Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group

I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...

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nickichina 08/29/2012

I’ve been married 17 years this November. My husband told me a month ago he didn’t think he was in love with me anymore and from that day everything changed. He gave me a myriad of excuses and also said he didn’t know why he was feeling the way he was feeling. He also said he didn’t think he was the marrying kind anymore. He quickly became cold and distant. He began sleeping on the couch and treating me as a stranger. What gets me is…everyday he would say he loved me and he could see himself being with me until we were in our golden years. I don’t understand how he could say all those wonderful things and then leave.

A week ago he moved out, and since then there has been minimal conversations he’s wanted to have with me. He seems very angry. He’s told me that I haven’t done anything wrong in the relationship and says I was a great wife and mother.

The problem I have is it came out of nowhere. I thought our relationship was fine. We, definitely, had the common marriage woes, but I thought it would be alright. What marriage doesn’t have disagreements and arguments from time to time?

The thing is.... this isn’t the first time he has left me. He left me for another woman exactly 10 years ago (2002). It happened in the same way it’s happening now. I feel as if I’m going through dejavu. He says he isn’t seeing anyone else, but I don’t know what to believe.

I don’t know what is harder…..this time or the time before.

I guess I’m just venting. I found this site this morning and wanted to share.

deleted_user 08/29/2012

You certainly found a good place. I give you credit for taking him back the first time. I hate to say that your instincts are probably right. Just keep your guard up and protect yourself and your feelings. If this is the second time he has left you in 17 years, you have to ask youself, if you really would want him back, or try to move forward. I was married for 25 years this past oct. I found out last June, 2011 that there was OW. It was devasting. Still in the process of divorce, which has taken way too long and too much money. Unfortunately, he is very selfish and only thinking of himself. I am trying to figure out how to keep a house over my kids heads. Hang in there and I know you will get some great advice on this site.

nickichina 08/29/2012

Thank you so much lhoff08. And your right, I don't want him back, and I am going to move forward.

Misred 08/29/2012

He isn't revealing everything to you, that is why it's not making sense. You are missing pieces to this puzzle.

Welcome to DS, you have found a great place.

nickichina 08/29/2012

Thank you Misred. I already feel welcome and at home. And your right. I'm feeling that he's being decietful.

dairytech 08/29/2012

((((hugs Nicki))))...I've been where you are right now! I am 3 years post divorce for the 2nd time to the same man. Which one is worse...the 1st time or the 2nd? For me...they both hurt equally but for different reasons. The 2nd time I was a bit more prepared but devastated...the 1st time...just plain devastated. My ex had emotional affairs...or so he claims...he left both times for that reason only this last time...he moved her into what used to be my home and thats just 4 blocks away from where I live now.

I took my ex back after 16 months of being divorced...I rationalized it...once is a mistake...twice is on purpose, so I gave him that 2nd chance. This 2nd time was on purpose. For me...there is absolutely no way I could take him back and believe me...I have entertained that thought. It just cant work. So...hugs to you...you have found a great group of people here at this site...they were my life saver in my early days of this 2nd divorce. Just know...we are here for you...Big Hugs...Kathy

nickichina 08/29/2012

Thank you Kathy. It's strange how identical our experiences are. I took my husband back, the 1st time, after 18 months. As you, the first time was devastating. This time it doesn't seem as bad. I'm definitely hurt, but it's all so familiar. Or am I just fooling myself into trying to get it quicker?

nickichina 08/29/2012

I just ordered a book I've been hearing a lot about.

(Runaway Husbands: The Abandoned Wife's Guide to Recovery and Renewal")

I hope it helps me get through this a little easier.

dairytech 08/29/2012

I think for me...I struggled more the 2nd time. At first I did really well and then the finality of it all set in at about the 6 month mark. The loss of 24 years and especially the loss of the dream. I think that was the hardest. I had the romantic images of us growing old together and playing with our grandchildren...ya know. However...I am doing really well now. I have built a new life for myself and I am mostly pretty happy with how things turned out. There are still times where I miss that " dream " life...but really it was an illusion to begin with. The reality was quite different than the dream. I had to get real with myself. As long as one person wants out or is not happy in the marriage...its simply over and there is nothing you can do about it. I had to ask myself...why would I want to be married to someone who does not want to be married to me. I had to learn to let it all go and move on. Its been hard at times but I'm doing it and you will too...Big Hugs...Kathy

HealingT 08/29/2012

Nicki, I'm sorry you find yourself here, but we welcome you all the same. Many of us have been through a lot of what you are describing. My x told me at least 4 times in our 25 year marriage that he wasn't happy but always denied a OW. Not sure that it really matters in the long run, although it is nice to process the truth if that's possible. If they are not committed to the marriage, the reasons for why they leave are really immaterial. Now it is time for you to start moving forward for you and your children. The first item on your agenda - get a good attorney! This is so important for the outcome of your future. Also, if you haven't gone already, go for some counseling. My counselor has helped me so much this past year. She is a priceless gem in my life. In the early days of separation, I found the idea of journaling too difficult, but now it is very helpful for me. It's a good way to get your feelings about your stbx out of your brain and body, so that you can focus on you. My heart goes out to you as you face this very difficult time. We understand, and we're here for you!
Hugs,
Tracy

tobywinn 08/29/2012

Of course you didn't do anything wrong....he's told you. My guess, he's in MLC and has gotten himself into an affair, he's older, throw in some guilt, anger, blame, and bingo! Nobody uproots a SECURE family home and sudden flash to not loving you without having a little affair buddy waiting. It's often the catalysts.

He'll refuse all sense of logic for the family and may be determined to pursue his lost youthful identity....it explains his "no contact" and avoidance behaviors. The kicker is, it takes money, yours and his if he can. You may need to protect yourself from the financial downfall as much as possible. I'd start paper chasing to see where he's been spending money...it will be your proof. I wouldn't be surprised.

nickichina 08/29/2012

Thanks Kathy, I had the dream too of us getting old together. He made sure I kept that dream in my head. He would always say he could see it. Oh well, I look at my marriage now as a mirage. Was it really real?

nickichina 08/29/2012

Thank you, Tracy. I've already looked into family counseling for me and the kids. My next step, I guess, is to find a lawyer.

nickichina 08/29/2012

Thank You tobyweinn, he's already said he's not going to pay me child support because I"m staying in the house we just purchased 3 years ago. He said if he has to pay the mortgage, he's not paying me child support. Wow, that's all I can say. He said if I leave the state, hell pay me child support.

I've told him to come back and we'll share the house as roomates so to not have extra money burdens, but h'es not willing to do that.

CowgirlKathi 08/29/2012

Nickichina:
Get a counselor or therapist right away. Then get a lawyer. Those two will become your Dream Team to get you through this.

Seven years ago TODAY I put the now-X OUT OF THIS HOUSE. At the time, he was telling me the exact same things as your H is telling you now. Took me three months to get to the bottom of it -- and, not surprisingly, there was Another Woman in the picture and to this day, I have NO IDEA how long it was going on before he made his "out of the blue" announcement to me that he was leaving the marriage.

It was the hardest 18 months I have ever had to go through but you know what? TODAY I AM GRATEFUL -- I am forever free of this never happy guy who pinned the blame on me for anything and everything that ever didn't go his way. And my NEW LIFE is 1,000 times BETTER than that old one ever was -- even on its best day.

Welcome to our group and know that we are going to walk this journey with you!

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