Kellyb:
I don't think you are crazy for "still thinking he is a nice guy" but I can almost guarantee that your perception is going to change as this plays out. IMO a "nice guy" doesn't cheat on his wife and a healthy guy doesn't look at porn! And you've got sons to think about -- is THAT the kind of influence you want them to be subjected to? I don't think so.

If you are worrying about him being happy, that's a pretty sure sign of co-dependency. I highly recommend that you do some research on that and find a local, live group (CODA is one; Celebrate Recovery is another) and go to their meetings! Interdependency in a marriage is healthy; co-dependency is NOT.

Oh and as far as "he would never screw me over financially" -- honey, I hope you are right, but 99% of the folks on here will tell you that WHAT THEY SAY and what they TRY TO DO are two totally different things! Get your ducks in a row, my dear. Start gathering as much current financial information as you can get your hands on. If you have copies of your tax returns for the last 5 years PUT THEM SOMEWHERE SAFE! You are going to need all of this information for the financial settlement.

I never thought my X would be anything but fair, too, and before I could even get my head around his sudden decision to run out on our marriage, he had taken my name off every joint asset and account we had -- WITHOUT MY KNOWLEGE! Learning this after the fact made it extremely difficult for me to secure funds to retain an attorney.

My best advice to you is this: Prepare for the worst and hope for the best. But DO get help for yourself. You are going to need it!

First off, no you are not stupid. Just a warm, loving and caring woman. Second do not call him. No contact rule is a good place to start. I would be careful with his generosity. It might be a rouse to throw you off guard. Your mood swing with be all over the map. So cry if you want to. But when you see him, smile and wave. Remember this you have everything and he has nothing of value that you really need or want now.

I just want to add to Cowgirl's reply. Since this is his 2nd time SABOTAGING the marriage, his dirty little habit confirms to be permanent . He's unfixable. Everything in his life is MOTIVATED to getting his fix with porn. The proof is in the fact of his leaving his family. Who leaves a good family except addicts! And yes, don't forget the money he needs to supports his cause above all else.

If you feel the need to be " so protective" over your porn addicted husband who has left you and worry "if HE'S happy" , then stop your emotional distress. Put on your hard hat and accept your mistreatment and accept his separate living decision. I've stressed this because it does sound very co-dependent.

Listen hon, there is plenty deceptions and illusions working your mind-set. But do choose and initiate a realistic recourse for yourself. And yes, please get emotional support.

Since he left I've been telling myself the same things. Looking at my relationship thru someone else's eyes makes me embarrassed that I'm even hurting. I do miss all the fun things tho. Boating, long weekends away, etc. Sundays have become very hard because we always cooked out and had the family together. But yes, you're all right - as my counseler told me - I've been an enabler. I believe there is a man out there who will love me for everything that I am, rather than resent me for checking up on him. Even thru my heartache I do have a sense of relief that he's gone. No more feeling inadequate and unattractive and no more worrying if he's going to screw me over again - guess that one's been answered. My independant self doesn't even want a man. I sure don't need one to "complete" me. I'm just feeling awfully lonely.

All of you are right and I so appreciate the candor and honesty, but beware, I'll probably be on here every 5 minutes looking for support.

So if you need support every 5 then you will get it just by rereading posts even if someone is not on. Hugs for you!!!
Cheryl

So if you need support every 5 then you will get it just by rereading posts even if someone is not on. Hugs for you!!!
Cheryl

When I first arrived here I was on 24/7. I was still sick and couldnt work and having to go through all the stress of a divorce again...living in the same house during and after the divorce...it was a hell of a different kind. You do what you need to do to get through this. Big Hugs....Kathy

kellyb:
I never knew about DS until more than a year after the Divorce From Hell was finally final. No doubt, if I HAD known, I would have been on here 24/7 and driven everyone crazy in the process!

It's a tough place to find yourself in, but your last replies indicate that you DO have some essential truths in place. One good sign is that you are feeling the RELIEF of not having to walk on eggshells anymore. That's a big one!

Now get busy and do what you have to do. Remember -- Nothing is written in stone about financial support until it is signed and sealed! Securing your financial future should be first and foremost in your mind.

We're all here for you, my dear. Sending prayers and positive thoughts across the miles.

Im so sorry you find yourself here. Of course you're lonely -- you're used to sharing your whole life with someone and now he's gone -- so post here whenever you need too. This group can really be a lifeline, especially at the beginning when the loneliness and grief can be all encompassing. When my husband left ( 2 days before Thansgiving!) I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, and just knowing this group was out there with people who understood what it felt like really helped me get through my days.
Hugs and blessings

Kellyb.... hang in there, it does get better, though I don't have much time post divorce yet to say that. Mine was just final in April... still dealing with the various items, quit claim deed, financial divisions, etc. But for me it helps to look back in bigger chunks of time. I think about where was I emotionally one year ago... and that was BEYOND AWFUL!! I was still not telling anyone the problem... dealing with him begging me after lying and the affair discovery.... I felt at the bottom of a pit at that point. Some days I couldn't even function. I did the one hour at a time approach... the one day at a time approach was even too much sometimes. I tried to think of at least one thing that would move me forward each day.... and if I just got that one thing done, then I felt some accomplishment. Lean on good friends and take care of yourself. This board is a great place to be also. Take care....

I feel so bad for you, it is one of the worst feeling in the world. I was lucky enough to find this sight a couple of weeks after it happened to me and come here often when I am having a hard time so I don't feel so alone in my suffering. It really does help so much!

I am 7 weeks out from my husband dumping me on my birthday after 24 years of marriage, he also had a porn problem and has been abusing viagra for years apparently. (He came over last weekend to see my son and do some work on he house and an empty box from his prescription was in his pocket and I found it on the floor!) I was a pretty anxious person too, but did not take meds, and I have found that I have not been anxious about hardly anything since this happened. I think my worrying was connected to trying to control bad things from happening to my family, now it has finally sunk in that I can't control it!!!! Although the situation is still terrible, it is great not feeling anxious as much. Hopefully you will have the same experience.