HI Cali,

I am just now getting my legal separation started after 27 years of marriage...and I cannot even begin to think about dating, which is healthy I know, but at the same time I feel like I will never be able to trust again, I found out my husband was having an affair with another woman for 13 years of our marriage and he was probably cheating on me from the beginning and he hid it so well, so well in fact that all who know us are so shocked.

I just want to work on me for the next few years and get my second life started and I want it to be healthy and peaceful...focusing on me for a change. I've spent my whole life taking care of him and the kids, now it's time to take care of me. Nice to meet you Cali and welcome back.

i am so glad to hear that ds has helped people and what they are going thru now and then.it has been a couple of months for me.i loved my husband for 22 years.he had cops put me out because i tried so hard to deal the other woman but i could not.we had a bad argument and i was put out.we are in march now and i am so hurt.i keep asking god why i could not deal with the affair better.what is so bad about me.i never cheated on him and i was always home.where did i go wrong.why does he hate me so much.can someone answer this for me.

one of the most important things that i've learned is NOT to blame myself for what went wrong with my marriage. it was a very, very hard thing to do and took quite a bit of support from friends, family and a fabulous psychiatrist. It must be even harder when you know that there's another woman involved. (i had suspicions that my ex had become involved with another woman, but i'm not really sure - and, now, i don't really care.) what i did go through at the very end was terrible psychological abuse (the tide turned in my marriage when i became seriously ill) - being called a "hypochondriac" and a "psychotic bitch"; being told to leave a room or that he had to leave a room because he "couldn't stand the sight of my ugly face anymore", etc. and, finally, some instances of actual physical abuse. for the longest time, i kept trying to figure out what i had done wrong, that i must be such a miserable person that he could hate me so much (enough to simply abandon me, his home and his college-age son). i then actually believed that i deserved the awful way he treated me after he left our home.
although it took a long time - and a lot of help, i've come to the conclusion that i did nothing wrong, nor am i a bad person. although it sounds odd, if firmly believe that one night, someone took away the man that i loved and married and replaced him with a total stranger. the man that my ex is now is someone that i never would have befriended, let alone fell in love with and married. we would have celebrated our 25th anniversary this august. i don't think he ever was meant to be a husband or a father. i know that i am better off without him.
your situation sounds horrible, but, you can survived it. you have to stop blaming yourself and, as hard as it may be, let the situation go. try to accept that this person who is now with another woman is NOT the person you married and don't put yourself in situations where you end up embarassed.
it takes a lot of work, but, you'll get there. i didn't find this group until after everything was over. if you possibly can, find a good therapist - preferably a psychiatrist who does med management as well as therapy to help you through this. i was a lapsed catholic, but have a new found faith in christ. i don't know what your religious leanings are, but that may be a source of help. if you can, find a divorce support group in your area. (unfortunately, there were none in my area.)
be kind to yourself - you did nothing wrong!!!