Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
Hello.
My name is Matthew and this is my story about who I truly am, how I became suicidal and why I feel I am so broken.
I was born in the USA in June of 1993 to two loving and amzing parents but emotionally abusive as well. To be blunt, I think my parents stayed together or even married for the right reason, from what I've heard from both of them. I believe that my father had married my mother bc she was a hot cheerleader and she would do anything he wanted, and my mom married my dad because she actually loved him. So, when I was around 2, maybe 2 1/2, I remember a lot of good and amazing memories about my parents but they are quickly over shadowed by a mix of their yelling matches in the kitchen and their amazing feats of love that they spoiled me with. It's a confusing topic for me emotionally and logistically so let's just move on, shall we?
The next chapter of my life would be school and friends. For years I have made many friends and fucked up so many friendships that I feel like I suck. Yeah, I'm just ending it there.
Reason #001 why I suck: I've fucked up so many relationships with friends bc of my selfish attitude and stupidity.
... IDK even know if I want to finish this. Look, long story short, I hate myself bc I feel like I'm loser, an ugly bastard, a monster like my father was, the almost the worst guy any girl could ever date, destined to die alone and once again the worst and ugliest guy a girl could ever date.
So I'm suicidal cause after being dumped by my high school sweetheart, Michelle, I broke mentally. Literally. I had nightmares so bad for a week I was terrified to sleep. I loved her so much and I think I may still- No, I know I still do kind of. But bc I loved her so much it I feel it killed everything I had left inside of me. At the time, I still hadn't accepted my parent's divorce, I felt that I was caught between my parents' fight for stupid shit like just communicating basic shit when they needed to and I had no real friends to comfort me bc I am very anti-social. So that's what drove me to die, drop out of college 2 yrs later and move to a new state. I make an ok living but I worry everyday that I'll be alone and never find the perfect girl to love me. I know it's stupid but I can't help it. I see better looking guys with hot girls. Or girls I am attracted to but don't have the social skills to flirt, interact with them properly or just be their friends. After Michelle dumped me, I closed my very, very loving heart to the world. I told myself, "I will never love anyone the same or give them my heart bc they will only do what Michelle and Elena (my 1st serious GF) did to my heart, destroy it." And so I've been filled my a very, very deep darkness that has poisoned my body and become me since December 2012.
Now I want to be better but I can't ever like myself bc I am unable to be happy without a significant other. Idk why but I haven't really been able to do it but I want to try but I need help. Your help. So please, somebody help me. Please.
I suspect you had relationships and didn't know how to handle them, because the example set for you was of arguing, or disagreeing, or manipulation or abuse or whatever - so you had no habits that were your friend. A girl will give you the kick if she can't get along with you; if she can't be with you without things being horrible. But you, having been raised on the record of your parents fighting, are stuck in a groove of reactions to things that don't make sense in the situation you're actually in, and don't serve you.
Does that sound likely or am I talking through a hole in my head? I'm pretty good at that actually...
You feel bad, and that's okay. Being dumped hurts like hell, and it certainly takes more than 2 years if you were actually in love. I'm 3 years down and not convinced I want anything to do with the opposite sex again yet. Give me another couple of years.
I think you need to find you, and see what you are and who you are. if you like you, then you will naturally have a good time among other people. They won't intimidate you, they won't frighten you, you won't feel less than them. When you feel equal to them and confident is when you flirt and have a good time.
Make a few good friends of your own sex, join up for a sports team or a social club. Get there and slowly, slowly, come back out of yourself again.
This isn't over. This hasn't barely begun. You're only at the starting gate of life so it's a bit early to throw the towel in. Hang on in there, it all starts to work for you in the end if you just hang on in there.
I have medication that I use but unfortunately it doesn't always nullify my anxiety which flares up my depression.
Especially when it comes to being rejected by women I am either emotionally, physically and/or mentally attracted to. It adds to a constant depressing losing streak and no one can look to positively on life when they're still stuck in that.
- A.) More of an attractive adult male that I know can be
- B.) To help my self-esteem,
I'm doing this now by cleaning up my kitchen. Like right now. I'm just taking a break
I have a therapist I see every Wednesday morning. He has been very, very helpful with my recovery along with my open honesty and willingness to try and change. He changes me every time to focus on something new to make myself a more emotionally ration human being.
Very much so! I've been seeing a therapist since I was in 1st grade and it been the best damn thing that's ever happened. There were time like 2nd, 3rd, and high school where I didn't see one but it was evident that I still need help. Have a needed all that therapy? Hell yeah. I'm a very sensitive kid/adult/young adult and to add on my ADHD, processing disorder, dyslexia, depression, social and general anxiety in, it's no wonder why I've needed it. So I think it goes without saying that it helps