I am so sorry for what you are going through. However, on the up side, you are in the right place. There are some amazing people on this board who have been through the very same thing.

You might get some very difficult advice to swallow sometimes, but 99 times out of 100 they are spot on.

Day by day. That is all you can do right now. Hang in there because it really will get better.

I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation. Rest assured you are not alone. In fact if you hang around for awhile we will have more like you come here around the holidays. You're among friends. I have good new for you, divorce is NOT a death sentence. You and your children can survive this and carve out a new normal. I'm not saying it will be easy peasy...just that it won't be the end of the world either. (((HUGS))))

Also, cheaters tend to mistreat their spouse after they have been found out. They make us the bad guy in order to justify what they are doing. Don't fall for any of the crap he tells you. Start talking to lawyers for advice. You will need someone to help you navigate through dividing the property. The sooner the better.

I was in your exact shoes three years ago (48, 25 year marriage that broke up a few months before Christmas, cheating spouse) (except I have 3 boys). Take a deep breath, and I do want to tell you that you will be OK.

So sorry to find you here, but this is the best place to be. Ask any question, vent or cry here anytime.

Welcome to our group and rest assure, Brokenhearted, that your broken heart WILL mend. It truly will.

How "new" is all of this? I'm just wondering because it's the holiday season and it's a tough time to deal with loss :( That said, you are definitely not alone if he left you on an "occasion" as it is more common than not that cheating spouses pick momentous occasions to drop their bombs.

Honey, sad but true, It's not about YOU or the kids anymore. I'm sorry to tell you this, but "it's" all about him now. In his eyes that is! He is living in a bubble, one of denial and selfishness, and God only know when or even IF it ever bursts. He can't see it anymore. Lots of us start off in denial, thinking that "he" will come around and see what he's doing, understand the terrible choices that "he's" making, the pain he's causing......it rarely happens though.

Prepare yourself. You have some tough days ahead. Get help in your community and among your friends and family now! You need a support network, and don't be hurt or surprised if someone you thought that you could count on doesn't come through for you. This too, is more common than you'd ever imagine!

It's tough. It sucks. It hurts like hell. It's basically like death. That sound harsh because it truly is one of the worst, if not THE worst thing you'll ever go through. But guess what? You WILL survive it. You will endure the pain, you will learn things about yourself that you were never acquainted with before! You'll discover an inner strength and resilience. You'll learn that you are SO MUCH MORE than "his" wife and even, your kids mom!

You will get through this...because you must! Getting through is the tough part. But there is love and hope and happiness again on the other side. Believe it sister! Hugs of support (())

Thank you all for reaching out. He left the first time on November 9, then came home. I went to my mom's 80th birthday celebration with the kids but without him, and when I came home, there was my loving husband. That lasted all of two days. (He wrote a contract to our family about how sorry he was.)

He soon saw her at work and was just awful to me every day. Finally I found out that he had not stopped seeing her for more than three days. When confronted, he told me he wanted a divorce.

Now, according to him, all of our marriage was awful (such bullshit). What I found out was that I stood by him through good times and bad, (his excessive spending that caused our bankruptcy and foreclosure) but if I was having trouble, SEE YA! (I had depression issues this past summer.)

All of our friends are shocked, but I know that since they're all married friends that most will leave me high and dry.

I am worried about providing a stable home for my son, who is entering his senior year, and just getting through the days until our divorce is final. He has threatened to be ugly, but there's very little to split because of the bankruptcy and his debt is in his name and my debt is in mine. I am worried about the finances of raising my son and providing a home for my daughter on my own. And my daughter will be home for the summer and I fear he will not stick to the budget we have created to pay for her last year of college.

What kind of narcissistic person does this? I feel like this is a completely different man than the one I married. He is a completely different man than before I found out about the affair. I don't recognize this person at all and neither do any of our friends.

I am not naive enough to think this will blow over and he will come back to me. I have been made into a villain. If this affair does not work out (She has three kids: 4,6, and 8- I think she will dump him before he dumps her as he has the most awful temper and the foulest mouth of anyone I know). But even if they don't work out I know he wants out of this marriage. And after having been cheated on and been passed over for her twice, I know the divorce will be a better thing for me.

But I just want to get to a point I don't cry every day, shake, be unable to eat, and can laugh at a joke. Everyone says I have to forgive him, but I am not there yet.

What are the best things to do to try to start to function again?

I put all my energy and anger into this farm I now own. I know not everyone can or wants a farm. Join the gym and get yourself in shape. Use that anger to lift those weights. There has to be something that is not too expensive that you always wanted to do. Rearrange your furniture and make your home truly all yours. I painted my antique iron bed pink. The ex hated it.LOL. I don't like it either but it will be hot pink until spring.

I didn't give the ex time to leave me. As soon as I recovered from the horrible things the ex was doing I divorced him. It still hurt terribly but I did what I had to do. I won't live his life of lies.

While I'm sorry you find youself in this mess I can tell you that with time and hard work your life will be good again. Perhaps even better than it was married to your stbx. Hang here with us and there is always someone here to hear what you have to say.

I am so sorry to hear of your pain. I know it well, and am only 3 1/2 months in. My husband left and I have heard nothing from him for all of that time, nor have my kids. He went 1200 miles away to "start a new life", after being together for 38 years.
I thought I was going to die at first, but with counseling, keeping my kids close, working, staying busy, I am feeling a bit better.
Don't let him rush you into this- take your time. Take care of yourself and your kids. This will shake their very foundation.

If you've been married for 25 years, chances are pretty good you've been taking care of your soon to be ex and your children for that entire time. Now is the chance to start taking care of yourself. I know finances will be tough but see if you have room in your budget maybe check into joining a gym. Planet fitness is really reasonable with memberships as low as 10.00 per month. The endorphins will help your mood, any strength training you do will make you feel strong and exercise usually makes people feel good-it's something that you're doing just for you.. I found it very therapeutic; actually still do.

If your healthcare plan will pay for it, see if you can seek out a therapist to talk to. It helps to be able to talk and not all of our friends understand what we're going through especially if they're married. Now is a good time to meet other divorced people. I've heard divorce care can be good, although it's more religious based. You could check out "meetup" groups for divorced people in your area.

Finally don't feel bad about feeling bad. It would be weird if you weren't on the roller coaster of emotions you're on right now. Just ride it out; eventually things calm down. You will be able to get through this. Trust in that and the chump lady! She writes about infidelity and she has a very empowering no-nonsense approach to dealing with all of the fall out from it: www.chumplady.com.

http://lemaym1.wordpress.com/

Sorry for what you are going through but this is a great place to vent, cry or whatever. My stbx did thesame thing to me after 41 yrs of marriage.

Like the others said you have to look out for yourself and your kids and do whats best for the three of you. Ihope you have a lawyer already especially if he threatened things will get ugly

Honey, one thing for sure, the cheaters all order the same manual, How to cheat and be stupid about it in five easy steps. He will blame you for everything, including the weather. You have to look after yourself. Be gentle. I smiled, a nice slow smile like a snake ready to strike and walked away. I still do it now. Cry all you want. I did it. hugs.

Awww...Hugs Brokenheart...I am so sorry this is happening to you..it simply sucks. I am 51/2 years post divorce and I echo what the others have already said...the next year or so is going to be tough..no doubt...but...you will move past it like many of us have. Unless you've been through it you cant possibly know what we go through...so I strongly urge you to find a Divorce Care program near you...google it...I went and found it invaluable during the first divorce...I am divorced twice to the same man. This 2nd divorce I had a good therapist, lawyer and the folks here...I made it and so will you. I can honestly say...my life is full, rich and my kids and I are closer than we have ever been. So, although divorce is probably the hardest thing I have ever gone through...it was not the end of my world even though I thought it was at first.

It sounds like you have accepted where things are truly at...you see him for what he truly is and that is a really good first step to recovery. That fantasy bubble has burst and reality has set in...good for you...now protect yourself and your kids...put yourself and your needs first...after all...you are your greatest asset. You will survive this and you will find a place where you will thrive...you are stronger than you think...Big Hugs and welcome...Kathy

Brokenheart...Our stories are always similar...it seems there is an epidemic of runaway husbands these days..but you have found a good place for support and information.

The two people who were the most instrumental to me when I was going through it were my therapist and my attorney. Those two amazing women became my "Dream Team" and others here will echo that. Your therapist will keep your head on straight so that you can continue to function; your attorney will look out for your legal rights and do their best to get a good financial settlement for you.

There are also a myriad of books out there that can help you tremendously. The one I recommend most often is "Runaway Husbands" by Vikki Stark. She also has a website by that same name...go there and check it out. You will quickly find out that your situation isn't all that unique and Vikki offers some sound advice for dealing with it all in her book.

I will hold you in my thoughts and prayers. xoxo

I'm sorry broken hearted you are not alone !!! It is bewildering to think you knew a man all those years and then he turns into another !!!! It really messes with your mind but your not alone it happened to me as well,

I'm always here for you OK !!!!

Jenny

Welcome to the group, so glad you found it. Lots of very good people here, who care like you wouldn't believe!

That being said, I'm so very sorry that you are here. Betrayal is the hardest of all pains IMO, and it's going to take some time for you to feel better at all - so sit down, buckle up, and hold on tight because you are in for a hell of a ride.

First thing I would tell you is to find a good therapist. Second, a good lawyer - as Cowgirl Kathi says - that will be your dream team. At this age, you need to protect your future as much as you can, because you have no time to make it up - or not enough time anyway. Take what you are entitled to.

All the gals/guys here have been through it. It's not easy, but you will find after a while that God has put you on a path to a happier you. I know it doesn't seem like it right now, and you are looking at the past with semi-rose colored glasses trying to figure out what happened. You'll never really know. He just quit on his family - that's it. He's selfish and self serving and an idiot.

Plus side is - he didn't wait another 10 years to screw you over. That would have really sucked.

Come here, cry, vent, celebrate - we are here for you my dear!

Thank you so much for all the kind words. It helps to hear from others at the same stage and the ones who have passed it who can assure me it gets better. I need lots of friends because mine are all married. They're sympathetic, but can't relate. And I already know about all the married friends who pull away. It is starting a bit already. But I do find it comforting to write and get responses and to write responses to others who need it.