stwh.. You are not alone, I am seriously thinking about it. The only thing that is stopping me in my tracks is my son (two grands), my oldest daughter (baby due on Feb. 3rd) and youngest daughter (two grands), I don't think I can go more than two days without seeing them. We are very close and I know I will not live in peace if I move long distance. Although they are grown, I would miss seeing my grands as much as I do.

My cousin lives 500 miles away and wants me to come and do a trial run after New Year's. I will give it a try, but she already told me she "didn't think I would be able to leave my family to move that fare, we are toooo close."

It is amazing how these selfish self-centered people can cause such an uproot in our lives.


It is amazing how these selfish and self centered people can cause such an uproot in our lives.

I have a 22 year old son and his four year old daughter still living with me. My ex and I were helping them out when she decided to leave she didn't want them. And since the ex left his girlfriend has moved in. My life is a total mess.I told them I have to sell the house and they need to get an apartment and that I'd help them get started with some of the money from the sell of the house. They seem to get along good and it would be good for the grandaughter to be more like a normal family.

Lostwh I'm sorry. I know the feelings you mention. I am alone. No friends call. Funny I have been thinking the same thing, I wish I never married him. I had so much ambition, feel like I traded that for my family, & now he stole that too. Never looked into the process, but wild thoughts of annulment go through my mind. I too wish I could move away but ex would never agree to my son changing school districts. It is truly amazing as you say how 1 selfish individual can cause such uproot in others lives, even their own children. They should have to answer for that. You are in my thoughts & prayers. Hugs to you.

(((lostwh))) I still struggle with going to things alone. I think it may be one of the last things I have to learn how to cope with and overcome, so it must be the most difficult for me. Part of the problem is that I've been left with a fear of rejection which makes it hard to be myself when I'm out.

I think you're very lucky that you have friends who invite you out. Maybe more of the same will make it easier in time? What if you were to invite them and maybe another few friends out next week? I've just started to try inviting others to do things again after a couple of years of keeping pretty quiet.

I can see your thinking about your son and his need to live with his own little family unit. That time comes for all of us. I can also see that time alone for you will give you more time for the healing process. Just be careful not to do the hermit, ok? Stay in their lives and visit each other. Continue to allow that family feeling to happen.

You sound a little bit as though you're in need of a holiday. Any chance of a week or so away somewhere? With or without your son and his little family. I thoroughly enjoyed a couple of weeks away one time and it helped me to find a fresh way forward afterwards.

love and hugs
kamary

Kamary.....I'd love to get away for a few days, but right now finances won't allow it. I was hoping to do some volunteer work after I move and get settled to keep from being alone too much and help others.

After 5 years of living alone, I often feel a shadow walking by me. In a room full of people I often feel more alone than actually being alone. At other times I go out and have a great time. I keep busy at work where no shadow comes. If you never go out or accept invitations, people will stop inviting you. That would make the loneliness worse. Keeping busy is the key. Being open to invitations and new experiences is also recommended. I have 5 invitations for New Year's Eve and have not committed to any of them. I know that I should and I most likely will, whether I want to go or not. It's all in your head and your head needs to retrain just like anything new we pursue in life. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are in good company. We understand what you are going through - so many do not. Giving you a "little" push.

Oh well, maybe a mental holiday would work. Read a book you've always wanted to read or watch a couple of comedy movies while you eat holiday food and relax? I like your idea of doing some volunteer work after you move.

love and hugs
kamary

It's called humiliation - what happened to you was a huge hit to your ego. I know that for me, It's been 2 1/2 years since he left, and I'm still humiliated at times and would rather just stay home. It is getting better though. Count your blessings. You have a lot of people around you that love you and want you with them. Just be nice and tell them your not ready yet, but to keep on asking. One of these times you will go out and really be happy. It will happen, you'll see. Until then, concentrate on getting your head in the right place. Trust us, it really does get better! Oh, and just so you know - you can post on here 100 times a day if you want to - that's what it is for!

It's gotten better for me, but the feeling does still pop up and pretending to be happy when you are surrounded by couples is awful.
Any single friends? When this started I told my counselor I didn't have any single friends. I did, I just didn't realize I did! All my time had been spent on making my X happy (impossible). I have since nurtured these friendships and it makes life so much better! In my marriage, very little was for "me" and I truly treasure these friends.
Still go out with close friends where I'm the only single in the group-so it does get better.

I'm still having that problem. I feel fortunate that my couple friends still invite me out, but I feel lonely when I am with them. I still haven't found any single women friends I feel that connection to. I do accept invitations from couple friends and single women acquaintances and it is better to be out than home alone, but I also know that feeling of not feeling connected to the fun like I used to be. Sometimes I count the minutes until I can be back home, so I don't have to force myself to smile.

It is just part of the healing process. I remember having the "alone in a crowded room" feeling during my separation and divorce, but that feeling eventually fades. You really have to make the effort of keep going out. Start striking up conversations with people.

Like Lori63, I also thought there were no single people out there. Now I am amazed at how many single people I meet. Some of these people have become friends so that's been a bonus.

Keep going out, it really does help in the healing process.

Sending hugs of courage!!

Go on New Year's Eve. It will be hard but facing this hurdle is better and has to be done. I didn't have a lot of friends as I hung with my Ex's friends. But I learned to develop friendship and nurture them. It's hard when at times I am the only single of the group but I am developing more and more friendships with singles and it does help.

As time and healing continues...you will start to feel more comfortable about being single. I mostly feel ok about my singleness but still do avoid situations where I stick out like a sore thumb. Example...if I am invited to a function where there is only couples...depending on who they are...I respectfully decline due to prior engagements...sometimes that is true and other times...not so much. You will find...as time goes by...this will become less of an issue. Singleness is widely accepted and actually part of the norm. You will get to the point where you celebrate your singleness...Big Hugs...Kathy

I spent a day with my exSIL recently. We talked about that feeling of shame and humiliation, of feeling somehow less-than. She's not divorced but she is estranged from her 2 boys.

One thing we have both recently read about is the notion of loving yourself despite what others are doing or have done to us. Part of finding our own inner love for ourselves involves allowing the feelings that come up, and working through them. I used to do this all the time when I first left my ex and during the estrangements (which have now come to an end, thank goodnesss). Somehow I got out of that habit but I intend to start doing it again now in an attempt to get through this fear of going out alone.

Every time you feel sad, mad, annoyed or negative in any way, allow that feeling to have its head and get as full of that feeling as you can get. Then sit quietly and let your thoughts wash through. Just let them keep on flowing no matter what they are. Follow threads, and just let it all flow until you're all finished with that feeling and you feel a bit numb or as if you've cleared that feeling from yourself. In this way, you are honouring your real self and facing your inner fears. You may discover some fears are from childhood and simply rememering how they came into being helps to heal. You need to do this as often as the feelings come up, until one day, you'll realise they aren't coming up much any more:)

Hope this will work for you as it does for me. Will keep you posted re the fear of social interaction.

love and hugs
kamary

I have remained friends with several of our "couple" friends. I am grateful for their friendship and support, and enjoy getting together with them. However, it makes me remember all the times my ex and I together were a part of the group and it makes me sad. But it is getting better. I used to come home and cry. Now, I just feel a twinge of sadness, but I still have a good time. I have also developed some new friendships with single women. That has helped a lot. What you're feeling is normal and part of the process of healing and transitioning to life as a single person. With time, it will get easier and not bother you as much.