That's all of our dream isn't it? That our husbands/wives kept that wall up. They didn't so now what do we do? We pick ourselves up off the floor and try to find our life again. When we have happily married best friends it makes it even harder. They try so hard to help. You try to talk to them but they say things like toss his ass to the curb. Forget him. How do you forget 20 or 30 or even 40 years of marriage?

I'm still learning and boy do I have things to learn. I'm starting my life over at 51. I will survive this and that you can take to the bank!! LOL (I heard that in a movie)

All those friends who tell you you're better off, I would toss him to the curb, I wish my husband would leave, yada yada, yada, have no concept of the pain it causes. They have not experienced the betrayal after 20 or more years that we have. I tell them all - no you wouldn't. You might think you would but I can guarantee you wouldn't. We know better - they just think they know.

i agree with you Chrissy. It is much easier said then done. I know I used to believe the same things if he ever cheated on me I would kick him to the curb .... but did I when he did it the first time ? No! For one I was too sick I didnt think I could make it with out him. For 2 I still loved him and I thought if I where not sick he would love me again. HE did try to make it work when I went into remission the first time but when it came back he found him another women that he brought into our lives and brought her nad her bf and child on our family vacation. Some men are just asses no 2 ways about it. I really blame my self for the situation I am in today for not kicking him out the first time . God what a fool I was .
Thank god im not that stupid any more. She can have his sorry cheatin ass!!! I do patiently wait for the day that either she cheats on him or he cheats on her .. it will happen . : )

I agree! I always told people if he cheated it would be over...that's it...no discussion! Instead, I have been a sorry, pathetic sole! I have begged to him to work it out with me and offered to give everything up for him, but nothing mattered to him except her! I have never experienced such heartbreak!!!! I have never experienced such anger! They ripped down that wall and caused such destruction to those of us who thought our family unit was something to treasure! In his adventure moving away from tour family, he has changed me, as well, and not for the better! I hate who I am now and only hope I am able to find my true innerself and be happy again! I am not sad constantly, but I am still angry constantly and I believe there will always be sadness there. A part of my heart has died! They are cowards and only care about themselves. It is all over...we are surrounded by cheaters...it is sad! What has happened to our society? Where are morals and committment?

We will survive this, but I wonder what all this damage will do to us! Will we ever trust again? I feel damaged beyond repair? There is no doubt in my mind that I will survive and move on with life...I/we are doing this, but my personality has changed and I am tired of just moving through life without much happiness! I can put on a good show and I can honestly enjoy my son, but beyond that...not much happiness! I have the mask on when I am out and remove it when I am home. I feel stuck in this stage!

Hugs to all!

wow...we are all on the same page. i agree 100% with all the posts here and unfortunately all us who have been cheated on have the same story. i, too, forgave hoping to salvage 26 years of marriage. i, too, never saw my husband rebuild that "marriage" wall but i take NO blame in that. it was his choice ESPECIALLY when he was given the second chance. I tried my best to do whatever i could to right the wrong but as my therapist is trying to tell me..he made the choice and there was NOTHIING i could do.
it is a hurt that noone can imagine unless they have been there. and like you all , i have family and friends telling me how much better off i will be!!! ok..god let it be true...and starting when??? i feel sad...happy anniversary to me today 27 years :(

I thought my marriage was ok, not perfect, but ok....But when I couldnt be who he wanted me to be he found someone that could.
I also have heard the "You are better off without him" No, I am not better off without him. My entire world has been turned upside down, sideways, inside out. How is that being better off without him. I know that they mean well, but damn it, he was a HUGE part of my world.
Chrissy, your right, we all have choices, but what do you do when they make choices for you? They have no clue the consequences of making that choice.

I was not cheated on yet it is ending the same way. He does not want me except for companion/friend/dependence on each other. Puts you in the same place of not being loved nor any desire to do anything about it. You still feel you are unloved, don't know your future, alone, no one to depend on, no support group, financially scared, and unhappy if not devastated. Yes definitely a misplaced housewife ,unable to work, no health insurance and having to reinvent yourself in midlife.
My parents marriage was dysfunctional. I can remember my Mom preaching you have to keep them happy to keep them home. In my option pretty much the same as the guy on Oprah. I do believe that too but to a degree as it is also the men's part to bring that to the marriage too. My first marriage ended in infidelity. But I blamed myself as that was a symptom of a unhappy marriage. Guilt, Guilt, Guilt. Finally my priest told me Enough unless you physically picked him up and put her bed... it was his decision!
Anyone in a depressed state for whatever reason do look at life different after a chronic disease, loss of job, financial loss, or death of a family member. I know I wanted to leave my husband when i lost my son because I was so unhappy and looked at him as not making me happy. My counselor told me You can not make a good responsible decision and to wait at least 2 months and look at where you are then. We made it. My husband and I like most have gone thru many bad/hard times like many people and that is what blows my mind now to go through so much and should be happy now and now in this place after 25 years.
This may be the reason for so many break ups in long marriages. Depression, infidelity, mid life crisis.(By the way don't understand mine as no one else and 69 yrs old- but an unhappy and selfish person) . His duty as husband was done, providing. Yes, I stayed home, made it nice did the wifely things. Cook, clean, handle all household repairs, bills,laundry etc., etc. But the main thing leave him alone/separate lonely life. We have been in separate beds for 7 years. We did not have big fights but always knick picking. (Resentment on my part) Like Jack says a long slow death. Mostly they are really unhappy and THEY don't get they have to make themselves happy and WE cannot but neither will anyone else. Guess alot of us forget this but I do believe we will realize this and will get back to this state and then recover as they may never learn this and at the end of this world never learn the key to happiness.
Sorry so long but just trying to figure it out and get on to the acceptance stage and getting ready to go to a lawyer myself.
Sorry for the "Unhappy Anniversary" stopthistrain. Try to look to the future and not the past. My husband moved out on our 25th. Sad but I thought do I want to be in this same place on my 26,27,28.

So true. My wife never had the "marriage wall"..even before her affairs began she always acted like she wasnt married....openly flirting with other men through most of my marriage.......even my kids noticed it and asked me why. When I look back I never should have put up with it. I should have known that her flirting would have led to her affairs...I guess when you love someone you always hope for the best...she used to tell me she couldnt help it, it was her nature and I shouldnt try to change her....but its true, if a person would stay behind those walls, that second moment would never happen.

Missian, I also felt that when I couldn't be who he wanted me to be, he found someone that could. I also was told you're better off without him and have trouble believing that. Just like you, my world has been turned upside down My whole world revolved around making him happy and being a good wife and mother. Now I am 53 and living alone with my dog and it is AWFUL. There are memories everywhere I go, in everyhing I do. Now I am trying to recreate myself and get over all my resentment. I choose not to be a powerless victim and blame him for my situation, but to take care of myself. I'm done giving my power away and letting another's opinion of me lower my self esteem. Its about taking personal responsibility for my self-care. But it is a constant battle between my heart and my head. Its about progress, not perfection.