hey everyone! this is my first post, so a brief background:

i was always a chubby kid, but then i learned that i was overweight. i was super stressed and with a lot of fluctuations, got my weight down by around 9 pounds in a short amount of time. however, this was through unhealthy methods like irregular eating, skipping meals, and throwing up. in the end, i gained a lot of the weight back and lost even more self-esteem. i've fluctuated like crazy for a year now, and now i'm working on losing weight in a long term sense while also learning to love myself. the problem is that one of the fluctuations was when i let myself too loose and was briefly a very happy person, but the phase only lasted a few weeks. right now, it takes a lot of effort not to throw up after feeling like i've eaten too much, even if normally people wouldn't consider it a huge deal.

how do you help yourself mentally and physically at the same time while trying to lose weight?

edit: i forgot to mention this, but i have a friend, "z", who is incredibly beautiful and she knows it. i'm not saying that i have something against people that conform with society's standards; my best friend is incredibly beautiful but she doesn't try to indirectly show it off all the time. z is skinny and loves drawing attention to herself; the other day, she kept talking about how hungry she was because she "only ate 400 calories" when i know she ate over 1000. i know this is very petty of me but it was obvious that she's trying to appear like someone that's dieting just to get people to compliment her instead. personally, that day i ate probably 600 calories and was absolutely famished, and though 1000 is still obviously not enough, i didn't go around telling people about my own bad decisions to fish for more compliments. she consistently makes me feel terrible about myself, and often times i know that she's doing so intentionally.

she knows that i'm trying to lose weight and basically turns it into a race or a contest of who's doing more to supposedly diet, which really frustrates me. i don't publicly talk about my diet unless it's with good friends, but a lot of people can tell because of certain things like what i eat at group dinners for activities. z, knowing perfectly well that she is skinny and beautiful, talks about her unhealthy lifestyle (such as not eating enough) while i am present, which makes it increasingly awkward for me because the others that get the notion that i'm trying to lose weight are reminded of my presence there as the fatter, uglier one trying to lose weight. i can't say anything, which is awkward because then i just seem sad or resentful (which is true), because if i said something then i'd be falling into her trap and just putting myself out there even more as the "dieter".

her superiority complex completely astounds me; i didn't know someone my age could still be that immature and entitled. however, i can't just drop her from my life. i can't explain this well, but she and i likely have to work together for an activity for the rest of high school, and i don't know how i'm going to be able to happily lose weight slowly with her always there.