Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
Hi everyone,
I put off writing because I don't want to complain but many posts urge others to vent here so I will express my fears and lack of progress now.
To review since there are so many new members I was separated last August because my husband of 33+ years ended our marriage over the phone and left me without a home (we were buying one in the same development as my oldest daughter but he cancelled it and I already moved to the area to stay in an apt. with my dtr. and family until our homes were built). Well, he cancelled ours by forging my signature and telling the builder that I lost my job. Then he told my pregnant-with-twins dtr. to take care of me as he was not joining us in the new city. So I am living with her to help her financially and with her 3 children until this summer. I did contract on a smaller home on the same street as my husband and I were to live. I am sure he is not happy that I will be living so close to her as he plans to move to the same city next year :(
Anyway, I was devastated and in shock that my best friend and husband would ever do this to me. I thought we had a good marriage and still can not get over the shock. I was unable to function for 3 months and have gone back to work now and thought I was doing ok - even Christmas was fine as I counted my blessings and thought positive thoughts and spent it with my 2 dtrs. I went to a doctor, therapy and support and social groups and had hard times but thought I would get through this.
Lately, all I can do is cry and think negative thoughts. I am terrified to be alone the rest of my life (I am almost 58). I know I am codependent but all I think about are the good times with him and dwell on how he could walk away from our relationship. He is a nice and kind man but became so nasty and blamed me for everything. He has said such ugly things which hurt me to the core but I love and miss him so much it is torture to go on sometimes. I feel as though my life will never be happy again. I am taking antidepressants but having been feeling even more depressed and anxious all the time. I hate doing anything except for school (I am a teacher). I don't listen to music (it all makes me cry) or TV. I can't do anything to make me happy. I hide this from my daughter because she loves her dad and says she hasn't even grieved yet for the loss of her intact family so my sadness makes it worse for her. I do help with the baby twins but the joy is so much destroyed because I miss the plans my husband and I had to spend our later years enjoying our family. It is so unfair that other people have happy marriages and I never imagined my life would turn out this way. I was such a loyal wife and I could almost be 100% sure he never cheated on me. That makes it worse because he left because he stopped loving me and so what is wrong with me.
Looking back now after these almost 6 months I finally see things about our marriage that was not making me happy. But I suppressed it for a long time because I loved him and wanted to stay married and enjoy my family. I miss almost everything about being married and feel so empty and without a purpose. I don't want to be single yet I know I must be able to love myself and be independent before I can think about another relationship. But I obsess about how lonely life will be without a husband to come home to. I have been taking many steps to heal and reach out to others but it doesn't seem to get better.. I can't get him and the shock out of my mind. My therapist tells me that she is concerned that I am heading into victim mode.
Your past advice to me was much appreciated and I read everyone else's posts so I learn a lot from those. Everyone on here had or are having their own difficulties and pain so I feel selfish for posting all of this. It's just that because I am home due to schools closing from snow I had time to write all of this down. I really need to start journaling as my therapist says it helps so I guess I will print this up and start one.
In my Rebuilding Your LIfe class, we have to write a good-bye letter to our spouse and not mail it. I cry just thinking about that finality. I still have fantasies that he will appear in my classroom and tell me that he made a huge mistake and loves me so much. I WANT to move on and have a happy life but I am so afraid it will not happen and I will never find a man who loves me again. I am not sure of how long my husband actually did love me because he said he should have left me a very long time ago. That just stabbed me in my heart because I had no idea I wasn't loved. I also have a narcissistic mother who isn't capable of real love and has always been self-centered and selfish so the 2 people who should love me the most don't.
I am feeling like I wish I wasn't alive anymore as the pain is unbearable lately. I am not going to do anything to hurt myself but I don't know what to do now. I am so sorry to write all of this but I am feeling desperate and overwhelmed. Please let me know what I should do to help myself - I have already done it all - doctor, meds, therapy sessions, Rebuilding classes, DivorceCare, meetup groups, go to work, buy a house, etc. I am proud of what I have done already but I hate this codependent, negative thinking. Maybe I will not be able to change that about myself. I am beating myself up because I feel that I need to have a man to make me happy but the worst thing is that it is probably true for me.
Thank you for the opportunities I have had to write to all of you and give you support and encouragement. It makes me feel good to be able to give it back as well. You are all wonderful and brave women and I look up to you as such positive role models. I really care about all of you and wish you all the best.
Hugs,
Donna
I put off writing because I don't want to complain but many posts urge others to vent here so I will express my fears and lack of progress now.
To review since there are so many new members I was separated last August because my husband of 33+ years ended our marriage over the phone and left me without a home (we were buying one in the same development as my oldest daughter but he cancelled it and I already moved to the area to stay in an apt. with my dtr. and family until our homes were built). Well, he cancelled ours by forging my signature and telling the builder that I lost my job. Then he told my pregnant-with-twins dtr. to take care of me as he was not joining us in the new city. So I am living with her to help her financially and with her 3 children until this summer. I did contract on a smaller home on the same street as my husband and I were to live. I am sure he is not happy that I will be living so close to her as he plans to move to the same city next year :(
Anyway, I was devastated and in shock that my best friend and husband would ever do this to me. I thought we had a good marriage and still can not get over the shock. I was unable to function for 3 months and have gone back to work now and thought I was doing ok - even Christmas was fine as I counted my blessings and thought positive thoughts and spent it with my 2 dtrs. I went to a doctor, therapy and support and social groups and had hard times but thought I would get through this.
Lately, all I can do is cry and think negative thoughts. I am terrified to be alone the rest of my life (I am almost 58). I know I am codependent but all I think about are the good times with him and dwell on how he could walk away from our relationship. He is a nice and kind man but became so nasty and blamed me for everything. He has said such ugly things which hurt me to the core but I love and miss him so much it is torture to go on sometimes. I feel as though my life will never be happy again. I am taking antidepressants but having been feeling even more depressed and anxious all the time. I hate doing anything except for school (I am a teacher). I don't listen to music (it all makes me cry) or TV. I can't do anything to make me happy. I hide this from my daughter because she loves her dad and says she hasn't even grieved yet for the loss of her intact family so my sadness makes it worse for her. I do help with the baby twins but the joy is so much destroyed because I miss the plans my husband and I had to spend our later years enjoying our family. It is so unfair that other people have happy marriages and I never imagined my life would turn out this way. I was such a loyal wife and I could almost be 100% sure he never cheated on me. That makes it worse because he left because he stopped loving me and so what is wrong with me.
Looking back now after these almost 6 months I finally see things about our marriage that was not making me happy. But I suppressed it for a long time because I loved him and wanted to stay married and enjoy my family. I miss almost everything about being married and feel so empty and without a purpose. I don't want to be single yet I know I must be able to love myself and be independent before I can think about another relationship. But I obsess about how lonely life will be without a husband to come home to. I have been taking many steps to heal and reach out to others but it doesn't seem to get better.. I can't get him and the shock out of my mind. My therapist tells me that she is concerned that I am heading into victim mode.
Your past advice to me was much appreciated and I read everyone else's posts so I learn a lot from those. Everyone on here had or are having their own difficulties and pain so I feel selfish for posting all of this. It's just that because I am home due to schools closing from snow I had time to write all of this down. I really need to start journaling as my therapist says it helps so I guess I will print this up and start one.
In my Rebuilding Your LIfe class, we have to write a good-bye letter to our spouse and not mail it. I cry just thinking about that finality. I still have fantasies that he will appear in my classroom and tell me that he made a huge mistake and loves me so much. I WANT to move on and have a happy life but I am so afraid it will not happen and I will never find a man who loves me again. I am not sure of how long my husband actually did love me because he said he should have left me a very long time ago. That just stabbed me in my heart because I had no idea I wasn't loved. I also have a narcissistic mother who isn't capable of real love and has always been self-centered and selfish so the 2 people who should love me the most don't.
I am feeling like I wish I wasn't alive anymore as the pain is unbearable lately. I am not going to do anything to hurt myself but I don't know what to do now. I am so sorry to write all of this but I am feeling desperate and overwhelmed. Please let me know what I should do to help myself - I have already done it all - doctor, meds, therapy sessions, Rebuilding classes, DivorceCare, meetup groups, go to work, buy a house, etc. I am proud of what I have done already but I hate this codependent, negative thinking. Maybe I will not be able to change that about myself. I am beating myself up because I feel that I need to have a man to make me happy but the worst thing is that it is probably true for me.
Thank you for the opportunities I have had to write to all of you and give you support and encouragement. It makes me feel good to be able to give it back as well. You are all wonderful and brave women and I look up to you as such positive role models. I really care about all of you and wish you all the best.
Hugs,
Donna
There is nothing to be ashamed over wanting your husband to come back. After I filed for divorce I still wore my wedding ring and acted married and hoped he would step up and do the work on our marriage. But once the decree was final, I gave up that hope. It was now my time.
You wrote about him being loving and caring then suddenly changed. That stuck out to me. That is behavior typical of cheaters. I could be wrong. Anyway, he says those things because he has to justify himself.
I doubt you will be alone. Living so close to your daughter you will get to enjoy them and watch them grow up. It will be fun.
I am so very sorry you are hurting but it is normal at this point still.
((((((hugs))))))))
So here we are, dealing witht things we were never prepared to deal with.
That said my dear, YOU WILL SURVIVE THIS!!!! Sometimes, in my low moments, it helps me to look outside of my own little shadow box and look how other women have managed to navigate this ocean of emotion. I've yet to meet one who didn't come out alive on the other side.
It's all about OUR choices from here on out. We can either let this destroy us, or we can carry on and move foreward (Hopefully and upwards).
Don't worry about being alone....I know I do it too....but maybe someone will come, maybe someone wont....either way....be determind to be the BEST YOU that you can be.
<3
Something you said jumped out at me and that was that you are on antidepressants and emotionally you feel worse. I think that is worth discussing with your doctor. What you are taking may not be the right one for you These things can cause suicidal thoughts or if you already had them it can make them worse. I just think it's worth talking about with the doctor maybe the particular ones you are on are contributing to how bad you are feeling and maybe there is something better.
I can only echo what everyone else has said. It is still so early for you. For me as well. For so many years of our lives, we only knew one way of living and it's like having to relearn everything. I feel much like you do at times Like If I am not "his wife" then who the hell am I? I saw cards in the store the other day for Valentines day that said "to my lovely wife" "to my wonderful husband" blah blah blah... but it really hit me. I will have no husband and I will no longer be anyone's wife. It hurts. No doubt about that. If you or I didn't feel tremendous pain over this something would be seriously wrong with me. They were all we knew for the majority of our lives. What we are going through is normal.
As much as we would like it to just end and as much as we would like to feel better now, it simply can't be rushed. I have never hated a word in the english language as much as I hate the word "process" The divorce process, the grieving process, this is a process. Ugh! It is all true though it is a process, but that word can also be perceived as we know it doesn't stay this way as you. You never hear the word process and think of something being stagnant or not moving "progress" through this "process" it will get better.
We can't count on one thing in this. " Nothing stays the same" not what you once felt you had, and not what you are feeling now. So when we are happy, we have to cherish it, because it can change in an instant and when we are sad, we can take comfort in the fact that it will also not last forever. Saying prayers for you and sending you huge cyber (((((((((hugs))))) Hang in there this too shall pass.
Daily Strength has the goal setting thing and I think it is good to set a goal separate from the trauma you are experiencing. I've chosen ballroom dancing and running. I would suggest you seek some kind of activity or interest that could occupy your mind during this tough time.
Finally, 6 months is just the beginning. Give yourself a break. Grief is such a process. I would not dwell on your grief with your daughters but I wouldn't hide it either. They need to be compassionate. I understand that they think that he could toss them aside just like he did you. Unfortunately they are right. He has no loyalty and you can bet that when he has to decide between her and them, he will choose her. In the end, he and the OW will lead a shell of his former life. It will not be pretty.
Hugs and prayers for you!
Diane
Donna, first of all, thanks for caring and helping me out many times.
I know that you are at a low point...........and I know the awful feeling.
IT WILL PASS .
As I said here many times I use to listen to talk shows on the radio.
It helped because I couldn't think of the past and the show at the same time .
It helped !
You had a very difficult separation ...........divorce . He was not very nice to you.
The cheaters never are !!!!!!!!
Also stay with your therapist.......... don't stop. Don't stop going to your divorce groups either .
Every little bit helps.
My x left me in 2007 and I got divorced in 2009. So, I've been around here for some time ..
I hit all the highs and lows ...... each time got less sever and lasted for a shorter time .
I figure it this way NOW ..........She made a choice ..........She's doesn't want to be with me anymore ....................... OK............ I'm very sorry about that , but .....You know what !!!!! I'm a nice person and that's her loss .......... I can't change her (God knows ,I tried ) Sooooooooooo, We go on.
We become even better people then we were .
Soooooooooooooooo, Donna ............. go ahead and cry ...it's alright ... Try to think about something else .Even if its for a minute or two ................. The minutes will get longer .
Plus. oh please don't ever feel that you shouldn't write your feelings here on D&S ..We have One thing to be thankful for and that's D&S and the many great people here. You are one of those great people !
I wish that I could have one big party with everyone .
OK, got to go to sleep......................... Do your best.....
We're with you on your recovery journey ............. We all love you !!!
Timeman .Bob
You put a smile on my face when I read that I was "one of those great people." Thank you and everyone else that wrote and encouraged me so much. It is so much appreciated and helpful. I feel so overwhelmed by all of you and those that even sent me private messages. I feel that I have such a great group of friends! I hope to pay it back someday to the newbies when I am not one of them :)
Everyone's advice is so helpful. I tried to make an appt. with another doctor because I don't feel that the psychiatrist I was seeing even knows why I came to see her. She just asks me questions about the meds and types my answers on her computer without ever even looking at me. But all doctor offices are closed now due to the storm. Maybe they will open tomorrow - we'll see.
First, I want to reach into this computer and somehow give you a hug. It breaks my heart that you are going through this terrible emotional roller coaster. But, as everyone has already said, this is completely normal. I've learned a lot through my own separation and divorce, and I've also done a lot of research so that I can better understand what's going on in my head. What you've described is, for better or worse, part of the grief process. It helped me to know that I wasn't crazy. Knowing that does very little to quell the intense feelings of loss, abandonment, shock, confusion, and grief. But, rest assured that you are progressing through the grief journey right on schedule. Hopefully that will give you at least a little peace of mind.
Secondly, I beg you to never act on your present feelings that your life isn't worth living. I've been there, more times than I care to admit. I got to the point of planning, which is terrifying. The only thing that kept me from taking the next step was thinking of how much I would hurt my children. I just couldn't put them through that. Eventually, those feelings went away. Now, I see that there are so many things that I want to live for, things I want to accomplish, and things that mean a lot more to me than I realized. You WILL get there, too. I absolutely promise you that. Don't give up.
When you feel intense sadness and need to cry, then cry. Wail. Beat on the wall. Do whatever you need to do to get those emotions out. It's not at all a sign of weakness that you need to do these things. It's absolutely essential for your emotional well-being and for you to process your grief.
As for your recollection of your ex, I will tell you what worked for me. I had mine high up on a pedestal. I fantasized daily about him coming to his senses and begging to come back. I suffered, and still do somewhat, with PTSD flashbacks of happy memories from our life that would bring me to my knees. My therapist told me to journal, every day if at all possible. In particular, spend time listing all the ways you weren't happy in your marriage. List all of the things you didn't like about your ex. Be brutally honest with yourself. Do this as many times as it takes for you to start to see him for who and what he really is. I don't need to know him to know who and what he is. He broke his vows to you. He left you. That's all I need to know. He doesn't deserve YOU. Over time, you will realize this for yourself, and it's a wonderful thing.
The letter is a great idea. I actually wrote several to my ex. The key is to NEVER send them. They are for you, not for him. In my book list, there's a book you may want to read now: Releasing a Person by Kathryn Alice. The process of releasing and letting go is ongoing. It's not a one time and your done sort of thing. It takes time, especially when you were with someone for as long as you were. Allow yourself that time.
Right now the grief is thick and all around you. Think of it like a cloud. As you progress on your journey to healing, that cloud begins to lift and spread out. Eventually, the cloud rises and disperses and you will be able to see more clearly and feel a relief from its heaviness. You will start to develop yourself and become interested in the things you love once again. It just takes time.
I found that reading helped me a lot. Not only did I learn a lot, but it felt as though the author knew me and what I was going through. Why? Because she went through it herself. Through her words, I felt empowered, understood, and validated. I've read and re-read a number of the books on that list. Each time, I learn something new. Each time, I take away something that helps me cope and heal and grow. Each time, I felt a little more of my sadness and grief lift. Perhaps it might do that for you, too?
The great news is that you have all of us here. You are loved and appreciated here. You can count on that. One day, when you least expect it, you will suddenly feel the urge to smile and laugh. It might be over something so silly and unexpected. Do it! Laugh so loud that people wonder if you're stoned. It's okay to keep them guessing. I do it all the time. The sadness will wander its way back in from time to time, but that's okay. You cannot see the stars without darkness or experience a rainbow without a storm.
More important than anything else, you should know what a beautiful and immense treasure you are. There's nobody on this earth like you. You have within you the seeds for a remarkable and meaningful life. The tears you shed will water them, and they will sprout and grow. Tend to them, a little at a time. We can all look forward to watching you become the woman you are meant to be. I can't wait to see what you do!
Love and hugs to you,
Kim
Thank you all again for your support - I am happy that many of you are doing so well. This is such a long process and I just hope to come out of it and enjoy my life. And yes, I wish we could all meet at one big party too!
((((((((((HUGS)))))))))
Donna
I just read your post after my last one. Once again, you wrote such a beautiful response. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for the time and love you spend answering me and many others on this site.
I relate so much to your story especially about feeling like life is not really worth it. I, at the very beginning, also had a plan but did not carry it out because of the hurt that would cause my children and parents. It was very upsetting to then feel better and then regress back to that state again these past 2 weeks (although I did not plan it this time as I know I would never do anything to hurt myself). Just having those hopeless feelings was awful enough. But knowing you felt that way too and are now doing so well really helps!!! I have some hope that I will be better just reading what you and others post. My therapist told me that I have to trust the process when I became so unconsolable with my support group this week. I am trying but I have regressed so much these past weeks.
It helps to know that my feelings are normal because it doesn't feel that way at all. I see others in my groups that seem to be handling things so much better and I worry that I'll never get there. But I do feel reassured by all of our friends on DS and I hope that others read these threads and feel better too.
I will start journaling as has been suggested by you and others. I did at the very beginning but have since stopped. And I will read the book you just recommended as well. Bless you for saying that you will be with me and look forward to my progress. That is a loyalty that brings tears to my eyes because although my husband did not cheat on me or have anyone else he was not loyal and left me. I am still reeling from the shock of it.
I wish you and the rest of my DS friends a good week and thanks to all of you once again. I was afraid that no one would write back (my insecurity never leaves me) and I am amazed that so many cared enough to respond
Love to all of you,
Donna
Your therapist is right, about trusting the process. I think this is more about you being worried you will always feel this way. There are lots of us here who can testify that you wont. Of course that could change, but it would be YOUR choice. But I am willing to bet a hundred dollars you won't because I have read the work you are doing to move forward. Hang in there (((HUGS)))