Actually I have the same situation with a friend back home that will call at all hours of the night except it is a she.
She has been living with a alcoholic and cocaine user for 6 years!! She calls crying not even caring that my marriage is over it is always all about her but she always goes back! She has been beat up and left bruised and bloody so many times i cant count yet still within a day or two she is always 100% of the time going back, i don't get it she was not raised that way at all. And this happens at least once a month and sometimes more.
I feel awful for her and i worry one day she will be dead but it has been weighing on me heavily for so long i want to just not answer when she calls.
It add's greatly to my stress, But like you Yorkie i really dont know what to do , she never ever listens to me.

Dear Friends, Yorkieluvr and iquitnow as we are all learning we can only be responsible for OURSELVES. Even though you love your friends dearly THEY ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEMSELVES! Just like some of us who took on full responsibility for our selfish stbx's always blaming ourselves if something was wrong, always taking all the burden on our shoulders. People that stay in ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS EITHER PHYSICAL OR EMOTIONAL ABUSE IS BECAUSE OF CO-DEPENDENCY. They have no self esteem or self confidence and feel that they deserve or cannot get any better.
There is NOTHING that you can do or say it is a PERSONAL CHOICE AND WHEN THEY HAVE HAD ENOUGH IT'S ONLY FOR THEM TO DECIDE. You both have your own lives you are trying to put back together and don't lose sight of what you need to do for your own healing. But one might say that a good dose of TOUGH LOVE IS IN NEED HERE. If you continue to rescue and they continue to return to the abuse time and time again then maybe the next time THEY NEED TO RESCUE THEMSELF. In a way you both are contributing or enabling but I know you only have the best intentions at heart.

Just like and addict they have to know that you will no longer contribute to the problem. Do you ever watch the show INTERVENTION? They always tell the family and friends that even though it is so hard they have to let the addict know that they will no longer supply or support their ADDICTIONS. Staying with an abusive person is an ADDICTION and they both need HELP AND OR THERAPY TO ESCAPE IT. You need to tell your friends I think that you will no longer support hurtful or damaging behavior but you will be supportive of good positive choices that can no longer cause them harm. Yorkieluvr let your friend know that he can call you and you will be a kind ear to listen if he needs but you will no longer be going on 5 hour drives to save him only for him to go back a couple days later. You just can't sit by and watch your friend return to the abuse ANYMORE.
There is only so much either of you can do at this point and as most of us have learned from our stbx's behavior PEOPLE WON'T CHANGE NO MATTER HOW MUCH THEY HURT FAMILY, FRIENDS, OR EVEN THEIR OWN KIDS. SOME PEOPLE AREN'T CAPABLE OF IT, SOME JUST WON'T UNTIL THEY MAKE THE CHOICE TOO!!!!!!!!!!!
God Bless both of you:)
BIG BIG HUGS,
Disney......

Good advice Disney, thanks :)

Thanks Disney.... the practical side of me has told myself the very same thing many times... the emotional side of me sits on pins and needles waiting for the next episode. As much as I would like to wash my hands of the whole thing, I know I won't - it's just not in me to totally abandon my friend. But, I know I need to put limits on how far I will go (literally.. lol) - guess I have a little of that 'returning to the scene of the crime' in me too. I'll have to find that balance, set some limits and also try to put forth some of the 'tough love' too.

Don't totally give up on your friend. You can set boundaries. Some people get caught in situations that are over their head. It takes time and knowing someone has your back to get out of it. If it hadn't been for my dad I might not be here today. I wasn't co-dependent, or lacked self esteem and I was very good at what I did. I just didn't have the experience to deal with an abusive husband. It took me fivce years to get out but I did and if I hadn't had my dad in the background watching over me I might have stayed in that bad situation.

A long-time friend of mine spent half of her law enforcement career working in the Domestic Crime Unit. She told me something years ago; that being: "If someone allows themselves to be physically beaten by a spouse MORE THAN ONCE, they are AS SICK AS THE ABUSER." That truth will stick in my mind for the rest of my life.

Disneymom is right -- this is a clear cut case of CO-DEPENDENCY. It IS a cycle and it IS a tough addiction to break. There is very little that anyone on the outside of such a situation can do to help them UNTIL the co-dependent person is able to fully recognize that they are PERPETUATING the problem! Returning to an abusive situation does nothing but ENABLE the abuser. Sad, but true. Perhaps that is why I have such low tolerance when I see co-dependency issues here on DS -- because of what my friend told me years ago.

I would venture to say many of us have been privy to this kind of situation - knowing someone who is stuck in a self-destructive, co-dependent pattern. Most of the time, the abuser is an alcoholic, a drug abuser or has serious mental health issues. It pulls at our hearts to see the suffering that the abused person puts themselves through. We want to help, but it seems our help is not wanted -- especially when they continually return to the abusive situation.

It may help to ask yourself THIS question: DO YOU WANT TO BE PART OF THE PROBLEM OR PART OF THE CURE? Obviously, "rescuing" your friend doesn't work; they go running right back to the unhealthy situation every time. What has worked for me is saying this: "When YOU realize what this relationship is doing to you and YOU take positive steps to GET OUT OF IT and STAY OUT OF IT, give me a call. In the meantime, I will hold you in my prayers."

In the last few years, I have listened to the woes of a friend who is a horribly emotionally abusive marriage. I even went so far as to schedule for her a free consultation with my divorce attorney just so she could hear first-hand what her rights are in divorce. Did she keep the appointment? NO. I even gave her the number of MY THERAPIST so she could talk it out with a professional. Did she make an appointment? NO. Things quieted down for about two months. Then, one day she called me again -- in tears. The current story was just a repeat of all the others I had heard over the last year. I listened to her, and then I said, "Honey, I have done all I can to help you.YOU NEED HELP. You know where to find it. I love you and I will always be a friend to you, but I cannot continue to listen to this and see what you are doing to yourself. When you SHOW ME that you are HELPING YOURSELF, give me a call."

Other than that, all you can do is pray for them.

I know there is not much more you can do to help until your friend is ready to help himself, but perhaps you might want to try finding a support group for your friend and going with him to the first few meetings, just so he doesn't have to walk in alone. After that it's really up to him.
It's a difficult situation for you. You've been a good friend to him.
((hugs))

I agree with what everyone wrote. I know this is hard for you to watch because I have a sister to stays with her abuser. We rescue her over and over and she goes back. I finally had to put up some boundaries because I couldn't ride that emotional roller coaster anymore.

(((HUGS)))

"Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is to let people suffer the consequences of their own behavior, which might force them to seek help for themselves.
You can be set free from codependency. It takes time, courage and determination, but it's worth it. I know because I've been there."

from http://www.12steps.org/12stephelp/shortreads/codependency.htm

I can understand that you don't want to abandon your friend, but I think your sense that what you are doing isn't helping him is right. I guess you had to try just so you know.

Co dependency requires professional help not just an act of will. I learned codependency as a child from my abusive parents. My parents were a professional and a stay at home mom, well educated, well spoken, well dressed. To me that meant they were right and I was wrong. As an adult I did everything I knew how to do. Unfortunately, what I was used to was dysfunction so it took someone else I trusted to tell me WHAT wasn't right.

I always knew I couldn't change the other person and kept trying to change myself. I left home as soon as possible, but married a man that fit the dysfunctional model I grew up with. Failing to get the desired result wasn't enough. Codependents are used to failing, trying to do better next time is where we live. I remember saying to my therapist that when I decide to stay with my abusive husband I feel calm, when I plan to leave I feel sick, unsettled, afraid and alone. Shouldn't it be reversed? She said No. It is really like stepping off a cliff, it is very unfamiliar territory. The new behavior has to be learned and practiced.

For instance, people with good boundaries aren't going to give unsolicited advice. I was so used to getting advice and criticism from my parents that when I got "honey you should do this or do that" from my X I thought it meant he cared enough to let me know what I should do. Of course, it took literally only a few days of being married for his advice to turn pretty mean. I was shocked. That must be why we keep getting into codeependent relationships because what we think is normal or caring is really someone busting through our boundaries and messing around in our lives in familiar yet dysfunctional ways.

I actually think this is a great topic for our board. Thanks.

WOW JaMama! That last para is an eye opener. Thanks for writing that.

I went to a seminar on DV as part of my work. One of the educators was a Policewoman and the head of the local DV team. She said that the police get sick and tired of attending DV situations as in a few weeks, the victim will drop the charges. She maintains that they must go and statistics say that EVENTUALLY the victim will find the courage to leave.

This is the abuser's pattern: Imagine a clock. At the hour is the violent incident; at the 1/4 hour the abuser feels guilt and remorse; at the 1/2 hour the honeymoon phase begins; and the 3/4 hour the build up of tension begins until we reach the hour again where another violent incident occurs.

In summary (short version) for us the key points are:

Respect her/his autonomy,(you will act when you're ready. We're only a phone call away - ring anytime. what information would you like)

Help her/him plan for future safety, (give numbers/information - ask where they are going to keep them. would you like some assistance to increase your safety and your children's safety, are you safe to go home when you leave here)

promote access to community services, (do you need alternative accomodation even for a short time, do you have family and friends who can help you with this)

respect confidentiality, (tell them that anything you tell me won't be disclosed to anyone else without your permission except where a child is involved.) Child abuse for community workers is mandatory reporting.

believe and validate her/his experiences (I believe you, give them time, listening skills, non judgemental, what would you like to take as the next step. You are not alone, there's support there for you in the community - its not your fault.

acknowledge injustice.(No one deserves to be hit. dv is a crime - would you like information about your legal rights

At the end of this seminar - a DV victim spoke. She said that she can deal with him hitting her etc - but she can't handle the mind games. The known she can deal with - it's the unknown.

This is from an online search of Domestic violence and how friends can help. I found this same infor on several sites.

How to Help Others

We've learned not to let friends drive drunk. We've learned to help stop crimes. We must refuse to accept the deadly myth that we must "mind our own business," and no longer turn our heads when domestic violence is happening in our home, our family, or our neighborhood. Domestic Violence must be treated for what is - a crime. How can you approach a friend in trouble?

If you think a person is being abused:

If an assault is occurring, call 911.
Take the time to listen, and believe what your friend says.
Don't downplay the danger.
Don't judge or criticize your friend's choices.
Give emotional support.
Offer to help with child care or transportation.
Express concern for your friend's safety.
Let your friend know about agencies that can help.

All good advice here - just one question to CGK - do you see that friend anymore? Just curious if she ever got out.

Abuse is a horrible thing. It's very hard to get out of - but it is possible. Yorkie - try to be good to YOURSELF. You can be there for your friend in spirit.

You know, it's really a shame that our society has been made fully aware of what can be done to help people out of the cycle of PHYSICAL ABUSE but EMOTIONAL ABUSE remains one of those "gray" areas. Try calling 911 if your husband is tormenting you verbally and see what kind of reaction you get. NONE. NADA. ZIP. Unless you are in PHYSICAL DANGER or being threatened with fists or a weapon, they're NOT COMING!

IMO emotional abuse is just as devastating -- the sad part is, you can fix a broken arm and a busted nose will heal, but the scars and damage of emotional abuse don't readily show. NOBODY KNOWS the damage done except the victim and maybe a few close friends or family members. It's hard to prove in court, as well. This is a call for change in our legal system!

Thanks for your input everyone... lots of good advice here. Isn't it sad that this subject touches a nerve with so many.

These situations have many similarities, but yet also have their own unique details. "Co-dependency" and "enabling" are words we unfortunately hear way too often. What one persons definition of these words may not necessarily coincide with anothers. And sometimes they are hard to really see them for what they are. And there are many theories on what to do, what not to do. Actually, as regular people (as opposed to a professional) all we can do is the best we can do. For me, I have to go with my gut feeling of the right thing to do - been listening to it for 52 years....it doesn't often fail me.

Will I be there to pick him up when this goes bad again - yes, I most likely will. Right or wrong - I can not be that person who totally abandons someone. I don't subscribe to "sink or swim"...I've been called "strong" and "independent" my whole life - which it seems some people's definition of "strong and independent" is that you never need anyone. Well... I'm here to tell you that's not true. There have been times when I "needed" someone and for whatever reason - the person I thought I could count on let me down when I needed them the most. I know THAT heartache and I will not do that to someone else... especially someone I consider a good friend. I can't kick someone when they're down.

I'm not saying I don't have a limit.. I do... perhaps my limit goes a little farther than others. I know where the line is between supporting someone and being taken advantage of. My friend is a fairly intelligent person - who has gotten himself into a toxic situation that's hard to break out of. I'm no therapist, and I know he needs one (and so does she apparantly). From the outside looking in, I see his emotional struggles and there are valid (in my opinion) reasons for those. I know I'm not qualified to "treat" him, but I am qualified to be a FRIEND - which in my mind, means if I need to pick him up out of a ditch - that's what I'm going to do. (and literally have). Is that "enabling"? - probably in some people's minds it is. I also tell him like it is with no qualms... the proverbial knock to the side of the head... and he thanks me for it... LOL