It was for me until i thought long and hard how he hurt me then I got angry and decided I needed to do what was best for me for my future as far as support and financial stuff.

As for you kids, just be there for them. My girls are adults with families of their own and it was hard on them.

you will be surrounded by family for the holidays but it will still be hard on all of you. Its hard but concentrate on you and your kids well being.

I don't know either. I just try things on to see if they work. The ocd is bad during holidays esp. My kids hate me post divorce so its that much more impacting.

http://www.beliefnet.com/Inspiration/2003/04/Nine-Ways-To-Find-Peace-Of-Mind.aspx#

I hope this article might help you a bit with ideas.

I found it so hard to get out of the sadness and obsessive thinking. In the end, I decided to just sit in the emotions and thoughts I was feeling at the time. I let myself ruminate and think, cry or get angry as much as I needed to. I would sit and deliberately let it happen - not go on with life and try to cope at the same time. I gave myself time to grieve, basically, and I think I healed more quickly because I allowed myself to just be. If you do it, you'll find that eventually, your mind will slow down and other thoughts will begin to wander in and you'll blow your nose, take a deep breath, and feel more like your old self.

love and hugs
kamary

One month is like a nanosecond relative to the span of a long marriage! I don't think you should feel badly about feeling bad hon! Sad to say, but it's perfectly normal to be where you are, however it WILL get better. I guarantee that it will!!!

Kamary is right, your mind will start to let other thoughts in, you won't be "obsessed" with thoughts and feelings of him. Some of those future thoughts and feelings will be healing, and then more and more and more as time goes on.

It takes time. LOTS of time. Take care of YOU in the meantime. Read, talk, attend therapy and divorce group, cry when you need to, research when you're up to it, sleep, eat....live your life. Take it day by day. Life may not have much joy right now, but it will return! you will be happy again, have joy in your life. It will happen. It takes time.

Love yourself, love your kids, let people into your life who help and support you. Better days ahead - I promise!
Hugs of support (())

Thanks everyone. I feel so hopeless and helpless right now. I hope to get through the holidays, and then maybe things won't seem so devastating.

A month is NOTHING! Give yourself some time. I still have moments (especially this time of year) and it has been 3 years for me.

I think everyone is different, but you have to give yourself time to grieve. I found when I was angry and or I really focused on what a little shit he was helped me. I let that fuel me into the life that I want to live now. My happiness is no longer tied to him and if he is in a good/bad mood, what he wants to watch, eat, do or not do. I don't have to worry about his lies, control etc.

Make plans, journal, read, exercise, whatever makes YOU happy, then do it! You will get there

Liz

As a tutor, I worked with many kids of divorce parents. It will effect the kids more than you, the spouse. They blame themselves for mom and dad divorcing. Get involved more with your kids and give them more quality time. Do not deprive your kids of their dad because it will haunt you when they are older. However, sometimes or most of the time, it is very difficult to get along with your spouse at that point. Involve yourself and forget about him. You deserve better and you will get better when God is ready to give it to you. Take care of yourself and your kids. Remember, God puts people in your life for a moment, day, months, years, and all for us to learn and become a better person. So, your spouse has ran his course and life must go on for you and your kids. I also, went through a divorce, before my son. I never looked back and happier for it. I prayed for a better tomorrow. I support you and your kids.
http://colleges-universitiesscholarshipsfind.com/

I agree with allowing yourself some true grief. Crying can be healing. I bawled and even screamed out loud a few times while making Christmas cookies ALONE this weekend. It was just depressing - despite the music I put on. But after awhile, I dried my tears and even laughed a little at myself for getting so dramatic. Crying is necessary, but laughter can lift you out of a deep hole.

I suppose when we realize the finality of the marriage, the process of accepting there is no resolution from which no further appeal can be made, it intrinsically over-emphasizes both its good and bad affects to our thinking/feeling. What is missed seemingly becomes the center of our attention and our thorn. Yes, it may give you the sense of feeling like a fish out of the water. After all, you are fresh into the process of change: from "married life" to being "single again". Some of us might require a reality check from a loyal friend to remind of us of the ex's true "ugliness" until it becomes second nature.

It might help to get into a women's program which focuses on women's confidence and completeness [marital status is of no importance]. Switching to a different mind-set [self talk] about what you are actually missing, and your deliverance, does take practice and effort.

I think it's a wee bit to early for you to worry it will be this way forever or a realllly long time. Of course there are things you could do to prolong it. When I find myself playing those tapes in my head, I immediately say "STOP! I'm not going over this again. It's useless." Then I purposely think of something else. I won't lie.....it doesn't ever work the first time and sometimes I have to stop several times a day, but over time it gets less and less.

Like everyone said...it's a process

It took me about 2 years to get past the serious sadness. It is a very tough road. I was married for 32 years. I know many others bounce back faster. They say it takes 1 year for every 4 years you were married. So keep that in mind. I agree with Kamary. You have to GO through the pain to GET through the pain. The sooner you grieve, the better and faster you will heal. As many mentioned above, it takes LOTS of time. But nurture yourself through the healing. Walk, read a lot, journal, get a counselor, and celebrate the things you can do now that you weren't able to.

Big hugs

I have to assume since you're on this board that you were married for more than twenty years. Cut yourself some slack broken-a month is such a short period of time if you were married for more 20 or more years. I'm almost a year out and I still have my moments. Someone on here or maybe it was chump lady said that they keep a list of the reasons they divorced and some of the really crappy things their ex-spouse did while they were still married. People in good marriages typically don't split up so I'm sure there were things your ex did that drove you nuts.

Maybe you could think of a few things to put on a list and keep it handy (like on your phone) and read it when you find yourself feeling down. I did that and it actually helps a little. It also reminds me that I didn't make a great choice in husbands but no use crying over spilled milk right?

Give yourself a break-it's only been a month. Hang in there.

http://lemaym1.wordpress.com/

I am finally at that 5 yr mark and I think the 1 year for every 4 years is correct. I am just now feeling emotionally healthy. Maybe during the new year I will actually look at dating again. Yes, I have dated some but have not been giving it my all. We will see how it all goes. One month is not anything to be worried about. You will heal. It just takes more time

One month and ..... yep you are normal, your kids will hurt to degrees you won't know and they can't express,
you will fear for your kids, most kids are resilient, that means yours most probably are, i find that the more i crowd them with concern the more they hold back and if i stay running down the railroad tracks that they come to run parallel

i didn't want to hear it when my dday & divorce shitstorm hit but my older brother said something along the lines of "pray for the best things - the right things to happen for your family and leave that for God to define rather than praying for what you want, his simple analogy was maybe you pray fro a million dollars because you are broke and you do get a million dollars as part of an insurance payout over a family tragedy car accident,
strange that about a month after dday, my daughter had a nasty collision playing lacrosse, immobilized ride to the ER thinking broken neck, my future lovely ex wife to be was on a trip, so i had to call her from the er,

i remember looking at my daughter and praying to God that her injury not be the reason that my wife choose to stay married, thank God my daughter "only" had a concussion and soft tissue trauma,

my wife choose divorce, my kids are dealing with the fallout but they can walk,

keep praying, God is fickle beyond our understanding, yet is no stranger to a manger.
take care

It sucks at first but it gets better, trust me. For the first 4 months I hated my life but I got over it and now I am loving life.