Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
I wasn't quite sure what to use as a subject line, but I felt compelled to tell my story from last night, especially after reading Psi's post this morning. I'll try to keep this as concise as possible.
I have a buddy of mine who for the past number of years has been going through some pretty significant challenges. His wife was at the Mayo Clinic and on hospice for while (she recovered and is doing ok now), his son had a child out of wedlock, and his son, girlfriend and child have been living with them since the pregnancy (in a very small house). He's not worked since his wife was sick, and the list goes on an on. The reason for the background is a number of years ago (before any of my crap started), he said something that was pretty profound, and even more so now. His little ditty was if you gather a bunch of people around a table, and everyone laid their problems out on the table with the intent that you could trade with anyone, as bad as we've got it, we'd just grab our own troubles back off the table and not want to trade with anyone.
I was reminded of this story last night at my Divorce Care meeting. After we broke up into small discussion groups, we started talking about the topic of the day (which happened to be anger, and appropriate timing for a number of us). And as we each sharing our particular flavor of pain, misery, and of course anger, I was thinking to myself, as bad as my life sucks right now, I'd not trade places with any of these people. A couple of the girls (women) have children, and I just can't imagine going through this AND having to consider the impact on my kids. I have to tip my hats to all of you who are going through this and have to take care of your children - I don't know that I could handle it. It's been said that God does not give us more than we can handle. I guess this is one of the reasons he never gave me kids...
I don't know if any of you can find comfort in these words, but at least know that last night (and going forward), I said an extra prayer for those of you facing these challenges with kids.
I have a buddy of mine who for the past number of years has been going through some pretty significant challenges. His wife was at the Mayo Clinic and on hospice for while (she recovered and is doing ok now), his son had a child out of wedlock, and his son, girlfriend and child have been living with them since the pregnancy (in a very small house). He's not worked since his wife was sick, and the list goes on an on. The reason for the background is a number of years ago (before any of my crap started), he said something that was pretty profound, and even more so now. His little ditty was if you gather a bunch of people around a table, and everyone laid their problems out on the table with the intent that you could trade with anyone, as bad as we've got it, we'd just grab our own troubles back off the table and not want to trade with anyone.
I was reminded of this story last night at my Divorce Care meeting. After we broke up into small discussion groups, we started talking about the topic of the day (which happened to be anger, and appropriate timing for a number of us). And as we each sharing our particular flavor of pain, misery, and of course anger, I was thinking to myself, as bad as my life sucks right now, I'd not trade places with any of these people. A couple of the girls (women) have children, and I just can't imagine going through this AND having to consider the impact on my kids. I have to tip my hats to all of you who are going through this and have to take care of your children - I don't know that I could handle it. It's been said that God does not give us more than we can handle. I guess this is one of the reasons he never gave me kids...
I don't know if any of you can find comfort in these words, but at least know that last night (and going forward), I said an extra prayer for those of you facing these challenges with kids.
Sorry...
That saying...we are never given anymore than we can handle helped me find the inner strength to move beyond my fear and debilitating pain. There were many times where I couldn't even get out of bed. I would think about that saying...then say to myself...I am going through this for a reason...why doesn't matter...this is what is happening right now...its up to me on how I want to deal with it...I can let it keep me down or I can rise above it...it helped me see that it was my choice. I did not choose to have this happen but I must choose on how I want to deal with it. Choosing to rise above it wasn't a cake walk either. It was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do...in fact...short of loosing a child...I cant think of anything more painful. That saying helped me think that I did indeed have the strength to preserver even when I didnt think I could...otherwise it wouldnt have happened. You know that other saying....I think I can...I think I can...therefor you do! Kinda the same thing. A mantra of sorts.
I would like to address response #12 written by Larry. Larry...I totally get where your at right now. I too went through..but I am a good person...I was a good mother, partner and friend...how could he do this to us and our family? As I moved down the healing road I came to realize...it didnt matter who or what I was or wasnt...this divorce was not about me...it was all about him. We are born with free choice...that free choice is a gift and one that can not be taken away...however...you can only control your own...others are free to exercise that gift as they see fit. Our ex's were not happy in the marriage and they choose to use that right. We could have bent over backwards...many of us did...and it would not have changed the outcome. When one is unhappy with themselves...happiness is illusive and cause for chase. As far as the ones left behind...many of us were blindsided because we were happy within ourselves..comfortable in our own skin..found happiness within all...were able to confront any obstacle because of it and still maintained love in our hearts. That was the big difference for me! My light bulb moment which changed everything...it wasnt about me! This was reinforced just a few months ago. The OW got the same speech I got...I love you but I'm not in love with you...I'm unhappy in this relationship...I feel numb...I met someone who lights my fire...the OW moved out just before Christmas...go figure. I am left with the thought....I dont think this man has ever felt love before...how sad...and its not a reflection on me.
Larry....you are in the self blame stage...we've all been there...its part of the process...however you dont want to get stuck there. Please know in your heart...this divorce is not about you...there is nothing you could have done to prevent it..Big Hugs...Kathy