My wounds aren't as big as that, but do get rather large. I wear long sleeve shirts to hid my wounds. I work in an insurance office and I am always talking to one specific woman who seems to understand what I am going through. I don't understand why I pick. It's something I did ever since I was a little girl. I too was molested by my Father, but I have learned to forgive him, not ever forget. He lives with me and my husband now as he is old and can't get around too well now. So well I don't think that my picking is stemming from him. I am over that or atleast I think I am over it. But I too will lock myself up and have a picking fest. My legs are just the worst. Now I have wounds on my butt and in my inner thighs and UGH!! Some of these places I can't reach cause I am obese. I have had staph before and that was awful!! Now I just get infected most of the time. I am tired too of picking and seeing all this disgusting yuck!! I am not sure about being tired of pills, cause if there was a pill I could take to ease up on some of this so that atleast the ones I have can heal, then I would be ok. I wished that I could help, but I am here if you need to vent. M

Thanks for the reply, Margaret. Finally. Someone answered my cry out for help. I am down to one spot on my cin, about the size of a dime, but hollowed out down to the muscle. and two superficial picks on my cheeks. I saw the surgeon again today, and I too have staph, and am now on antibiotics until I heal enough for another surgery... Of course, I pay out of pocket as my insurance company believes the surgery is "elective." Are you kidding me? Elective? If it were elective, I would "elect" to stop picking! GRRR. Anyway, now my husband has started locking all bathroom doors at night, sitting with me in the bathroom while i wash my face, and he has taken all my picking tools (tweezers, needles, pins, fingernail clippers, etc.) I was of course in agreement, as he would never do this to me without my agreement. he doesn't want to police me, but he is worried, and I needed an intervention. I find it curious that you don't think the picking goes back to the abuse you experienced as a child. And to be living with the abuser today? Man- that is enough to make me want to go and pick. Honestly, you should do some research on abuse and its relationship between CSP (dermatilomania). There is a link. One reason is subconsciously, you want to look "ugly" to fend off any further sexual encounters- its a defense mechanism that becomes habit. A second way it relates is as a control factor- you can control the picking even if you can't stop the abuser. Third, creating physical pain masks emotional pain. I currently take xanax, zoloft, wellbutrin all for anxiety and OCD/CSP. Doesn't help much... You are right- there isn't a magic pill. I am just sick of trying to take what the dr prescribes only to be disappointed... Just a few things I have learned... Thanks for listening. Its good to know others who have my problem to some degree.

Well to my Father, I certainly don't want to look any uglier than I do with all the sores all over my legs and arms. He is old and disabled, so he isn't a threat to me anymore, plus, I have informed him that if he ever tried to do any of that crap to me or any of my kids or grandkids, I would kill him. For me the picking is a tension release. I sometimes find pleasure in it and well sometimes it does get out of control. The only tools I use are push pins and the nubs that I call fingernails. I would really like to go to the doctor and just see again what they think, but then again, the last time I went, I felt as if I was being looked down at. Like I should know better. I just want to be able to wear shorts and a tank top without people starring at me. I know I need some counseling, but I really don't think it stems from his abuse. I love my Dad. He was just sick or is sick and well now he is a lonely old man. I believe he is being punished enough for what he has done. I guess. After I was old enough, well like 11 and 12 years old, I had boyfriends, lots of them. So I used the boys/guys so that they would have sex with me to help me forget about what he had done. I have been with alot of men. Too many if you ask me and I am VERY lucky that I didn't contract any diseases, but if I would have been able to have all my children, I would have had 12 kids, but I was only able to keep 2. All the others were miscarriages and abortions. Now I have an ok husband. We have seen better days, but I do love him and I know he loves me. He actually has the same thing, however he can just stop picking and leave his wounds alone, but he still picks. It's really just an anxiety thing for me and I believe for him too. He smokes, so when he runs out, he picks or mostly grips and complains. I am going to try that B-vitamin inositol to see if that works. I will try almost anything. So thanks for all of your input and I hope that you continue working with your husband to be strong and try not to pick. How I know how hard it is. I have picked several places on my arms since typing this. UGH!!! Talk to you later. M

I, too, have wished this group got more traffic! In fact, I don't usually check it that often just because there are so rarely any new posts.
I am curious...how do you know if you have staph? I've gotten some pretty bad infections, but I'm not sure what the "symptoms" of staph are.
Right now, I have a lot of scabs on my upper right thigh, both shoulders, both arms, and a few on my face. I don't think any of them are as deep as the muscle; I've never seen a surgeon or a dermatologist. I have seen a psychiatrist (I also have trichotillomania, which means I pull my hair out). They will give you prozac because I guess that is what research recommends. It is not a miracle cure, but I have noticed a SLIGHT decrease. Mostly, what helps is filling my life up with activities so that I have less time to pick. If I am home all day and don't shower, that is a recipe for DISASTER. Everything that's bothering me about my life / creating anxiety spins around in my head until I feel the need to externalize it, which I do by expelling pus or blood from "under my skin" (sounds gross, I know! but you understand!) There are so many things in life I can't control, and not even being able to control the inflammation levels in my body is the LAST STRAW! I am so aggressive with myself sometimes! It's like all the battles in my life are symbolically played out on the battlefield of my skin. Although I hate being "ugly," on the other hand, a small part of me secretly wishes someone will notice how bad my "habit" has gotten and be concerned about me. I am afraid that if the "symptoms" of my pain stop, my chance of receiving sympathy / getting help will be zero.
One thing that helps my skin get better is sunshine (although this requires exposure! Ick!) I've never tried tanning beds, but I have a friend who says they clear up her skin. I know skin cancer is bad, but is it worse that what we already have?
I am sorry to hear about your past history of sexual abuse. I'm not sure if your therapist's "explanation" is correct or not; you will know best if it rings true for you or not.
I was physically abused as a child. Sometimes I think I abuse myself "just to fit in," even if it's in a backwards sort of way. I "belong" with my family by agreeing with them about my worth, if that makes sense. Mostly, though, I think skin-picking and hair-pulling are nonverbal ways for me to communicate, since self-expression (a.k.a. "talking back") was not allowed. I feel like my emotions got blocked / pooled up in my body...squeezing a zit symbolically lets the infection from the "wounds" out. Plus it lowers anxiety levels and is a form of self-soothing. I'm still mad that I have to self-soothe. I am jealous of you for having a husband who stays with you despite what you do to yourself and who supports you by holding on to your tweezers and other instruments for you.
As far a "getting help" is concerned, I think it's important to do your research first. Most therapists have never heard of dermatillomania before. Someone who specializes in OCD / PTSD / Exposure Therapy would be good if you can find one.
Another trick is dimming the lights in the bathroom or only using candlelight.
Good luck to everyone!

I totally agree and sympathize with you at the same time. I really don't think that with you stopping with your picking, it will make anyone like you less. I don't have very many friends in my circle, just because I am embarrassed about my looks, but I just keep trucking. Here's what I think, if you don't like me for me, then you just don't need to know me at all. Like you, I desperately want to be pretty again, but I have to make myself feel pretty first. Which means I have to feel good about myself even if I do pick. I am the same person, just with a few more flaws, so I say, take me or leave me. Guess that's why my husband has stuck around. He has similar issues, but won't admit to them. His picking isn't as severe as mine, but he can do some damage. So I know how you feel. It's awful to think that getting relief is picking, pulling, or squeezing until you get it out, blood and all. I haven't gone to a therapist for a couple of years now. I went to MHMR and they put me on lexapro and abilify. I don't really believe either worked on my picking but I think it helped with my attitude. I can be a real "B" when it comes down to it. As far as me being abused in the past, I can't use it as a crutch, it doesn't help and I personally think it makes things worse. So for me, I live for the day and try not to harp on the past though it does try to come and bite me in the butt sometimes. So I guess what I am trying to say, is that I am here for anyone of you that just needs to vent or needs a friend like I do. Thanks for all the support and I hope to hear from you all soon!!!

Hey Ya'll,

I am so glad I am amongst people who are just like me! I have been suffering from this since I was 15. I am 21 now. I just recently started taking Luvox and it works. However, I stopped taking it for 3 days out of being forgetful, and I had a really upsetting attack. my face now has dime and nickel sized lesions covered in ointmnt for healing. I HATE this! But luckily today was the last day of exams and I can be in hiding now! No makeup just me, my dog, my computer, and my boyfriend. I am so glad he is supportive and doesn't run when he sees my face. I knows what I look like when I dont. I went for a month and was all clear. But the night before last I had a trance in the mirror for 5 hours!!!!! SO now I am trapped in this house. Need to talk to God some more, and think about my life, and take my meds. I also am glad I can talk to others like me!

Modobbs- WOW! You are the first person that I have ever come across that has made the nickel and dime size wounds on their face like me. I am 33 now (will be 34 in Jan) and I have been doing this since age 10. I currently take zoloft and wellbutrin and xanax. I have been on luvox before, but it only worked "so long" for me. You really have to monitor the effectiveness over time. What types of things do you do to pick? Do you use tools? How deep are your "holes?" Sorry about the curiosity, I just would love to hear more from you. Most people I have had contact with have picked arms, legs, etc. The face, I think, is an entire new level because some how we are entranced in a mirror at night picking a little blemish until it is a huge uncoverable mess. Nothing that sleeves could hide, and no way to put make up on. Its like you are wearing a badge of shame on your face, but you don't know why you are ashamed and do this to yourself. At least this is how I feel. I have been "clean and sober" for about a month now. Little picks- but no trances or holes. I have had to see a plastic surgeon to stitch me up. He is going to email me the pictures of me post surgery. I would be happy to share in a private email. Just don't want to post my ugly face here.... These pictures will serve as a reminder to never let my picking reach that level again. Please write back!
Pickedon

This is very moving. I am so sorry you have wounds so large/ DO you get alot of infection? Can you feel the msules? doesn ti tbleed badly if the wound is that large open and deep? I am so worried i will get worse and head that way. I have always doen it but not i am worse and i gouge hole sin my head shoulders and arms anythign uneven i cna rip my nail through but i acant stand blood and when i feel it dripping t mhy head i get very queasy n

Oh my goodness.. the degree of me being able to relate is unreal. i'm 17, training to be a professional ballet dancer, so i'm home schooled. i dance about 8- 10 hours a day, i get back home, and drag out going to bed at night because i don't want the day to begin. i'm just so exhausted. my parents forced me to go to the ER twice because they discovered the holes I had made on my skin, one on my back (about the size of a dime, it's left a huge scar) and the other time on my wrist (it started off as a small allergy to a bracelet, and now i have about 7 small scars). when they took my heart rate at the ER, it was about 120 bpm, i was panicking because my mother kept going on and on to the nurse about how it was so ugly, and asking why i did that and how it was probably infected. my parents always make comments after i leave a bathroom (which i stay in for more than an hour every night, picking, popping, tweezing). i have tried prozac and wellbutrin, i took wellbutrin for more than a year, feel much better off it. still bad though, i have bouts of anxiety, then bouts of apathetic depression. i used to yearn to be social, and whine about not being able to meet boys. but now i only talk to boys on the internet or by phone to quench my thirst for sexual pleasure (which doesn't really work). the idea of a guy getting close to me and touching my face or legs makes me want to hide. aside from the problems with my skin, i'm actually rather attractive. i'm 5'1", 110 lbs, thanks to my lil friend bulimia, which i started at the age of 15... i try to stop picking, even while i'm doing it, but i feel like i can't. i have 7 cats by the way, all persian himalayan. many of my scars are from the fleas on the cats, but i can not stay away from my cats.. i think it's easier for me to display more love to a cat than human. i also have 2 dogs, but it's not the same. i have had 4 stress fractures, 2 broken toes, 1 broken metacarpal that needed surgery, i developed osteopenia (have weaker bones than my 50 year old mother, and i'm heavier), got mono, and recently had a bilateral fasciotomy on the anterior and lateral compartments of my calves.. all of this has been in the last 2 years, it makes me think God doesn't want me to dance or something. i have a love/ hate relationship with ballet really, there isn't a day that goes by that i'm not in terrible pain. always a cramped muscle, tight joints, a blister, or the simple image of my fat thighs and broken face in the mirror. i have tried quitting, but it just leads to feeling of uselessness and honestly makes me consider committing suicide. that sounds pathetic, but ballet has been the focus of my life since i was young and i don't love anything quite as much. i feel trapped in my life and want it to end.

Nightowl85 and clarissacaroline,
Thank you both for responding.I have nit been on this board recently because I have been slightly "skin sober" since about Nov 2011. Now don't get me wrong, I still pick, but it is much less in degree and the spots are manageable and easier to deal with and cover with make up. I did recently buy and hide from my husband a very sharp, pointy pair of tweezers. I use them every day, in secret, just dragging them lightly over my skin to self soothe. I create a pun like puncture wound (her small) on my chnot pick. The i eat.in but it is healing Weldon. However the aftermath is very hard to deal with. Dealing with stress is extremely difficult when I try to refrain from picking. I then turn to smoking and binge eating. I wish I could learn to throw up afterward but have never quite figured that part out, so round I will remain until I can make enough progress towards accepting my self. @nightowl, yes, when I pick I go into an entranced stateand everything goes numb. I am alone with my self hatred and no pain exists. It just me, winning and getting "something out" that others may not have ever seen. I see it, so I don't stop until I have scraped enough out that o am satisfied. Yes, I can see and feel muscle and bone and I bleed so freely-- it runs so warm and and freely. It flows hot and red. And to some this may sound sick but it is only the that I feel relief or accomplished, in control. I do not get queasy, just initially satisfied and then remorseful. I have used tweezers to grab whole of muscle and tiny stringy nerve, pull the out long and the cut the tissue with scissors. Yes it has been infected and I have had to be seen by multiple docs and surgeons. I still pick, nut my meds are helping me stay clean. @ clarissacarolne....I have so much more to reply to u but I am exhausted as it is two am. I promise to reply tomorrow when I am fresh and rested. Pickering

Hey guys, I hope not to post often as the more I post, that means the more help I need. I've read everyone's stories to this topic and I just wanted to share my story too. I've been picking since I was 5. I think it started with my first bout of chicken pox, and being anxious that my siblings could play in the snow and I couldn't. I guess I've always been an anxious person. My parents took me to dermatologists and tried to scare me with "if you pick then you'll get cancer," bribing me with toys, punishment, until I was in high school when I guess they gave up. I am now 27 and I can only remember a time, about a 6 months span, that I didn't pick. And once I realized I wasn't picking- well- that ruined that! I usually stick to my legs and my arms, but when it was worse, I would pick my behind, face, legs, arms, scalp, face, anything I could touch. I am embarrassed at my splotchy skin, full of scars and red dots, some so deep they don't even bleed but stay white because I've passed that layer. What I might have been able to pass as "an allergic reaction" to whatever I can think of stays much longer than normal, no longer passable and I just try to cover it up. Why do we do this?! I've tried therapists, who always go to the "tell me about your childhood" subject and never leave. It wasn't bad, move on! Move to the "why are you picking" and "how does that make you feel?' I pick when I'm anxious, bored, half asleep, unaware, full aware. I've tried the hand toys, stocking at night, wearing long clothes, cutting my nails to the nub. There has to be an end somewhere, right?

Okay my typing was awful last night. Pun should have said "pin" and her should have said "very" and chnot should have said chin and my android messed the next sentence completely up (and I didn't notice last night obviously because it was so late.) The next error to correct is that there was a sentence above that was not clear. It should have said something like "I grab the little stringy nerve, stretch it outward and the holding it wit my tweezers in one hand I use my other hand to cut the nerve with scissors." Ok I think all those corrections should at least make my last post more readable. I think I fell asleep at the end when I accidentally typed "pickering". Idk what us more embarrassing, the stuff I wrote last night and I was sleepy :and my guard was down or the fact that I felt the need to correct my above typing errors..

I'm sorry to hear that, and you may not feel like there is anyone that can relate but trust me I can relate. Few years ago I got laser skin resurfacing to reduce the appearance of acne scars, acne scars that resulted from my excessive skin picking. Once I got the first procedure the skin is very sensitive for the first week, what did I do? On the second day i took a pair of tweezers, sat on my bed with a mirror in hand and started peeling at the dry skin that wasn't ready to fall off. I peeled the dry skin around the area of my mouth to the point where it became raw, started bleeding a little, and was extremely pink. This was the worst moment, and worst day of my life. After that i had to purchase even more fraxel treatments to treat the scars that I had self inflicted. Although the scars have improved, the area around my mouth is noticeably dark, i've asked my sister several times in the past if she can see anything but she says that she doesn't, and i don;t believe her, I look at myself everyday in the mirror and i know what i look like yet she refuses to tell me the truth. I have scars from picking acne, ingrown hair, hair follicles, bumps, etc... on my chest, back, armpits, knees, pubic region and it was just recently that i stopped picking pimples on my face but when i do find bumps i do have the urge to dig, but since i've been using acne medication i don't touch my face as much. I have been dealing with this for ten years, the only person that knows in my life is my best friend but i feel like i can't really talk to her about it. I feel like an ugly freak too, and when i hang out with my friends and i see how beautiful they look in revealing clothes, and have bfs, and husbands, and partners and the ability for them to have an intimate relationship without constantly having to worry about scars makes me wish i was never born because living with this illness, and living with the fact that i might never find anyone to love me is heartbreaking to the point that i just want to give up. I feel alone all the time, and i know this sounds pathetic, or it may sound stupid, but I can't even put myself out there to meet anyone because eventually it'll lead to sex, i've never had a relationship, never kissed a guy before, and all i want is to be normal. To be a normal 23 year old girl with healthy relationships.

I'm sorry to hear that, and you may not feel like there is anyone that can relate but trust me I can relate. Few years ago I got laser skin resurfacing to reduce the appearance of acne scars, acne scars that resulted from my excessive skin picking. Once I got the first procedure the skin is very sensitive for the first week, what did I do? On the second day i took a pair of tweezers, sat on my bed with a mirror in hand and started peeling at the dry skin that wasn't ready to fall off. I peeled the dry skin around the area of my mouth to the point where it became raw, started bleeding a little, and was extremely pink. This was the worst moment, and worst day of my life. After that i had to purchase even more fraxel treatments to treat the scars that I had self inflicted. Although the scars have improved, the area around my mouth is noticeably dark, i've asked my sister several times in the past if she can see anything but she says that she doesn't, and i don;t believe her, I look at myself everyday in the mirror and i know what i look like yet she refuses to tell me the truth. I have scars from picking acne, ingrown hair, hair follicles, bumps, etc... on my chest, back, armpits, knees, pubic region and it was just recently that i stopped picking pimples on my face but when i do find bumps i do have the urge to dig, but since i've been using acne medication i don't touch my face as much. I have been dealing with this for ten years, the only person that knows in my life is my best friend but i feel like i can't really talk to her about it. I feel like an ugly freak too, and when i hang out with my friends and i see how beautiful they look in revealing clothes, and have bfs, and husbands, and partners and the ability for them to have an intimate relationship without constantly having to worry about scars makes me wish i was never born because living with this illness, and living with the fact that i might never find anyone to love me is heartbreaking to the point that i just want to give up. I feel alone all the time, and i know this sounds pathetic, or it may sound stupid, but I can't even put myself out there to meet anyone because eventually it'll lead to sex, i've never had a relationship, never kissed a guy before, and all i want is to be normal. To be a normal 23 year old girl with healthy relationships.

I'm sorry to hear that, and you may not feel like there is anyone that can relate but trust me I can relate. Few years ago I got laser skin resurfacing to reduce the appearance of acne scars, acne scars that resulted from my excessive skin picking. Once I got the first procedure the skin is very sensitive for the first week, what did I do? On the second day i took a pair of tweezers, sat on my bed with a mirror in hand and started peeling at the dry skin that wasn't ready to fall off. I peeled the dry skin around the area of my mouth to the point where it became raw, started bleeding a little, and was extremely pink. This was the worst moment, and worst day of my life. After that i had to purchase even more fraxel treatments to treat the scars that I had self inflicted. Although the scars have improved, the area around my mouth is noticeably dark, i've asked my sister several times in the past if she can see anything but she says that she doesn't, and i don;t believe her, I look at myself everyday in the mirror and i know what i look like yet she refuses to tell me the truth. I have scars from picking acne, ingrown hair, hair follicles, bumps, etc... on my chest, back, armpits, knees, pubic region and it was just recently that i stopped picking pimples on my face but when i do find bumps i do have the urge to dig, but since i've been using acne medication i don't touch my face as much. I have been dealing with this for ten years, the only person that knows in my life is my best friend but i feel like i can't really talk to her about it. I feel like an ugly freak too, and when i hang out with my friends and i see how beautiful they look in revealing clothes, and have bfs, and husbands, and partners and the ability for them to have an intimate relationship without constantly having to worry about scars makes me wish i was never born because living with this illness, and living with the fact that i might never find anyone to love me is heartbreaking to the point that i just want to give up. I feel alone all the time, and i know this sounds pathetic, or it may sound stupid, but I can't even put myself out there to meet anyone because eventually it'll lead to sex, i've never had a relationship, never kissed a guy before, and all i want is to be normal. To be a normal 23 year old girl with healthy relationships.