That is awesome cmong. For me...one of the hardest parts of the divorce was the loss of our history. I still had the memories but he was the one that shared those memories. We knew each other so well. He was the only one that I could say remember when? He knew the whole story...no exploitation was needed...it was a mutual knowing...especially where the kids were involved. No one else can do that. This was a very difficult loss for me to deal with.

As time when on...new experiences happened without him...I realized I was creating a new history...one that did not include him. That past history with him started to fade and the emotional intensity lessened. I've moved into my own home....our shared family home is rented out...not much in my life has a connection to him anymore...other than the kids. Even with the kids...we have 5 years of experiences void of him...he no longer is part of my recent past or future. Its kinda weird really. This person spent almost 30 years with me and he has become more of a memory than anything else. That song...Someone I used to know...resonates with me.

cmonge...you are well on your way to creating new memories. Making changes helps with that. It's surprising when you realize this and can see it at work in your life...it was for me...it kind of snuck up on me. Your doing great and I am happy for you...Big Hugs...Kathy

Dairytech...I could have written your reply. The years of memories... As much as I love my new dh, we share only the last 6 years...not practically a lifetime. We also do not share children which I've found difficult. The unconditional love my ex and I have for our children isn't shared by our new spouses nor me for my stepsons. Our children were grown by the time we met, so I have no memories of his children growing up nor he for mine. I do find that sad. We each have one grandson and do not have the same bond with the other's as we do our own. I have found many difficulties in trying to blend a family this late in life (I'm 55.)

As for changing the house, cmonge...good for you! It's your house totally now. Embrace it! Make it your own definitely! I was forced out of my beautiful home due to the fact as a SAHM, I could never have afforded the payments. Plus, I wouldn't have wanted to stay in the house with so many bad memories. I had nowhere to go, so lived in it with my ex for 6 months during the early months of our divorce. It was hell. He finally bought me out and I bought a condo for me and my daughter. The day I moved in there was the first day I felt some peace in years although the divorce was far from over. My condo was a far cry from the extravagant home I'd lived in, but I loved it and had a good life there with my daughter (and eventually my DD27 who moved in with me after dropping out of college). However, once my dh and I decided to buy the condo he was renting, I sold mine. What I didn't realize was in sharing a condo with my dh that he would want a say in how I decorated, what pictures I put up, etc..My ex never had an opinion about how I decorated, but my now dh sure does. I tell him he was single too long (15 years) and forgot what it was like to have a WIFE. My home was MY domain to do as I saw fit! I've had to adjust obviously, but it's not been easy.

Dairytech and starting over - those are some of my biggest regrets - that no future relationship will ever have those way back shared memories or experiences of raising kids together. No future spouse will have been there by my side through so many of life's experiences - both good and bad! As much as I hope to find new love, I realize I'm just too far along in life to ever have a start that fresh again. Blending a family will always be a challenge, even if my kids are grown.
However, some of what Dairytechn said, about wanting to talk to the ex about a certain story or person, is exactly the same thing I've experienced through losing my sister 4 years ago. There are certain stories that no one but she would have appreciated. Life is full of loss. All we can do is march along and appreciate what we had for as long as we had it.
Love voicing these thoughts with all of you.

I had to chuckle reading this as the FIRST thing I did after putting the now-X out was to take over the upstairs room that he had used for an office. Mind you now, I had totally redone that room not a year earlier to suit his taste -- but I needed to REMOVE every reminder that he was ever there from the place.

Then, as soon as the divorce was final, I did a lot of changes -- new ceilings in the living room and downstairs bathroom, carpet for the living room, laminate floor for the kitchen -- and spent a bundle doing stuff to the OUTSIDE of the house that had needed doing for years (which he just ignored).

Since that time (and since selling the farm and moving down here to SW Florida) my house (which I am renting) has my signature all over it -- my furniture, my artwork, my this and that -- and except for not wanting to paint the walls something other than white, it's pretty darned cozy and looks like my house!

It's always good to hear true stories about how this whole life after divorce thing DOES get better and how everything gets a little easier with time. Good for you!

Good for you, cmonge! I'm glad you're making your home more "you." I left most of the "stuff" with the ex. He kicked me out of our home, so I didn't have much anyway. He tried to offer me some of our furniture. I took a few things but refused our bedroom set for obvious reasons as well as most of the other stuff. When the judge ruled that he had to repay me some of the money he tried to hide from our 401k account, I used that to buy myself new furniture in the style I always liked but he hated. The only remnants I have of his part in my life, besides our children, are the photo albums. Everything else is new or different. I prefer it that way. It's best to let go of the past and try and focus on building a happier future.

The most poignant part of this discussion, for me anyway, is the part about the shared history. I think that is the loss I grieve the most. My ex and I met when we were just 15. We were together 29 years. We essentially grew up together. I used to cherish some of our stories and loved to tell them to new people. Now, they are more a source of pain than joy. Of course, they stopped meaning anything to the ex a long time ago. Perhaps they never meant that much to him, which I will delve into in another post. While I look forward to and hope to have a wonderful new relationship in my future with someone who truly loves and appreciates me, I already intuitively know that it will never be the same. I do look forward to making new memories with my kids and with a new partner some day, but I think I will always grieve the loss of our shared history no matter how many years go by.

I hope your new digs prove to be a place of peace and comfort for you.

I love this discussion! I can relate to so much of what's already been said. I stayed in our home for the three years of our separation. We sold the house as part of the divorce settlement and I moved into a condo that I rent. My husband took only his personal belongings from our home. He took no furniture, pictures, etc. So, even though I have a new place, I still use the same furniture, hang many of the same pictures (I like them and they have meaning to me), etc. I couldn't afford to sell the furniture and buy new furnishings. Nor did I really want to. We had very nice furniture that I wanted to keep. I did buy a new mattress, sheets, duvet cover, pillows for the bed and new shower curtains and accessories for the bathrooms. I guess the point I'm making is even though I've made some changes, I am still surrounded by much of what I enjoyed for the 29 years prior. It doesn't really bother me, and I think when my adult children come back to visit, there's still a touch of home.

As for the shared memories of a life together and moving forward apart from them, that causes me a great deal of sadness. I feel the same as several have already pointed out....a new relationship may be wonderful, but it won't be the same as starting out young, building a life and raising a family together. The challenge of a blended family (even with grown kids) is one reason I am not in a big hurry to get into another relationship. But we can only move forward and it's our responsibility to create a meaningful and happy life again.

cmong, I understand the need to renovate everything. I did it. All I took from the house was my mother's dining room and personal belongings. I gave him as much as he wanted. He stole a lot too, but anything that I could give away I did. Now I have a two bedroom corner unit condo. A 2 bedrooms, decorated the way I like it. Not having to worry about anyone's opinion. The shared memories of a life raising kids, just starting out as a young couple, with life ahead of us and a promising future. But that is the past, the future is something else. I do not think that I will have another man in my life. I love my freedom too much to relinquish it ever again. Hugs

When the ex went overseas in early 97 I sold the house on 5 acres with a barn. We had lived in that house for 10 years. While he was gone I bought a house and 8 acres in a private sub division. I have live with antiques. Old cast iron beds. Most of the furniture I found on my own.

The ex was only in the new house a total of 5 times in three years. I had bought new living room furniture. In Early 2002 I bought the 34 acres I live on now and sold the house on 8 acres. The ex was on here for about a year and a half. Then he was back overseas. I filed for divorce in 2006.

Anything I didn't want to deal with I stuffed in a closet. The ex was back in the States right after I filed. I had begged him to come back home but that didn't happen until I was filing for the divorce. I sent him some things he asked for. One of the old iron beds, a table, and kitchen items. I did get new linens for my bedroom. I painted my bed but I haven't replaced any furniture. There are very few memories of the ex in this house. What few there are weren't good. This house is full of my style....the things I like and had meaning for me. I think knowing the ex married me for reasons other than love made it easier for me to rid the farm of the few memories he left on here. Those few memories have been covered over by my daughter and the babies. When they are here my home is full of laughter, play and baby temper tantrums.

When I write about my divorce story it can be confusing at times. I am divorced twice by the same man...so divorce story #1 is different than divorce story #2

Divorce story #1...he told me he was leaving me on Valentines Day but didnt actually leave until May 15th. Our son was still living at home...it was a brutal 3 months. My ex left just a month before my son left for school reasons...so ya...empty nest was part of the mix on this one. One of the first things I did is take down all the pics and put them in a box...I moved around all the furniture...I gave our bedding away and bought new stuff...I painted and bought new carpets and I boxed up anything that was his and took it to the barn. This was truly the worst time of my life.

Divorce story #2...He said he made a mistake and realized he truly did love me and asked me to move to where he was...about 50 miles away from the farm. I rented the farm out and moved within 2 months. We lived in a little basement suite for a year...things seemed to be going well...so...I used my credit to buy a little fixer upper by the ocean...the next year was great. Along comes Valentines Day the next year..I got the...I made a mistake...I dont love you after all...I tried my best but just couldnt love you the way I should...so divorce # 2 was in the making. I had to live with him during the whole divorce and for 3 months afterwards...it was a hell of a different kind. He bought me out of this little house and it was just enough of a down payment on the fixer upper Im in now.

Having been through 2 divorces with the same ex I found moving to a new place was a healthier way to go. The memories tagged with the family home was really hard to bear...regardless of what I did to it. It represented failure and lost dreams. With moving to a new place..there was a huge emptiness but it wasnt filled with failure and lost dreams...the new place actually spurred new dreams and everything I did was for me.

So when I talk about my divorce...its usually a combo of both...I just wanted to clear this up in case there was confusion...Big Hugs...Kathy

I know what you're feeling. The memories can tear you up. But I have found myself wondering if those "memories" are for both of us or just me. He lied so much during our 29 years that I wonder if what I thought was a legitimate reason for him not attending a function was for his gf's or if it was work like he said. So I don't really treasure those memories. He always told people I did a fantastic job raising the kids. Was that his way of admitting he was never around when needed? Oh well. That's his problem

As for our house, it became mine. I couldn't afford to relocate so I kept it. It was paid for and still close to my sons. So I just made it all mine. Painting, adding or subtracting things here and there. It is my home. I do what I can by myself and claim it all. All his crap was boxed and I told him to come collect. Immediately! He did. and I just watched. No tears or rants.

nice to see that your space is yours

Cmonge, it's great to hear you're moving on like that. I couldn't have stayed in our house if you paid me, even though I had designed it, and had invested a huge part of myself in the decorating and the garden. There were too many unhappy memories there.

I absolutely loved my little rental house which I moved into when I left. I took about half of everything except the stuff in the shed. I forgot to go there in all the upheaval, and when I realised I had no tools, he refused to give me anything from that huge shed except for my old pushbike and the birdcage stand. I have our original lounge suite we bought in 1974 at an auction, my aunty's dining room table, the beds which I had purchased not long before I left for people in pain (for me because of the fibromyalgia), a desk and other office furniture I had made not long before I left, our old outside setting we had bought in 1987 and the kitchenware I had bought and loved for so long. My kids love to sit at the table and lounge about on the old lounge suite.

My daughter once commented how much she enjoyed coming to my place because I have all the old stuff she grew up with and 'It's so much nicer than everything new', so I can only assume my ex has replaced all the furniture I left there, including the lounge suite we kept in the main lounge area which our kids gave us for our 25th wedding anniversary. My ex gets attached to houses so he was happy to have the house but he couldn't care less about furniture etc and I chose most of our artworks and bric a brac.

In 2012, I bought my own home and am thoroughly enjoying living in a place that has no memories of the ex, which is completely my own. I'm in the middle of having it repainted and am loving that feeling of making it my own. I also had a pergola added recently which has completed the feng shui balance and feels just great.

My ex brought my exSIL to my house yesterday because she stayed with him the night before and needed a lift to my place. He actually got out of his car and started to walk in and I didn't know what to do. I really do not want him to ever set foot in my house. Luckily, my sister understood and suggested we sit on the front patio and have a quick cuppa. I was really uncomfortable the whole time, and was very relieved when he left within half an hour or so. It was very awkward because my daughter and three grandsons were here too, and she saw it all. While I was inside making the tea, she came and gave me a huge hug, told me she could see how uncomfortable I was and that I had done well. She understands:) So did my sister and exSIL. We all managed to get through that half hour without making him feel unwelcome and I thank God he didn't need to go to the toilet in that time!! LOLOL

love and hugs
kamary

I was really happy to sell the house and get out. In my mind it was more his house anyway, as he wanted to move to this "new build" neighbourhood and have a brand new house instead of fixing up where we were AND staying in a neighbourhood which me and the kids ALL LOVED. It was always about him and his needs!

For me the area and house never had any soul, the area was almost devoid of trees (I planted some right away though and they were doing well at the ten year mark when I sold). I went to a little rental for just 9 months so my youngest could finish his senior year in highschool and then I moved in with my parents in another town a few hours away. NOW my parents have retired and sold that house so out I went to live in an apartment above a family member's business for four months while in transition (again!) and then rented a little house for me and another son who is finishing his last year of college and wanted to come "home" as I guess he was sick of living in student squalor! So that's where I'm at not.

I haven't done much here, it's small and I don't really care about decorating (I used to love that!) as it's not my "forever" home......not sure I'll even have one anytime soon. THIS one smells like smoke as the previous owners were lifetime smokers and although it's all been remodeled the smoke odour must be in the WALLS as I just can't get rid of it completely. I burn nice scented candles a lot! So I won't stay here once my lease is up.

I've moved quite a bit and it's been the hardest part of the post-trauma part of my journey. I'd really love to be settled in a home of my own where I KNOW I'll be putting roots down for a bit. I hope soon!

It was interesting reading about some of the members "home" changes! Kamary, I would FREAK out if I say my ex anywhere NEAR my home. ick. Good on you for keeping your composure!

Funny you mentioned the trees iammmine. I also needed to plant tress to give the place life, when we moved into our home 16 years ago. And every Maple tree I planted originated as a tiny scrawny sapling that grew wild at my sister's house. She was an avid gardener and helped me transplant those saplings as well as lilies, hostas, etc.... I would find it hard to leave those mature 40 foot trees now, as my sister is gone, but those are a reminder of her. My son told me he might want to buy the house if I do sell, so that would make me feel happier to know I could still visit the trees that remind me of my sister.