I had the same feelings when I had my first child. I had had a tragedy occur in my life and thought having a child would somehow "fill the void". This is very common. A terrible emptiness fills us and some turn to drugs, alcohol or other activities to distract them from their own pain. Please meditate upon your loneliness and internal distress before you make such a rash decision. You have already done this twice and know it is the wrong reason to have a child. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome. Talking about it is a great first step. If you are anything like me, there is some buried pain that you are afraid to face. That fear is a natural instinct but whatever it is, friend, I assure you facing it with a trustworthy friend or therapist will make you stronger and relieve your burden. Love and light, Cym

I agree with what Cymbeline has to say.

Also, there is a part of us that would like to take that child, and heal our own childhood through that child.

We seek unconditional love and the need to be needed is often fulfilled in an infants need for us.

My mother had all seven of us through trying to fill that need and desire. As soon as a child reached the age of about 4, she became pregnant again.

We are all hurting children, and we do things to heal that hurting inside. I did it with relationships with men, and having a succession of pets.

Be forgiving of yourself, love yourself, and follow through with a good therapist or some good self help books/guides. Your healthy feelings about yourself will have a trickle down effect onto your children, and they will absorb your feeling of self love into their own healthy sense of self through your modeling.