Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
Do a large number collect alimony? I was married, legally 29 years when divorce went through. I collect spousal support. Okay, put it this way....he was court ordered and garnished through employer to pay spousal support.
Do I get it regularly? Hell, no! See, I know his employer as well as he does. Yes, they have a garnishment but if he tells them so hold off a week or so they will. The fact that he only has to pay once in a 30 day period is a bunch of bull. But that is the law. The csea won't step in and fine them if at least one payment is received in a 30 day period. Even if it was set up weekly because that is how his pays flow. I know, legally, I can step in and file contempt charges. When I get close to doing so, he usually sends 2 checks within days of each other. He knows the fine line he's crossing yet keeps crossing it.
I realize this is my life from the time of the divorce til he dies. (No I plan to outlive him and collect his social security. lol) I have to adapt. He will continue to have this control. The only difference is he will not get the response he wants from me. Until that line is crossed and the court steps in. He keeps pushing and I will go back. The only thing stopping me is the judge who presided didn't penalize him for all he did during proceedings that he wasn't permitted to do. So will she just shrug this off too???
Any wise words of wisdom?
On another note, my ex SIL contacted me. She has been very, very ill. I'm talking possible lung transplants. I adored her my whole married life. We chatted briefly. It was nice hearing from her. She asked about me, my sons, my grandson. She said she had been thinking of me and praying because she was worried. (has exass said something to make her feel that way.) I praised that I am doing great as are the rest of "my" little family. She commented he doesn't talk about me any more (thank you Lord) but just wants the sons back in his life. Sorry. Don't foresee that happening any time soon. They are happy. They refuse to talk about him. They are 28/26 so pretty much old enough to decide. I said nothing about him but that she knew some of what I went through and if his family chooses to believe his lies and his false image that is their problem. That was it. Rest of conversation was about my grandson. I miss her but it isn't something I will do regularly. She did ask me to visit.
So how do some of you deal with the ex-in-laws?
Do I get it regularly? Hell, no! See, I know his employer as well as he does. Yes, they have a garnishment but if he tells them so hold off a week or so they will. The fact that he only has to pay once in a 30 day period is a bunch of bull. But that is the law. The csea won't step in and fine them if at least one payment is received in a 30 day period. Even if it was set up weekly because that is how his pays flow. I know, legally, I can step in and file contempt charges. When I get close to doing so, he usually sends 2 checks within days of each other. He knows the fine line he's crossing yet keeps crossing it.
I realize this is my life from the time of the divorce til he dies. (No I plan to outlive him and collect his social security. lol) I have to adapt. He will continue to have this control. The only difference is he will not get the response he wants from me. Until that line is crossed and the court steps in. He keeps pushing and I will go back. The only thing stopping me is the judge who presided didn't penalize him for all he did during proceedings that he wasn't permitted to do. So will she just shrug this off too???
Any wise words of wisdom?
On another note, my ex SIL contacted me. She has been very, very ill. I'm talking possible lung transplants. I adored her my whole married life. We chatted briefly. It was nice hearing from her. She asked about me, my sons, my grandson. She said she had been thinking of me and praying because she was worried. (has exass said something to make her feel that way.) I praised that I am doing great as are the rest of "my" little family. She commented he doesn't talk about me any more (thank you Lord) but just wants the sons back in his life. Sorry. Don't foresee that happening any time soon. They are happy. They refuse to talk about him. They are 28/26 so pretty much old enough to decide. I said nothing about him but that she knew some of what I went through and if his family chooses to believe his lies and his false image that is their problem. That was it. Rest of conversation was about my grandson. I miss her but it isn't something I will do regularly. She did ask me to visit.
So how do some of you deal with the ex-in-laws?
-
-
I had gone to the grocery store. When I wheeled my cartback to my car I just stool there a minute. A few spacesaway a Tesla Cyber truck was parked. I had seen it on theroad a few times for a few seconds. But not close up.It looked like it belonged to 2126 and not 2026. I wasgoing to take a picture of the car but the owners cameback and drove away. It was an ordinary middle age...
There is something inherently WRONG with that. You definitely need to have this looked into. His employer is SUPPOSED TO carry out the court order to the letter and obviously, they are not.
And yes, go ahead and file contempt charges -- go to court even IF he real quick pays up -- you already have enough evidence to show a PATTERN of delayed or non-payment and the court should quickly step in to change that pattern. From where I sit, your X continues to do this as a way to continually jerk your chain. Don't let him keep doing this! The law is on your side and persistence pays off!
When he finally does slip up and get two months late the court will slap him on the hand and order him to pay you. The ex did this in some form three times and I took him to court each time. Each time we finally found him to be served he owed me thousands. The third and last time he was looking at jail time.
I can't say anything about ex in laws. I was blessed with an ex who wasn't close to any of his family and we never lived near them.
I do have a little nest egg saved. Not in the bank. My bills are paid to date but I like to pay what I can ahead because of this issue. Next week I will be running close. And yes, he loves to pull my chain. But I don't let him know I react.
Anyways, his payments are taken directly out of his paychecks on payday by our county service. His employer has nothing to do with it.
What does your attny say?
I still see some of my EX in laws. A brother in law has several times invited me and the kids to his home. I don't accept though. I do get together with his sister. She changed jobs so I don't get to see her as often as before. I also have been getting together with his Mom for lunch. She gives me birthday gift cards and was genuinely happy for me when I remarried. I send her a Mothers Day card and Christmas card every year. We do not talk about the EX and if it is it's not really "talking about him" if that makes sense. I encourage you to reconnect with your EX-Sil. Just don't talk about the ex or his slow payments
As for ex in-laws, I do see my XMIL from time to time. She never let me go, but I avoid seeing her for the most part. I also went to her apartment once only to see a huge family picture taken probably the year her son remarried (2009). I felt entirely replaced. My children were in it along with the new stepkids and her other children and grandchildren. I had been part of that family for almost 30 years, so it stung. I know I will never go to her apartment again. Just a HUGE reminder that I was replaced. She also brings up her son who I do not care to hear about, so I just only see her when we go to something of my grandson's. He's in an open adoption and she and I are the only ones who have remained in his life of his maternal biological family. He's now 11 and looks just like my ex (who hasn't seen him since he was born). I was like a daughter to her for almost 30 years, so that's not an easy bond to break. I also remain close to one of my XSIL who totally sided with me during the divorce. We bonded back in 1990 and we remain close to this day.
I went through csea so I didn't have to "wait" on his checks. As you can see from recent gripes, that isn't working so well either. Only difference is they keep a running total of all arrears. In reasoning all this, I know it is so I will contact. Not happening. I will wait to see if check shows up. I won't let it go long. As long as bills are paid, I will be patient.
One good thing the judge did do is give me a non-ending date for support. He wasn't happy about that. Inwardly I was grinning and laughing at this. He only get off if I remarried OR have a non-male relative move in. I foresee neither happening.
The IL's are pretty much an iffy. I know my ex SIL will welcome me. Her hubby, ex BIL< will probably be nice but I know he believes all that comes out of his asshole bro's mouth. But if I go it will be with one or both of my sons. They won't let him praise dear old dad and won't let him dog their mom. Safety in numbers right?
We didn't make our friends choose who to still be friends with, why should we force a choice on the rest of our families? We don't visit as a couple, but I don't foresee trouble for weddings, funerals, etc.
Luckily, and I know it from reading so many of the stories here, we are able to be civil, even friendly, around each other, so I think that helps others from getting too uncomfortable too.
I love my mother in law and would miss not seeing her, she's bright and funny and we enjoy each other. If you like your sister in law, get together with her. If her husband's a pain, meet just her for coffee or lunch.
Find out what agency to notify that you are not getting your checks on time. That would be the way to start first. Then go after your ex.
My philosophy is....if you go to court and the judge decides how things are, then that should be as it goes. So if the court won't back me up and enforce then what now? Why make these orders if you give a little slack to the offender?
I would hate to put out any money to go to court and then have the ex pay up before the hearing and get off on the money I had to spend for nothing. My atty did say to wait until he was at least two months behind before we even thought about filing. By the time we got my ex served he was many months behind.
My thoughts exactly on rules should be followed. Unfortunately even the courts don't follow their own rules. I had to have an emergency fund that would maintain this farm for a year. I was constantly having to put off repairs and then have to play catch up when I did get my money. Totally wrecks a budget.
I learned to just accept the ex would not pay the correct amount or not pay at all. When the amount got high enough to bite him in the behind I would go back to court. Try to find a way around his late payments that won't upset you because you know you will eventually get your money. He knows you well and is probably getting a good laugh thinking about how upset you will be. Don't mention his late payments to anyone. Just quietly go about your life and then nail him when he gets far enough behind.
I feel good. No money but still feel more relaxed today. Every day I do what I can to relieve the stress if it builds up. My little 2' bundle of energy is my salvation. Can't be stressed when I look into those precious eyes. Daddy had errand so I got to see him today which normally my day away from him. He keeps me happy. I thank the good Lord every day for the perfect timing of bringing him into my life. (just one month after divorce!)