Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
Hi Everyone,
been a while since I have been on, between work, seeing the kids , lawyer etc....
I did sneak a cruise in there too...
But went to court last week and everything got finalized, it was sad hearing the judge talk about it, I almost broke down but knew if I did my lawyer would kill me....
it was a 11 month battle, no winners, only losers, everything had to be in writing, she's been really hard to deal with, i'd called kids, she wouldn't let them talk to me, she would bad mouth me to her girlfriend, it was pretty ugly there, the week before our court date, she talked to me and said I don't care about her etc.. which was totally not true but her girlfriend has her brainwashed..
so she got the big house with the big yard,pool etc.. along with the 3,000 dollar a month mortgage, as long as she didn't touch my 401 k , which she agreed too.
she had issues with me seeing kids on certain things but we worked it out,like she wanted them Easter, ok no problem..... just really stupid petty stuff, I had odd years for holiday sleepover, she wanted odd years, ok no problem..
she get's 1600.00 a month in child support, which went down from what I was paying her, so that was ok.
still a lot , but we do have three kids and i'm glad there still in there home.
she just needs to try once a year to get my name off mortgage, if not she has to sell it in five years, she keeps all profits but my name is off mortgage, only then can I buy a condo or another home....
got to see the kids a little more out of the deal which is good for me.
hardest part was loosing my "family unit" still miss it, miss the kids every day when there not with me.
still get teary eyed over it all, don't do much, work out three times a week, other day just come home and sit here... lonely as hell......hate being alone, always have always will...
weekends when I don't have kids I dread....
but plugging away, one day at a time..
just wanted to reach back out to you guy's...
tried going to divorce care, didn't work for me.....
been a while since I have been on, between work, seeing the kids , lawyer etc....
I did sneak a cruise in there too...
But went to court last week and everything got finalized, it was sad hearing the judge talk about it, I almost broke down but knew if I did my lawyer would kill me....
it was a 11 month battle, no winners, only losers, everything had to be in writing, she's been really hard to deal with, i'd called kids, she wouldn't let them talk to me, she would bad mouth me to her girlfriend, it was pretty ugly there, the week before our court date, she talked to me and said I don't care about her etc.. which was totally not true but her girlfriend has her brainwashed..
so she got the big house with the big yard,pool etc.. along with the 3,000 dollar a month mortgage, as long as she didn't touch my 401 k , which she agreed too.
she had issues with me seeing kids on certain things but we worked it out,like she wanted them Easter, ok no problem..... just really stupid petty stuff, I had odd years for holiday sleepover, she wanted odd years, ok no problem..
she get's 1600.00 a month in child support, which went down from what I was paying her, so that was ok.
still a lot , but we do have three kids and i'm glad there still in there home.
she just needs to try once a year to get my name off mortgage, if not she has to sell it in five years, she keeps all profits but my name is off mortgage, only then can I buy a condo or another home....
got to see the kids a little more out of the deal which is good for me.
hardest part was loosing my "family unit" still miss it, miss the kids every day when there not with me.
still get teary eyed over it all, don't do much, work out three times a week, other day just come home and sit here... lonely as hell......hate being alone, always have always will...
weekends when I don't have kids I dread....
but plugging away, one day at a time..
just wanted to reach back out to you guy's...
tried going to divorce care, didn't work for me.....
wish i had a good spin
Why don't you have joint custody? You sound like a really involved dad.....just wondering
She has Phyical custody, we share all legal and medical decisions etc..
I have them every tueday and thursday nights, from 5:15 pm till 8:30 pm, when school is out till 9:00 pm
then they sleep over every other weekend, Saturday and sunday nights I drive them to school Mondays.
that's the court order, but I can ask her if I want to take them, say like for an ice cream or something, but she always says no... but the court order will always hold up.
we have always done birthday dinners, last month my birthday fell on a Wednesday, the kids new we were going to dinner, but she said no it's not your day.
Hope she grows up soon as it's only effecting the kids.
I wanted to fight for full custody and had a really good case, but I didn't have the money for it, my lawyer said it could of cost me 25 thousand dollars, and we there getting a little order if was not worth the fight cause they will be telling her in a few years that there going to dads house..
My dh won full custody of his 3 sons back in 1997 and it cost him $25,000.00 and took him 2 years. His older 2 were mid teens, but the state didn't give them a choice as the DHS finally figured out that their mother was unfit (she had become mentally ill). Custody battles are definitely costly, but dh knew he HAD to do it for the sake of his kids. Their mother just was mentally unable to do it.
It does get easier over time, but life, for all of us here, will never be the same...
Glad you get more time with your kids, and kudos for working out; great, healthy choice.
My volunteer work keeps me out of the house some evenings and does amazing things for my outlook. Perhaps you have something you can offer to make life better for others. Tutoring, cooking for homeless shelters, walking dogs for the animal shelter, building and painting houses for Habitat for Humanity, ministry to shut ins through church are some of the things I've done. What gifts do you have to share?
What I love the most about volunteering is pretty selfish, I get more back than I give. I love the kids I cook for and mentor, there's nothing like working with a dog and finding him a forever home. The friendships and connections have saved me from a lot of loneliness, and it wouldn't hurt to model that kind of behavior for and with your kids.
Best wishes for you, for healing, health and peace, for today, the next day, and the next to come.
my kids are 18 (off to collage in Sept.) girls are 10 and 12.
we all have a great relationship,
MNMama, yes the build up was unbearable, the house ,401k, etc...
I actually have money left over when I get paid lol, not having to not pay this bill to pay that bill...
not my night tonight, but my 12 year old is at the mall, she texted me, I said hey maybe i'll meet you and buy you and your friends ice cream, she was like YES!
I read a few other posts and remember that was me crying every night, thinking I don't want to live, etc.. it's so hard, i'm not 100 percent , but I hope to offer someone what others offered me soon enough...
thank you to everyone who offered support along this rocky road, it really meant the world....
It took me a few years to get used to being alone. Now that I've realised who I am, and am comfortable with that, it's not nearly so daunting. In fact, I love my alone time.
Still have times I wish it hadn't all come tumbling down but it passes pretty quickly when I think about what it would be like if I still lived with him.
Good on you for working out. I used to walk a lot in the early years after I moved out. Exercise is great for you.
So glad you're seeing so much of your kids.
love and hugs
kamary
I see your from Boston - Save your money because your going to need it for snow removal ha ha ha...
In all seriousness, things will flatten out now that all the hard stuff is done and my guess is she'll be asking you to take the kids on your off nights. Something is just telling me that. Do what your doing and keep yourself in your children's forefront. You'll be ok. Time will make it better.
Sending you lots of support! Enjoy the summer, because they are way too short :)