Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
Hi everyone,
I put off writing because I don't want to complain but many posts urge others to vent here so I will express my fears and lack of progress now.
To review since there are so many new members I was separated last August because my husband of 33+ years ended our marriage over the phone and left me without a home (we were buying one in the same development as my oldest daughter but he cancelled it and I already moved to the area to stay in an apt. with my dtr. and family until our homes were built). Well, he cancelled ours by forging my signature and telling the builder that I lost my job. Then he told my pregnant-with-twins dtr. to take care of me as he was not joining us in the new city. So I am living with her to help her financially and with her 3 children until this summer. I did contract on a smaller home on the same street as my husband and I were to live. I am sure he is not happy that I will be living so close to her as he plans to move to the same city next year :(
Anyway, I was devastated and in shock that my best friend and husband would ever do this to me. I thought we had a good marriage and still can not get over the shock. I was unable to function for 3 months and have gone back to work now and thought I was doing ok - even Christmas was fine as I counted my blessings and thought positive thoughts and spent it with my 2 dtrs. I went to a doctor, therapy and support and social groups and had hard times but thought I would get through this.
Lately, all I can do is cry and think negative thoughts. I am terrified to be alone the rest of my life (I am almost 58). I know I am codependent but all I think about are the good times with him and dwell on how he could walk away from our relationship. He is a nice and kind man but became so nasty and blamed me for everything. He has said such ugly things which hurt me to the core but I love and miss him so much it is torture to go on sometimes. I feel as though my life will never be happy again. I am taking antidepressants but having been feeling even more depressed and anxious all the time. I hate doing anything except for school (I am a teacher). I don't listen to music (it all makes me cry) or TV. I can't do anything to make me happy. I hide this from my daughter because she loves her dad and says she hasn't even grieved yet for the loss of her intact family so my sadness makes it worse for her. I do help with the baby twins but the joy is so much destroyed because I miss the plans my husband and I had to spend our later years enjoying our family. It is so unfair that other people have happy marriages and I never imagined my life would turn out this way. I was such a loyal wife and I could almost be 100% sure he never cheated on me. That makes it worse because he left because he stopped loving me and so what is wrong with me.
Looking back now after these almost 6 months I finally see things about our marriage that was not making me happy. But I suppressed it for a long time because I loved him and wanted to stay married and enjoy my family. I miss almost everything about being married and feel so empty and without a purpose. I don't want to be single yet I know I must be able to love myself and be independent before I can think about another relationship. But I obsess about how lonely life will be without a husband to come home to. I have been taking many steps to heal and reach out to others but it doesn't seem to get better.. I can't get him and the shock out of my mind. My therapist tells me that she is concerned that I am heading into victim mode.
Your past advice to me was much appreciated and I read everyone else's posts so I learn a lot from those. Everyone on here had or are having their own difficulties and pain so I feel selfish for posting all of this. It's just that because I am home due to schools closing from snow I had time to write all of this down. I really need to start journaling as my therapist says it helps so I guess I will print this up and start one.
In my Rebuilding Your LIfe class, we have to write a good-bye letter to our spouse and not mail it. I cry just thinking about that finality. I still have fantasies that he will appear in my classroom and tell me that he made a huge mistake and loves me so much. I WANT to move on and have a happy life but I am so afraid it will not happen and I will never find a man who loves me again. I am not sure of how long my husband actually did love me because he said he should have left me a very long time ago. That just stabbed me in my heart because I had no idea I wasn't loved. I also have a narcissistic mother who isn't capable of real love and has always been self-centered and selfish so the 2 people who should love me the most don't.
I am feeling like I wish I wasn't alive anymore as the pain is unbearable lately. I am not going to do anything to hurt myself but I don't know what to do now. I am so sorry to write all of this but I am feeling desperate and overwhelmed. Please let me know what I should do to help myself - I have already done it all - doctor, meds, therapy sessions, Rebuilding classes, DivorceCare, meetup groups, go to work, buy a house, etc. I am proud of what I have done already but I hate this codependent, negative thinking. Maybe I will not be able to change that about myself. I am beating myself up because I feel that I need to have a man to make me happy but the worst thing is that it is probably true for me.
Thank you for the opportunities I have had to write to all of you and give you support and encouragement. It makes me feel good to be able to give it back as well. You are all wonderful and brave women and I look up to you as such positive role models. I really care about all of you and wish you all the best.
Hugs,
Donna
I put off writing because I don't want to complain but many posts urge others to vent here so I will express my fears and lack of progress now.
To review since there are so many new members I was separated last August because my husband of 33+ years ended our marriage over the phone and left me without a home (we were buying one in the same development as my oldest daughter but he cancelled it and I already moved to the area to stay in an apt. with my dtr. and family until our homes were built). Well, he cancelled ours by forging my signature and telling the builder that I lost my job. Then he told my pregnant-with-twins dtr. to take care of me as he was not joining us in the new city. So I am living with her to help her financially and with her 3 children until this summer. I did contract on a smaller home on the same street as my husband and I were to live. I am sure he is not happy that I will be living so close to her as he plans to move to the same city next year :(
Anyway, I was devastated and in shock that my best friend and husband would ever do this to me. I thought we had a good marriage and still can not get over the shock. I was unable to function for 3 months and have gone back to work now and thought I was doing ok - even Christmas was fine as I counted my blessings and thought positive thoughts and spent it with my 2 dtrs. I went to a doctor, therapy and support and social groups and had hard times but thought I would get through this.
Lately, all I can do is cry and think negative thoughts. I am terrified to be alone the rest of my life (I am almost 58). I know I am codependent but all I think about are the good times with him and dwell on how he could walk away from our relationship. He is a nice and kind man but became so nasty and blamed me for everything. He has said such ugly things which hurt me to the core but I love and miss him so much it is torture to go on sometimes. I feel as though my life will never be happy again. I am taking antidepressants but having been feeling even more depressed and anxious all the time. I hate doing anything except for school (I am a teacher). I don't listen to music (it all makes me cry) or TV. I can't do anything to make me happy. I hide this from my daughter because she loves her dad and says she hasn't even grieved yet for the loss of her intact family so my sadness makes it worse for her. I do help with the baby twins but the joy is so much destroyed because I miss the plans my husband and I had to spend our later years enjoying our family. It is so unfair that other people have happy marriages and I never imagined my life would turn out this way. I was such a loyal wife and I could almost be 100% sure he never cheated on me. That makes it worse because he left because he stopped loving me and so what is wrong with me.
Looking back now after these almost 6 months I finally see things about our marriage that was not making me happy. But I suppressed it for a long time because I loved him and wanted to stay married and enjoy my family. I miss almost everything about being married and feel so empty and without a purpose. I don't want to be single yet I know I must be able to love myself and be independent before I can think about another relationship. But I obsess about how lonely life will be without a husband to come home to. I have been taking many steps to heal and reach out to others but it doesn't seem to get better.. I can't get him and the shock out of my mind. My therapist tells me that she is concerned that I am heading into victim mode.
Your past advice to me was much appreciated and I read everyone else's posts so I learn a lot from those. Everyone on here had or are having their own difficulties and pain so I feel selfish for posting all of this. It's just that because I am home due to schools closing from snow I had time to write all of this down. I really need to start journaling as my therapist says it helps so I guess I will print this up and start one.
In my Rebuilding Your LIfe class, we have to write a good-bye letter to our spouse and not mail it. I cry just thinking about that finality. I still have fantasies that he will appear in my classroom and tell me that he made a huge mistake and loves me so much. I WANT to move on and have a happy life but I am so afraid it will not happen and I will never find a man who loves me again. I am not sure of how long my husband actually did love me because he said he should have left me a very long time ago. That just stabbed me in my heart because I had no idea I wasn't loved. I also have a narcissistic mother who isn't capable of real love and has always been self-centered and selfish so the 2 people who should love me the most don't.
I am feeling like I wish I wasn't alive anymore as the pain is unbearable lately. I am not going to do anything to hurt myself but I don't know what to do now. I am so sorry to write all of this but I am feeling desperate and overwhelmed. Please let me know what I should do to help myself - I have already done it all - doctor, meds, therapy sessions, Rebuilding classes, DivorceCare, meetup groups, go to work, buy a house, etc. I am proud of what I have done already but I hate this codependent, negative thinking. Maybe I will not be able to change that about myself. I am beating myself up because I feel that I need to have a man to make me happy but the worst thing is that it is probably true for me.
Thank you for the opportunities I have had to write to all of you and give you support and encouragement. It makes me feel good to be able to give it back as well. You are all wonderful and brave women and I look up to you as such positive role models. I really care about all of you and wish you all the best.
Hugs,
Donna
Give yourself time, and you gotta feel what you feel. Journaling has helped me a lot, and also posting here.
Hugs to you
Lori
That's why this is the place to vent. We all understand and remember that we too were on here a lot sharing our pain. When you share it, we can respond and encourage. We can tell you that everything is going to be ok. We can surround you with hugs and prayers. Write as often as you want, and journal as well. It's what will help you process.
One thing that I wish I had learned earlier, and it was just that I had so much to process that I couldn't get it all in. But I had such a hard time understanding how my best friend (like you, I realize it may not have been what I thought it was) could walk away. How he could hurt me so badly. I read books, and couldn't find the "answer". So about 2 years into the healing process I said, "Why am I still so emotional. Most people are working through their divorces and seeing light at the end of the tunnel. Why does it still overwhelm me. And he said, "you have had so much to process that you haven't grieved the "loss of your dream". And then it hit me. That was the missing piece. Without it, I couldn't find closure. I realized that I had seen it coming for a couple of years. My x was verbally and emotionally abusive. What I had figured out in my head, I hadn't healed in my heart. My dream of an intact family was over. And all the dreams I had put on a shelf to fulfill his dream were still on the shelf. I had to sit down, acknowledge what wasn't ever reality, what was my new reality, and realize that I didn't want HIM back. I just wanted my "DREAM" back. So when I finally realized that my DREAM was not longer what I wanted, I was able to put it on the table, look at it, and grieve its loss. When I did that, the turnaround happened. Again, it's never overnight. We want that so badly sometimes, though, don't we. Just STOP THE PAIN. But I was far enough down my road of recovery that I knew the pain was going away. I just had a few more closets to clean out.
Divorcecare says it takes 1 year for every 4 years you were married. So, I knew it would take me at least 8 years, depending on how much I worked to get healing. Now, we don't stop our lives for 8 years. You do get healing and can move forward much sooner, but cleaning out all the closets takes time. And we can only process as fast as our emotions and bodies let us. So, I have been on a quest. I am working HARD to keep processing and finding what I am still denying. I just had an aha moment a week ago. I realized that sometimes it's easier to be resentful than vulnerable because vulnerability means trust. But what a gift. So I am on my next road to healing. At this end, it seems to be faster, but still a process. I am on my last year. It may take me a little longer, but I wasn't nearly as hard on myself when I realized that it would take a lot of time. So, I have nurtured myself, been kind to myself, and keep moving forward.
I could really really relate to your comment about music. It still makes me cry. Weird huh. But I am NOW working on it in counseling. And here's what I learned. Music is the language of the heart. And when you hear music, it triggers your emotions. It's not a bad thing. It's good. But sometimes, it's just too much. But now, when I cry, I journal what triggered my tears and work on that. I talk about it to my counselor or husband and am working towards complete healing. I was able to listen to Christmas music for the first time in 7 years this last Christmas without crying! Yay!
I know I've said this many times on this board, but it's worth every effort you put into your healing. Invest in you. Listen to your heart. Nurture your emotions to "hear" what your heart is telling you. You'll be amazed at how many other hurts are in there that you didn't realize you were hiding away.
Lots of hugs
Cali
Give yourself credit! It's HUGE to even recognize where you are in the hellish process of putting your life back together and setting out on a new path. Many new members come onto this site in a state of desperation and grief, asking questions and completely unsure of what happened to them and how to progress. And THAT, my dear, is normal! You are taking care of YOU by doing all the positive things - the hard work as it were - to heal and move through the grief cycle.
Set-backs are perfectly normal. Don't worry yourself about them. I know - we ALL know - how disconcerting it is to be going along, feeling like we've progressed to a 'next stage' or whatever and then....bammo! We find ourselves down in the depths of despair again. We don't even WANT to be consoled or told that it's a stage or this too shall pass; all the comforting words or gestures and expressions of support/love just don't get us through. We just have to 'be' in that little cocoon of grief again....for a bit!
So be there. As others have said, six months is a very short period post-marriage. I think that you have your head on straight, have a super support network in place, and are well on your way to becoming the new you.
And I say becoming the new you because it's true! You will never be the same. Life as you knew it will never be the same. Something you held dear and valued beyond measure ended. But YOU did not end. You will be re-born and an empowered and enlightened middle-aged (58? You have TONS of life to live yet!) woman will emerge.
You don't even NEED to believe that yet. But it will happen. Day by day, month by month, you are 'becoming'. You will leave behind parts of your past - perhaps hobbies and friends that you could never imagine would not be part of your life will end. New and dear friends will enter your life. You will come to value and be incredibly grateful for all that is good in your life. The happy memories (surely they are not ALL happy!) from your marriage will fade. You will dream again - happy dreams - and make plans.
You will live for tomorrow, and begin to plan a future for yourself. You'll begin to feel free. You no longer have to take care of a family home - you have done the hard work of being a wife and mother. Now it's about your own happiness! Love those grandbabies and revel in the pleasure of NOT having the responsibility of raising them! Been there done that! Pass on words of wisdom and support to your daughters; but don't carry the weight - the burden even - of worrying about the day to day issues of house and family.
I think you are doing just fine. And things are getting better for you. Hang tough sister - you're a survivor!
Hugs!
Its also true that your life will never be the same...thank goodness eh! Imagine a life on your terms...a happy and content life...someone who actually shares your dreams rather than destroys them. When I realized that I spent 24 years with my ex...a lifetime to me...I was 53 then...soon I too am going to be 58...but I still have another 20 good years left...a whole other lifetime and I can spend it anyway I want...thats freedom...Big Hugs...Kathy
God bless .
Bob
Just remember we are always here to talk to you and walk with you. You will find happiness again.
Hugs!!!!!