if she passes away. My kids thought he was being childish by not going to my family's gathering, and they were pleased by the fact that I was still willing to behave like an adult and visit his mother as a family.
If I had avoided the Christmas gathering, he would have had to explain why to his family. Then I would have been in a very uncomfortable position visiting later (not knowing what they were told). And now I know where she is staying and exactly what has been happening.
I didn't go on this visit to please my husband. I went for my own conscience and for what is probably a dying woman. Honestly, I think his game playing has back-fired a bit with the kids. Too bad for him.
Now she has had a stroke and is in a nursing home. She won't be coming back to her home. I have been to visit her with my husband and with his sister and with my children.
The question is this: If she passes away, what is my place at the funeral? I am on good terms with her, my sister-in-law, and am some what amicable with my soon to be ex-husband. This will take place in our home town, which I have left. The other woman lives there. What a mess. I want to be there out of love and respect for her, and for my children. But it is confusing now as to where I should sit, etc. Any ideas?