The thing you must keep in mind is...its not the OM...its your ex. If it wasnt this guy...it would be someone else...and I know this from my own experience. Both divorces was because of someone else...each divorce was a different...someone else...so...your focus should be on your ex not the OM. She did this...no one else. She had exited the marriage long before she even met this OM...you just didnt know it.

Moving on happens on the inside...not outside ourselves...however...if moving will give you that step forward...then I see nothing wrong with it providing your not running from something because that something will follow you everywhere you go...Big Hugs...Kathy

Didn't you just start no contact? this is all normal. It's going to take some time. One of the reasons I didn't want the marital home was the memories. I think I would have done better than most because it was usually me and the kids anyway because he traveled. I was ready to start a new life so moving to a new place was food for me.

I agree with Dairytech about putting blame on the OM. You are really just displace your anger when you do that. If it wasn't that guy it would of been some other

Don't feel as though you are alone... mine left me on November 5, 2011, and although I have come a long way I still find myself letting him rent space in my mind. When I am reading something that give explanation about betrayal, trust and resentment I get angry, feel pain as if it was the day he walked out. My biggest problem is trying to finger out how long did he not love me, since every morning he text me on way to work he did? When or where was I at not to notice this life changing change emotionally of him? They say that they were long gone before this person came along...WOW!!

Everyone keep telling me that I was a good trusting and faithful wife, and that's is what I suppose to do…trust him to go to work and be faithful, but sometimes I still feel shame, foolish and pain that I can't shake at times. Yes, it does get better, but I now realize that it does take time (even with praying and asking God for help). It's hard to NOT feel that the other person (OM/W) is at least 40% to blame for destroying your home and family, why wouldn’t we be upset with them to some degree? What does being a good wife/husband get you...loneliness, shame and embarrassment for loving a loser!

I was listening to a pastor on TV the other day and he was explaining why women/men go after married spouses…when they know that person has been committed in a marriage for years, they figure they will steal that person from spouse since they know they are not afraid of commitment, that they are the ones to stop them of their cheating ways and see them as the one they been searching for, something a single guy don’t offer. That they see how they treat that wife/husband and is jealous and won’t stop until they get them for themselves. In my case, she is 11 yrs. Older than my X, her husband died and she wanted someone’s else husband...even though it was at least 4-5 singles on site, mine was the only sorriest married dog that allowed her to help destroy our marriage. Yes, that resentment post hit close to home and 2014, I AM GOING TO CHANGE that resentment from a negative to a positive (part of my New Year me list).

Misred......I did start No Contact Or I'm trying to. Every since I told Her I didn't want her to call or text unless it was something to do with the kids, she has called and text over every little thing. She text me yesterday to tell me our sons dog had pups! Our son is married and I dont know how that would be an emergency. I don't want to get hateful with her about all this, but Wish she would stop it.

She is pushing the boundary with you to see what she can get away with. You may have to block her in order to get the message across. If you don't want to do that then delete all messages as they come in. I'm sorry she is not following the rules. But you have been good to her by being there for her. She wants you in her life in order to have the best of both worlds.....single and have you too. (((HUGS)))

My ex also left me on my 47th birthday! And wasn't first birthday. He broke up with me on my 19th as well.

In regard to no contact. I did have to get nasty and very happy that can now block on iPhones.

Also sold the marital home. Best decision I made and I love my new townhouse

I think it's a pretty low person who would break up on your birthday, and I'm sorry she did that.

It takes a while to work through the grief wheel and I was a long time in the anger phase. It began years before I moved out and continued for years afterwards because he kept doing more hurtful things. I think there are a couple of possibilities.
First, they're angry with us for whatever reasons which they didn't bother to divulge. They think we've done something to hurt them, and that's why they do all they can to hurt us.
Second, perhaps it's a projection? When they can't look at their own guilt, their own lack of self-love, their own bad behaviour, they project their feelings onto us. To do that, they have to make us angry. It helps them in a sick way, to see their anger being played out by us.

With the house, I knew I had to be the one who left because I had driven up that driveway with a feeling of doom so many times, I couldn't wait to get out of there. If you have a strong feeling that you need to move, it's probably right. Even so, it's probably wise to sleep on the decision for a while just to be sure. If it's meant to happen, it will anyway. I have a friend who has moved so many times, it's like she's been running. Every time you move, it costs you money and it's a huge stressor, so you want to be sure you want to go, and you want to be sure that the house you buy is the one for you. If you need to leave the marital home, and are not sure, you could take a little holiday and see how you feel when you come back?

I rented a lovely little place by a park for three years. I could have stayed there, I was so happy there, but it wasn't for sale and I needed to have my own place. I procrastinated, looked around, found nothing, gave up, stayed in the rental. Then I took a short holiday. On my return, I had put only one foot over the front doorstep, and I had a sudden distinct knowledge that it was time to move out. Within short time, I'd found this house and am still here. It's perfect for me and I have wonderful neighbours.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you have a strong feeling it's time to go, then you're probably right.

With the fact that you're still in a highly emotional state, be extra careful if you decide to move. Maybe you could ask a trusted relation or friend to be with you during the process.

love and hugs
kamary

My ex left me on Mother's Day. He brought me flowers and gifts then dropped the bomb that he wanted a separation. The next day, he kicked me out of our home in front of our grown children. He showed no emotion whatsoever. His face was that of stone. He left me for a woman he was seeing for about 2 years behind my back. He will marry her in a few months. I agree with Foolishinlove that she was jealous of what she perceived we had, as one of only two times that I even saw her she glared at me non stop. I didn't understand then why she was glaring at me. I had only just met her.

I'm also certain that Kamary is right, the guilt they feel for breaking their vows and tearing apart their families is more than they can bear. They have to turn their self-loathing outside and project it onto the unwitting victims in this charade: the spouses caught off guard by the betrayal. My ex treated me with unmitigated cruelty. It was clear that he didn't and still doesn't care whether I live or die, except that if I died he wouldn't have to keep paying me. And, Dairytech is so right in saying that your ex left your marriage some time ago. I know mine did, I felt it and kept asking him if everything was okay. He, of course, lied to my face and said it was but deep inside I knew the truth. I was powerless to fix it and wanted so badly to believe him that I ignored all the warning bells. It may seem like all of a sudden they've changed and left you, but in reality they were slowly leaving you and making other plans for months or years. Though I will never know how long my ex was planning to leave, I suspect it was at least 3 years before he finally did.

The holidays are particularly tough for me because they were always such a special time in our family. This year is only my 2nd post-separation/divorce. I suspect that some of your wanting to move may be tied to holiday sadness over your loss. I agree with the others that, perhaps, you should take a little more time to decide if you truly want to move - at least until after the holidays are over.

I'm truly sorry for all that you have endured. Every time I read another story here I feel such sorrow for yet another person whose life has been irrevocably altered by the selfishness of another. I just want to reach into my computer and hug you all.

But, as my mother keeps saying to me, Karma is a bitch! Sooner or later those who caused you hurt will suffer as a result. Hopefully by then, you will be long healed and living a much better life. I will pray for that for you, and for us all.

Kind regards,
Kim

My stbx said he wanted a divorce on our wedding anniversary. (Although he changed his mind later, creating such frightening feelings of insecurity.) Reading all the posts here, with similar sad dilemmas, makes me realize how we are NOT alone. There are so many of us who have been treated like dirt. Unappreciated and taken for granted. Working hard and taking care of our families and spouses for literally decades. And then we are "rewarded" for all our sacrifices and efforts by being discarded by the selfish, cheating spouses.

Yes, I believe in Karma, too. Things have a way of coming back to haunt those who create so much pain. It just takes awhile sometimes. lostwh, I agree with the others that it might be wise to wait until after the holidays to make any decisions on moving. But I completely understand the need for fresh surroundings, free of the old memories of the cheating spouse. I'm in a similar situation, and I know I'd probably be better off putting my house on the market and starting over. I just want to be smart about it, and not lose money by getting in a hurry.

lostwh, I'm sending you lots of prayers and that you will somehow be able to enjoy the Christmas holiday with your children. And hoping your New Year is full of lots of new adventures and blessings. Hang in there. It will get better.

My ex left on "Valentine's". I laugh at it now, but then, I didn't know how the sick mind compensates. You ask "Who would do such a thing on someone's birthday?" I suppose during major celebration events, CONDENMATION sets in and reminds cheaters of their misconduct. They're busy feeling bad and you are to blame. It's a form of insanity, some don't learn to stop doing things that makes them feel bad.

I suspect, once one sense their consequences are forth coming, they prefer to CHOOSE the option to quickly move-on taking the chance to feel good with the OP as oppose to staying feeling bad [I hear an echo! ] Cheaters search for ways not to feel bad about WHO THEY ARE at all cost to others expense. You are learning to accept the ugly truths with focusing on your mind.

Ever hear Judge Judy ask the question, " What's your choice?" Either way, it will cost her consequences. It's no wonder your ex agreed to a non contested divorce, it worked in your favor. It is your blessing. It is good you are making future plans. Hang in there, you're going through the tunnel and you are seeing the light on the other side.

It amazes me how many of us have gone through so many similar things. Is there a cheaters hand book out there? I just don't understand if they stopped loing us and had already mentally left the marriage, why didn't they just tell us it was over instead of lying and cheating? In my ex wifes case I think back and can remember through the years of her getting calls at home from male co workers and of course it was always work related. I guess I'll never know the truth about it all, and I don't know if I'd want to. As of now I don't see ever getting in another relationship, I don't feel like trying to keep someone happy and getting hurt all over again.

Lostwh totally get not wanting another relationship. I didn't for long time and just now slowly knowing I hope to have one in the future. Anf realizing I may never have one because there are a lot of singles not worth having. Then wondering if could ever trust again. Knowing I still have these doubts tells me I am still healing and when and if it is meant to be it will happen.

Take care. Rough stage you are in.

You know, I would love to think that Karma is going to come back and punish my ex for his shoddy behavior toward me, but I don't want to waste time awaiting his downfall to be happy. Maybe there is no retribution in this life. Maybe the kids won't decide to blame him for being weak. I think that you have to dig and fight for your happiness based on the positives you create out of a crappy situation. I am not a religious person, but I have found that forgiveness frees you from the bonds of hatred toward a person that was not worthy of your love and trust in the first place. Now, I have had 2 and 1/2 years to come to this conclusion, and have gone through every stage of grieving probably more than once, but think I am finally heading to a good place that I created because I am a good person, not because he is a schmuck.

For those of you new to the pain of betrayal, please give yourself time to process the situation without making hasty decisions. You have to cry and curse and process the horrible hand of cards that you were dealt. You were injured by the person you trusted and loved the most, but you can recover and live a satisfying life. You will never be the same, but it is possible to become a new, improved version of yourself.

Although I have only been a member of this group for a short time, I have found It immensely helpful in moving on to a good place. My hope is that we all survive the holidays, and some of us even enjoy it. Be gentle with yourself and know that if you allow it, you will feel good again one day.

@lostwh: My friend, you are asking the "why" question again! I'll say again, their solution to life's problem/s is to HIDE and DEFER ownership. Preservation [protection from fault] is more important for them. They are not mentally motivated or mature in finding solutions for THE UNIT to make situations better as the intended goal. It's easier not to tell us . That my dear, would take maturity and courage. And maturity is not chronologically age related as one expects.