I read this and my heart is so sad for you , not really sure what to say or how to word how I feel about your post. Only that thank god you have your son and that he is keeping you from taking your life. Is there anyone you can call or talk to ? Do you have a therapist?

Yeah but I have no insurance so I can only see them once a month

Hi Drew,
I have just read your post and to be honest,you could be me my friend.I have been ill since collapsing at work one year ago.I have since been diagnosed as having psychotic depression,which means that I hear voices in my mind,sometimes I even see them in physical form.I have lain in bed at night and prayed for death because so far I haven't had the courage,or the opportunity,to end my life on my own,I have a wife who very rarely leaves me on my own for any length of time.I have children,hell,I have grandchildren,but I feel so empty at times.My therapy sessions are helping a bit along with the anti depressants and anti psychotic meds,but it's at night when I lie awake that I cry silent tears which nobody sees.If I can be of any help whatsoever let me know,until then,have a blessed day my friend,
Hugs and love,
Scott

This is another night of rants I will probably feel a little better in the mourning But im hurting now and I don't know what to do I have no life waiting to die. Devine maker whoever or what ever you are take me now. Come and take my life essence and give it too someone who matters

It is morning haven't slept a wink still fucked up still cant sleep

When I have those fleeting moment of suicidal thoughts, I think about what my daughters face would look like at my funeral... and then I think about what my dog would look like, back at the shelter... in that little kennel, so confused and alone.... waiting for someone to come get her.

oh man, that just caused me to tear up a little.

I'm in a similar situation, except I have so much work to do on my house that I'm nearly constantly doing it. I guess it is good that it keeps me focused.

So, maybe what we should do is to plot the path. There is a path, somewhere in all this mess and depression, from where we are to where we want to be. We need to find it, then start walking down it. One step at a time.

We need to learn to forgive ourselves for the bad days, and reward ourselves for the good ones. We need to get up and move. Go for a walk, a bike ride. Whatever we can do.

We need to find things we enjoy, the right flavor of tea, the right coffee.

Your son needs you, he needs to see you cope and be strong. There is a path out of where you are. You just need to find it.

I put a more personal reply on your journal entry. Hope you read it, and hope you get some good out of it.

Hi, MamaMafia. You are a breath of fresh air!!!

Drew, it tears me up that you are so sad. I was just where you are when Johns passed away. I thought I would never recover also. But you are here because your son needs you. Your father needs you. And we need you. Every time I read your posts I learn somthing and my heart gets a little softer. In my profession, I was taught to be tough, to not get emotionally involved. Here, I can. I want you to know since you have been on here, you have made a difference in me. I thank you for that! Hugs and love! Jul

P.S.
If there is EVER anything I can do, please do not hesitate to ask. We are in this together!

I really am sorry butt it is we have nothing in common because your other half is still here. I am not saying that you don't have your own set of problems that I cant understand but do me a favor and tell your wife you love her every chance you get.

I did not mean to post that last post in was from an earlier conversation I had with a fellow and I don't know why what I wrote was replaced with that I wrote that at 4 am

What I meant to say is that is another rant that I had last night. It was all true It is just harder for me to deal with at night

If I ever try to hurt myself it will be at night

drew: Have any creative hobbies? It's great that you write! Ever write fiction?

The only way that I have found to deal with my dark funks of depression is to transmute them into my art, writing, photography and filmmaking. And I exercise like a motherfucker. Keeps me out of the Well of Souls.

Drew, I am doing myself a favor when I tell you: Drew, I love YOU!