Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
I can't sleep. I think this is my first time posting this late at night. I can't stop thinking bad thoughts.
I woke up in pain about 2 hours ago. My back as usual. My doc says it's my adrenal glands. It's like a burning twisting pain around my kidneys. It aches. It throbs.
I feel like I am on fire and I need to scream. It's like there is a voice in my head chanting kill kill kill die die die. I am not ok.
I have to get up early and get more tests run. They probably won't show anything. Idk what my treatement will be or how to heal myself.
I got up on the couch for an hour with ice on my back, was just starting to feel a tiny bit better and more relaxed, when he got up, came in here making noise. Are you ok are you coming back to bed?
I was like sure whatever. That lasted a few minutes. I couldn't get comfortable. The couch has more back support and I don't have to share it. But really I couldn't stay in bed with him because I felt an uncontrollable urge to beat the shit out of him. I felt like I was going to scream and just start hitting him.
My stress levels just keep getting worse and worse. Sure it could be I have this rare condition called Cushing's syndrome, which I am getting checked for in the morning. Basically makes my stress and cortisol too high. I am def experiencing high cortisol, then too low cortisol because I burn out then crash.
As I lay awake tonight contemplating things, I think my stress is being caused by outside sources, not internal.
After I got back up the second time, I sat here sobbing for about 30 minutes. I feel trapped in my body and my shitty life. I can't sleep because I can't think of anything happy to look forward to. I think about getting my revolver out and putting it in my mouth. I think about telling my fiance I hate him and wish we never met. I think about beating him, shooting him. I think about my exes. Really I wish I had never started dating, it did nothing but ruin my life and lower my self esteem, worsen my depression. I don't think I'm meant to be in a relationship. I mean being lonely hurts but having to fake my way thru every day just to please other people is hard and not good for my stress levels.
Not long after I came back to the couch and stopped crying, thought I might sleep, I started hearing weird noises coming from our bedroom, like a hammer ringing off an anvil. After I couldn't take anymore I got up and opened the door, ask him WTH the noise was. He was playing some game on his phone. I ask if he could please turn it down. He just yelled at me why I have to be such a....cut himself off. Bitch? Presumably. I was like whatever don't talk to me.
I can't take this. I can't sleep. He clearly doesn't love me. He is just pissed because I am awake and on the couch in the middle of the night. That means he can't be up creeping around doing drugs and doing God knows what else.
A few minutes ago he got up banging around in our bedroom and turned the light on. Coughing his head off. I know my heightened cortisol levels make me paranoid and extra aware of things but I figured he was smoking weed. In my room. Bastard is sleeping in my bed. I wish I could get rid of him. I wish I never met him. God why did I do this to myself?
All he does is lie to me I'm so sick of it. I hate being in a relationship. I hate being single too because I feel like a freak. I hate being ostracized and feeling like I can't have friends at my age if I'm single. I hate when people constantly ask when I'm getting married or assume I have kids. I don't ever want kids, never have, not supposed to be able to have any. Then the worst, my mom and other family and people constantly badgering me asking if I'm gay. It's like if I don't get married soon I'm a huge disgrace and embarrassment. I couldn't take that pressure before and I was lonely. So I started dating, which was very hard. I've had a lot of mean disrespectful things said to me, and abusive things done to me. Every time I've had to settle. I really don't see my current relationship lasting much longer.
My head spins with questions. Do I feel so bad and hate my fiance because I have something wrong with me? Or do I hate my fiance, and that's making me feel bad, which is causing something to be wrong with me?
I really wish I could sleep but all I can think about is screaming, fighting, and killing myself. Idk how I am going to work tomorrow, but I can't bear the thought of being here. Fml.
As far as taking care of your emotional health, start with the small things first. Make sure you're hydrated, eating, getting some rest (I know sleep is difficult right now). It sounds like you're doing a great job functioning under stress because you're still going to work which takes an amazing amount of inner strength. You can rely on that strength to get you through whatever comes up next.
I might suggest finding a counselor or therapist. You're angry and you have every right to be. You're being pulled in a ton of different directions, and it doesn't sound like anyone has your best interest at heart. That's why it's so important that you take care of you.
If you're in crisis you can always call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline or you can Text the Crisis Text Line by texting "Hello" to 741741
Wishing you peace
This is your life to live as you wish. No family member or friend has the right to dictate or judge how you should be living your life.
As soon as possible, rid your life of toxic realtionships. Youre better off living alone with netflix and DS! With DS, youre never alone. When youre healthy and thinking clearly, someone will enter your life who will treasure and adore you. Hes worth waiting for.
Good luck. Let us know how u do after your dr visit. Ok?