Well you've come to the right place. The support and encouragement on this baord from people who have experienced this is incredible. I am so sorry you are feeling this pain - the beginning months are horrible - but believe that it does get better because it really does. 8 months for me now and I feel like I just might survive this. I don't think it will heal quicker with speaking to him all the time. I would think that just keeps reopening the wound. Take care of yourself. I couldn't eat at first either - try milkshakes - it helped me a bit.

You poor gal! Glad you are on here! Lots of good advice and support here. I would suggest a counsellor who you can get help from going through all this junk. What is the ex wanting from you? Divorce? Boy I wonder sometimes about some of these guys(yes i know women do this too) and the mid life crisis... They are sure giving up some good homes...
My heart goes out to you - do something nice for yourself- dont let your ex's actions make you doubt the good/wonderful things about yourself!
blessings,
Cheryl

I'm sorry this has happened to you. Yes, your story isn't unique.....sad fact. But I'm here to tell you it doesn't have to mean the world has ended for you and that you cannot still have a great life. Are you seeing a counselor to help guide you through this? I hope you are keeping an eye on the finances. Often times a run away spouse plays the "lets be friends" part while they drain the checking and savings account establishing their new life. I don't know you or your husband, but many people come on here saying that happened and that they never believed their spouse would do that.

Not being able to eat is normal. I think after 5 weeks of not being able to eat food I finally went to my doctor. He prescribed me Xanax which I used sparingly. He also suggested I get individual counseling. I lived on 7 up and saltine crackers for awhile and eventually got to where I could eat 1/2 of a lean cuisine dinner at lunch.

I have seen a counselor - the same one we saw for a year after his affair 3 years ago. Yes, this is the 2nd time the world has been put out from under me. We worked so hard to get past it, and for a while our marriage was stronger than ever. I could feel us getting into the same old rut over the last few months, but never saw divorce coming. He is very busy with his own business, and I'm always telling him I feel invisble. There is also the added little thing of his porn addiction! So between the affair and the porn, I am constantly feeling insecure and unatrractive. This is why I know, in the long run, it will be for the best. I really have to get my self esteem back. But it still hurts like hell.

Most of us here, our collective group have had almost everything happen or felt all that you do. I have never forgot what I felt when this happened to me... but I caution with empathy, you have to get out of the fog, to do a few thing that for the first time in a long time, will be for you. Not him, not the kids, you! A new mindset. All the joy did not leave, it feels that way. He was not your whole life, he was part of it, and part of the new mindset, is to figure out that he left and now, you have to rise up and get what you need to be alone.

If you do not have a therapist, work on finding one, it will help with the overwhelming anxiety and fear.. which you do not see yet, but have all the physical symptoms. This is a emotional roller coaster. You need someone to be objective and help. You also have to find a lawyer. Those are two big tasks. Getting a lawyer does not mean you are going to betray him or even divorce. For some, getting a free consult or finding and interviewing lawyers, makes them feel like this is a step towards wanting a divorce.. it is not. Trust us, you may be get divorced and not want to, but you have to protect yourself and get what you need to live. Your husband no matter what he says, is not going doing things in your best interest. We all hear it, but we want to do this amicable.. you may, but most here, have some issue that is a sticking point. Try and start thinking we are separate. He wants a divorce.

There is always a lot of talk on here about no contact. That is not as easy as it seems.. and your husband may be " easing" you into this. Although he means well, almost more painful. Try and not call him. Let him call you. "I call him all the time just to talk' .... what would happen if you did not. I know, because I did, and I had a lot of practice.. my ex moved out a few times before we divorced. This is one reason a therapist is a good sounding board.. we all lose someone we thought we could trust. Some, built a whole life around a spouse. You said you did not want to take him back... start trying to emotionally separate from him.

We here use the analogy of a roller coaster.. and it is true. You ride a wave of emotions, up and down. No eating part of it. Take care of yourself! For me, divorce is one the hardest things I ever had to do in life, and I have done some tough things. You will survive and you will get better.. but like all things, there it can get worse before it gets better. You have to be responsible for yourself now. If it has been 4-5 weeks, take some action. Maybe you have, and coming here is part of it. We all have different places, lives, finances, but one thing we all have in common, we are in the process or we are divorced. Good or bad, you will survive this. HUGS

You posted while I did.. and we often or should treat newbies gently.. because hearing from us there might be someone else, some people know this, but can't accept it or deal with it, You already did.. I am so glad you know why some of this is happening. Therapist is such a good move. Porn issues, big stuff and according to many therapists hard to treat and hard to stop. Porn is not about you, it about his lack of self worth and esteem. Today with interactive sexual affairs on line by webcam and the internet sites, it is even more not about you.

As to your self esteem, many suffer during a divorce some self esteem issues. You already way ahead by knowing that is an issue, and that maybe this is for the best. HUGE statement! I wish you all the best, and believe this, self awareness is the first step. Take back who you are or want to be. YOU are worth it! HUGS

AND.. I saw this over the weekend and was trying to find where you posted in a post. You are the woman who has been dealing with breast cancer. You are not typical as you wrote, my heart and support goes out to you. YOU deserve the very best and he is not that! WELCOME!

MsTerey,

My first post was today - I'm not the woman with breast cancer. Thank you and everyone for the kind words and advice. I plan on visiting this site often. I need to know that people survive this. I'm well aware of the overwhelming anxiety. I already take medicine for anxiety, which oddly enough, I am currently weaning myself off of (I've been taking it for 12 yrs). For me, if I'm going to feel like shit anyway it seems like a good time to quit. Also, when the worst that can happen happens, what's there to be afraid of?

I also know all about the roller coastal. One day I'm confident and happy, the next day I'm a puddle. I keep trying to outrun the process and know that I can't. I don't have the patience to go thru the pain. I just want to fast forward and feel normal. Silly I know.

Hugs Kelly and welcome to our group. You will find lots of support and understanding here...it was a life saver for me. You are not alone. I am almost 3 years post divorce for the 2nd time to the same man after 24 years together. It truly is a roller coaster...I cant think of a better way to describe what we go through. As MsTerey pointed out...its great you have a therapist already and you have a fairly good idea of what you need to get through the maze of emotions facing you. Since you've been through this once already...you are seeing this with a bit more clarity than most of us that arrive here. Its still a tough road to travel.

Like a lot of us here...our ex's timing is really bad. Many got the news on a special occasion's like anniversaries. I got mine on Valentines Day. So Tacky. Anyway...I want you to know you will survive this and better days are coming. Its a process that takes time and a lot of personal effort to overcome. Surround yourself with people who love and support you...force yourself to eat well...I survived on yogourt mixed with bananas for the longest time...talk with us here often and think about talking with a lawyer soon. It would not surprise me if there is someone waiting in the wings...you must protect yourself and your future...Big Hugs...Kathy

LOL - mine was on Mother's Day - well that was the day that he said there was no hope for us. Soooo - Glad he did - because I would have taken him back -

Now, 1 year later I am in such a much better place. No more porn, adult friend finder sites, drunken nights - company over all the time. Do I miss my life, sure - I miss what I wanted it to be - not what it was. If that makes any sense. Still have bad days - but most of them are good! I'm sorry your hear Kelly - but be glad you found this place - it's wonderful.

Lots of good advice. (Hugs)

kellib711: Yes, it sucks to be here, but we're all about welcoming newcomers and doing our best to walk this road with you from our different perspectives.

I am one of the old-timers on here, but I can still distinctly remember the early days of my Journey Through Hell. My amazing therapist (and a bit later, my wonderful attorney) were instrumental in getting me through the 18 Months of Hell it took to divorce the lying, cheating now-X. Your moods will swings wildly and it's often said around here "two steps forward, one step back" -- that seems to be how it goes. But once you set your mind to it, you will see that there is LIGHT and LIFE at the end of this tunnel.

Please talk to us. We are here to listen, console, cajole and every once in awhile give a well-deserved kick in the pants if that's what it takes to get you moving FORWARD again! Everyone's story i different, but we all ended up the same way -- divorced. It's not such a bad thing, really. I think of it as having gotten a big "Do-Over" at age 54 and this time, I'm doing it RIGHT!

Hugs to you this day. xoxox

Kelly, welcome to our "family". Sorry you find yourself here, but you are in good hands. If it wasn't for DS, I don't know where I would be right now. Each of us have our own stories, but many are very similar.

I do want to assure you, there is light and a great life ahead. I, too, have no more nights wondering where he is, who he is doing, and how much he is gambling. Be kind to yourself right now.

And as Ms.Terey said, no contact is the best thing you can do for yourself. Feel the pain, and you will survive. Hugs!

Kellyb711 welcome to this group. You will find so much support from this group of men and women.

I was the one to file for divorce. My ex had been working overseas and forgot he was married and comitted bigamy among other things. Some I talk about and some I don't. Making that decision to divorce wasn't easy. I have a better life now and have my daughter and sweet little granddaughter in my life. For now I'm still on the farm I started from nothing while he was first overseas.

I would also suggest that you find a Divorce Care group at one of your local churches. I found it very helpful to be around other people who knew some of what I was going through along with a therapist and an atty.

Divorce for me was a positive in my life. The process of filing and leaving behind someone I had been with for 33 years was so hard. He was no longer the man I had married so long ago. I'm better for having left the ex. My life is much quieter and I love what I am finally able to do on my own.

Welcome Kellyb711. I am also going through a divorce after 19 years of marriage and have three kids 7, 9, and 12.

The group of people here are great. They have seen it all, been through it all and can really help you through this. Come back often and ask for help when you need it.

I would offer a few pieces of advice for you that have helped me:

1. Focus on self-care. During this difficult time, you'll have the urge to not take care of yourself. Don't go there. You have to sleep, you need to eat, you have to rest. Exercise right now is a good idea and will help you feel better. One piece of advice I heard was that if you can't focus on this in a big picture way, take it step by step. Take a hot shower. Brush your hair, eat something that you don't have to make, etc.

2. Your children: After yourself, really focus on your children. They will need you right now more than ever. Find a good book on helping children through divorce. The Sandcastles book is highly recommended. They are going to be feeling tons of different feelings and may act out. Its key for you to keep a close eye on them and tend to their emotional well-being as much as you can.

3. Find a good therapist. Find someone who can help you through this difficult time. I was raised in a family where the idea of going to a therapist mean't you were a weak person. Guess what? That's wrong. I have only been in therapy for a few months and its already making a big difference for me. Having someone who can help you through this time is a good idea.

4. Your support network. Now is the time when you need your family and friends. Reach out to them and let them know you are going through a difficult time (assuming you trust them). When they offer up help, take them up on it. When they check in on you to see how you are doing, talk to them. If you have friends that you haven't stayed in touch with that could help you now, reach out to them and reconnect. Expanding your support network with friends, family, a therapist, and possibly support groups is critical. If your experience is anything like mine, you'll be surprised by some of the people that step up to support you. Its been one of the most amazing parts of this journey so far.

5. Journaling can be very helpful. Journalling here on Daily Strength can be even more helpful. You can control who sees your entries and I find that I get some great thoughts back from my friends when I post. Its been very helpful for me to process the feelings I am experiencing.

Welcome to the board. I am sorry you are going through this, but we can be here to help you. Please keep coming back and hang in there. You'll get through this!

I'm sure I'm just being stupid, but my husband is actually a good guy - he sucks as a husband tho. In a million years I would have never thought he would have had an affair 3 years ago. There were some extenuating circumstances, but no excuse. I never got over it and he got tired of me always questioning where he was, who he's talking to, etc. He also got tired of me questioning him about the computer. My counselor (who knew about the porn addition 3 yrs ago) thinks he wants his freedom to pursue his addictions.

At this point, he'll still do anything for me even if it's just talking. He doesn't want to call me because you don't know which me you'll get. Am I crazy for still thinking he's such a nice guy? I really don't think there's anyone else - our boys are over his house alot and I don't think there would be any reason to lie now. My oldest works for him and sees him every day. He says the last thing he's looking for is another woman. And that he would never screw me over financially. He's agreed to the monthly amount that I've asked for.

For some reason, I've always felt so protective over him, and even now I worry if HE'S happy. Please tell me how stupid I am!