Good article which underscored everything I already knew. But this point REALLY hit the nail on the head for me, as it was the now-X's "classic" excuse:

THE SNIPE HUNT FOR HAPPINESS

I find this the saddest reason for infidelity. In this case, a person is truly unhappy and, rather than address the issue internally where it resides, they begin a snipe hunt for happiness, looking for it in external things and often, people. This affair is not driven by something missing in the marriage; it’s powered by something missing in the person. And, what makes it sad to me is that while they are on a winless quest for happiness, they steal joy from others along the way.

Yes, a good article, thanks Kim. I particularly gel with the idea that those who withdraw are effectively closing the door on any chance of improving their marriage.

My dad withdrew inside the marriage and it was very painful to watch my mother as she tried so hard to make everyone happy - especially him! When I realised I living out the same situation, that I was being my mum all over again, I couldn't bear the thought of living the rest of my life like that.

I think it would have been better for me if my ex had left me when he made his decision to withdraw and have affairs. I think I would have been better off than staying in that shell of a marriage, the only one trying to make it work, the only one truly loving.

love and hugs
kamary

Didn't read the article, for me once I realized that my cheating wife has no desire to see me as a human being it made it easy to stop asking why, I have no desire to understand a selfish monster, a monster that could smear her hands all over her adulterous partner and kiss him god where and then touch my kids with her self soiled hands and kiss my kids with her filthy mouth and do it repeatedly...
No I hope to not understand that or to feel the coldness at get core

There are 2 types of cheaters.., those that cheat without remorse or contrition--- they are ray to understand as they as soulless monsters, the other type are those that see and can feel for those they have hurt --- those type , I do wonder why and how and for those type I feel sorry for as it must be a tough thing to see that they were the cause of such misery , I honestly admire any of them that "come cocoa" and try to do the right thing

Really interesting article and yes, a lot of it made sense. The other articles mentioned on the page were good too. Especially liked the one on the upside of betrayal.

Great article! Kim you post some really helpful stuff and you are a real blessing. ((((( hug)))))

I enjoyed The Upside to Betrayal....especially the Clarity section. That was the turning point for me. When I got solid proof and realized that I wasn't "crazy". That led immediately to acceptance and moving on.

This is a great blog and I spent some time reading other articles as well as the one you linked to Kim - thanks!

Re CGK's ref to the "hunt for happiness" excuse. Yep, I'm pretty sure that was what prompted the ex to vamoosh. So sad that some people are SO emotionally weak or bereft or whatever that they project and act OUTWARDS and hurt other people, instead of making the effort to journey inside themselves. Their "new" lives are doomed to failure because of this fatal flaw. I feel certain of this!

The post called "It's not Fraud if You're Married" should be required reading for EVERY couple getting married, and is an example of why each partner in a marriage should be fully aware of shared financing - and there should be NO password protected financial records online or otherwise. Truly scary.

I always said that you are responsible for yourself. What you do, say or think. No one can make you really happy, if you are not a happy person. Marriage is tough but if handle with care it could be beautiful too, Those that stray will use every excuse under the sun to justify themselves.

Thanks for sharing. I signed up for her blog.....always looking for wisdom.

I want to add : It's not Fraud if You're Married" nor is it SNOOPING !!!!