be careful what u wish 4. the circumstances might not turn out the way you might have anticipated. i had a "near" death accident over 20 years ago. all it did was fuel chronic pain, anxiety & depression. i'm a constant sufferer with very little reprieve exhibiting nearly a new symptom a year. my husband always compares me to a totalled car. u can clean them up, make them look pretty, but little by little they fall apart. this has not only been at the expense of my quality of life but the quality of life of my tiny circle of loved ones. it isn't for u & obviously wssn't for me to be inGod's plans.your loved ones would still be left to grieve no matter what the cause of your demise was.

Mal,

Driving into work this morning, I had this same thought. In fact, I almost drove right into the back of a dump truck on purpose, and then I realized that my thoughts weren't rational.

Unlike you, I don't have a family I'd be leaving behind. Well, a sister who I rarely see and a mother who hates me, so I doubt they'd even miss me. I could disappear and I doubt anyone would notice.

But you have a family who loves you and needs you. Please don't take that away from them. They deserve to have you around. Even when you're sad, at least you're still there. Imagine the pain they would suffer if you were gone.

I'm glad God has decided not to do your "dirty work". And I pray he gives you strength to get through this.

You are not alone, and you are loved. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help ease your pain. I care about you.

@barri - I'm not praying for a near death or experience. I want it to be complete and final. I know what you mean, however. GOD's plans would probably have me experience a brush with the grim reaper only to leave me banged up and in a worse situation than I started so that I'd 'appreciate' what I had. *Sigh* - best I do the job myself...

I have to agree with Barri... I use to wish for death alot.. Until I came as close to dying as you can possibly come...My family and friends were invited into the ER to say their goodbyes.......... at the time, I was in too much pain to care whether I lived or died... Thank God, my Dr. took it into his hands and with the help of prayers, I was saved.. Very close and scary situation.. Spent 6-7 weeks in the hospital..

I never wished for death or an accident again but I do always wish for a little relief from the pain of depression and chronic pain do to getting older and Harley accidents.. I think you really just want some peace with the pain that your in.. Please never wish for such things.. You can never know how things might really turn out.. I wish you peace of mind and sending prayers and positive mojo..

I do get some comfort when I am feeling beyond overwhelmed with life that I could simply lay down; fall asleep and not wake up - it is a good thought and actually helps me to feel better. After a good rest I wake up I feeling better and the thought of death is gone.

Rest helps me the most. I release and simply let go. the 'batteries' get 'plugged in' for a recharge and I get feeling better. My disability forces bed rest and for years I fought it but now I WORK WITH IT and life is improving. I sometimes am so well rested I get to see the humor in life once more.

I just 'go with the flow' now and have learned to rest but I still hate coping with severe disability and want to find the exit door every now and then. I'm adjusting to it all, slowly.

Hoping you are feeling better soon. You are NOT alone and we care and are here for you.

Gentle ((hugs))
:-) Patricia

Hello mal66,
There was a valve at work that I became obsessed with. Of course since I'm writing this nothing ever happened. It was an 1100 psig steam valve, more than enough to do the job. However what changed my mind was as I began to think more clearly I realized a valve had already failed on the power plant I was working at. It was a lower pressure valve and it maimed a co-worker of mine. He lost an eye and had to have his face reconstructed. If the valve I was working with had of failed it may of only maimed me and required someone to put themselves in jeopardy to rescue me.

We can't know the full extent of what would happen in an accident. And I also learned that some direct attempts go horribly wrong. A classmate of mine from high school shot himself in the head and survived. He was left very much so alive but permanently brain damaged. In one of his few clear moments one time he recognized me. It was a very sad moment. Now the memory I have of this friend is of him in that condition. The people that love you deserve to have you around healthy and well. I pray for you to recover If you ever want to talk just message me. Peace to you.

I've heard a lot of stuff on here, and I've posted a lot of stuff, but this is one of the darkest posts that I've read. I have suicidal thoughts all the time, and I have occasionally thought with relative indifference on a tragic accident happening to me, but I've never really hoped for such a thing. You sound extremely unhappy and depressed and overwhelmed. You've got to fight against what's getting you down. You've got to get a handle on a life that you feel is out of your control. The good thing about this is that the bigger your problems seem, the more greatly they will seem to diminsh once you take a step to resolve them for yourself. You may not realize this--and this is coming from someone who has survived three suicide attempts--but your death would be the worst thing of all, and you're not thinking rationally. You need to do whatever you can to combat this, whether it's medication, counseling, or some other plan. If something doesn't work, scratch it and try something else. You can do it. I know you can.