Some of you know that my ex will be marrying his affair partner on May 24th. As that dates looms ever closer, I have been feeling more sadness and grief. I've come a long way in these two short years since my life turned upside down. Like so many of you, I've been a frequent flyer on the roller coaster of emotions. Then, I had reached a point where I felt pretty good most days and wasn't dwelling on the past. But, these last couple of weeks, as that date on the calendar approaches, I've been experiencing more grief than I expected. While I know that my ex didn't love me and that he wasn't the man I thought he was, I feel angry that he gets to be so happy while I am still trying to put myself back together after the bomb he dropped exploded. What bothers me most is that my son will be there, along with my ex's family, going along with the celebration. His family has welcomed the OW with open arms, which still hurts but I'm learning to accept it. I fear that my son will, likewise, accept her and maybe even grow to love her. Perhaps I can eventually accept that reality, but for now, it causes me a great deal of pain. I know he wants to be there for his father. But, it's hard for me to envision him toasting the happy couple after everything that has happened. I realize that these are merely thoughts and cannot cause me harm unless I allow them to, but lately I seem incapable of stopping them. I'm relieved that my daughter was not able to go, though I know in her heart that she wanted to be there. Still, it helps to know that my ex won't have everything he wanted. He's had so much of that already.

On days when I feel strong and at peace, I can and do wish him well. When the darkness rolls in, I start to feel less generous in spirit. I think I'll feel much better when it's just over and done with. For now, my emotions are all over the place. At times, I even fantasize about him canceling the wedding to reconcile with me. Then, I realize the folly in that and let it go. If I didn't know better, I'd be wondering if I suffered from multiple personality disorder. How can one event that really has nothing to do with me and is no surprise at all cause this much turmoil for me? Has anyone else been through this? Does it get better after the wedding is over?

I know kamary has talked a lot about the loss of the dream - the dream of living out your life with the father of your children, retiring, and waltzing off into the sunset together. I feel that very palpably right now. I think it's more intense because I'm not having any luck in the romance department myself. Perhaps if I had moved on in that way, I might be less affected. Who knows?

I've read hundreds of books on divorce, loss, grief, etc., including Vikki Stark's book, Runaway Husbands. I'm just wondering what happened with her husband and his mistress/wife? What happened to the other men I've heard and read about who abandoned their wives after so many years of marriage? Did their marriages to their affair partners last? I seem to want my ex's marriage to the OW to fail far more than I like to admit. I know the stats on divorce in second and third marriages, but I want to know real life examples. I guess it makes me feel moderately better to think that he might have to endure the loneliness, sadness, and grief that I have endured. When I get stuck in these thought patterns, I realize that I have more work to do in the forgiveness department. I'm a work in progress.

I'm asking for your prayers and any advice you may have to help me get through this event. You've all been so supportive and generous with your thoughts and ideas and experiences. I can't thank you enough!

Kim