I'm sorry you are feeling like this. You are so right in that it takes two to make a marriage. One person doing everything they can to keep another from leaving just doesn't work. It's easy to judge others from the outside looking in. They were not married to him, you were.

In this day and age there are many people divorced. Even if I am a divorcee, I don't get the impression that others look down on me for it. Wish you felt better.

What the hell does the "type that walks out" look like anyway?

I too have had these feelings, but they are lessening over time when I have come to realize I couldn't have done anything more than I already did to try to save the marriage. Someone who has not been through it has no idea how this affects one's life. Two in a marriage - one cannot save it. Hugs!

Unfortunately divorced is a stigma to some people.. usually those who are not divorced are the worst! You will get over this when people say rude or unthoughtful remarks. Like so much in divorce, it takes time to not look at this as a failure. I usually say, it is what it is, and we both did try and make a go of it, we went to counseling and in the end, divorce was it. I have no kids, so I have for years learned to put up with intrusive and insensitive remarks about that. There are also people who say, good for you! Glad you are happy and it was a good thing.

One thing that I know is some people think divorce is catching! Mostly my friends husband's. They said things like," gee I don't know if I want BLANK hanging around with you, you might give her ideas about divorcing me." I am a smart mouth with a quick reply almost always! He also know that. I said seriously, if she wanted to divorce you, she has better reasons of her own than I could ever suggest. Don't be so damm insecure! I added, and if you continue with that line of thinking, that could be a sure path to divorce! Others have said to me things like who gets divorced after 28 years? More than you realize I say. Or was there another woman? I said if you know me, more likely I should have gone and found another man! Really.

There is also the envious or jealous side of friends.. a few have said to me, I wish I could start over. I love my husband, but..... and for me, they say you got a younger good looking fabulous BF! That is the extent of my bragging, but it is true. Concentrate on you, not the label. Because that is all it is. This is 2012, not 1968! HUGS

Ms. Terry; that was really funny. I had a good laugh on what you wrote. Tx

It only takes ONE to stop the dance !

People can hurt also.. one of my friends, who I no longer have as a friend, said to me I wonder how long it will be before my husband remarries. I burst into tears, this was right after we filed.. she knew nothing, she wanted to hurt me. This was with a group of friends at lunch... my friends said she was jealous I was so thin. I said I am sure her husband would be glad to help her lose weight, all 350lbs, but I would not wish this on my worst enemy.

I came up with this for people who ask about your finances, and that happens too. Things like HOW much did you get. Or it must have been a lot of alimony to stay in the house. Or my favorite.. he gave you the house right?

" I may not be his only wife, as I was the first, BUT I am going to be the most expensive one he ever had"

Believe this also, it is not just men who make remarks, I have women say you did not deserve as MUCH as you got. My lawyer loves the above statement, as it goes along with the live well idea. HUGS

I used to feel embarrassed and somehow wanting when I had to tell people I was separated and later, dorced. I now say it proudly.

Like many here, as I became more and more convinced that I had done as many cartwheels as a person can while he made little effort, I began to hold my head up proudly. I know I did everything possible to make my marriage work. Unfortunately, it's true that it takes two, so here I am, divorced, and happy about it.

No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. And they don't have the right to know anything either.

Those who judge will be judged themselves.

It hurts when people are unfeeling and give you that look. It hurts far more when we give ourselves that look. When you begin to feel bad, tell yourself you love and accept yourself instead. Say it every day, lots of times. Look at yourself in the mirror and repeat it over and over. Give yourself a smile in the mirror in the morning and again in the evening and tell yourself you did the best you could against all odds, and you love and accept yourself.

I used to care about what peole thought, but I've realised that it's far more important what I think about myself.

love and hugs to you today
kamary xxxooo

I also heard the who divorces after 33 years. I looked them in the eye and said "I do". I did have someone say that the ex didn't look the type to cheat. I could understand that because he was very quiet and he did give the appearance of being very faithful. Always helpful but he was a serail cheater. All that person had to go by was what she saw from the ex and she didn't see him very often.

I guess I'm odd that I never felt like a failure because of my divorce. I was never embarrassed because I was now divorced. I knew how hard I had worked over the years and that the ex could be difficult to live with. Not too many people knew he drank up to 5 cases of beer a week because he did most of his drinking at home.

MsTerey I love this statement:

" I may not be his only wife, as I was the first, BUT I am going to be the most expensive one he ever had"

I'm the ex's most expensive second wife. He has now offered me the farm if I pay off the mortgage. If it wasn't for my daughter I would name the farm Alimony Farm. I still can't come up with a farm name and I really think that would not be the one to use.

Never feel like a failure because your marriage fell apart. There were two of you in that marriage and both have to work at it. The only people who truly know what went wrong is the two in that marriage. You don't owe anyone any answers to questions you don't want to answer. The most I have said is the ex wasn't someone you wanted for a husband.

I agree w/ Kamary...who cares what other people think or say! Its OUR lives and no one walks in our shoes but US! Only WE know what is was like to live w/ the EX and how WE feel or were treated! EVERYONE has an opinion and they can keep most of them and shove them up their ****! Especially those that have NO CLUE what your going thru & try to offer up advice! Funny how you find out who your TRUE friends really are thru all this mess. Even family members sometimes get weird. I say let them label us cause one day it may happen to them and they may find themselves right where we are and they will turn to US for advice and a shoulder to lean on!

Gee, I wonder if they all study from the same stupid manual. I had the same questions thrown at me. And I, being the smart ass that can really get people to shut up, piped up with a sweet, innocent smile. A smart and resourceful woman who has had enough bullshit to last her a life time. Now anymore questions. They quickly turned and walked away. gee wilkers. Please people have some sense of decency.

It's strange, as i have gotten really used to telling people that I am separated, but the term 'divorced' does have a more formal, and negative ring to it I must agree! I'm not there yet, but, like Kamary said, you should feel proud about where you are at and not worry about being judged.

I hope that is what I will feel when the !@#$ finally divorces me (he has just informed me that he is going to start proceedings soon so the 'd' word has just reared it's head in my world too!) . Hugs

I'm not divorced yet, but I don't like the sound of saying "I'm divorced". There's just something about those words that has a negative connotation for me. That being said, I don't feel like a failure. I was totally committed to our marriage and did everything I could to save it. I couldn't make my husband love me or want to stay married to me. Fortunately, the stigma of divorce has lessened, if not gone away completely.

I think there is a neg connotation in society but I know that I did everything I could before choosing that route. No one who has not walked in my shoes gets to comment on my status. Most of my friends who are still in intact marriages applaud my decision because it was just that bad. That is saying something because I am in a strong community of catholics who don't think divorce is cool. I think for me it is others saying 'h you are catholic so you cant be divorced' that is more annoying. We all deserve a big break for living through these difficult things. Cheers Daily Strength family!

Hi there, What U should do is drop the label. The world is full of failed marriages, everyday joes to the rich and shameless. There won't be a week that will go by without you hearing about the latest break up. This trend is disturbing but not uncommon. Two + decades is a long time no doubt. I'm sure there was good and bad as there was with mine. Like yourself, don't think to highly of yourself and most of all be humble. I don't think any less of you, you tried. If we try are best, that's all we can do. The label is a mind creation because it seems we tend to care what other people are thinking or doing. This evening, I sat outside with a 90 year old single man with 20 tons of wisdom. The guy drinks everyday and smokes two packs of cigarettes. He said that no matter what happens in this life to you, laugh. Laugh often and Laugh loud. When St peter asks you if you had any fun while on earth, he would expect you to say yes all the time and that you were greatfull for the life given you. Don't worry about labels, to me the only label I want to see is on a bottle or can, (beer). Cheers.

Oh boy... this is quite the post isn't it? I can tell you that initially, to me divorce was a failure but I have changed my way of thinking. What I believe now is that divorce although unwanted was somewhat of a graduation.

I didn't want to be here after 30 years of devotion to a man who just couldn't give me the same. But due to my upbringing, I suffered through all of the cheating lies and abuse...for what? To stay married. I tricked myself into thinking that the more I showed him that I loved him, it would make him want to treat me the same way - it didn't work. Damn my Mother (LOL - she was right - I just picked the wrong one to be devoted too)...

So, divorce to me is my moving up certificate. I'm in the next grade now learning how to love myself and I can tell you for certain, that I will never betray me.

Onward and upward my dear. Divorce, smivorce...Love and care for yourself and never feel like your not worthy or a failure. xxoo