Have you asked her? I don't mean to be flip - just curious. In my case, my wife either thought I wouldn't want to do these things, or she just didn't enjoy doing them with me as much. It hurts to realize or hear this I know... but I also know there's things I enjoy doing with other people more than with my (soon-to-be-ex) wife. Just stay strong and try to look forward...

I have asked myself that same question. My conclusion it that they try harder with the next person about pleasing them and it is all new so the spark is there. But you watch as time goes by that relationship will get old too lol

I also asked myself those same questions...many many times. The pain of my broken heart and lost dreams prevented me from seeing the answer...for my situation. It took 4 years to accept the answer. My ex simply fell out of love with me. His reasons are his own. I didnt do anything wrong. I didnt fall short as a wife, best friend, lover or person. Its him not me. He felt a need that could not be filled and focused on me for that shortage rather than looking within and fixing what was wrong. Its sad and his choice changed so many peoples lives.

I dont think the OW/OM are better people nor do I think they fill that need that they long for...they are a temporary fix to a chronic problem.

I so wish I could implant what I have learned into your hearts and minds...If I could...your pain would be gone. You would understand...you are not to blame and you will never get the answers you seek. Healing begins and ends in your own hearts...it has nothing to do with them. I truly believe we all are were we are supposed to be...doing what we are supposed to be doing. There is a purpose for all of this and someday you will see it and understand it.

Change is difficult...especially when you didnt want it. Many studies have been done on this exact topic and the results of these studies clearly show...those that were left behind and change was forced...fared so much better than those who perpetrated the change. Hold that in your minds as you heal your lives..Big Hugs...Kathy

There's a zillion reasons. Maybe she was deficient. Maybe she has a daddy conflict. Maybe she confuses sex over loving behavior. Maybe she has no satisfaction. Maybe she is an opportunist. Maybe she thinks sweet isn't ever enough or bitter seems sweet. Maybe you looked at her cross-eyed. On the flip side, even after introspection, if not finding any ownership of wrong doing on your part, you can safely conclude you did everything reasonably possible.

It's not important to ask her, why! Your ex isn't likely to give any mature logical explanation except maybe some hideous justification [and blame] defending her misconduct. What's more important, she did not reasonably turn every stone FIRST. Mature people try to jointly salvage their current relationship FIRST before calling it quits and before involving outsiders. It wasn't on her repertoire to play by the rules.

I've posted already : Don't be surprised when she boldly jump hoops trying to make her seemingly happy illusions to be socially accepted". She has to make this new relationship work at all cost, her public face is at risk for shame and disgrace. Pull up your chair, sit back, and watch the show called "Self Humiliation", aka Karma unfold.

They have checked out of the relationship long before you do in pursuit of someone (or something) else. It's sad really...when you think about it. Always looking and searching for something better to fill that need.

This is when no contact benefits you. Ask friends and family not to tell you anything she's doing. The less you know, the better for you. Otherwise you will stay immersed in the pit. (((HUGS)))

I hear ya!! Sad to say but they detached from us and then attached to someone else BEFORE they left.

I went No Contact, and I truly believe it would have taken twice as long to get where I am if I hadn't. Not that I'm done, but I've made great progress.

Hugs to you

O M G .... I seriously could have wrote this post this morning. I'm in such a state of blah anxiety and sadness that I stayed home from work today. I NEVER DO THAT!

But I was thinking this EXACT thing ...Ive been obsessed with the wtf is wrong with me idea.

I know that inside he is still the same miserable human he has become. His appearance of happiness and enjoying his new life is fake. I know this without a doubt!!!!

Like red said, they checked out. Whatever the reasons, it isn't because of us....it is because of them. They chose to quit. They chose to move on.

So why is it so hard to convince myself of this?

I think the fact that we worry about what we did wrong, or where we are flawed shows that we are the bigger person. I hate that ideal of being better than, but in this case, it is fitting. I would much rather be the one walked out on than the one who walked out. I see that as such a character flaw and I am greatful that I do not own it.

I also think Dairy is right....we will never know the answers to the questions that swirl around our heads about our ex'es. The simple fact is, there IS no rational reason. It is what it is and unfortunately all we can do is accept it and move on. It sucks.

I like how Toby relates it to maturity. Our exes most definitely are not mature. They did not conduct themselves in ways that mature adults do. Responsibility eludes them.

I'm not sure I agree with sitting back and watching the show. This concept, however true it may be....and in my case is already showing itself.....is not a comfort to me. I am not finding closure in his failure. It just hurts me more firstly because I was ever connected to him and didn't see it and secondly because it further publicizes our failure as a family. Its humiliating all the way around and hurts me.

RE: Maturity
I know my EX wasn't behaving like a married person, yet was enjoying the benefits of being one. Now he can see and speak to whoever he wants. I hope he's happy

In my case I have been lied to and cheated on for most of my 26 year marriage, most of it I did not know at the time. I remember feeling like there was something wrong with me back then and I still feel that way. I now know that he checked out a long time ago and kept up a fake front like everything was okay. Cheaters are so good at what they do. Still going thru and working on the process here, not knowing what to do and where I'll end up. I am so angry, WHY is it so easy for them to move on to greener pastures? They simply do not care, feeding their sick addiction is what matters and I think that's WHY.

I really don't think the new pastures are any greener. They still have weeds and grubs. I look at all the other couples I know who have experienced this type of betrayal......and it does seem the ones who left, are the ones who end up unhappy long term. Their lives, even if rebuilt, never seem quiet as solid or functional. There is emptiness.

For example, one of my close friends had her husband leave her when she was pregnant with their third child. He was a very "upstanding" in the community. He had a good job, made good money, had the outward appearance of being a model citizen and family man. But he was cheating on his wife.

When he left, he moved in with the OW. Then they set up house and had two kids (then got married). Today, 17years later, the OW and him are still married. The kids from his first marriage are now grown. The kids from the second OW marriage are tweeners. They appear to be a "happy family".....but deep down, its all a facade. Because those of us who know the situation continue to look at the second wife as the OW.

She will never be able to outlive that title. Even internally, she has to live with the fact that she was a mistress who ended a marriage and family. I'm sure she has to think of the fact that her husband is a cheater....hopefully she worries he will some day do it to her as well. How can any balanced individual NOT think that way?

While she has a decent relationship with the step kids from the first marriage, they will never respect her above the level of being their step mother. (The fact that they respect her at all is because of the way my friend raised her kids. She was amazing and put her own grief and pain aside to make sure her kids were well adjusted) As the adults they are becoming themselves, they fully understand the facts of what transpired between their mom, dad and the OW.

So the realities of who our exes are, what they did and how they got their "new life" will be ever present. Any percieved happiness will always have a dark underlining.

You'll never know why. That is just a painfull truth to accept. Kowing why won't change the situation.
Knowing why wouldn't make it easier to accept that she wants to be elswhere.
I feel for you. I know what it feels like.

Just to echo what Dairytech and Misred have already stated -- the EMOTIONAL DISCONNECT happened long before the actual LEAVING. By the time we were "enlightened" the leaver had been checked out of the relationship for quite awhile -- in some cases YEARS before. This is the single-most difficult part of getting through the emotional part of divorce - reaching the point of ACCEPTANCE -- knowing that your marriage is over and there is no going back. Once you get to that point, the hows whys and whens don't matter so much because there's nothing you can do to change what is. The only way you have to go is FORWARD -- sometimes one day at a time -- sometimes moment by moment. It takes a lot of effort, but it's worth it.

My therapist put me on a "schedule" of sorts when the obsessive thoughts were all-consuming. She said, "Allow yourself 15 minutes a day to stew about it. Set a timer. Sit down and STEW! Then, when the timer goes off, get up and go do something!" I thought she was crazy, but it didn't take practicing this for more than a few days to realize that it worked.

I, too, wish that I could somehow ease the pain and suffering of all the folks here who are still in the "stewing" phase, but I can't. It's inevitable that we must all walk this part of our journey alone and give ourselves time to get over the shock of it all. Remembering to BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF is probably the most important thing. If you keep beating yourself up, your healing will be very slow.

Big supportive hugs to all of you. Trust me -- there IS life after divorce and it can be a darned good one at that! Been there, done that and am enjoying my New Life to the fullest!

I've asked myself these questions a million times. I started asking them while we were still married. I've come to the conclusion that it was his problem and if he chose not to tell me, that was his problem, too. I know no one is completely free of being part of the problem, but I think the only thing wrong with me was it took me too long to get the picture and I fought back, so that my increasing frustration and anger became very evident!

I opened the subject of his absence, his lack of affection, his stinginess, my feelings of unhappiness and feeling unloved, so many times. He had ample opportunity to talk, but he would always dodge the questions by deflecting the problem back onto me or by changing the subject so that we were arguing about something totally unrelated. These are the tactics of someone who is hiding something - desperate actions of the guilty. I very much doubt that any further discussions are going to result in honest answers.

I think it's something in them and is not actually anything we've done. The more I read and the more I discuss this subject, the more convinced I become that it's got something to do with their ability to face their own issues. I know that I suggested counselling a number of times during the last twenty years of our marriage. Mostly, he refused to go. The few times he did, he refused to consider making any changes himself. Most of these people wanted him to consider me, and he would refuse to go any more. One said the words outright: "If you continue this way, you'll wake up one morning and she'll be gone." He suggested counselling once - on the day I told him I was leaving. I agreed - and he still refused to accept that he needed to make some changes himself!

Unlike most of the people here, my ex pushed me to the wall and forced me to do the walking. I don't know why he didn't go himself but am quite certain it's because of something in him.

One thing I do know is that life is a whole lot better than it was when I lived with him. I don't ever want to live with someone who would treat me like that again. You could say I finally learned the lesson I was supposed to learn?

Why things happen the way they do is going to be a mystery until we finally pass on. I expect all our questions will then be answered. I've given up trying to work out answers that no one is ever going to confirm in my lifetime anyway. I just tell myself it's a mystery I can't answer and don't spend too much time thinking about it.

love and hugs
kamary