I appreciate your prayers.

I agree. My kids are older now, 26 and 18...I do feel for the posters who have young kids and still face co-parenting...having my kids old enough to make up their own minds about seeing their "mother" makes things much easier. I am finding I dont really need to talk/discuss much of anything with her anymore which helps healing.

Thank you for sharing this! You are absolutely right in that business about throwing the troubles on the table and being perfectly ok with taking your own back, and not trading for anyone else's.

As bad and ugly as my divorce was, I thanked my lucky stars every day that my only daughter was grown and out of the nest before the shit started flying. While it still had an impact on her, it wasn't like having to deal with little ones under foot. My hat is off, too, to anyone who is going through this with kids still at home.

I also agree with the statement that God never gives us more than we can handle, but have a slightly different way of saying it, that being: God never closes a door without opening a window -- but sometimes it's Hell in the hallway!

I type so many things and then just delete it. How do you all stay so optimistic?

Larry, we have no choice but to be optimistic. Either we are optimistic or just crash and burn. I refused to do that. I am always grateful for what I have and with the grace of God, I will survive.

It's so true.... I think its because we are comforted by what we know. New problems are traumatizing on a different level. That is after all, why we stayed with our ex's for so long in the first place. Truth be told.....I'd still probably take him back if I was offered even the slightest bit of hope for a better tomorrow.

Thank you, Duci, for the prayers for us and our kids. Mine were all adults when I made the fateful decision to go. My son's response was said to a friend of mine "I'm surprised she didn't go years ago". He was the baby and so saw the deterioration of our relationship while he was still at home. My second daughter did the boomerang. She returned home at 20 and lived with us until she married. She also saw. The eldest left home when she was 18 and so was the least prepared. When my ex used Parental Alienation, she was the one who estranged from me the longest. IMO, one of the most difficult things to be dealt with regarding our kids is this business of PA. When one parent tries to hurt the other using the kids as weapons like that, it's just so cruel. Now that they've reconciled, and some time has gone by, my ex is treating them the same way he used to treat me. Will he ever realise how abusive and hurtful it is to constantly ignore, criticise and bully people into doing what he wants? He has no idea how much he hurts my kids even though they're all adults.

Larry, I agree with knuckle and Psi. The only way to go forward is to find the positives in being divorced and be the best we can be every day. However, you don't become ok with the new way of life overnight. You have to work through your emotions and grief until you're ready. You'll get there, mate.

love and hugs
kamary

Those are really nice thoughts JustDuci. good to contemplate our situation compared to others... It can always be worse!

I always try to remind myself of that, but sometimes it is hard.

I think I was a better person when I was younger. I still recall a trip I made home to my parents' house with my stbx (who was then just my boyfriend.) He made some envious remarks about a guy who had driven past us in a Porsche or some other expensive car. He said something to the effects of, "Boy I wish I had that guy's life." And my response was fairly profound, because I think I was only about 19 or 20 at the time. I said, "But you only see his car. You don't know what the rest of his life is like. He could be going through something terrible right now, or that car may be the only good thing in his life."

Back when my stbx still loved me and still thought I had good ideas, he would bring that up every once in a while, and tell me that day I had taught him gratitude for what he had, not what he wanted.

Of course it didn't last and he tossed me aside like trash, but at least I made an impact for a minute.

Thanks justduci!

Stories like yours help to remind us to keep things in perspective.

Larry-as far as staying optimistic I feel like it's paramount to my healing; otherwise I am giving the power to the ex to take the joy out of life. Plus it is really true-it can always be worse and just because someone's life looks awesome from the outside doesn't mean it is. Hang in there!

lemaym1.wordpress.com

Like Sheryl Crow says - "it's not having what you want, it's wanting what you've got". I try to remember that whenever I look at what others have - especially friends and collogues that are well to do, have summer places in Florida, drive a Mercedes AND an Escalade, etc. Then I look at other friends and family who are struggling to make ends meet, in hock up to their ass, and I think I really do have it pretty good.
Of course that's all changing, and my financial situation is definitely going to take a hit. But all in all, it's still not as bad as it could be. And I am thankful for what I do have. I try to keep that in perspective when my personal roller coaster is speeding downhill, as it has recently.
Is that being optimistic? Maybe. But I've always been a fighter, and I refuse to lay down and die over this (although there are times....). It's hard. It sucks. It's not something I WANT to do. But I do believe once I find my way out of these twisted woods, I'll be better and stronger for it.
You just have to keep pulling out whatever weapons are in your arsenal to get you through it (prayer, friends, family, therapy, exercise, shouting at the walls...). I've found I need them all, and I'm looking for new ones as well.
Just keep fighting the good fight!

knuckle & neverceases, my life is fair at the moment and I'm optimistic it can be good, but reality smacks me in the face often enough to know it will never be great again. The components that it takes for a great life have been abolished and no amount of upbeat attitude will bring those things to life again. I'll never have another family and the one I do have is divided or dysfunctional at best now. When family is tainted all other endeavors seem inconsequential. The 'feel goods' lack staying power and we have to resort to mind games just to find some peace. Never before did I have to see how someone had it worse for me to feel better. When speaking in relatives there is always better and worse. Never before did I have to think that God doesn't put more on a person than they can handle, (which is a man-made saying and isn't found in the Bible). Why did Saul kill himself? He was about to face more than what he could endure is why.

I just get tired of redefining all that I once believed to be significant in one's life in order to really feel good. Sometimes I literally sit here and wonder how it is that so many of you find solace in God during these trying times while I've concluded if I DIDN'T possess the godly characteristics of uprightness, sincerity, honor, truth, loyalty, and wholesome ideals this divorce would NOT have rocked my world the way it did. The very thing a lot you hold onto is the very thing that drives me the battiest! I see a lot of broken promises. I see I was a better father to my children than God is to his. I see why the Psalmist ripped God a new one now and then. The way He works is beyond our comprehension so we just have to suffer the consequences. Should my kids have suffered because I was wiser than they? Should I have been this type of father? That is interpreting things tit for tat. That is reality. What kind of God is he anyway when Lucipher gets the better of a family? I don't understand how God works, but I know this, I don't like how He does. He allows Lucipher way too much power, and it's too much when good families fall apart. The Bible speaks extensively on the value of family, well, obviously THAT ideal isn't worth a plug nickel.

I've always been an optimist. I've been blessed with some wonderful things that were brought into my life. Yes, for awhile I was blessed to be married to the ex before I found how bad he really was. I work hard for what I want. Nothing comes easy to me. When I have had a real need that need has been filled.

Tomorrow I'm losing another 400.00 of income for the month. That is going to be hard to replace but it can't be helped. Life is what it is and I will make it through this somehow. I'm still blessed to live on this farm, work hard and have beautiful sunrises and sunsets nearly everyday. I'm blessed most of all to still have this farm that brings me so much joy. Two daughters back in my life. One because I didn't leave the ex soon enough and the youngest because I left her father. she took that hard for three years but is back with two babies for me to play with when they visit. I always look for the positive in everything I do. I wouldn't change a thing about my life.

@Larry my life hasn't always been hunky dory. The man I thought was my father isn't who I thought he was. I don't know who my father was. I was kicked out of the family when my mother died because I didn't have the same father as the rest of my siblings. But the man was still my dad and I learned so much from him. I was teased most of my life because I was shy. Mostly by my three siblings. Ostracized by a whole town because my dad ran a bar. I couldn't get a job when I graduated high school for the same reason. I was so proud when at 26 I bought my own house only to find out the whole neighborhood tried to hire an atty to keep me out. It was to late I had already bought the house. I could go on with this sad tale but you know what all those problems made me what I am today. With each problem that surfaced I found a way around it to get what I needed. Life is what you make of it and I like the life I have right now.

Larry I get it. I'm actually not religious at all. I believe in being a good person and that you should do unto others but I'm not sure I buy into the whole God/Satan thing. I think I have faith that there is some sort of higher power (like nature) out there but I'm not brand loyal to God or Satan. I just don't know.

I have my days too; I think we all do. Today was one of those days for me. I live in the North East and we were absolutely hammered by Blizzard Juno-3 feet of snow in the city I live in and I'm not exaggerating. Some places where there were snow drifts it was even more. I left my marriage after 3 years of fake reconciliation after I found out the ex cheated. I tried; he didn't; I left. I left the marital home and bought mostly new stuff and moved into an apartment complex. I took no furniture, not even a dish but there were a few things that I wanted because we had more than one. One of those things was a shovel. When I asked the ex if I could take one, he gave me the smallest collapsible one-it wasn't even one of the three I mentioned. It was like half a shovel. He felt I wouldn't need a big shovel because the grounds keepers would shovel most stuff and they do for the most part. However, when 3 feet is dumped all at once, they have to prioritize and their priorities don't necessarily line up with my work schedule.

My car was literally buried this morning. It had 3 feet of snow all around it, higher amounts in back because of the plows and about that much on top. Me with my collapsible shovel had to shovel a path out of my door because the grounds guys were way too busy to get to it first thing this morning. Then I had to shovel all around my car. I was spent and close to tears and wishing white hot death on that loser I used to be married to and I admitted to myself that life was much easier when I had someone to help me with this stuff but I don't and that's my reality now. Just when I was about to give up hope, one of the guys plowing gave me an extra shovel and told me to keep it. It is bright fluorescent orange but it's normal size; it doesn't collapse and it helped me liberate my car much sooner. There are nice people in the world.

This morning sucked but things got better as the day went on and I made a choice to be grateful for the help I did receive-a couple of other neighbors helped me push my car out too! I also make the choice to find something every day to be thankful about and that helps too. I hate what the ex did to our family and that I essentially had no choice in the matter but if he died suddenly I would be in the same exact predicament.

I hope that eventually your life is as great as you want it to be!

lemaym1.wordpress.com/

PsiChi makes a good point about being comforted by what we know (vs. the devil we don't). To your point about still being willing to take him back based on the slightest bit of hope - we'll that's the situation I was handed. After I left he got up off his butt and actually started doing his job (as a homemaker and stay-at-home dad). And he claimed to be down to 2-3 whiskey's a night. I was impressed and hopeful (& frankly I missed my home since I was the one who moved out, then come to find out he didn't want the house anyway).

But now (1 month later) I find that most nights are 6+whiskey nights. He recently went up to the cabin and drank like a fish the 3 days I was there with him, but he choses to not have a drop on 2 out of the 3 days he's up there without me? Forgive me if I come to the conclusion that he feels he needs to drink to tolerate me.

Please pardon the rant & digression. I'm generally a very upbeat and positive person. Rarely do I not find a silver lining in any situation - hence my years living in denial.

But, in addition to the 'ray of hope', 2 things ultimately motivated me to move back with him and give it another try: 1) my 18 year-old daughter had a very hard time with our separation and came to blame me (even though she felt emotionally abused and neglected by him and resented his laziness) - I thought she could handle it but I came to see that I definitely had to wait until she leaves for college next fall; 2) about 2 weeks after moving out I realized that I had almost no support network in place to help me through the split - I dealt with the bad relationship by working 50+ hours per week and pouring much of the rest of my energy into the kids. I had no friends and no personal life to focus on. I was so very lonely and groundless and felt myself slipping into depression (even with the support of a good therapist). I felt like Wiley Coyote after he raced off a cliff only to stall and look down and anticipate the fall.

So, now I'm working on the friend relationship thing and getting a life. We'll see if he can get his s#!t together and go get a job (& do it without resenting me every minute of every day thereafter). I've been with him for 30 years and supported him for all but 5 of the last 25 years. Ultimately, a key priority for me is to not obsess about him but rather focus on me.

I really appreciate this group and the positive messages. I aspire to handle my transition with the same grace you folks have demonstrated.