Welcome back, Calli.
I wasn't here yet when you were a member, but this group has been a lifesaver for me, so I"m very glad that you are back to share what you have learned.
Right now I can't imagine that I will ever trust anyone enough to be in a serious relationship. It's comforting to know that you were where I am now and you have been able to move on.
Thanks for adding your advice and support.
((hugs))

hi.. sure do remember you.. glad all is working out for you.. always good to have those on who have done well ( my mind goes to a few right away) to shed some light, let us know what has worked for them.. to aid those still on the ride.. May you have sunshine always..

Welcome back, and congratulations. We probably crossed paths, but either way, it is refreshing to hear positive recovery stories! You certainly have a lot of wisdom to pass on since you've been there and done that :) Big hugs!

It is good to be down the road to recovery. Even though it's been 4 years since my separation and 3 years since my divorce, there are still times when the grieving of the dream that was lost surfaces. But that's just what it was, a dream. And many on this site helped me realize that the feelings we have are real and that we must deal with them and talk about them. Thus, the beauty of DS. And we also realized that each time we have a setback, the next one is usually less. But always know that time IS your friend. I wanted my pain and healing to be over quickly but now I can see that the pain and suffering is what got all the ugliness and hurt and pain and anger out so that I could focus on the new good things in my life. My DS friends helped me find books and websites and shared their counselor's advice and so many things that worked in my recovery. One thing I would like to share is that it is so important to heal yourself before you get in another relationship. It's worth the wait. How can you find someone in a good place if you aren't there yet. That's why the divorce rates are so high for the 2nd and 3rd marriages. People jump in too quickly. So, breathe, refresh, nurture yourself, share, cry, read, pray, get a counselor, and allow your feelings to have an outlet. You will actually LOVE the new place you will end up if you do the work and enjoy the journey the best you can knowing that each circumstance will grow who you are. I can honestly say that as painful as my journey was, and believe me, I wondered if I'd survive, I would choose to take that journey again to reach where I am at today. Are there sadnesses still? Absolutely, but I now look at what I need to learn from them, or just appreciate the good memories the made that sadness appear. Hugs to all and have a great day.

Thanks for letting us still going thru H that there is a light at the end. We do struggle everyday some days much better than others. It is hard to believe there is happiness as the end but that is what this site has done for me realizing there is always hope. Thanks so much for letting us know there is always hope.

patti101. There were times I would cry out loud to God to please make the pain stop. That I just wasn't strong enough to take it. I can still sometimes remember the feeling today. It was so intense. So when I write that you can get through it, then you can because if I can, anyone can. It's sometimes too much, isn't it. But hang on, it will happen for you. DS was my salvation. I was on here 2-3 hours a day for a long time. Sharing with others where we were in our grieving cycle saved my life. Lots of hugs for you today.

Cali, of course I remember. I feel like I have been around forever. Thank you so much for sharing with those of us in all stages of the ride what life can be like. It is definitely a long journey, and I definitely agree with working on yourself before getting into another relationship. I can see how much I have grown personally in 3 years. Hugs!

I'm fairly new to DS, although the abandonment by my ex of his family and our divorce has been a terrible journey of nearly three years. I am finally at the point of actualizing plans for this next phase of my life and it's good to know that happiness is possible. Since I wasn't on DS when you were before, could you share the turning point in your life that lead to your new-found happiness and remarriage. All the best!

Casius. I'm not sure I had a "turning point". I just know that even when the going got tough, I wanted to get to the other side because I knew people had made it. I could see them waving on the shoreline. So I kept coming on here, reading reading reading books that gave me strength to go on, that gave me knowledge to implement my desire to nurture myself physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally, kept going to counseling and still do. Not to heal anymore but to now improve my dysfunctional thinking process that allowed me to accept the horrible way I was treated at the end of my marriage. That's what I am working on today and have been for the last 2 years. I think too many people stop the counseling once the "drama" is settled, not realizing that now the fun work begins to clear your head, clear out your closets and how you used to think and what you used to accept. Sometimes it means changing job, or changing friends, or a boatload of changes but as you go through the journey, it will become clear to you. I think one of the things that really helped me stay on course is seeing all the people that wanted the "easy way out" by going to addictions, accepting less than what was best for them, medications (and I know this is a touchy subject because for some it is a necessity but for me, I wanted to feel the pain so I could get through it), and getting into relationships long before they were ready and to see them fall back evven worse than they were before. So it's a lot of things. When my husband and I started dating I kept looking for red flags because I was determined NOT to end up in a crummy relationship again. And one day, after almost a year of dating and still questioning everything my counselor finally said to me, "I think you've done the best you can do in trying to find ANYTHING that is wrong with him, why don't you now enjoy the journey, be open to things you need to discuss but have fun". It was great but I'm glad I was diligent. It's important to be careful. Too much is at stake. My husband had been divorced 10 years. He had just started dating because his kids were no longer living at home. So he had healed and he knew who he was and what he was looking for. So that's when I realized that healthy attracts healthy. If you are still wanting to change someone or they are wanting to change you, it's NOT good. Now, could it still end in divorce? Well, I believe we live in a sinful world and we all have choices we make every day to stay faithful and committed and kind, etc. As Dr. Phil would say, "you do your best to pick the best person to be in the foxhole with", and so that's what I've done. Big hugs to you.

sfsoccermom. I so remember you too. I have kept up with some of your postings like a few others I remember and it's good to see growth and healing in all of you. Hugs to you.

Welcome back caligirl...its so nice to see how well you have done. I'm 18 months into my healing and things are so much better for me than in the beginning so I can understand that after 3 years...life is better than good again. Healing is a lot of work...but the rewards are endless. For me...I was and am determined to come out the other end of this whole again. Big Hugs and I'm so happy you are back...Kathy

Thanks for such a long and thoughtful description of your journey. I actually realized after reading it how far I have come since my ex destroyed our family by simply abandoning me, our home and our son in October 2008. The time since then has been marked by a series of horrible events, the least of which, actually, was the divorce itself. I started to describe the events, and my ex's behavior, but decided that I've moved on and don't even want to bother describing it. I've survived with the love and support of family and close friends, treatment of my major depression and post-traumatic stress disorder by an amazing psychiatrist, a newly found faith in the Lord and a "backbone of steel" that I inherited from my immigrant grandparents. I realize that I can't be bothered with negative feelings - anger towards my ex, regrets about the years of the marriage, self-deprecation, etc. I understand what you mean about no real "turning point". I, at some point, made the decision that I wasn't just going to survive the divorce (and everything else that has happened/is happening), but that I was going to THRIVE. I see this as a chance to recreate my life and have begun doing so - reaching out to old friends, family members whom I haven't seen for quite some time, and, basically coming up with a new life plan. Although I still feel lonely and scared at times, I realize that I am excited about the future that I'm going to make for myself. For quite a while, I had no hope of ever having a significant other in my life again. I've been toying with the idea of signing up with one of the reputable online dating services (eharmony or match.com), since, right now, that's probably my best bet in terms of finding male friendship, at least. As I'm writing this note, though, and thinking about your journey, I've just decided that I'm definitely going to do that after my son goes back to college after his Spring break. It's amazing that I've been able to make that decision just while writing this note. I am going to do it with no expectation of finding another love immediately, but just to see where it takes me. I'm actually pretty excited about this and will keep everyone posted. I'd appreciate others sharing any post-divorce dating experiences. (I know all about staying safe, being cautious, etc.) I guess that I want to start having fun again!!!

Hi dairytech. I so remember you as well and have kept up once in a while on posts here on this site even though I wasn't signed up. So many times I wanted to comment but without an account I couldn't, and it was good to have a break. But you truly have come a long way and I'm so happy for you. Healing is SOOOOO good. Isn't it? Hugs my friend.

casius, I met my husband on eharmony. It is the best match place in my opinion. It is thorough and has a step plan. Also, the book "Date or Soulmate" was my guide as well, written by the man who started eharmony. If you enjoy the process without feeling the desparateness to find someone, then it will come when you are ready and not before. My husband always says to me, "How come God answered your prayer after 3 years and it took him 10 years to answer mine?" And I told him, "I wasn't available any sooner so God needed you to wait for me". LOL. Don't accept anything less than your dreams and desires. Being alone is better than being miserable. Lots of hugs. Have fun.

eharmony seems to be the best match place that I've seen. it goes far deeper into personality, values, etc. than the others. i'm doing a free trial on match.com, where i can view matches based on my profile - frankly, the "matches" that they've shown me so far are way off just in terms of the basics. I becoming more and more ready to sign up, will do so with eharmony. thanks for the warning about "desperation" - i'm not desperate to find someone just to keep from being alone. despite what my ex believed, i'm too special to give my love love/heart away to just anyone. i would be joining, just as a way of meeting male companions. for most of my life, my good friends have been both male and female in fact, of my handlful of life-long, best and dearest friends, one is a male. i've struggled for many years (even during the best times of my marriage) with the concepts of "soul mate", "love of my life" and "being in love" - maybe something i can email you about privately to get your thoughts. in any case, i'm not going into this process absolutely despearate to find a significant other - I live alone for many years before i married and am quite content to do so now. i agree, wholehearteldy with you that being alone is far better than being miserable. i intend to have fun!!! (my biggest hurdle is getting a recent picture of me taken. the latest one I have was taken when i was not as healthy or as attractive as i am now...)
i'll keep you posted.