Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
Some of you know that my ex will be marrying his affair partner on May 24th. As that dates looms ever closer, I have been feeling more sadness and grief. I've come a long way in these two short years since my life turned upside down. Like so many of you, I've been a frequent flyer on the roller coaster of emotions. Then, I had reached a point where I felt pretty good most days and wasn't dwelling on the past. But, these last couple of weeks, as that date on the calendar approaches, I've been experiencing more grief than I expected. While I know that my ex didn't love me and that he wasn't the man I thought he was, I feel angry that he gets to be so happy while I am still trying to put myself back together after the bomb he dropped exploded. What bothers me most is that my son will be there, along with my ex's family, going along with the celebration. His family has welcomed the OW with open arms, which still hurts but I'm learning to accept it. I fear that my son will, likewise, accept her and maybe even grow to love her. Perhaps I can eventually accept that reality, but for now, it causes me a great deal of pain. I know he wants to be there for his father. But, it's hard for me to envision him toasting the happy couple after everything that has happened. I realize that these are merely thoughts and cannot cause me harm unless I allow them to, but lately I seem incapable of stopping them. I'm relieved that my daughter was not able to go, though I know in her heart that she wanted to be there. Still, it helps to know that my ex won't have everything he wanted. He's had so much of that already.
On days when I feel strong and at peace, I can and do wish him well. When the darkness rolls in, I start to feel less generous in spirit. I think I'll feel much better when it's just over and done with. For now, my emotions are all over the place. At times, I even fantasize about him canceling the wedding to reconcile with me. Then, I realize the folly in that and let it go. If I didn't know better, I'd be wondering if I suffered from multiple personality disorder. How can one event that really has nothing to do with me and is no surprise at all cause this much turmoil for me? Has anyone else been through this? Does it get better after the wedding is over?
I know kamary has talked a lot about the loss of the dream - the dream of living out your life with the father of your children, retiring, and waltzing off into the sunset together. I feel that very palpably right now. I think it's more intense because I'm not having any luck in the romance department myself. Perhaps if I had moved on in that way, I might be less affected. Who knows?
I've read hundreds of books on divorce, loss, grief, etc., including Vikki Stark's book, Runaway Husbands. I'm just wondering what happened with her husband and his mistress/wife? What happened to the other men I've heard and read about who abandoned their wives after so many years of marriage? Did their marriages to their affair partners last? I seem to want my ex's marriage to the OW to fail far more than I like to admit. I know the stats on divorce in second and third marriages, but I want to know real life examples. I guess it makes me feel moderately better to think that he might have to endure the loneliness, sadness, and grief that I have endured. When I get stuck in these thought patterns, I realize that I have more work to do in the forgiveness department. I'm a work in progress.
I'm asking for your prayers and any advice you may have to help me get through this event. You've all been so supportive and generous with your thoughts and ideas and experiences. I can't thank you enough!
Kim
On days when I feel strong and at peace, I can and do wish him well. When the darkness rolls in, I start to feel less generous in spirit. I think I'll feel much better when it's just over and done with. For now, my emotions are all over the place. At times, I even fantasize about him canceling the wedding to reconcile with me. Then, I realize the folly in that and let it go. If I didn't know better, I'd be wondering if I suffered from multiple personality disorder. How can one event that really has nothing to do with me and is no surprise at all cause this much turmoil for me? Has anyone else been through this? Does it get better after the wedding is over?
I know kamary has talked a lot about the loss of the dream - the dream of living out your life with the father of your children, retiring, and waltzing off into the sunset together. I feel that very palpably right now. I think it's more intense because I'm not having any luck in the romance department myself. Perhaps if I had moved on in that way, I might be less affected. Who knows?
I've read hundreds of books on divorce, loss, grief, etc., including Vikki Stark's book, Runaway Husbands. I'm just wondering what happened with her husband and his mistress/wife? What happened to the other men I've heard and read about who abandoned their wives after so many years of marriage? Did their marriages to their affair partners last? I seem to want my ex's marriage to the OW to fail far more than I like to admit. I know the stats on divorce in second and third marriages, but I want to know real life examples. I guess it makes me feel moderately better to think that he might have to endure the loneliness, sadness, and grief that I have endured. When I get stuck in these thought patterns, I realize that I have more work to do in the forgiveness department. I'm a work in progress.
I'm asking for your prayers and any advice you may have to help me get through this event. You've all been so supportive and generous with your thoughts and ideas and experiences. I can't thank you enough!
Kim
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I had gone to the grocery store. When I wheeled my cartback to my car I just stool there a minute. A few spacesaway a Tesla Cyber truck was parked. I had seen it on theroad a few times for a few seconds. But not close up.It looked like it belonged to 2126 and not 2026. I wasgoing to take a picture of the car but the owners cameback and drove away. It was an ordinary middle age...
Knowing that 'he' is happy and getting on with a new life with someone else, makes me feel lonely, unloved, unwanted and worthless again - all the feelings I endured, on and off, for so long in my marriage with him. The way I'm feeling isn't about him. It's about how I feel about myself at the moment.
I'm sure it will pass if I let myself feel the true feelings inside, and do the healing.
I 'get' all the fears about your kids liking her and being happy with them, too. In fact, my second daughter has told me she thinks ow will help improve her relationship with her dad!
I know it's hard to consider when you're in the throws of the hurt and grief, but down the track, think about making your relationships with your kids all about you and them. When you're with them, try to put the ex out of your mind. He is no competition for your role of mother. You will always be their mother and no one - repeat - no one can replace you unless you opt out of that role yourself. Even then, your kids will always think of you as their mum. Even if there's no contact or you're arguing, they will always want their mum to be their mum.
big love and huge hugs. I guess this is in front of me some day as well.
kamary xxxxx
My best friend Nancy was divorced about 7 years ago. She has an adopted daughter, now 15, who has special needs. Her ex moved in with a co-worker that she knew for a long time. He was married to her last year. It was so very painful for Nancy as her daughter spent weekends and some holidays with them. Her daughter was so resentful of the new wife for a long time but now is beginning to love her and considers her 'family" now. That hurts my friend but she always said that she wants her daughter to be happy and being with her dad and new family does make her happier now. Nancy still struggles with the why does she get to be without her intact family and this new woman gets it all - the same woman who he was involved with when their marriage ended. But Nancy is moving on and got a graduate degree in horticulture (which she loves) and quit being a full-time pharmacist. She has a great attitude and said it is easier now and she doesn't think about the situation most of the time. After their wedding, Nancy gradually became so much better. The hardest day was their wedding day and I called her and she went out with some friends. I would have loved to be there for her but we live 3 states away from each other.
So the moral of this long story is that it will get better. That day will be so tough so make plans to do something that will occupy your mind. Once it is over you get think about it less and less each day. I think the anticipation of the wedding taking place is the worst part. I am still fretting like crazy about seeing my ex at the park for my GS's 4th birthday party. I hate that he will be there but my daughter wants him there.
Please let us all know how you are doing and go out that day! Be with someone rather than being sad all alone.
Hugs and love,
Donna
I have no idea if my ex has someone because there is absolutely no contact with him and the kids or me. It's so weird that you wrote this today. I was dropping my daughter off at work and just like always a thought about him came out of no where. I saw an image in my head of him happy with someone else. I was like wait, what is this God awful pain in my stomach? okay... now I feel nauseous, what the heck is happening? Then the thoughts stared spinning out of control. I literally saw them walking on the beach, traveling, him holding her and being happy. How did I see all of this when I don't even know if it's real" This imagined woman was very real in my head. I pulled over and prayed til it all left. That is what just the thought does so I can only imagine what some of you must be feeling and going through. You are in my prayers.
I could totally relate to everything you wrote. I think you elegantly put out there what so many of us feel and think about and don't say. I wish someone could address that part of your post that asks what happens to them? Are they all successful and happy? Did they last? I will add: DO THEY EVER REGRET IT??? I can honestly say I have not yet heard of one story where they regret it or fail. Seems so damn unfair! They destroy lives, and before we can even clean up the carnage and rebuild they have new lives and have "replaced" us.
Misred, I have never had anything so simple yet profound resonate with me the way your reply did. It snapped me right out of illogical thinking at least for today :D. Thank you!!!
Makes one wonder about saying such as " what goes around comes around" and " treat others how you want to be treated" and "you reap what you sow" or karma is a you know what! none of it seems true not in anything I have read or seen. I truly don't understand it. Hugs Kim and prayers I'm sorry I can't offer much else but I can relate to everything you said and all that you are feeling. It's all gotta get better it just has to.
What DID bother me was that all three of my sons attended. Really made me sick that they attended to see their dad pledge love and loyalty (lololol) to the woman who contributed to the break up of their family. Their dad's affair and on again off again pledge to their mom (me!) to save the marriage etc.etc. was such a sham that I now recognize that what he put me through was equivalent to emotional torture! My kids saw me have a breakdown over all of this. And they went to his wedding?! THIS I struggled with, and still have not reconciled. If he met her AFTER the marriage ended, well, whole different story. But it never happens like that, does it?!
I heard through my oldest son that my youngest son began to cry during the ceremony (he was 19 yrs old last year and 17 when his dad left) and had to leave almost immediately upon its conclusion, and that this was noticed by many including the happy couple. Felt AWFUL for my son ..... I think he was NOT ready to be there and should not have attended. He took the break up the hardest. And yet....I guess he wanted to please his dad, in being there. I think sons are sometimes more forgivng than daughters, but just an opinion!
These cheating losers feel the need to PROVE that what they did with their home wrecking and cheating was for TRUE LOVE and it's so very real that, hey look, they're even getting married!!!! So it really wasn't so bad, right?! Nobody buys this. It's all a sham. But it happens. I'm so very sorry for you, but it's just another bump in the road. Like you said, the stats are against their union lasting. Beginning a COMMITTED (Ha) life together that was built on lies and deceit? I wouldn't want that for anything.
Your kids are just trying to support their dad because they still love him. It's NOT about her or even the marriage. They don't want to lose their dad. Glad your daughter can't go - I'm willing to bet anything that she would have found it very emotional and difficult. Think about it: it must be so weird to see you mom or dad marry someone else when there is and was so much pain involved in the end of theidr own intact family. And little healing time to boot! These cheaters and their 'others' are totally selfish.....gee, I wonder how THAT will contribute to their future happiness ;) You win princess, YOU WIN! HE is the loser.
Iammine, I am so very sorry that you had to endure your sons being at your ex's wedding, too. I truly feel for you, on a visceral level. I know my children are both afraid to lose their father. They both watched helplessly as he kicked me out of our home the day he shattered our family. I will never get their terrified faces out of my head, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I'm certain that they are afraid they will be tossed away, too.
I saw this tonight as I was looking for answers and thought it might help some of us here.
http://narcraiders.wordpress.com/2013/02/19/narcissists-marriage-the-other-woman-and-misconceptions/
I particularly liked the following:
"There is primary supply and secondary supply and a narcissist will interchange the statuses of the supply stock according to his whims. A wife becomes secondary supply the moment she says: “I do” she may not be aware of it, high off the happy love fumes, but slowly without being aware of it, she is broken down bit by bit by bit until she is operating within a shell of herself."
When I read this, I felt as though lightening struck me. I could be the poster child for that paragraph. I know a good many of you here could as well. Without going into graphic detail, my ex changed immediately after our wedding. He acted as though he wanted nothing to do with me. This eroded my self-esteem and caused a great deal of damage. In talking with my therapist and other betrayed wives, I see this pattern emerge over and over again. I have never been able to understand this fully. But, this paragraph helps a lot. I see now that my ex's marriage to the OW is likely to end much the same way ours did - with his cheating and lying and discarding her just as he did to me.
Hopefully this will help some of you who are or will be in this circumstance in the not too distant future. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for your love, compassion, and support.
With heartfelt gratitude,
Kim
Sending you love, prayers, and hugs. Also gratitude for the insight you shared about narcissists - yes, me too, reading it, I felt the lightening strike, with a new understanding of everything that was wrong in my marriage.
Stay strong and be kind to yourself!
When you're feeling vulnerable, re-read the article to remind yourself the ex is no prize. Hand over the booby prize to the new bride and wish them the best of luck. It's her turn to "walk down therapy lane".
I agree with something Donna said. The buildup and the actual wedding day are the absolute worst, and afterwards the pain and focus on it lessens dramatically. I don't have first hand experience with my ex marrying, but I've noticed it with other painful dates, such as my 22year wedding anniversary. My guts were in a twist for a solid week, and the day after the anniversary, it was like a weight was lifted.
Very special prayers and hugs to you
For you, my dear, I am sending up prayers and positive thoughts. The X and the OW didn't last a year past our final divorce and it didn't surprise me one bit. Word on the street is that once he showed her who he REALLY was, she dropped him like a hot potato. Karma. Karma.
You will get through it -- it just takes time -- and gaining some confidence in the fact that YOU will now lead a richer, fuller life! This is YOUR TIME to rediscover yourself and all the things you like to do -- things you may have long forgotten about. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. xoxo