Yorkieluvr,

I understand your need to help your friend but driving five hours could potentially put your life in danger. What if you are tired and you fall asleep at the wheel? What if the weather is dangerous? Are you willing to put your life on the line for this friend who continues to go back to this abusive situation?

My suggestion would be this: I would tell this friend that you are coming but you will take him to the nearest domestic violence shelter. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. Find out where one is in his area and have the address and phone number ready. AND TAKE HIM THERE. He needs that type of counseling. Don't let him talk you out of it.

My ex sister-in-law was in an abusive relationship and kept going back. This is what a family member did for her. The family member said, "I will come and get you, but ONLY if you will go to a shelter for domestic violence." She didn't have a choice but to agree because she needed out of the abusive situation. Turns out this was the move that saved her life. By getting into that shelter, counselors were able to help her and eventually she got away from this abuse.

Good luck.

Yorkie: I hear what you are saying, but I am also in concert with Hurtinandhealin on this one. Just like with my friend who is an emotionally abusive marriage -- I pointed her in the right direction; gave her all the information and contacts she needed -- even MADE AN APPOINTMENT for her and time and time again, she did NOTHING except run back to the abusive situation.

When I reached the point where HER situation was really affecting the quality of MY life, I told her "You gotta do this on your own; I just can't keep listening to it and not seeing any positive action on your part." That was NOT ABANDONING HER. That was LEAVING THE DOOR OPEN but setting my own boundaries. Healthiest thing for me. Beyond that, I can only pray that she will do something for HERSELF.

Your situation is your situation, but I don't think I would make another 5 hour drive without having a POSITIVE ACTION PLAN AGREEMENT like Hurtinandhealin' suggested.

I know for me there were many friends that were there when I needed support, I would hope all of us here could do the same. You are a good friend Yorkie to this guy and know how to deal with him. Often many people just need someone to listen to them talk. You wisely see that you can not make a person end a relationship and you can not make someone go to counseling or insist they do anything. People are different, and have different situations, and recognizing this, is what makes a person a good friend. You know your own boundaries and what you are willing to do. Acceptance and trust from a friend is invaluable when you are in a situation like your friend is. If anyone ever told me, do as I say, go do this or you have to seek therapy, or I am not going to be your friend, so be it. It would hurt. That is not a friend. That is conditional friendship. Setting boundaries is not conditional, it is healthy and there is a difference. Yorkie you seem to get that and know your boundaries. I have always told people here and in person, I can't do it for you, but I can support you, be there and when and if you decide what you want to do, either way, stay or go, I will respect that.

No one here can fix anyone.Demanding that they think or feel the way you do, or if they react differently, making them wrong, you are invalidating someone, when maybe they need some nurturing and understanding. I hear a lot of talk about people being here to help others, but I often do not see a lot of positive understanding of others situations or circumstances. In an abstract way we are all the same, but remember no one here has all the answers, including me, there is unity in diversity, not in being demanding or right.

I find it alarming that some here think that if you are abused and do not leave, you are the same as the abuser. Or, that not leaving a marriage is akin to an addiction. I also know that in this state that if an argument escalates, and you call for help, the police will come no matter what to diffuse the situation. I know because it happened to me, more than once. I also have left the house, called the sheriff and they did come back to the house and talk to him and suggest he leave or I do for the night. I got my overnight things and my dog. It is easy to tell someone leave, get divorced, and why would you stay with someone. As all things in life, it is never quite as easy as it seem when it is happening. No one gets in our situations overnight, nor does it end overnight. The best thing that anyone can do for a friend like this,is to listen and encourage them to therapy. not demand. My opinion and experience only.




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Mine too and I might add some info that wasn't talked about at the risk of being told I don't need to defend myself. I'm not defending myself but stating how easy it is to get caught in a bad place. I was 19 and he was 27. I had not dated in high school and was put to work in one of our bars at 17 on the weekends. I was carefully watched over by my dad but he badly needed someone to watch the cash. It's a slow process to finding yourself in an abusive situation. We didn't know he was an alcoholic. That was hidden from me. He didn't hit, he kicked in doors that weren't locked, broke dishes that excalated to pushing and shoving. I got thrown up against a door one night and I'm not making small of it when I say that was all it amounted to. For a 19 year old who had been the family babysitter and was very shy it was scary as Hell. When we didn't live in our home town the marriage was great. The drinking stopped, no shoving and he was good with our daughter. But he couldn't wouldn't stay out of what he considered his party town.

I do know my dad told him that if he ever hit me he would be six feet under. My dad had a reputation for doing what he said. My dad was wise enough to support me and be there when I did make the right decision to leave. But he knew it had to be my decision and not someone telling me what I had to do. It took 5 years to get to the point where for the first time one night he put a knife to my throat and said I better not leave. Before he got a mile down the road the next morning I was packing and pulling curtains off the windows. I left him the car where he stopped at the local bar everynight. He never told me I was worthless, he was never demeaning. He was just a sloppy mean man when he had too much to drink.

I wasn't co dependent, I didn't have self esteem problems other than being shy. I just landed in a bad situation and was over my head. I never called for my dad to help me. I handled each and every episode by leaving or talking my way out of trouble. When I made that decision to get the Hell out I stayed out. It did help to know that my dad was there for me if and when I got ready to get out. He helped me get into a rental house he owned and put me back to work. My mother kept my daughter while I worked. That went a long long way to helping me get back on my feet. I can only imagine how hard it would be to leave without some type of family support and help with housing and kids. He had my dad sending him word that if he ever came near me again his ass was going to be his.

I've had to see him a few times over the last 30 years. In fact he thought he might come see me when he heard I was divorced. Give him a call if he could stop by. I'm much older and wiser now and I didn't make that call.

I think setting boundaries is the right thing to do in all aspects of your life. Friends, co-workers, children and significant others. In fact, I DIDN'T set boundaries and look where it got me.

In my opinion you can set boundaries and still be an unconditional friend - because the boundaries you are setting are for you. Not for the other person. You can be there for your friend when they need you, however, you could be getting yourself into a bad situation by running to his rescue. You don't know what that woman is capable of. She could turn her abuse on you and your primary focus although he is your friend and you feel for him - is your own personal safety and your own personal boundaries.

You can be a friend, but if your friend insists on going back and taking more of the same, there's nothing you can do to control that. I agree with CGK - offer up avenues for help. Try to get through to him and point him in the right direction. That's the definition of a good friend to me...

What's the old saying??? You can lead a horse to water.....

You can still be a friend and a good one without potentially putting yourself into a potentially unsafe situation.

ooops sorry - meant to say -

You can still be a friend and a good one without putting yourself into a potentially unsafe situation.

"I find it alarming that some here think that if you are abused and do not leave, you are the same as the abuser."

The above statement was apparently upon a misconception of what I wrote in my response. To CLARIFY that misconception, I wrote: ""If someone allows themselves to be physically beaten by a spouse MORE THAN ONCE, they are AS SICK as the abuser."

For anyone who may have merely SKIMMED OVER my response, I was quoting a woman friend who has 25 years' experience working as a Sergeant Detective for Baltimore County (Maryland) Police Department's DOMESTIC CRIME UNIT. This woman also holds a Masters Degree in Psychology, and in my opinion, is well-qualified to make such a statement. I believe that statistics bear out her claim that this type of abuser/abused scenario is, unfortunately, hideously common and until the abused person gets OUT of the situation and into some kind of therapy, the cycle will continue. Unfortunately, too many times, this doesn't happen and the abused person often ends up seriously injured or DEAD. Those are the cold, hard facts.

I believe that MOST of our members TAKE THE TIME to READ RESPONSES CAREFULLY before posting knee-jerk, judgemental and inflammatory counter-points based on misconceptions on what was actually written! This is, after all, SUPPOSED TO BE a forum for offering information, expressing opinons and sharing individual insights into a myriad of situations -- not a platform for grandstanding or singling out those with whom they may have some sort of personal ax to grind..

I have re-read ALL OF THE RESPONSES and nowhere do I see ANYONE telling ANYONE what to do or what to think.

yorkieluvr is a grown woman and has apparently made her decision. I respect what she has decided. As someone with life experiences I'm sure she knows how to support her friend safely and stay out of harms way. She is assuming the risk and that friend must be very special to her.

Long term friends are hard to come by in this day of throw away marriages, and people moving so often. She apparently thinks this friend is worth her trouble.

Yorkie - i have worked in the domestic violence field for 35 years. I was one of the authors in California of the
Domestic Violence Act. I know men can be abused and I understand the cycle of violence, It is so hard to watch. Finding the strength to break through the cycle is terribly hard and I wish you friend all the best. Support is important (especially being non-judgmental) but the fact is that the victim returns to the batterer repeatedly. It is a sick dynamic. All you can do is watch, offer support and hope he has the courage to break free.

Lynne