Last night was the lowest point for me. In the past few weeks since giving up my part time job I've truly let myself go. I don't know  whether it is the shame and embarrassment for not being able to manage it, or the guilt at not having to work while others around me do. I don't know if it is the boredom of not having to do anything or the relief of being able to do absolutely nothing if I don't feel like doing anything at all.

But I've found I've completely lost my motivation to eat healthy and get out in the fresh air and walk as often as I can like I used too. I'm not taking all the blame here though exercise wise (I'm definitely someone who doesn't like taking responsibility I've come to realise) as the weather lately has been pretty rainy and windy most days apart from the odd dry day.

But I take full responsibility for how much I've been drinking and eating. I think what's come as a bit of a shock to me is that I'm a comfort eater and I have a food addiction. I really bloody ADORE chocolate, fatty food and sweet alcohol and crave it...ALL THE TIME. I feel happy when I have it and the buzz and pleasure I get just before I have it is totally addictive, an almost physical bodily response.

But the low...my god, the crushing all consuming, suffocating bloody low that comes after is unbearable. The running to a mirror, sticking out my bloated stomach, pinching my fat and absolutely HATING myself....this has got to stop. I can't keep doing it too myself, loathing myself then trying to go on a strict diet for a few days. Then eating a little bit too much then thinking "f**k it!" and stuffing myself. ...a vicious exhausting circle. But last night I went too far and dug out of the bin half of a chocolate and cherry torte I had thrown away earlier on and ate that. DISGUSTING. ...I can't believe I did it.

So now I know that I can't go any lower so hopefully fingers crossed the only way is up. My drinking is a HUGE part of this....when I drink I get really hungry and want to eat much much more than I would normally. Just this weekend I drank:

Half a bottle of bourbon, a whole bottle of sherry and half a bottle of red wine.

UNBELIEVABLE. For my physical health, mental health and my sanity THIS HAS GOT TO STOP.

I know I couldn't of picked a worst time than Christmas for trying to eat healthily and nourishing and trying to cut down on alcohol but people don't call me "dicky opposite" for nothing LOL, and yes....I am bloody awkward! But I'm going to really think about it and give it and try.....

Wish Me Luck! Xx

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