Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
I’ve been married 17 years this November. My husband told me a month ago he didn’t think he was in love with me anymore and from that day everything changed. He gave me a myriad of excuses and also said he didn’t know why he was feeling the way he was feeling. He also said he didn’t think he was the marrying kind anymore. He quickly became cold and distant. He began sleeping on the couch and treating me as a stranger. What gets me is…everyday he would say he loved me and he could see himself being with me until we were in our golden years. I don’t understand how he could say all those wonderful things and then leave.
A week ago he moved out, and since then there has been minimal conversations he’s wanted to have with me. He seems very angry. He’s told me that I haven’t done anything wrong in the relationship and says I was a great wife and mother.
The problem I have is it came out of nowhere. I thought our relationship was fine. We, definitely, had the common marriage woes, but I thought it would be alright. What marriage doesn’t have disagreements and arguments from time to time?
The thing is.... this isn’t the first time he has left me. He left me for another woman exactly 10 years ago (2002). It happened in the same way it’s happening now. I feel as if I’m going through dejavu. He says he isn’t seeing anyone else, but I don’t know what to believe.
I don’t know what is harder…..this time or the time before.
I guess I’m just venting. I found this site this morning and wanted to share.
A week ago he moved out, and since then there has been minimal conversations he’s wanted to have with me. He seems very angry. He’s told me that I haven’t done anything wrong in the relationship and says I was a great wife and mother.
The problem I have is it came out of nowhere. I thought our relationship was fine. We, definitely, had the common marriage woes, but I thought it would be alright. What marriage doesn’t have disagreements and arguments from time to time?
The thing is.... this isn’t the first time he has left me. He left me for another woman exactly 10 years ago (2002). It happened in the same way it’s happening now. I feel as if I’m going through dejavu. He says he isn’t seeing anyone else, but I don’t know what to believe.
I don’t know what is harder…..this time or the time before.
I guess I’m just venting. I found this site this morning and wanted to share.
And I am falling off my chair laughing at what you said he is telling you: "He said if he has to pay the mortgage, he's not paying me child support."
To THAT you say "You can believe whatever you choose, but you WILL PAY CHILD SUPPORT."
This is why you need to get in touch with an attorney IMMEDIATELY. Your H is an ass and already acting according to The Script (the 100% Predictable Things Men Do When They Cheat).
Girl, don't just THINK about talking to a lawyer DO IT! Find out what you are entitled to and don't talk to him about settlement any more until you do. There is a saying that goes "if it walks like a duck and sounds like a duck.....it's a duck." We here see you are married to a duck. He is posturing himself to take advantage of you and dangling it over your head. Trying to negotiate with him on your own is going to lead to unnecessary pain and suffering. This is your future we are talking about. No one is saying nail his nuts to a tree, we are saying protect yourself and find out what you are entitled to and get your own lawyer. If need be, open up a credit card in just your name to pay your retainer.
Sadly, he probably has another woman on the side. I also offered my ex a chance to come back just to stay in the home until we divorced. He adamantly said no. I realized he couldn't be with the ow. I hope your stbx is not cheating but it doesn't sound good.
I echo the others--get a good attorney and a counselor. Read up on divorce laws in your state and don't agree to ANYTHING without consulting your attorney.
Your stbx is sending the message already that he is going to use threats and intimidation to coerce you into a settlement. Don't listen to his drivel. Lots of stbx's say "I'm not doing this or that" but the LAW has a way of changing their thinking.
Sending healing hugs. Glad you found us. We will walk the journey with you.
IF HIS LIPS ARE MOVING, HE IS LYING!
Beware, my dear. Pull on your suit of armor immediately and hunker down! We are all behind you in this.
I'm glad you're getting a lawyer and starting counselling for you and your kids.
I agree with those who've suggested there's an OW somewhere in this. I had no idea when I became so unhappy that I left, there was already an OW between me and my ex. When one person isn't committed to making the marriage work, the other can do as many cartwheels as they want, it's not going to make any difference.
Good on you for making your decision to move on this time. Giving up the dream will be painful and the divorce process sounds like it's going to be frustrating and difficult with your stbx acting this way already, but know that you will get through it. You do have the strength inside. And you'll find heaps of support here.
The day will come when you know this change has been for the better. Keep your head high, your chin up, love and take care of yourself. If you are religious, lean on your faith as well.
lots of love and many hugs
kamary xxx
You will find ALL KINDS of support here, and be surprised at how similar alot of the stories are.
May the Lord comfort you in your hour of need and accompany you on your quest to reclaim Yourself.
Many Regards.
Welcome and I am so sorry you find yourself here.