Go and see your fil anyway and take the kids. Remember, you are getting the info that you are not wanted through your ex so what he is saying and picturing may not be entirely true. He is the one who doesn't want you there.

Good luck.

You just go, if that's what you want to do. Someone has to break the ice. You have done nothing wrong now or ever, nor have your children. I'm not talking about going to tea, but for something like this, just do it. You'd be surprised how your gesture of care and concern will be accepted and appreciated.

My MIL was my best friend for 40 years. I visited her one to two times a week at the nursing home the last 10 years of her life. When she passed NO ONE called me to say she was dying. I got a call after the fact and from my son. I would have thought my H and his brother would have gone beyond the "divorce" thing at that time, but being the asses that they were, I should have known better. They instilled fear in the rest of the family, so them not calling (although, I would have) I get the drift of it. It hurt me so badly. I cried for weeks. How terrible of them to do that to me AND to her. If I knew then, what I know now, I would have NOT fallen a part in despair and back off, I would have moved in the direction that I felt I wanted to.

Being there for anyone at a time like this, is a good thing. If you feel that you're up to it right now - go. As long as you go without "attitude" or "justification" for anything that happened between you and your x, there should be no problem. As a matter of fact, a smiling warm face is always a pleasure to see. Chin up, shoulders back, sweet tone and loving concern is who you are - be proud of that. His family really didn't want this to happen - it just did. It puts people in uncomfortable situations, some don't know what to say or do. It doesn't have to be that way, it just is. It doesn't mean that they don't like you, actually they may think that you don't like them. Don't back off - not for something like this. Break the ice. You don't have to say much of anything. Just smile and let your FIL know you're thinking of him. But, smile kindly and warmly, not laughing or crying - just be you. It may just be the best thing that you can do for yourself and your children.

I repeat, only if you think you can do this. It may take sometime for you yet to be able to communicate this way. I don't want you hurting anymore. You've been through enough pain. If it doesn't feel like a good thing to do - don't. Big hugs.

This is when you need to do what's best for you. Your kids are old enough to decide what to do and when to do it. Your ex, well, he's an ass.

If you care about this man and want to visit, by all means do it.

Don't do it for the kids. Don't do it for what used to be your family. Do it because your soul is stirred to do so.

Love ya!

I ditto Zen.. and I my take would be that I would not call and tell my ex that next time I would appreciate that he inform me of BLANK.. you can not tell him what to do and he resents you for doing it.. that is "wife" behavior, and you are not his wife.. he will not do it now. It becomes a "sticking point"

I suggest you speak to whomever is a responsible type on his family side and ask that he/she let you know of major things such as an illness, death etc. HUG to you..

I agree with all of the above. We have to follow where our heart leads us. As for him telling the children instead of you, that was probably appropriate if your kids are older. I can't imagine a visit from you being anything but a blessing.

As always, NAN56 has said it all. Hold your head high, as you have done nothing wrong in this entire situation. Your ex is an ASS and naturally, HE doesn't want you hanging around his family because he knows they know who the asshole was/is in the divorce.
At some point in the future, your kids will decide where their loyalties are, but for now, if they want to go, then take them. It will all sort out with time. Be strong and do in your heart what you know is the right thing. And if your ex is there, don't give him the time of day. If he approaches you and wants to "talk" simply tell him: "I have nothing to discuss with you, so just walk away from me."

Bottom line..... How do you feel about it...deep in your heart....????? I think you want to go and your heart is telling you that...How do you think your FIL would feel about it???If the answers are yes then don't let the EXASS play a part in your decision......good luck on that decision...I am sure you will make the right one......

This is the kind of thing that really hurts us. You've loved this man for over 20 years so by all means go and visit him and be your sweet self. If your ex happens to be there be polite and civil. I would greet all of them as I would have normally.

My two sil's and a bil from ex's side are coming for a dinner party tonight. One is spending the night here. I love all of them and I'm not giving them up.

I think you're going to be surprised how happy they will be to see you. They hate the divorce too. Let us know what happens. Big hugs.

This is so new and fresh for you. It is hard and hurts, I know and I hate it for you. First and foremost, I would really tell and encourage your kids to go to the hospital or see him at home. You would if you were together and you still should parent and encourage them the same now you are divorced. They should do it regardless if you go or not. They are their grandparents regardless of circumstances and are old enough to go any other place they want to on there own. Your kids are young adults and grandma and grandpa can't help the divorce either.
Now you have to decide for yourself which is best for you. You can have a relationship with them as your children's mother and for all the love and history that you have with them. Secret is to remember to build and sustain a relationship with them as that and not as his wife or ex wife. Not easy but another growing step. I had a wonderful relationship with my ex in laws and separate from my life as his ex wife. As a matter of fact his mother knew she was dying (cancer). She wrote a goodbye letter to 6 children and all their spouses. In it was a part to me. We had been divorced for 23 yrs. and both of us remarried. I was so blessed to have and kept them in my life. You may not be there yet but go if you want or just a call or a card. Hell with him. Do what is good for you. Love Ya!

All great advice from above. I know I would go because they are a part of me for 27 years. I would never want to say I should have. Hugs and love to you.

I went tonight by myself. I talked to my X today and he said his dad wasn't doing too good so I went directly from work. His mom was there alone with dad and she needed some support.

It went extremely well. Dad was coherent and I guess in much better shape than he was earlier in the day. I stayed for 2 1/2 hours and the three of us just talked. Nothing serious, nothing about me and my X, we just caught up with lives in general.

They were warm and kind and I felt no bad feelings from them. This makes me wonder if my X has been trying to sabatoge my relationship with them so he can bring in the new girlfriend without any hassel. He doesn't want the OW to feel awkward because his family still loves me so he makes me out to be the bad guy.

Anyway I am so glad I went. I feel really good about the visit and I may go again. Kids are going sometime tomorrow with or without me.

Thanks for all your support everyone. I really appreciate it.

Good for you, and I am sure that your X-FIL appreciated the visit. I will say that took some courage...I am proud of you!

Chrissy, OF COURSE your X has been trying to sabotage the relationship! This is all part of the game these guys play...they want to assuage their GUILT and the single-most effective way (they think) to do this is to make you look like some kind of ogre (which you are NOT)! Glad you went and took the kids. It is important for them that you maintain the relationship. Just because your X is an asshole, doesn't mean you are a bad person! Remember: What he says about YOU says more about HIM than it does about YOU.
Love & Hugs to you
kathi

I'm glad you went. I would imagine they both appreciated it. I'm sure they love their son, but know he did the wrong thing. I think the fact that they "welcomed" you say's a lot about them. I will never have the option to visit his relatives, they dumped me in the divorce. Keep visiting....That speaks to your character. I can tell you have a kind and loving soul.

I'm glad it went so well for you. I bet when you left they wondered what your ex was thinking when he left you. Hugs.